Mental Health

                Alanna Kaivalya, PhD is on a mission to awaken the feminine soul and improve the love lives of women and men throughout the world. She is a bestselling author, educator, thought leader, and expert on women’s empowerment. In her new book, The Way of the Satisfied Woman: Reclaiming Feminine Power.

                She begins her book with two provocative questions for women.

“What if there was a way to become a fully Satisfied Woman: one who measured meaning on her own terms, recovered her feminine power, dropped masculine expectations for herself, and ascended to her own queenly throne? What if you could have your needs, desires, and cravings fulfilled in a way that empowered, enlightened, and enlivens you?”

                I had the good fortune to interview Dr. Kaivalya for my podcast and found her to be a lively and informed guest and a kindred spirit for the work I’ve been doing with men over the last fifty years. You can view the podcast here. At a time when there is so much confusion about men, women, and relationships, Alanna brings clarity. Instead of adding to the conflicts between women and men, between the feminine and the masculine, she brings healing salves of joy and delight.

                “Let’s start with the femininity,” she says, “Most people assume the word relates to anything female, but what I want us to learn into here is the dynamic psychic (as in ‘of the psyche’) energy that is opposite and complementary to the masculine. Every human, regardless of gender assigned at birth, has both masculine and feminine energy in their psyche.”

                One of the things I most appreciated about Alanna’s work was her willingness to recognize the evolutionary realities that most humans and all living things come in one of two varieties — female or male.

“I speak to people whose gender assigned at birth is female and who primarily express the feminine polarity,”

                Alanna says.

“This is not because other genders and expressions are not valid — of course they are!”

                she goes on to state.

“But this book seeks to reframe femininity for cisgender women and offer support in releasing the paradigms of masculinity that have repressed and oppressed us for far too long.”

                This is good news for women, but also for men. I had similar goals for my book, The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why the Best is Still to Come. In my book and an on-line course I offer, I say,

“We all want real, lasting love, whether we are in our 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, or beyond. Yet too many marriages fall apart and most people don’t know why. They become disillusioned with their marriage. They mistakenly believe that they have chosen the wrong partner, and the relationship falls apart.”

                After going through the grieving process, they start looking again. But after more than fifty years as a marriage and family counselor I have found that most people are looking for love in all the wrong places. They don’t understand that disillusionment is not the beginning of the end, but the third stage of love.

                Most of us grew up with romantic notions of relationships. We went looking for that magical someone, our soul partner, and we fell in love (stage 1). After that stage 2 was easy — and they lived happily ever after. But when disillusionment sets in, we feel we made the wrong choice or we just drifted apart. We go through a grieving process and start looking again or give up on love and marriage.

                Here is my conception of a more enlightened path with the following stages:

• Stage 1: Falling In Love
• Stage 2: Becoming a Couple
• Stage 3: Disillusionment
• Stage 4: Creating Real, Lasting Love
• Stage 5: Using the Power of Two to Change the World

                Alanna is also a believer in the power of love. In her chapter on “The Satisfied Relationship,” she says,

“Perhaps the most important relationship for the modern adult feminine women is intimate partnership. Far from being a clichéd or old-fashioned notion, it is within the sacred dynamic of masculine and feminine that the feminine flourishes.”

                She goes on to say,

“This relationship has the potential to heal the greatest wounds suffered by the feminine, which are often — ironically — at the hands of the distorted masculine.”

Alanna shares the experiences that most all women know well.

“Whether it was our father, brother, boys at school, or members of the wider community, it is nearly inevitable that a young woman experiences some type of psychological, emotional, or physical harm from the opposite polarity. Whether unintentional or intended, whether violent or subtle, these leave indelible marks on the psyche that forever shape our adulthood.”

                This is another area where Alanna and I are in total agreement.

“I can’t emphasize it enough,” she says. “We are wounded in relationship. And we are ultimately healed in relationship.”

