Mental Health

                Over the last fifty-plus years I have become a leader in the field of Gender-Specific Medicine and Men’s Health. After graduating from U.C. Santa Barbara in 1965, I was awarded a four-year full-tuition fellowship to U.C. San Francisco Medical School, but I transferred out after my first semester. I felt the medical education was elitist and too limited for the kind of care I believed was needed.

                Since then, I have earned a master’s degree in social work and a PhD in International Health. I have written 17 books on various aspects of men’s health including international best-sellers Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places, Male Menopause, and Surviving Male Menopause: A Guide for Women and Men. 

                As a man in my eighties, I have continued to struggle to find the kind of medical doctor that could really help me, my family, and the millions of other men and their families who struggle in a health-care system that is increasingly dysfunctional…until I met Dr. Rena Malik.

                Dr. Malik is a board-certified urologist, pelvic surgeon, and internationally recognized expert in sexual health. Her YouTube channel, with more than 3 million subscribers and 550 million views, makes her one of the most trusted voices online for men seeking real answers about performance, testosterone, intimacy, and much more.

                I recently had the good fortune to interview Dr. Malik and discuss her new book, The Hard Truth: Everything Men Need to Know for Good Health, Great Sex, and Long Life.

                I ask all my guests to share their “origin story” about how they first became interested in their field of expertise. Dr. Malik told me that becoming a world-famous urologist who works with men was an unlikely career choice.

                “Especially, since I grew up in a conservative Indian household where one of the mantras drilled into my head was ‘don’t talk to boys,’” she told me.

                Dr. Malik went on to say, “Fifteen years ago I would have had no business talking about sex. I was a medical student and only had one serious relationship, where I never even climaxed because I didn’t yet know what I liked or didn’t like. I was too embarrassed to tell my partner something was not pleasurable for me because, well, I felt lucky enough that someone even liked me.”

                When I say that this is the doctor I’ve meet waiting my whole life to meet, I mean I have longed to have a connection with a doctor who is an expert in her field, not afraid to talk about sensitive issues about sex, love, and intimacy, and can do it as a vulnerable human being who has gone through her own challenges in life.

                I have also been waiting for doctor who recognizes that men’s and women’s health issues are forever connected. When a man’s health is compromised, it impacts the health and wellbeing of the woman and vice versa. Having a clinician who is skilled at treating men and women is a great gift for all.

                I wanted to hear more from Dr. Malik about how she chose to become a urologist who treats women and men.

                “In medical school, I thought I wanted to be a cardiologist,” Dr. Malik told me. “Never did I think that I would do a surgical specialty and become a urologist who examines genitalia for living. But I loved surgery, working with my hands, and being able to fix a problem immediately.”

                I began to understand how she became an expert in the field, but I was curious about her social media expertise.

                “After being in practice for some time, I had to face the reality that it was impractical to expect that we would have the time to teach patients everything about their condition, and it was impossible for them to understand everything in a quick 30-minute visit before surgery.”

                I think we’ve all had the experience of seeing a doctor, feeling anxious and concerned, but very aware that the doctor is busy and has only a limited time to explain what is going on with us and what we need to know to take care of ourselves over the long run. Dr. Malik’s solution tapped into our modern technologies in a very creative way.

                “So, I set out to find a better way to educate patients and I stumbled onto YouTube. I started making videos to educate about common urologic conditions and realized how desperate people were for sexual health education.”

                I have watched several of her videos and they are definitely educational and helpful. But I will be honest, I didn’t grow up with YouTube and social media. I like holding an actual book in my hands where I can make notes in the margin and put stars next to the things I want to remember and check out again.

                So having the book to read feels like an added gift of delight. Reading the book, I was particularly attracted to the depth and breadth of her knowledge.

                “I designed this book so it’s easy to read and refer back to,” says Dr. Malik. “While this book talks about men’s health, it’s not only for men. Women are often the default caregivers — we take care of our sons, male partners, and dads.”

A Few Highlights from The Hard Truth: Everything Men Need to Know for Good Health, Great Sex, and Loving Life

• Map Your Purpose

                Too much of healthcare today is about “sick care” and focuses on this disease or that disease without looking at the whole person and what we want in life. Dr. Malik asks us to spend ten minutes examining the follow five areas of our lives: (1) For myself, (2) for my family, (3) for my health, (4) for my career, and (5) for my sex life. For each she asks: “What do we want for our future and why is this important?”

                Dr. Malik begins by being vulnerable and addressing the first area personally:

                “For myself, I want to be strong and healthy. To remain connected both emotionally and physically with my partner. Why is this important?  To be able to take care of myself as I age and have the energy and strength to babysit my grandchildren. Intimacy and connection are important for longevity.”

• Sexual healthspan (lifespan for sex)

                Throughout our lives sex is important, but as we age information supporting a healthy sex life is often neglected. As a man well past midlife, I was particularly interested in this topic.

                “Picture your life a year from now, a decade from now, or maybe when you are in your seventies or eighties,” says Dr. Malik. “How do you want to live? Do you imagine yourself vibrant, still sexually active, still healthy and fulfilled? Nobody can guarantee that you’ll get there, but the guidance in this book makes it a lot more likely. Who would way no to that? I see hands going up in my own family and in the families of most every man and woman I know.”

• Squirting

                One of the questions I’ve often been asked over the years, and wondered about myself, has to do with women’s sexual pleasure and the truth about squirting. Dr. Malik offers clear, scientifically sound, and helpful information.

                “Squirting,” says Dr. Malik, “is the emission of a clear, colorless fluid from sexual arousal.”  She goes on to say, “before I explain what happens physiologically, it’s important to realize squirting is not required to know your partner is having a good time, and it doesn’t mean you are the ultimate lover when you’ve induced her to squirt.”

                I could go on and on with highlights, but you should definitely buy her book. You may also want to buy another copy for someone you love.

                To learn more about Dr. Malik’s work and her book, The Hard Truth, please visit her website, https://renamalikmd.com/

                To watch the YouTube video of my interview with Dr. Malik you can do so here.

                To read more articles about the mental, emotional, and relational health of men and their families, I invite you to subscribe to my free weekly newsletter.

The post Meet the Doctor I’ve Been Waiting For My Whole Life appeared first on MenAlive.

                For those who visit my website MenAlive they are greeted by my welcome video, “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor.” Like many people who come to me for help, I had my own challenges with love and marriage. The good news is that I was able to get the help I needed and my third wife, Carlin, and I have been joyfully married for 46 years.

                My first wife and I met in college and as our relationship developed, we agreed that when we got married we would have a child and then adopt a child. Our son, Jemal, was born in 1969. We adopted a 2 ½ month old African-American little girl we named Angela in 1972. One of the things I did was to take each of the kids on a father/son and father/daughter retreat when they were teenagers. Another promise I made was that when they turned 21, I would take each of them on a trip to any place they wanted to go to celebrate their coming of age.

                My son, Jemal, had become interested in theater and he wanted to go to New York. My daughter, Angela, had a dream of meeting Oprah Winfrey. Jemal’s trip to New York was relatively easy to arrange. Meeting Oprah was much more challenging. It took many months of outreach and searching before I finally struck pay dirt.

                I had a friend-of-a-friend who lived in Chicago who thought he knew someone who knew a producer of the Oprah Winfrey’s show. I was able to make a connection and share my daughter’s dream with the producer. I told her about watching Oprah on T.V. when my daughter was a teenager and Angela’s life-long desire to meet the famous talk show host.

                It took time, but we were able to get it set up. We arrived in Chicago on Angela’s 21^st birthday in 1993. We got a Taxi to the Harpo studies on West Washington Boulevard in Chicago’s West Loop neighborhood and got to the studio on time. We were escorted to front row seats and joined the applause when Oprah came out to greet the audience. Oprah smiled and came to say hello to Angela. My daughter was proud to share a little about her own story and her dream of meeting Oprah. It was a day we will both remember our whole lives.  

