In my recent article, “The Evolution of Manhood and the Emergence of Compassionate Warriors,” I introduced you to the work of Dr. Sarah Hrdy, an anthropologist and primatologist and one of the world’s leading experts on the evolutionary basis of female behavior in both nonhuman and human primates. Dr. Hrdy has recently turned her attention to men.
In her book, Father Time: A Natural History of Men and Babies, Dr. Hrdy destroys the myths that have kept men disconnected from our evolutionary, God-given–(Kudos to Michael Dowd for his transformative book, Thank God for Evolution)–rights to care, nurture, and hold our sons and daughters from the moment of their birth until…forever.
I have read thousands of great books in my life and tried to write a few of my own. To say that Father Time can change the world for good would be an understatement. To say the book is timely would also be an understatement. The news is full of stories about boys and men, most of them negative. We might wonder if there is anything good about men. Father Time is not only a book about what is good about men but also offers clear science that proves that men may hold the key that unlocks secrets to our very survival as a species.
We don’t need scientists to prove that humans are in trouble. We only need to listen to the news (or even just the weather report) to see that we are destroying our life support system and we don’t seem to be able to listen to those who are calling on us to change our ways before it’s too late.
Thomas Berry was a priest, a “geologian,” and a historian of religions. He spoke eloquently about our connection to the Earth and the consequences of our failure to remember that we are one member in the community of life.
“We never knew enough. Nor were we sufficiently intimate with all our cousins in the great family of the earth. Nor could we listen to the various creatures of the earth, each telling its own story. The time has now come, however, when we will listen or we will die.”
Father Time offers surprising wisdom of what we might do differently. Yet, the book almost didn’t make it into print.
“It took science far longer than it should have to recognize and zero in on the nurturing potential of men,” Dr. Hrdy reminds us. “It also took me longer than I expected to complete what, as the years dragged on, I began referring to as ‘this albatross of a book.’ Father Time was begun in 2014 as I eagerly contemplated and then luxuriated in the birth of my first grandchild.”
She goes on to say,
“I watched with awe as my son-in-law tended him right from birth. At the time my spirits were buoyed by social trends favoring women’s increased reproductive autonomy and professional opportunities along with broader definitions of what it means to be a man. The Introduction was drafted during that optimistic period, before I had to put the book on hold when my husband was diagnosed with cancer and faced surgery and bouts of radiation to cure it.
“By the time I returned to the book, backlashes aimed at re-imposing constraints on both sexes and all genders were gaining traction. It was hard for me to feel as hopeful as when I began. Yet recognizing men’s nurturing potentials and promoting their expression seems more urgent than ever.”
Old Beliefs About Men Have Harmed Us All
Dr. Hrdy freely admits that she has held beliefs about men that are no longer valid. Good scientists are able to change their perspective when faced with new evidence, but not all scientists are able to admit they missed some critical information about men. We all have biases, but we don’t all recognize them.
“I have written whole books about maternal love and ambivalence,” says Dr. Hrdy, “with emphasis on the former. Few people could be more aware than I that we humans are mammals whose females invest heavily in their young, gestating, birthing, and then suckling them.”
Yet, she like many scientists and the public, have known a lot about what is natural for women, but have missed important truths about what is natural for men.
“According to the standard Darwinian script,” says Dr. Hrdy, “while females were nurturing babies, males were otherwise occupied, mostly competing for status and mates, often violently or coercively.” [emphasis mine].
She concludes,
“While a mother’s top priority is likely to be the well-being of her children, a male’s will be siring more of them. In line with such Darwinian preconceptions, across cultures and through historical time there are few, if any, records of men turning their lives over to babies the way women do. Instead, what we find is a near-universal expectation that baby care is women’s work.” [emphasis mine].
I shared my own early experiences with my two children in the article I mentioned above. Being a hands on and heart connected father with my infant children changed my life forever. Dr. Hrdy’s book Father Time reads like a mystery novel revealing deeper and deeper layers of the truth of men’s inherent ability to nurture small children.
She says,
“It is a story covering millions of years of vertebrate, mammalian, and particularly primate evolution, followed by thousands of years of human evolution and history, punctuated by numerous social transitions, cultural shifts and innovations.”
What she finally discovers is simple and profound:
“My unexpected finding is that inside every man there lurk ancient caretaking tendencies that render a man every bit as protective and nurturing as the most committed mother. It is a journey that has forced me to rethink long held assumptions about man’s innately selfish, competitive, and violent nature, what Darwin described as his ‘natural and unfortunate birthright.” [emphasis mine].
Father Time and Father Earth: Healing Ourselves, Healing Our Relationship With The Planet
Another wise grandmother who offers an inspiring novel understanding of men is Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés, a Mestiza Latina psychoanalyst and post-trauma specialist who was raised in now nearly vanished oral and ethnic traditions. She is best known for her book, Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of The Wild Woman Archetype was on the New York Times Best Seller list for 144 weeks.
I still remember sitting with 200 men and women at the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco in 1993. My wife, Carlin, and I were attending a special workshop for women and men, appropriately titled “Ovarios y Cojones: Labyrinths of Memory and Danger Within Women and Men,” with Dr. Estés and mythologist and storyteller, Michael Meade.
Towards the end of the day, Clarissa shared a few poems, including, “Father Earth.” As soon as she shared the title, the hairs on the back of my neck began to tingle. I knew I was going to hear something special. Here’s what she shared:
Father Earth!
There is a two-million-year-old men, no one knows.
They cut into his rivers.
They peeled side pieces of hide from his legs.
They left scorch marks on his buttocks.
He did not cry out.
No matter what they did to him. He did not cry out.
He held firm.
Now he raises his stabbed hands and whispers that we can heal him yet.
We begin the bandages, the rolls of gauze, the cut, the needle, the grafts.
Slowly, carefully, we turn his body face up.
And under him, his lifelong lover, the old woman is perfect and unmarked.
He has laid upon his two-million-year-old lover all this time
Protecting her with his old back, with his old, scarred back.
And the soil beneath her was fertile and black with her tears.
Like many in the audience I was moved to tears. Even as I’ve recounted the experience over the years in men’s gatherings, people are touched. A number of men commented,
“Finally, a woman finally understands what being a male is really about.”
And many men get a glimpse into the deeper truth about men, women, creation, and the future of humankind.
Thank you Clarissa and Sarah for sharing the wisdom of the grandmothers for all of us, men, women, and children. I also wish to thank another elder in our community, Holly Near, and her song 1,000 Grandmothers. Our local, Emandal Chorale, came together with our children and grandchildren to sing the song in a recent 4th of July parade. I’m still moved to tears seeing my friends, our children, and grandchildren, and being part of a new kind of Independence Day. You can share in the joy of our gathering here.
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