                I describe two primary purposes of Stage 3, Disillusionment. First, we must let go of our romantic illusions where we project our unmet needs, our hopes and dreams on our partner. We can’t have a successful relationship until we see our partner as a complex human being. In order to do that, the second purpose is to heal our childhood wounds with our mothers and fathers.

“We are all wounded,”

Dr. Kaivalya reminds us.

“While that may sound fatalistic, cynical, or like a total bummer, it is simply part of the human psychological condition.”

                No one gets through childhood without having experienced wounding from our mothers and fathers, whether they were physically present or absent. Alanna details the mother wound by describing two polarities of “Enmeshment” and “Abandonment.” All of us, whether female or male, came through the body of a woman. Most of us are aware of the deep connection and need for our mothers.

                But too often, women and men, grow up without the emotional presence of a father. Alanna has an important section in her book, “The Father Wound: Dealing with Daddy Issues.” I wrote a whole book My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound. I said,

“There is one problem that surpasses all others in its impact on men, women, and society. It is the family father wound. The father wound, resulting from physical or emotional absence, has been largely ignored. Without a strong sense of inner guidance, men can become abusive towards women and destructive towards men.”

                As Dr. Kaivalya recognizes, the father wound impacts women as well. She says,

 “I can feel the resistance in many readers even as I’m about to write these words: women inevitably fall in love with a replica of their fathers. There I said it.”

                Alanna speaks to women in the same way I speak to men.

“Whether our fathers were present in our lives or not, whether we participate in heteronormative relationships or not, when we look across the span of intimate relationships as adult women, what we find is a common thread that relates back to our early childhood experiences with the masculine parent or caregiver.”

                I think everyone will recognize why I recommend Alanna’s book and her work for both men and women.

                You can learn more about Dr. Alanna Kaivalya by visiting her website: https://www.thesatisfiedwoman.com/

                You can see the interesting podcast discussion I had with Alanna here.

                If you would like to read more interesting articles like these, I invite you to join our community and receive my free newsletter here.  

The post The Way of the Satisfied Woman & The Five Stages of Love appeared first on MenAlive.

               In my recent article, “The Evolution of Manhood and the Emergence of Compassionate Warriors,” I introduced you to the work of Dr. Sarah Hrdy, an anthropologist and primatologist and one of the world’s leading experts on the evolutionary basis of female behavior in both nonhuman and human primates. Dr. Hrdy has recently turned her attention to men. In “Father Time: How Dad’s Are Being Called to Change the World for Good,” we go deeper in exploring the ways dads today are nurturing young children.

               Here we’ll explore what Dr. Hrdy describes as “a new kind of father,” hands-on dads who are leading the way to a better future for their own children and changing the evolutionary future of humankind. 

                In introducing her colleague, Dr. Ruth Feldman, Dr. Hrdy says,

“Born to an illustrious rabbi, Ruth Feldman was a precocious child, beginning to talk by eighteen months. What a shame, a colleague of her father’s once remarked, that his unusually bright daughter was not a son. Among Orthodox Jews, traditionally, it is sons who become scholars. Daughters do other things. Reminiscing years later, Feldman attributed her father’s decision to break with such tradition and promote his clever daughter’s intellectual development to their unusually close relationship. It planted her a powerful drive to succeed.”

                Like Dr. Hrdy, Ruth Feldman began her illustrious career exploring the importance of mothers to the life of her children. But then she became interested in the specific ways that fathers contribute to the wellbeing of children and society. Together with Eyal Abraham and others, Feldman’s team decided to study the changes going on with men who were becoming hands-on parents, involved with their wives in providing care for children beginning at birth. They included a subset of men who were even pairing up with other men to start a family as a same-sex couple. Some were adopting babies, others contracting with surrogates, then nurturing the babies right from birth with no mother involved.

                As Dr. Hrdy reminds us,

“For over 200 million years that mammals have existed, exclusively male care of babies from birth onward has never happened before. Yet, something’s happening now that has never occurred before.”