                Oprah has continued to be a source of delight in our lives ever since. I thought of Oprah recently while watching one of my favorite podcasters, Mel Robbins, the author of the best-selling book, The Let Them Theory. Oprah recently joined Robbins for an interview titled “How to Find Your Unique Purpose, Authentic Power, and Calling in Life.”

                The podcast began with Mel’s cheery welcome.

                “Hey, it’s your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast,” then we heard about the guest she had in her Boston studio. “I don’t even know how to explain how I’m feeling right now. I mean, I can’t even believe I can say these words to you. Oprah Winfrey flew to Boston to sit down and have a conversation with me and you.”

                For me, it was like going back in time with my daughter and Oprah again. Angela is 54. Mel Robbins is 57. Oprah is 72. I’m 83.

                “I thought I would be coming to you,” said Mel to Oprah in her podcast. “I guess the reason why is because I just thought, well, you could go anywhere in the world and talk to anybody. And it never even occurred to me to think about or manifest you coming here.”

                “Well, I appreciate the invitation to actually be able to sit in your home space,” said Oprah. “Because this is where you reign. And I have watched you, listened to you, and I watch the bestsellers list regularly. And I am just so rooting for you. I have watched you become the voice of our time in leading people home to themselves. This is why one of the things I hope people get from you and I today, because I see so much of myself in you, Mel.”

                “You do?” Says Mel.

                “And I am honored by who you have become,” says Oprah, “because I know for sure that some of what I did and what I’ve said over the years, you really got it. And you, to me, are like, on the same mission, in your own voice, in your own way, through your own self-expression. But to me, you are one of those people who took the message of everything that we were trying to say on the show, and you just paid it forward, are moving it forward in your own way. So, it’s like every time I run into someone who says, I watched your show, my mother watched your show, my grandmother watched your show, I watched your show, I was a latchkey kid, it makes me feel like, Oh, you’re a part of it, part of the children I raised.” 

                The first time I heard about Mel Robbins was when her book came out in 2024. The Let Them Theory, was being talked about everywhere. I saw a copy in the window of my local bookstore and I decided to see what all the hoopla was about. I will admit I was not impressed at first. The introduction seemed like another rags-to-riches story that has become so common in today’s world:

                “At the age of 41, I found myself $800,000 in debt, unemployed, and watching my husband’s restaurant business crumble. It felt like we had failed at life with no hope of ever escaping the debt,”

                Robbins begins in the Introduction.

                But I kept reading and I’m glad I did. Before long, I was making notes in the margin and realizing that Mel Robbins was the real deal. This was long before Mel Robbins fulfilled her own dream to meet Oprah.

                Listening to the Mel Robbins share what she has learned from Oprah spoke for me, my daughter, and millions of others who have been guided by Oprah’s wisdom over the years:

                “Well, that’s one of the reasons why I was so excited to welcome you here,” said Mel. “For 44 years, I have been your student. You have been my guide and my teacher. And I think that you have served that role for hundreds of millions of people around the world. There are producers on this team whose mothers learned English by watching your show. And your life, and the way you move through the world, is an example of the difference that each and every one of us can make. I would love to have you speak to the person who is here with us watching or listening.”

                Oprah’s reply and the rest of the wonderful interview brought tears of joy to my eyes:

                “My intention for flying to Boston to be with you, Mel, and to be with you all, is to be used as a light that shines or illuminates in a way that you can see yourself through me, through my stories, through Mel, through her stories, and have that light ignited within yourself.”

                “I believe that I’ve had just the most blessed life on Earth. I just can’t get over how blessed I have been in my life. I can’t get over it. I marvel at what God and the life forces have done for me. I marvel at that. But when I think about it now, from the point of view of 72, I realize that what I have acquired is not as magnificent or extraordinary as who I have become. And I know that the world looks at what I have acquired, but it’s who I have become that is truly important. And I recognize that the work to become myself is the same work and ability that everybody has to become the most of themselves. And I am most proud of the woman that I have become. And I want everyone else to have that. I want you to have that.”

                We are all the spiritual children of Oprah and I’m so glad I was able to fulfill my daughter’s dream of meeting her.

                Thank you Oprah. Thank you Mel. And thank you Angela for being my daughter and having taught me so much about how to live, how to love, and how to share our lives with the world.

                If you appreciate articles like these feel free to drop me a note to Jed@MenAlive.com. I enjoy hearing from my readers and I read every one.

                If you would like to subscribe to our free weekly newsletter with a new article each week and “news you can use,” you can do so here: https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/

The post Fulfilling My Daughter’s Dream To Meet Oprah appeared first on MenAlive.

                For more than fifty years I have been helping men and women find their dream partner and have a passionately joyful relationships that gets better through the ages. Too many people I’ve worked with felt they were failures at love. I helped them and I can help you. But first I had to help myself.

                When people visit my website they see my welcome video, “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor.” Going through the end of a relationship can be painful for anyone, but even more so if you make your living helping others succeed at something you failed to achieve. The good news is that I got the help I needed, worked out what I had been doing wrong, met and married Carlin. We have been joyfully married for 46 years.

                I have written seventeen books, including the international best-seller Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions. In preparing this article I did a Google search on “Looking for Love in All the Right Places.” The only result I was given was “Looking for Love (in All the Wrong Places)” is a famous 1980 country song recorded by Johnny Lee.

                I learned some things I didn’t know and found very interesting. The song was written by Wanda Mallette, Bob Morrison and Patti Ryan, and was released in June 1980 as part of the soundtrack to the film Urban Cowboy. The memorable lyrics are ones most people have experienced at some time in their lives:

I was lookin’ for love in all the wrong places
Lookin’ for love in too many faces
Searchin’ their eyes, lookin’ for traces
Of what I’m dreamin’ of
Hoping to find a friend and a lover
I’ll bless the day I discover
Another heart lookin’ for love

                In my book, The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why the Best Is Still to Come, I said,

                “Currently, our culture focuses a great deal of attention on finding the right partner. There are hundreds of websites that will help you find Mr. or Ms. Right. But there’s much less focus on our internal love map. If our map is wrong, we’re not likely to find the right person.”

                I go on to say, “Further, as difficult as it is to find a good mate, that turns out to be the easy part. Much more difficult is to make a good marriage that lasts and enhances the well-being of the couple.”

                The book describes and guides people through the following five stages:

                Stage 1: Falling in Love

                Stage 2: Becoming a Couple

                Stage 3: Disillusionment

                Stage 4: Creating Real Lasting Love

                Stage 5: Find Your Calling as a Couple

The Hidden Secret of Why So Many Fail at Love

                Earlier this year I learned about the work of Dr. Kyra Bobinet who has passionately pursued and studied the truth about behavior change for nearly three decades. She is an MD  who received her degree at UCSF School of Medicine and a MPH from Harvard University. In her book, Unstoppable Brain: The Neuroscience That Frees Us From Failure, Eases Our Stress, and Creates Lasting Change, she shares the secret at the center of our failure to find love.

                I interviewed Dr. Bobinet and wrote an article describing her findings.

                “There’s a newly discovered, but little known, secret to your brain that is robbing you of your freedom and the power to live the life you long for. It’s causing you to lose your motivation to do what you know is best for you or others, leaving you stuck.”

                It is the secret for our continued failure at love and in so many other areas of our lives.

                “What is this secret?” Dr. Bobinet asks. “It is the habenula, an area of the brain that has two superpowers over your behavior. First, it acts as a failure detector anytime you think you failed, even in some tiny way, even subconsciously without your knowing. Second, and more impactful, it is a kill switch for your motivation. This means that whenever you think you have failed at something, you will suddenly find yourself unmotivated to keep doing it.”

                Why would we have a part of our brain that that looks out for failure and has a kill switch for our motivation? The simple answer is that throughout our evolutionary history it helped keep us alive. If we failed at something — whether it was finding the right food to eat or finding the right partner — keeping us from repeating a mistake could be life-saving.

                Brain scientist Rick Hanson helps us understand this negativity bias. Finding the right food or the right partner is a good thing, but making a mistake of eating a poisonous berry or a partner that abuses us could be deadly. In his book, Hardwiring Happiness, he says,

                “Your brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive ones.”

How I Found the Love of My Life and How You Can Too

                After my first marriage ended, I felt wounded and angry. I vowed I could never make the same mistake again. I nursed my resentments but got on with my life. I put all my energies into my work and being a good father to my children. But eventually I got lonely and went looking for love. I wanted to find the right person, but I was afraid of making a mistake. I didn’t know about my habenula’s kill switch. It was like trying to drive a car with one foot on the gas and the other on the brake. I didn’t get very far. I did manage to get myself into a rebound-marriage that didn’t last long and almost killed me (that’s another story for another time).

                I was definitely not looking for love when I met Carlin. The year before we met I had done some serious therapy. I was able to deal with a lot of wounding from my childhood and to look honestly at my two relationships without seeing them as failures, but as life-lessons that were teaching me what wasn’t working and how to enjoy life more fully. I began to feel that I was OK just the way I was and that I didn’t need a woman to complete me. That was a new experience for me.

                I also read a book that changed my life. It was called The Hazards of Being Male by psychologist Herb Goldberg. He said,

                “The male has paid a heavy price for his masculine ‘privilege’ and power. He is out of touch with his emotions and his body. He is playing by the rules of the male game plan and with lemming-like purpose he is destroying himself — emotionally, psychologically and physically.”

                This led to my joining a men’s group and finding a group of brothers that I never had. The group continues meeting. Carlin says she believes that one of the main reasons she and I have a successful marriage that has lasted forty-six years is because I have been in a men’s group that has lasted forty-seven years.

                Dr. Bobinet would tell you, as she does in Chapter 7, that “Iterators Never Fail.” Instead of seeing dating and mating as a performance that is a “win-lose” proposition, see it is an adventure to be enjoyed and learned from.

                “At all costs,” says Dr. Bobinet, “Don’t believe you failed. And if you do, neutralize that failure as quickly as possible, get back in the saddle ASAP and keep trying.”

                I tell my clients:

                “Forget about what the romantic notion that ‘there is one right partner’ for you.”

                Movies and myths will tell you, with appropriate music playing in the background, that you will see a stranger across a crowded room and you will know that he/she is the one. That’s like looking for a needle in a haystack and guarantees failure. I say, only partially with tongue in cheek, there are 5,283 perfect partners for you. You can’t fail to find one. Enjoy the adventure of getting to know some interesting people along the way. I found my Carlin and you will find your own perfect partner, with a little help from your friends.

                Let me know if I can help. I look forward to hearing from you. Email me: Jed@MenAlive.com and put “help with love” in the subject line.

                If you would like to subscribe to my free weekly newsletter with news you can use and timely articles, you may do so here: https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/.

The post Looking for Love in All the Right Places: How to Find Your Perfect Partner and Live Passionately Ever After appeared first on MenAlive.

                I have been a psychotherapist, marriage and family counselor for more than fifty years.  It all began for me when I held our newborn son in my arms shortly after his birth in 1969. In 1972 my wife and I adopted a little girl. I made a promise to them that I would be a different kind of father than my father was able to be for me and do everything I could to help create a world where fathers were fully healed in involved with their families throughout their lives.

                I recently had the privilege of interviewing Darby Saxbe, PhD, author of Dad Brain: The New Science of Fatherhood and How It Shapes Men’s Lives. I learned about her work from my colleagues Gary Barker founder and CEO of the Equimundo Center for Masculinities and Social Justice and Richard V. Reeves, founder and President of The American Institute for Boys and Men.

                Dr. Saxbe is a clinical psychologist and professor at the University of Southern California. She has published more than eighty scientific articles in peer-reviewed journals.

                Dr. Saxbe and I had a lively discussion about our interest in boys and men and the importance of fathering. She shared her own experiences with her father growing up and what changed when her dad became a full-time parent of her and her siblings. We discussed the long-time studies of women like Dr. Susana Carmona and Dr. Sarah Blaff Hrdy. I had interviewed Dr. Hrdy following the publication of her book, Father Time: A Natural History of Men and Babies. I wrote about Dr. Hrdy and her work in an article, “Father Time: How Dads Are Being Called to Change the World for Good.”

                Fatherhood, like motherhood, has always been central to life but in recent years has taken center stage. In a recent article by Richard V. Reeves author of, Of Boys and Men: Why The Modern Male is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do About It, titled Modern Fatherhood, My New Obsession, he said,

                “I’ve come to believe that if there is a one-word solution to the challenges of boys and men it is this: fatherhood.”

                “Over the last decade, we’ve learned more about the transformative power of parenthood — biologically, psychologically, and socially — than ever before,” says Dr. Saxbe. “But while the experience of motherhood has attracted well-deserved attention, fatherhood has remained overlooked and, often, misunderstood.”

                Darby Saxbe’s interest in fatherhood is personal as well as professional.

                “Research is me-search,” she told me. “I became a psychologist who studies family relationships, had my own babies as I completed my training and remain endlessly curious about how fathers tick more than twenty years later.”

                I learned that Dr. Saxbe is one of the few researchers in the world to has collected longitudinal neuroimaging research on men as they become fathers. She also interviews new dads in her lab and asks them about their expectations and experiences of parenthood.

                In writing the Dad Brain, Dr. Saxbe got questions about why we should put dads in the spotlight when women shoulder most of the unsung caregiving? She says,

                “I’d answer that parenthood is not a zero-sum game. Acknowledging the role of dads doesn’t devalue the contribution of moms. In fact, both mothers and children benefit when fathers invest in parenting.”

                She goes on to say,

                “Humans evolved to depend on a variety of caregivers. When asked what matters most for healthy child development, Urie Bronfenbrenner, the psychologist who helped create Head Start (and a dad himself), said it best: ‘Somebody’s got to be crazy about that kid. That’s number one. First, last and always.’ Standing up for fathers helps us build the tag team of adults who are crazy about their kids. That, I hope, is a cause we can all champion.”

                I described my own experiences as a father and a son in my book, My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound which was published in 2018.

                “There is one problem that surpasses all others in its impact on men, women, and society, it is the family father wound. We focus on the importance of mothers in determining the well-being of children. Yet, without the support of their fathers, men become puppets on a string, disconnected from their true selves, feeling that others are controlling their lives. The family father wound may be the most pervasive, most important, and least-recognized problem facing men and their families today.”

The New Science of Fatherhood and How It Shapes Men’s Lives

                Part 1 of Dad Brain is titled, “The Science of Fatherhood: Building a Dad Brain.” In ten engaging and enlightening chapters Dr. Saxbe covers the following topics:

1. What Makes a Good Dad?

• Human fathers are not like other mammals.
• The evolving story of fatherhood.

2. Who’s Your Daddy?

• False paternity rate — the number of men raising children they erroneously believe to be biologically their — has been estimated at 1 to 2 percent or nearly one in every fifty births.
• A few Indigenous societies believe in partible paternity where multiple males may be the father recalling the musical Mamma Mia where Sophie (Amanda Seyfried) secretly invites three men from her mother’s (Meryll Streep) past to her wedding to find out who her real father is.

3. Birth of a Dad: How Fathers Experience Childbirth

4. The Incredible Shrinking Father Brain (which is good thing)

5. Dad Brain in Action

6. The Trouble with Testosterone (High T is not always good)

7. Hormonal Stew

8. Sad, Mad, and Misunderstood

9. Dad Bods and Cat Naps

 10. A Crisis for Couples

                Part 2 of Dad Brain is titled, “The Practice of Fatherhood: Life With a Dad Brain” and covers the following topics:

11. Dads on the Move: Parenting, Play, and Sports

12. Fathering Beyond Biology

 13. Fatherhood, Interrupted: Separation and Trauma

14. Man Enough to Be a Dad

15. Dads at Work

16. Fatherhood as Public Good

17. Fatherhood and the Good Life

                Fatherhood changed my life when Jemal was born in 1969. I was twenty-five years old. It continued to change my life when our daughter Angela was born three years later. My first wife and I divorced in 1976 and our daughter came to live with me. Being a full-time dad took my experiences of fatherhood to an even deeper level.