               As CBS News reported in 2024,

“When it comes to handling a pair of toddlers, Pete Buttigieg, the unflappable Secretary of Transportation, may appear a little jet-lagged. Pete and his husband, Chasten Buttigieg, raise their two-year old twins, Penelope and Gus, in Traverse City, Michigan, where they recently moved full-time from Washington to be closer to family. The kids call Pete ‘Papa,’ and Chasten ‘Daddy.’”

               Pete Buttigieg and his husband Chasten may be a most well-known pair raising their children from birth with only male parents, but they are certainly not the only ones. What we are learning about the male father’s brain is illuminating for all of us.

                Hrdy reported that the Feldman team recruited 89 couples in stable relationships who were first-time parents with babies between 12 and 18 months old. 48 of the couples were same sex-partnerships of two men, while 41 were heterosexual parents living in “traditional” families where the mother acted as primary caretaker (and, in most cases, breastfed), with the father merely helping her out.

                Later, as parents lay inside a magnetic resonance machine watching videos of themselves interacting with their babies, Feldman and coworkers scanned their brains. In the secondary caregiving men from “traditional” family contexts, neural circuits in the cortical region of their brains important in social discrimination and decision-making really lit up.  These were the areas that helped me, as a new dad, figure out what my newborn son needed and think through various options — was he hungry, cold, wet, excited, tired, etc. — and act appropriately.

                The biggest surprise, however, was what happened in the brains of the unusual, first-of-their-kind men acting as primary caretaker for a baby with no woman involved. (This is what went on in my brain when my wife had left me in total care of our infant son when she took a two-week break to go off with her girlfriend when Jemal was a year old.)

                “In their brains,” Hrdy reported Feldman’s findings, “emotion-processing networks involving the amygdala and hypothalamus were stimulated as well. These ‘ancient’ networks dating back to the first mammals, and even further, to their vertebrate precursors. They derive from the same highly conserved neural networks that for 200 million years helped hypervigilant mammalian mothers keep their babies safe.”

                “Now, these same limbic system areas were being activated in the brains of men — but only when the baby’s safety and well-being had become those men’s primary concern day after day.”

                When my wife was away and I was alone with our son, I was aware of every sound that might indicate danger or that our son needed something. Once those circuits become activated, they stay active forever.

                When we adopted our daughter, Angela, I was often on duty at night when my wife was asleep. It was me who often heard her whimpers and instantly awakened at the first sign of something amiss.

                In more and more families today we have men and women working together hand-in-hand to raise children. As Dr. Hrdy and Feldman point out, males and females often parent children differently — men tend to be more active and risk-taking with small children, throwing them up in the air and catching them (much to the horror of moms who worry that we may drop them). But the children love it and good fathers, like good mothers, never drop their infant babies.

                Through evolutionary history mothers have learned to keep their babies safe and alive. What Hrdy, Feldman, and others have shown is that men have the same capacity built into our brains. We can keep our babies safe, but men also can introduce babies to new experiences and that is important too. Good parents, whatever their sexual orientation, learn to be partners in working together.

                Dr. Feldman says that she likes to think about good parenting as 12 bar blues where your left hand is playing that 12 bar blues again and again and it’s predictable and safe. The right hand can improvise, come up with exciting new riffs. The mothers provide the safety and the fathers provide the risk-taking variety. Both are needed.

                In this short video, Dr. Feldman describes what her studies have taught us about the male brain and how it works to provide the vital functions that children need right from the very beginning of life. She also emphasizes that fathers and mothers don’t always realize how vital a father’s involvement is with their babies right from the beginning of life. Men often need encouragement and support to let them know they can trust their own parental instincts just as mothers learn to do.

                I was fortunate to have a wife who was an involved mom from the beginning, but also knew she needed time to herself after the baby was born and trusted me to step in. I was terrified at first, but once I was on my own, I realized I wasn’t really on my own. Even though my wife was gone for two weeks, I learned that my one-year-old son, Jemal, was right there with me. He knew what he needed and he taught me to trust my instincts. We made a great team which continues to serve us well. Jemal is now 53 years old. He and his wife have a child of their own and he tells me I was a great role-model for him about how to be a good dad.