                When I met Carlin and we married in 1980, she had three sons from a previous marriage. Her younger son and my daughter eventually came to live with us and I experienced the challenges and joys of a blended family.

                I still have vivid memories of the day my own father left. I was five years old. I learned that he had what was called a “nervous breakdown” and was committed to Camarillo State Mental Hospital, north of our home in Los Angeles. I learned later that he had taken an overdose of sleeping pills after becoming increasingly depressed because he couldn’t support his family doing the work he loved.

                After two years in the hospital the doctors told my mother he would likely have to stay for many years and might never recover. She eventually filed for divorce. But my father never accepted life behind bars. After seven years in the hospital, he escaped and never returned.

                My father never gave up on me and I never gave up on him. I share our healing journey in my book My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound.

At the end of Darby Saxbe’s wonderful book, which I highly recommend, she says,

                “About a decade ago, I received a letter from my father about those years when he transformed from absentee dad to primary parent. In it, he wrote that my mother’s departure wrecked him, but caring for us — my brothers, my sister, and me — kept him going. We gave him purpose and helped him put one foot in front of the other when he wanted to give up.”

                If you would like to learn more about Darby Saxbe, PhD and her work, you can visit her at https://www.darbysaxbe.com/

                If you would like to watch the in-depth interview I had with Darby, you can view it here.

                If you would like to know more about me and my work, please visit me at:

                https://menalive.com/. I would love to hear from you.

The post The Transformation of Fathers for The Wellbeing of the World appeared first on MenAlive.

                A 2014 study published in the The Journal of Sexual Medicine reported that men under 5 feet 9 inches had a higher weekly frequency of sexual intercourse compared to their taller counterparts. As a 5-foot-5-inch man, I was heartened to read about this study. Before we delve into the different sexual experiences of shorter vs taller males, we need to look at the changing sexual trends that are impacting everyone.

                News Flash: While I was writing this article, Dolly Parton died. She was one of my heroes. I loved her, her music, and what she gave to the world. In a world of conflict, blame, and shame, Dolly was a beacon of hope. I will have more to share in future articles, but here I will say that I didn’t love her just because she was short. Certainly, being a short woman has different challenges than being a short man.

                What stands out to me about Dolly Parton was that she absolutely knew who she was, believed in herself, and expressed herself in ways that we can all learn from — Her lifelong connection to her roots, her long-term successful marriage, her inspirational songs and music, her love of children, and her belief in the goodness of everyone. She will be missed, but her legacy will live forever.

                I have been helping men, women, and couples improve their sex and love lives for more than fifty years. In the last five years, I have seen a disturbing trend. Men and women of all ages are having less sex, and many males are giving up on partnered sex all together and turning to pornography and AI companions. What is going on?

                Dr. Debra Soh is a neuroscientist who specializes in human sexuality. She has written an important new book, SEXtinction: The Decline of Sex and the Future of Intimacy. “Society has never been more sexualized,” says Dr. Soh, “yet we are having less sex than ever before. In 2016, a study published in the academic journal Archives of Sexual Behavior found that young people were having less sex than their preceding generations.”

                The study went on to say, “Millennials (born from 1980 to 1994 in their early twenties at the time) were more likely than previous generations at the same age to report no sexual partners since turning eighteen. The results were expected to continue for the Millennials’ successors, Generation Z (or ‘Zoomers,’ born from 1995 to 2012).”

                This sweeping global trend is affecting both sexes and all age cohorts but is especially pronounced among Millennials and Generation Z, with roughly one in three men and one in five women reporting they haven’t had sex in the past year.”

                “Considering that young men have, on average a higher sex drive and greater sociosexuality (that is, enjoyment of casual sex) than women, their decline in sexual activity is the opposite of what one might expect,” says Dr. Soh.

The Two Turbines of Change Impacting the Dynamic Between the Sexes Today

                In Sextinction, Dr. Soh describes two important factors driving the changes we are seeing in today’s sexual relationships:

1. Men are losing the social and economic characteristics that make them attractive partners to women.
2. Women are excelling along these very same vectors.

                Hypergamy (aka, marrying up) states that women, on average, look for financial resources and status in a potential mate and will trade up to acquire the best partner they can find. From an evolutionary perspective, this makes sense since pregnancy is riskier for females than it is for males. “Evolutionarily speaking,” says Dr. Soh, “Procreating with a mate who couldn’t protect and provide was dangerous. In most cases, it meant that neither you nor your children could expect to live for long.”

                Through the ages, women typically look for partners who are at least as successful as they are. Men generally seek partners based on youth and physical attractiveness, which are indicators of high fertility and likely reproductive success. But times, they are a changing, as Bob Dylan reminds us, in his iconic anthem. Some of the changes noted by Dr. Soh are the following:

• Starting in adolescence, girls are more likely than boys to complete high school and continue to higher education.

• For the past four decades, more women than men have graduated with bachelor’s degrees.

• Since the mid-2000s, women have earned the majority of doctoral degrees.

• In a few years, two women will graduate university for every man.

• Women account for over half (50.7 percent) of the college-educated US labor force.

                “Bluntly put,” says Dr. Soh, “if men are unemployed or make less money than the women they are interested in, they will have a hard time attracting a partner.”

                We are living within a system that rewards the few at the expense of the many. The rich get richer and the rest fall further behind. An increasing number of men are experiencing “deaths of despair” and many have given up finding work that pays a livable income.

                In the words of Gloria Steinem, women are becoming the men they wanted to marry. This is why more women are turning away from marriage and more men are feeling increasingly hopeless. Many come to believe the 1970s bumper sticker: A Woman Needs a Man Like a Fish Needs a Bicycle.

                Or they ascribe to the more recent “Three Sixes” Rule. Dr. Soh says it describes a man who “is six feet or taller, has six-figure salary, and possesses a six-inch manhood. (In some cases, this rule will also require a potential mate to have a six-pack of abdominal muscles.”

                It’s not surprising that so many men feel they will never measure up. Statistically speaking:

• The average penis length is about five inches.
• Only 17 percent of men make over $100,000 annually.
• And less than 15 percent of men in the U.S. are six feet tall.

                The loneliness epidemic is getting worse:

• The average person today has fewer friends than in previous decades.
• More than 25 percent of adults live alone, nearly 20 percent are neither married nor cohabitating with a partner.
• According to the American Psychiatric Association, 10 percent of adults report feeling lonely every day.

Why Short Men Have More Sex and Make Better Partners

                Growing up I was always the shortest boy in my class. My mother and father were short, but my mother said I had tall uncles and I would get my growth spurt soon. I just had to be patient. I will be eight-three years old in December and I’m still waiting. I lied about my height when I said I was a five-feet-five-inch man.  I have lost an inch over the years, which happens to older people.

                The good news is that my wife, Carlin, just turned eight-eight. The even better news is that she has lost four inches and now I’m finally taller than her, even without the big hat.  Here’s a picture of us a few years ago at the Willits Kinetic Carnivale.

                As you can see, I attracted the most beautiful, sexy, and desirable woman I could imagine. And yes, from the time we met, fell in love, and married in 1980, everyone told her they couldn’t believe she was 42. “You look so much younger.” They said the same thing when she was 52, 62, 72, 82, and I’m sure they will say the same thing when she’s 92.

                Taller men have always been putting the moves on her since we first met. They were sure if given the opportunity she would dump the short guy (me) for a more manly man (like themselves.) But there are a few things I have learned over the years:

• Knowing yourself and accepting who you are gives you a unique advantage in life. When you’re short, you’re short. You can stop trying to live up to other people’s expectations of desirability. I called it Quiet Confidence in an article I wrote, “The Hidden Secret of Becoming a Sexually Successful Male.”

• When we accept ourselves the way we are, we gain confidence that allows us to be successful in work and in love. That’s real sex appeal.

• Short men are sexy, even when Hollywood movie moguls make you believe they are taller: Al Pacino (5’7″), Tom Cruise (5’7″), The Big Bang Theory’s Johnny Galecki (5’5’’), Dustin Hoffman (5’4¾”).