                Our daughter, Angela, is 51, and has four children. She, too, credits me with being an involved, hand-on Dad and her experiences with me have offered a model of what a good parent must do in order to give our children and future generations the best change for a good life.

                I hope all men can learn how vital we are to the wellbeing of our children and that women can learn to trust that fathers can be as good parents to the children as mothers can. Our children, grandchildren, and future generations need us now more than ever.

                I always appreciate comments. It’s the way I know what I’m sharing makes a difference in people’s lives. If you appreciate articles like these and want to read more I invite you to subscribe to my free weekly newsletter here:

The post Time For Fathers: How Hands-on Dads May Be the Hope For Our Future appeared first on MenAlive.

Sam Keen was a philosopher, scholar, and author of life-changing books including Faces of the Enemy: Reflections of the Hostile Imagination (1986), Your Mythic Journey (1990), and Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man (1991). He was also a mentor, friend, and colleague. The April 4, 2025 obituary in The New York Times, headlined: Sam Keen, Philosopher of the Men’s Movement, Is Dead at 93.

                “Only men understand the secret fears that go with the territory of masculinity,”

                Keen was quoted saying and the obituary went on to say,

“His message resonated: His book Fire in the Belly was a best seller.”

                The article went on to say,

“Mr. Keen, who described himself as having been ‘overeducated at Harvard and Princeton’, fled academia in the 1960s for California, where he led self-help workshops and wrote more than a dozen books.”

                Sam and I lived in the same area of northern California and were both in long-standing men’s groups, which I wrote about recently, “Why Joining a Men’s Group May Be the Most Important Decision of Your Life.” In my book, The Warrior’s Journey Home: Healing Men, Healing the Planet, I said,

“The acceptance of weakness and strength is a crucial part of the warrior’s journey home.”

                In his book, Fire in the Belly, Sam Keen gives a magnificent description of this phase of a man’s hero’s journey:

                “This isn’t the fun part of the part of the trip. It’s spelunking in Plato’s cave, feeling our way through the illusions we have mistaken for reality, crawling through the drain sewers where the forbidden ‘unmanly’ feelings dwell, confronting the demons and dark shadows that have held us captive from their underground haunts. At this stage of the journey, we must make use of the warrior’s fierceness, courage, and aggression to break through the rigidities of old structures of manhood, and explore the dark and taboo negative emotions that make up the shadow of modern manhood.”

                One of the most honest and revealing aspects of the modern male shadow that we discuss and explore in the groups that Sam and I were involved with is our ambivalence towards women. In my most recent book, Long Live Men! The Moonshot Mission to Heal Men, Close the Lifespan Gap, and Offer Hope to Humanity, I shared Sam’s revealing insights in section I titled, “Males Feel Engulfed by WOMAN.”

                I said,

“I’ve known Sam for many years, and I believe he offers insights into why men are the way they are that can help us better understand men’s hunger for women, along with our anger and fear of women.”

                In Fire in the Belly, Sam says,

“It was slow in dawning on me that WOMAN had an overwhelming influence on my life and on the lives of all the men I knew. I’m not talking about women, the actual flesh-and-blood creatures, but about WOMEN, those larger-than-life shadowy female figures who inhabit our imaginations, inform our emotions, and indirectly give shape to many of our actions.”

                If you knew Sam, who was tall, good-looking, and successful, you might be as surprised as I was when he shared the deeper truth about his life.

“From all outward appearances, I was a successfully individuated man. I had set my career course early, doggedly stuck to the discipline of graduate school through many years and degrees, and by my mid-thirties was vigorously pursuing the life of a professor and writer. Like most men, I was devoting most of my energy and attention to work and profession.”

                I could identify with Keen’s early experience. My own life trajectory was similar as was “the rest of the story.”  Sam continues saying,

“But if the text of my life was ‘successful independent man,’ the subtext was ‘engulfed by WOMAN.’ All the while I was advancing in my profession, I was engaged in an endless struggle to find the ‘right’ woman, to make my relationship ‘work,’ to create a good marriage.”

                Sam went on to say,

“I agonized over sex — was I good enough? Did she ‘come’? Why wasn’t I always potent? What should I do about my desires for other women? The more troubled my marriage became, the harder I tried to get it right. I worked at communication, sex, and everything else until I became self-obsessed. Divorce finally broke the symbiotic mother-son, father-daughter pattern of my first marriage.”

                Sam’s story is like my own and that of millions of men. When we are engulfed by WOMAN, we are out of touch with our true selves. We project all our hopes for a life of passion, joy, and meaning on to this or that woman, but it never works out because we are really longing for the mythical WOMAN of our dreams. Yet, we continually deny the reality and the power that this mythical female figure exerts in our lives.

                “I would guess,” says Keen, “that a majority of men never break free, never define manhood by weighing and testing their own experience. And the single largest reason is that we never acknowledge the primal power WOMAN wields over us. The average man spends a lifetime denying, defending against, trying to control, and reacting to the power of WOMAN. He is committed to remaining unconscious and out of touch with his own deepest feelings and experience.”

                It took a long time for me to understand my anger and fear of women and to begin the journey of becoming my own man. Sam’s experiences and his words have helped me.

“We begin to learn the mysteries unique to maleness only when we separate from WOMAN’s world,” says Keen. “But before we can take our leave, we must first become conscious of the ways in which we are enmeshed, incorporated, inwombed, and defined by WOMAN. Otherwise we will be controlled by what we haven’t remembered.”

                As long as we are controlled by what we haven’t remembered, we will continue to hate and love women, to hunger for them and also be afraid of them, to touch them tenderly and also want to hurt them. We don’t all have to get a divorce to separate ourselves from the hold that WOMAN has on us, but I do think that we need to be in a men’s group where we can, in the words of another friend and colleague, Robert Bly,

“Men need to be with other men in order to hear the sounds that male cells sing.”

                My own men’s group lasted 46 years. My wife, Carlin, says that one of the main reasons we have had a successful 45-year marriage is because I have been in a men’s group for 46 years. I would add two additional words of wisdom. First, it should be noted that my wife has also been in a number of women’s groups over the years, which I believe have helped her deal with her own issues as well as contributing to our successful marriage.

                Second, most men get themselves to a men’s group because someone cares enough to guide them to one. I was lucky to have found Sam’s books and gotten mentoring from older men. Other men find a men’s group because their wives, girlfriends, or other caring women have suggested, (or sometimes highly suggested, as in “if you don’t get in a men’s group this relationship is over”) that we go.

                Unfortunately, my men’s group came to an end last year. Four of the seven members have died and the group needs more than three to be viable. I believe I have at least twenty good years ahead of me and I have a lot I’d like to share with other guys. I’ve put the word out and have gotten a number of responses, but I’m still talking with men who would like to join. I describe what I’m looking for here. Take a look and reach out if you’re interested.

                Sam Keen will always be a mentor to the group, wherever his spirit may be flying. Thank you, my friend.

The post The Future of Men, Men’s Groups, and the Legacy of Sam Keen appeared first on MenAlive.

        In my recent article, “The Evolution of Manhood and the Emergence of Compassionate Warriors,” I introduced you to the work of Dr. Sarah Hrdy, an anthropologist and primatologist and one of the world’s leading experts on the evolutionary basis of female behavior in both nonhuman and human primates. Dr. Hrdy has recently turned her attention to men.

                In her book, Father Time: A Natural History of Men and Babies, Dr. Hrdy destroys the myths that have kept men disconnected from our evolutionary, God-given–(Kudos to Michael Dowd for his transformative book, Thank God for Evolution)–rights to care, nurture, and hold our sons and daughters from the moment of their birth until…forever.