                And we shouldn’t forget the only movie star, Elijah Wood (5’5’’), who had to be digitally enhanced to look shorter to play his part as Frodo the courageous Hobbit.

• When you don’t need to aspire to the tall ideal women are initially looking for, you can enjoy getting to know a woman without having to impress her.

• Being short helps us remember that the magic of getting what we want in the world has more to do with how we respond to the realities of life, than the realities themselves.  

• We know that love, passion, friendship, and intimacy, can develop slowly and can be savored like fine wine.

• As some forgotten sage once said: “Be who you is, because if you be who you ain’t, you ain’t who you is.”  ‘Nuff said.

                You can learn more about my work by visiting me at www.MenAlive.com

The post Why Short Men Have More Sex appeared first on MenAlive.

                As a marriage and family counselor for more than fifty years, I have a long-time interest in improving the love lives of men and women. I am also a leader in the emerging field of gender-specific health care and specialize in working with men and their families. I first learned about the work of Dr. Leonard Sax in 2005 when I read his book Why Gender Matters: What Parents and Teachers Need to Know About the Emerging Science of Sex Differences.

                Dr. Sax also wrote the book Boys Adrift in 2007 with a revised edition in 2016. I was excited when I was sent a copy of his 2026 edition. What he shares in the book can not only help us understand the growing epidemic of unmotivated boys and underachieving young men, but the ways unhealed males impact the lives of girls and young women. More importantly, he offers practical tools for reversing this dangerous trend and helps men and women to become true and equal partners in marriage and in life.  

                I recently interviewed Dr. Sax who has an unusual background and skill set. He is a board-certified family physician with many years’ experience helping children and adults. He is also a PhD psychologist who has helped youth and adults with mental, emotional, and relational health problems. He has also visited more than 500 schools over the past 25 years listening and talking with students and teachers.

                He shares two stories in his book that, for me, capture the essence of problem we are facing today:

                “One teacher at a high school I recently visited asked the girls in his class, ‘What words come to mind when you hear the word ‘male’? He wrote the words on the whiteboard as the girls called them out.

• The first word a girl called out can’t be printed here, but it begins with the letter ‘A’ and ends with ‘hole’
• ‘Immature,’  
• ‘Mean’
• ‘Self-centered’
• ‘Disrespectful’
• ‘Unhygienic’
• ‘Not emotionally connected.’”

                The second story involved a young woman Dr. Sax had seen as a physician from the time she was a child and was now a 20-year-old mother of two little toddlers of her own. When he encountered her on the street one day he said,

                “I bumped into Brett the other day, and he was just going on and on about how great you are, and how funny you are, and how pretty you are. He told me he’s asked you to marry him. Twice… Lynda, how come you don’t want to marry the father of your two children?”

                Her answer was short and succinct and spoke to an issue I have heard many times from other women.

                “Dr. Sax, I already got two babies at home. I don’t need a third,” she answered.

                In the work I have been doing in recent years as a marriage and family counselor I hear from many single or divorced women who say,

                “I want real lasting love with a good man, but there aren’t any out there. I’m ready to give up.”  

                I tell the women that there are many good men out there, but they can be difficult to find. Men are equally discouraged,

                “I’m busting my butt trying to be a good man, but women are impossible to please and they piss me off.”

                I tell the guy I understand their frustration and encourage them to improve their lives and become the kind of man who the woman they want won’t be able to resist.

                For anyone who has visited my website, MenAlive, they see my welcome video, “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor.” Finding a partner and having a passionate, long-lasting marriage isn’t easy, even for experts. People also hear that my present wife, Carlin, and I have been married for forty-six years, and our relationship gets better through the years.

                When I thought I had written my last book (number sixteen), Carlin challenged me to write at least one more.

                “With all the conflict these days between women and men, you need to write a book that tells guys what you’ve learned about how to become a man of value.” 

                The result is my book, 12 Rules for Good Men which follows my previous book, The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why the Best is Still to Come.

                Dr. Sax and I are kindred spirits. In his new edition of Boys Adrift he says,

                “Across the board, women are looking to marry men who are at least as accomplished and ambitious as they are, and there are no longer enough good men to go around.”

                Dr. Sax goes on to offer some disturbing statistics:

• Nearly 1 in 5 young men 25 to 34 years of age is now still living at home with a parent, compared to fewer than 1 in 8 women.

• 1 in 3 American men with only a high school degree is not working and not looking for work; that’s 10 million American men who are not even in the labor force.

                It isn’t just that modern mores have changed and young people are “coupling” without formalizing it with a marriage ceremony. The trend is the same for those married as well as those living together and it is not limited to the U.S.

                “Looking around the world,” says Dr. Sax, “we see a marked decline in both coupling and in the total fertility rate from the 1990s through the 2020s, in countries as diverse as Finland, Mexico, Peru, South Korea, Thailand, Tunisia, and Turkey.”

                Dr. Sax says,

                “Healthy marriages are fundamental to a healthy society.”

                He goes on to offer the reasons that so many young women now find the prospect of partnering with a young man unappealing.

                “As a family doctor, I heard from a young woman who said, ‘I don’t mind so much that he earns less money than I do. But he’s just a bum. He expects me to make all the meals, clean up after him. He’s not a child. I’m not his mother.”

The Six Factors That Parents, Boys, and Young Men Need to Know to Fulfill Their Potential

                In previous editions of the book, Dr. Sax described the following five factors which I will detail briefly before addressing the most recent factor that is both surprising and frightening.  

1. Changes in the education system with schools becoming more unfriendly to boys.
2. The ubiquity of video games.
3. Over-medicating boys for ADHD.
4. Endocrine disruptors in the water affecting males.
5. The loss of male role models to teach boys what it means to be a good man.
6. The new factor: Pornography, AI Girlfriends, and the Manosphere

                Pornography is nothing new, but what boys and men can view freely now is more addicting and violent than anything we’ve previously seen. Dr. Sax says,

                “I’m talking about digital, streaming, online pornography, pornography generated by artificial intelligence, of the kind that didn’t really exist before 2010 or in some cases 2020.”

                Dr. Sax goes on to say,

                “Researchers recently found that 45% of the most popular videos on Pornhub include at least one act of physical aggression against women. Spanking, gagging, slapping, hair pulling, and choking were the most popular.”

                AI girlfriends create such realistic “sex partners” that boys and men can become hooked and find they can no longer get turned on by real encounters with real women.

                The Manosphere is driven by equally compelling “influencers” that draw young men in and sell them false hope for fame and fortune that supposedly will make them irresistible to women.

                Is it any wonder that many boys and young are drifting further away and girls and women are checking out of the dating and mating game? Dr. Sax says,

                “A 16-year-old girl told me how her 17-year-old boyfriend asked for anal sex. She said no. He said that all the girls in the porn videos love anal sex. She said, ‘You idiot, those are actresses. They are being paid. They are pretending. How about we shove something hard up your behind and see how much you like it?’ The relationship ended soon after.”

                Fortunately, healing is not only possible, but things are changing for the better. We all have a part to play. We invite you to join us.

Learn More Here

                To learn more about Dr. Leonard Sax, his books, and his work, visit him at:

                https://www.leonardsax.com/. He says he responds directly to those who reach out to him.

                You can watch my interview with Dr. Sax here.

                If you would like to read more articles like these, I invite you to subscribe to my free weekly newsletter at MenAlive.com: https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/

The post Boys Adrift: The Epidemic Destroying Our Families and The Man Who Knows How to Heal Them appeared first on MenAlive.

                I have been a clinician specializing in men’s mental health for more than fifty years. Professionally, the work began for me on November 21,1969 when I held my newborn son in my arms and made a vow that I would be a different kind of father than my father was able to be for me and to do everything I could to help men live fully healthy lives.

                Personally, my work began much earlier. In 1949, when I was five years old, my forty-three-year-old father took an overdose of sleeping pills. He had become increasingly depressed when he couldn’t support his family doing the work he loved. Fortunately, he didn’t die but was committed to Camarillo State Mental Hospital, forty miles north of our home in Los Angeles.

                I didn’t understand what happened to my father, but my uncle agreed to visit him at the hospital and my mother wanted me to go with him.

                “Your father needs you,”

                she told me. I didn’t understand why he was in a hospital or what I could do to help, but being a dutiful son I went with my uncle every Sunday for a year even though I was becoming increasingly frightened and confused seeing my father locked up with “crazy” people. I wrote about my experiences, my father’s deteriorating mental health, and his eventual escape in my book, My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound.

                I grew up, went to college at U.C. Santa Barbara, then in 1965 was awarded full-tuition fellowship to attend medical school at U.C. San Francisco. I wanted to become a psychiatrist and help men like my father but found medical school to be too restrictive in their approach to treating patients.

                I transferred to U.C. Berkeley’s School of Social Welfare and later returned to school and earned my PhD in International Health. My dissertation research was published as a book, Male vs Female Depression: Why Men Act Out and Women Act In. I have had a long and successful career thus far helping men and their families to live fully, love deeply, and make a positive difference in the world.

                The field has changed a great deal since I first began my work in 1969. I was excited to learn about a new book by a colleague, Andrew P. Smiler, Clinical Work With Men: Understanding Masculinity in Psychotherapy. I recently had the opportunity to interview Dr. Smiler for my MenAlive podcast.

                Clinical Work With Men is the kind of book I wish were available when my father needed help, but glad it is available now. Drawing on extensive research and clinical experience, Smiler introduces seven common masculinity types — from the breadwinner and the protector to the angry man and the player — each with its own strengths, struggles, and therapeutic applications. Through vivid clinical vignettes and actionable strategies, therapists will learn to:

• Recognize the core values and identify themes that drive male clients’ behavior;
• Build rapport by aligning therapeutic approaches with clients’ self-understandings;
• Address emotional development, social connection, and intersectional challenges and
• Apply practical interventions tailored to diverse masculinities.

                Dr. Smiler is an award-winning author, therapist, and psychologist. His therapeutic practice focuses on helping teenage boys, adult men, and their families live happier, healthier, and more productive lives. He is a past president of the American Psychological Association Division 51, the Society for the Psychology of Men and Masculinities. He is also the author of several other books including Is Masculinity Toxic? A Primer for the 21^st Century.

The Emerging Field of Gender-Specific Medicine

                Marianne J. Legato, MD, is an internationally renowned academic, physician, author and lecturer. She pioneered the new field of gender-specific medicine. She is a Professor Emerita of Clinical Medicine at Columbia University College of Physicians & Surgeons and an Adjunct Professor of Medicine at Johns Hopkins Medical School. Dr. Legato is also the founder and director of the Foundation for Gender-Specific Medicine, which she created in 2006.

                In her 2002 book, Eve’s Rib: The New Science of Gender-Specific Medicine and How It Can Save Our Life, she says,

                “Until now, we’ve acted as though men and women are essentially identical except for the differences in reproductive function. In fact, information we’ve been gathering over the past ten years tells us that this is anything but true, and that everywhere we look, the two sexes are startlingly and unexpectedly different not only in their normal function but in the ways they experience illness.”

                Dr. Legato is not the only clinician and researcher to take the risk to tackle sex and gender issues. There are many, including David C. Page, MD. Dr. Page is professor of biology at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) and director of the Whitehead Institute, where he has a laboratory devoted to the study of the Y-chromosome. 

                “It has been said that our genomes are 99.9% identical from one person to the next,” says Dr. Page. “It turns out that this assertion is correct as long as the two individuals being compared are both men. It’s also correct if the two individuals being compared are both women. However, if you compare the genome of a man with the genome of a woman, you’ll find that they are only 98.5% identical. In other words, the genetic difference between a man and a woman are 15 times greater than the genetic difference between two men or between two women.” 

                In looking ahead to the future of gender-specific healthcare, Dr. Paige is hopeful.

                “Here’s what I think. We need to build a better tool kit for researchers that is XX and XY informed rather than our current gender-neutral stance. We need a tool kit that recognizes the fundamental difference on a cellular, organ, system, and person level between XY and XX. I believe that if we do this, we will arrive at a fundamentally new paradigm for understanding and treating human disease.”

                One of the most innovative and effective programs in this emerging field is Man Therapy,  led by Joe Conrad.

                “Man Therapy was launched in 2010,” says Conrad. “We realized early on that if we waited until men were in crisis, we would be too late. From the beginning, our team set three goals for Man Therapy:

1) Break through the stigma surrounding mental health by making it approachable.

2) Encourage help-seeking behavior.

3) Reduce suicidal ideation.

                “Through research, men told us to just give them the information they needed to fix themselves, so we built a website that provides a broad range of information, resources, and tools to do just that. It is extremely rewarding to know that we are accomplishing our goal of positively impacting and changing men’s lives.”

                Another important program is the American Institute for Boys and Men (AIBM) founded by Richard V. Reeves, author of the book Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do About It. One of the chapters in the book, and a focus of the work of AIBM, is titled “Men Can Heal: Getting Men into Jobs of the Future.”

                Reeves notes there has been great success getting more women into STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics) professions. Now we need to get more men into HEAL (Health, Education, Administration, and Literacy) professions. Given the challenges facing men today, there is a great need to get more men trained to work in the field of men’s mental, emotional, and relational health.

Dr. Smiler Offers Help For Men and Their Families Now

                Following our interview Dr. Smiler offering some concluding remarks about what he hopes other therapists will learn when they read the book.

                “I want to expand how you think about men and masculinity and help you move away from cultural stereotypes so you can meet your male clients where they are and recognize the positive and negative components of their masculinity.”

                Dr. Smiler offers therapy and coaching services as well as workshops. He offers practical problem-solving for men and those who support them.

                “Whether you’re a guy looking to improve your own life or you’re a concerned parent, teacher, or coach — creation starts here,” says Dr. Smiler.

                You can learn more about Dr. Andrew P. Smiler and his work here:

                https://andrewsmiler.com/

                You can watch our full interview here.

                If you enjoy reading articles about men’s mental, emotional, and relational healing, I invite you to subscribe to my free weekly newsletter here:

                https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/

The post Clinical Work With Men: Why We Need Gender-Specific Therapy For Men’s Mental, Emotional, and Relational Health appeared first on MenAlive.

                This is the third in a series of articles I’m writing about what I am learning about life, love, and health since the shocking call from my doctor following my yearly visit to my cardiologist.

                “Your recent tests show that you need a pacemaker to prevent serious heart problems.”

                In the first article, “Living and Loving After Getting a Pacemaker,” I described my earlier problems with tachycardia when my heart would suddenly speed up, treatment I received, and the things I had learned.

                In the second article, “For My Children, Grandchildren, and Great Grandchildren,” I talk about my own family history and the things I have learned in my eight-three years of life that I want to pass on to future generations. In this article, I will explore the deeper things I am learning about love, life, and the changes we go through at various stages in our lives.  

                I went back to the hospital on Monday to check on my pacemaker and be sure everything was working OK. Tests showed that everything is working fine and messages are being transmitted back to the doctors whenever my heart gets out of rhythm.

                As my cardiologist described to me, in some ways the electrical system that keeps our heart in rhythm is similar to the wiring in our houses. As we get older things can get out of sync in the same way that the wiring in an old house can become faulty and cause problems. Putting in a pacemaker gives me the help I need to keep the electrical system of my heart working properly.

                I’m still getting used to having a physical object in my chest and learning to work with this new partnership between my biological and psychological self and the technology that allows my doctors the ability to know what is going on with my heart’s electrical system.

                I am amazed that this modern technology not only alerts my doctor to the inner workings of my heart but automatically sends an electrical signal to both chambers of my heart to get them back into a healthy rhythm.

                Although I appreciate the technological wonders of modern medicine that can keep us alive and well, I also like to tune into the lessons that illnesses and malfunctions can teach us.

                I believe there is deep wisdom within our body/mind/spirit that connects us to the wisdom of the universe. In my recent morning walk and meditation, I asked what I needed to learn by developing the arrythmia that created the need for the pacemaker. What came back to me was that I needed to learn more about “the rhythms of love as we age.”

New Wisdom About the Rhythms of Love and Life

                For me, matters of the heart have always been associated with love. From the time I was nine years old I used to take the bus from our home in the San Fernando Valley into Hollywood where I would get off at Hollywood and Vine and go on adventures. This was the early 1950s, a time when the world was safer, or seemed so, and where a single mom could trust a mature boy like me to go off in the morning and return safely by late afternoon.

                One of my favorite adventures was to walk to Grauman’s Chinese Theater. Established by showman Sid Grauman, this iconic venue was known for its distinctive Chinese pagoda architecture and had been a significant landmark in Los Angeles since its opening in 1927. The theatre hosted numerous film premieres and events, making it a central location for Hollywood’s glitz and glamour. It was the site of the Academy Awards from 1944 to 1946, further solidifying its status in the film industry.

                I would pay $1.00 to see a show $.25 for a box of popcorn. I would lose myself in romantic movies like Three Coins in the Fountain, where I imagined falling in love with a beautiful woman at the Trevi Fountain in Rome or being the jewel thief Pépé le Moko who was lured out of the Casbah by the beautiful Yvonne De Carlo. I took seriously the love lessons I learned from the Academy Award Nominated song, “For Every Man There’s a Woman.”

                I can still remember the words and hear the music in my mind.

For every man there’s a woman
For every life there’s a plan
And wise men know it was ever so
Since the world began, woman was made for man
Where is she, where is the woman for me?

                For those who visit my website, MenAlive, you are greeted by my welcome video, “Confessions of a Twice Divorced Marriage Counselor.” Through the years I learned that wisdom offered about love and marriage in romantic movies of the 1950s was engaging but limited in its ability to help a young boy learn about what it means to be a man and have a successful relationship with a woman.  

                My wife, Carlin, and I have been married for forty-six years. It was the third marriage for both of us. We had both grown up in dysfunctional families, raised by single mothers following the divorce from our fathers. When we first met and fell in love in 1980, the rhythm of our love was intense, fast, and furious.

                We each had children from our previous relationships (she had three and I had two) and we raised her youngest son and my daughter together. During the child-rearing years I would describe the rhythm of our love was like constantly juggling multiple balls in the air, picking them up when they fell, and trying to find time to love ourselves and each other.

                After the kids were grown up, left the nest, and were out on their own, we finally had time for ourselves. We devoted more time to our own work. Carlin started a School for Joyful Living and Sacred Action. She wrote her first book, Love It, Don’t Label It: A Practical Guide for Using Spiritual Principles in Everyday Life. I travelled more, spoke at conferences and wrote the international best-sellers Male Menopause and Surviving Male Menopause: A Guide for Women and Men. We had time to travel together and enjoyed romantic days and nights together. Our rhythm of love was free and easy, fun, and frolicking.

                We really didn’t think much about aging. If we thought about it at all, we just assumed that we’d just continue on the joyful path we were on. All that changed suddenly three-and-a-half years ago when Carlin slipped on a wet sidewalk and called me in distress. I was able to get her to the hospital but soon found she had broken her hip and needed surgery. During the surgery, she suffered a mild stroke (if any stroke can be considered mild).

                She went from being strong and independent to needing a great deal of care and support. I took over many of the tasks she used to do including paying the bills and doing our taxes. Carlin turned eighty-eight in July, and she has worked hard to regain her strength, work with her changed cognition, and continue doing things she loves.

                The rhythm of our love now is deeper, slower, and simpler. We are clearly in a new period of love and life and learning to navigate the mysterious new world we find ourselves in. Life continues to be a beautiful and mysterious adventure.

                I always look forward to hearing from readers. If you haven’t already, I invite you to subscribe to my free weekly newsletter and read new articles when they are published.

The post Getting to the Heart of the Matter, Part 3: The Changing Rhythms of Love Through the Ages appeared first on MenAlive.

                In my recent article, “Getting to the Heart of the Matter: Living and Loving After Getting a Pacemaker,” I described my recent visit to the doctor and the unexpected news that I needed a pacemaker. Test showed that I was having life-threatening arrhythmia, even though I was not aware of any symptoms.

                As my wife, Carlin, and I move into our 80s, we are both aware that our time on earth is limited, though we are doing everything we can to continue to live fully, love deeply, and make a positive difference in the world. We have six grown children, seventeen grand-children, and six great grandchildren. There are some things I have learned that I would like to share with my own children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren as well as others who are seeking guidance during these times of transformation.

                I was born in New York City on December 21,1943 during the dark days of World War II. My father had been an actor in New York City and we moved to Los Angeles, California shortly after my birth. They were able to purchase a small house in the San Fernando Valley for $4,000 from a man who had worked for the phone company and built it himself with telephone polls that were given to him in lieu of pay during the war.

                I remember my parents had a “victory garden” to grow our own fruits and vegetables and raised chickens. I enjoyed playing outside and though the area was becoming more urbanized there was still a good deal of open area and wild spaces where we could play. The winding Los Angeles River was a few blocks from our house where we caught crawdads in the summer and watched it rage wildly in the winter.

                The world I grew up in is very different than the world of today. To address the challenges and opportunities my children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren will face, we must understand our place in the community of life on planet Earth.

                Cosmologist Brian Swimme and historian Thomas Berry, authors of The Universe Story, offer the following timeline [dates are approximate based on best science at the time]:

• 15 billion years ago: The universe begins as “a primordial flaring forth.”

• 4 billion years ago: The first life appeared.

• 216 million years ago: First mammals are present.

• 2.6 million years ago: first humans evolved.

                Clearly it took billions of years for the first life to appear on Earth and millions of years before mammals evolved. Our human ancestors have been here for a relatively short period of time.

                The Challenge we face today is that many of us have forgotten that we are one species among many in the community of life. Most other species have found their place in the community of life and have been here much longer than us. Yet, humans have come to see ourselves as the dominant species.

                As Thomas Berry reminds us,

                “We never knew enough. Nor were we sufficiently intimate with all our cousins in the great family of the earth. Nor could we listen to the various creatures of the earth, each telling its own story. The time has now come, however, when we will listen or we will die.”

                The Opportunity we have is that life has been evolving for 4 billion years. There is infinite wisdom to be had. We just need to have humility and courage to learn how to listen.

                My long-time friend and colleague Chip Conley has done a great deal in his life.

                In a recent newsletter he says,

                “In the era of AI, wisdom is making a comeback as AI doesn’t have the most important raw material for making sense of one’s life and the world: lived experience.”

                He goes on to say, “I’ve spent two dozen years leading a hotel company, more than seven years being the in-house mentor to the Airbnb founders, and now eight years creating the world’s first midlife wisdom school, so I have some raw material. My definition of wisdom is ‘metabolized experience mindfully shared for the common good.’ It’s something real and maybe more important than ever.”

                Here are a few things I will share from my own lived experience acquired over the last 82 years. From the time I was five years old I loved to climb the trees in our yard. My mother would come out to call me in for lunch and she soon learned that if I wasn’t playing in the yard I would be up in one of the trees. Once I got into the trees, I would keep climbing until I was high enough that I could feel the wind gently blowing and the limb I was on would sway back and forth.

                I would call down with delight to my mother on the ground. I could tell by her voice that it scared her to have her only child high up in a tree afraid he might fall to his death. But for me, I felt safe in the trees. It was the human world that seemed confusing and conflicted. In the tree I felt held and at home.

                I never wanted to swing in the trees like I saw in the Tarzan movies I later watched on television. I just wanted to feel connected to the sky, listen to the birds, the wind, and the natural rhythms of life. I believe trees have a lot to teach us. In their book, The Universe Story, Brian Swimme and Thomas Berry say the first trees evolved 370 million years ago.

                 David Attenborough, the world’s best-known natural history filmmaker, describes the loss of biodiversity in his book, A Life on Our Planet: My Witness Statement and Vision for the Future. He says,

                “The spiraling decline of our planet’s biodiversity is the true tragedy of our time. Only when billions of different individual organisms make the most of every resource and opportunity they encounter, and millions of species lead lives that interlock so that they sustain each other, can the planet run efficiently.”

                Since humans have arrived, we have come to dominate the planet, and we are in danger of destroying our life-support system during the three epochs in human history:

                The Pleistocene is the geological epoch (Approximately 2.6 million to 11,700 years ago) during which humans and other large mammals including bears, wolves, and wooly mammoths, evolved.

                The Holocene (11,700 to the present) is the epoch which facilitated the development of agriculture and permanent settlements. It is marked by a warmer climate following the last Ice Age, leading to the development of agriculture and permanent settlements.

                Although not officially designated as a geological epoch, the Anthropocene is seen as being dominated by the spread of humans throughout the world. It is proposed to have begun in the mid-20th century, though its exact start is debated.

                Throughout my life, I have been passionately interested in how humans can best fit in with the other species in the community of life and have observed the tremendous loss of diversity that David Attenborough addresses.  

                My hope is that the adults of our present world will think of the lives of our children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren and change our ways before it is too late.

                “The Anthropocene could yet mark the beginning of a new and sustainable relationship between ourselves and our planet,” says David Attenborough. “It could be a time in which we learn to work with nature rather than against it.”

                I look forward to your own experiences, thoughts and feelings. Come visit me at MenAlive and subscribe to my free weekly newsletter.

The post Getting to the Heart of the Matter, Part 2: For My Children, Grandchildren & Great Grandchildren appeared first on MenAlive.

                It began as a routine yearly follow-up with my cardiologist. I had been referred originally by my family doctor ten years ago because my heart would race periodically even when I wasn’t exercising. The problem was eventually diagnosed as a heart rhythm problem called tachycardia.

                I had always thought of my heart as a pump to get the blood sent through my body. I learned that the pump relies on electrical pulses generated by a small area of tissue called the sinoatrial node that controls they heart’s rhythm. Like the wiring in our house, with age problems can occur. Over time, I was able to learn how to get the rhythm to return to normal on its own.

                However, with this visit, my doctor heard something that causes some concern and further tests showed that I had a more serious problem that if not treated could be dangerous, including sudden death. I was surprised since I didn’t have any symptoms.

                “It’s not an emergency that we need to hospitalize you right away, but I highly recommend you have a pacemaker put in as soon as possible,”

                my cardiologist told me.

                He referred me to a specialist who did these kinds of procedures. The doctor explained it was relatively simple. I would go to the local hospital. The procedure would take about an hour and would be done under local anesthesia. The small devise would be implanted through a small incision in my upper chest under my collar bone, and two small leads would be threaded through a vein into the two chambers of my heart. I would need someone to drive me but could go home the same day.

                Although the news was shocking at first, the decision to have it done was clearly a no-brainer. Over the last three years Carlin has had her own health problems and I’ve become her major caregiver. Dying suddenly from something that could be corrected was not an option.

                It has now been five days since the surgery and things are going OK. I’m still sore but everything is looking good. I must be careful what I do — no heavy lifting, etc. for three to four weeks until things heal. I will go back to the hospital in three weeks to be sure everything is working OK. Life goes on.

Living and Loving as We Move Into the Next Phase of Life

                I will be 83 this year and Carlin will 88. We’ve been married for 46 years. For those who visit my website, MenAlive, you see my welcome video, “Confessions of a Twice Divorced Marriage Counselor.” Third time really was the charm for us. We feel very blessed to be alive and together and able to be there for each other as we continue to enjoy the mysteries of life as we recognize that our earthly journey is moving toward the end.

                In earlier years it never occurred to me that life would be so challenging as we got older. It also never occurred to me that love would be so very sweet and joyful at this time of life. As our physical capacities have become more limited, we take great comfort from waking up each morning, giving each other a “high-five, we’re alive,” and seeing what adventures we have in store for ourselves today.

                We spend more time enjoying simple things:

• Sitting in the garden
• Walking in the neighborhood
• Watching T.V. and seeing David Attenborough share his discoveries about life on planet Earth.
• Connecting with friends and family.

                Carlin is mostly retired from her work as a counselor. I still see a few clients, write regular articles that I post weekly at MenAlive and The Good Men Project. I often interview other experts working in the field of Gender-Specific Healing and Men’s Mental, Emotional, and Relational Health and share their work in my articles. I maintain a few partnerships and collaborations with colleagues.

                Our 6 grown children, 17 grandchildren, and 6 great grandchildren are also a source of joy, as are the many friends we’ve been blessed with over the years.

Opening Our Hearts to the World

                We all have personal challenges in our lives that we must attend to as we move from birth to death. But we all must deal with the realities of world we live in. As I get older, it becomes increasingly clear to me that all life is connected. We survive and thrive, live and die, within an intricate web of life.

                Just as my new pacemaker will help me return to a safe and healthy heart rhythm, I believe that humans need to reconnect with the rhythms of the natural world.

                It is also clear to me that for some time now humans have become disconnected from the community of life and if we are to survive as a species, we must find our way home again. Thomas Berry was a priest, a “geologian,” and a historian of religions. He spoke eloquently about our connection to the Earth and the consequences of our failure to remember we are one member in the community of life.

                He reminds us:

                “We never knew enough. Nor were we sufficiently intimate with all our cousins in the great family of the earth. Nor could we listen to the various creatures of the earth, each telling its own story. The time has now come, however, when we will listen or we will die.”

                David Attenborough is the world’s best-known natural history filmmaker. He recently turned 100 and is still working. In a recent book, A Life on Our Planet: My Witness Statement and Vision for the Future, he says,

                “For life to truly thrive on this planet, there must be immense biodiversity. Only when billions of different individual organisms make the most of every resource and opportunity they encounter, and millions of species lead lives that interlock so that they sustain each other, can the planet run efficiently.”

                Attenborough concludes with this call to action:

                “The natural world is fading. The evidence is all around. It has happened during my lifetime. I have seen it with my own eyes. It will lead to our destruction. Yet there is still time to put things right.”

                Harville Hendrix and his wife Helen LaKelly Hunt have been helping men, women, and couples to learn to listen to each other and communicate more effectively for more than forty years. In an article I wrote about their work, “Healing The Wounded Angry Men of the World Using The Revolutionary Tools of Safe Conversations,” I shared their vision for teaching the skills they have used with couples to the whole world. At their website, Safe Conversations/Quantum Connections,  you can learn about how they intend to teach 2.4 billion people, in the next twenty-five years, the simple practices that can literally save humanity.

My Six Practices for Staying Balanced and Sane in a World Out of Balance

                Here are six practices that I use every day to help me navigate these challenging times:

                1. Do the Next Right Thing and Think the Next Right Thought

                In times of challenge I have found it is easy to become overwhelmed. I have found that asking, “What is the next right thing?” focuses me on the one thing I need to do next. Asking, “What is the next right thought?” keeps my mind free of thoughts if disaster.

                2. Take It Slow and Easy

                When I feel afraid, I tend to speed up and usually make mistakes that slows me down and relaxes me. Taking three deep breaths before I act grounds me.

                3. Let go and let God.

                When I feel I must do everything myself, this thought helps me recognize that I am not alone. There are resources all around me ready to help.

                4. Be kind and patient with myself and others.

                When I feel overwhelmed and inadequate I tend to berate myself or see others as letting me down or actively trying to undermine me. We’re all doing the best we can.

                5. Let them be and let me be.

                In The Let Them Theory Mel Robbins reminds us we can’t make “them” change, we can only change ourselves and that small, consistent action changes everything.

                6. How are things now?

                Most of my pain, worry and panic is about the past or the future. When I ask myself, how things are right now, usually I can say they are OK.

                These are challenging times, but also times of hope, renewal, and transformation. There is still time to do the next right thing. What will you do?

                I look forward to your own experiences, thoughts and feelings. Come visit me at MenAlive and subscribe to my free weekly newsletter.

The post Getting to the Heart of the Matter: Living and Loving After Getting a Pacemaker appeared first on MenAlive.