                I have read thousands of great books in my life and tried to write a few of my own. To say that Father Time can change the world for good would be an understatement. To say the book is timely would also be an understatement. The news is full of stories about boys and men, most of them negative. We might wonder if there is anything good about men. Father Time is not only a book about what is good about men but also offers clear science that proves that men may hold the key that unlocks secrets to our very survival as a species.

                We don’t need scientists to prove that humans are in trouble. We only need to listen to the news (or even just the weather report) to see that we are destroying our life support system and we don’t seem to be able to listen to those who are calling on us to change our ways before it’s too late.

                Thomas Berry was a priest, a “geologian,” and a historian of religions. He spoke eloquently about our connection to the Earth and the consequences of our failure to remember that we are one member in the community of life.

“We never knew enough. Nor were we sufficiently intimate with all our cousins in the great family of the earth. Nor could we listen to the various creatures of the earth, each telling its own story. The time has now come, however, when we will listen or we will die.”

                Father Time offers surprising wisdom of what we might do differently. Yet, the book almost didn’t make it into print.

“It took science far longer than it should have to recognize and zero in on the nurturing potential of men,” Dr. Hrdy reminds us. “It also took me longer than I expected to complete what, as the years dragged on, I began referring to as ‘this albatross of a book.’ Father Time was begun in 2014 as I eagerly contemplated and then luxuriated in the birth of my first grandchild.”

She goes on to say,

“I watched with awe as my son-in-law tended him right from birth. At the time my spirits were buoyed by social trends favoring women’s increased reproductive autonomy and professional opportunities along with broader definitions of what it means to be a man. The Introduction was drafted during that optimistic period, before I had to put the book on hold when my husband was diagnosed with cancer and faced surgery and bouts of radiation to cure it.

“By the time I returned to the book, backlashes aimed at re-imposing constraints on both sexes and all genders were gaining traction. It was hard for me to feel as hopeful as when I began. Yet recognizing men’s nurturing potentials and promoting their expression seems more urgent than ever.”

Old Beliefs About Men Have Harmed Us All

                Dr. Hrdy freely admits that she has held beliefs about men that are no longer valid. Good scientists are able to change their perspective when faced with new evidence, but not all scientists are able to admit they missed some critical information about men. We all have biases, but we don’t all recognize them.

“I have written whole books about maternal love and ambivalence,” says Dr. Hrdy, “with emphasis on the former. Few people could be more aware than I that we humans are mammals whose females invest heavily in their young, gestating, birthing, and then suckling them.”

                Yet, she like many scientists and the public, have known a lot about what is natural for women, but have missed important truths about what is natural for men.

“According to the standard Darwinian script,” says Dr. Hrdy, “while females were nurturing babies, males were otherwise occupied, mostly competing for status and mates, often violently or coercively.” [emphasis mine].

                She concludes,

“While a mother’s top priority is likely to be the well-being of her children, a male’s will be siring more of them. In line with such Darwinian preconceptions, across cultures and through historical time there are few, if any, records of men turning their lives over to babies the way women do. Instead, what we find is a near-universal expectation that baby care is women’s work.” [emphasis mine].

                I shared my own early experiences with my two children in the article I mentioned above. Being a hands on and heart connected father with my infant children changed my life forever. Dr. Hrdy’s book Father Time reads like a mystery novel revealing deeper and deeper layers of the truth of men’s inherent ability to nurture small children.

                She says,

“It is a story covering millions of years of vertebrate, mammalian, and particularly primate evolution, followed by thousands of years of human evolution and history, punctuated by numerous social transitions, cultural shifts and innovations.”

                What she finally discovers is simple and profound:

“My unexpected finding is that inside every man there lurk ancient caretaking tendencies that render a man every bit as protective and nurturing as the most committed mother. It is a journey that has forced me to rethink long held assumptions about man’s innately selfish, competitive, and violent nature, what Darwin described as his ‘natural and unfortunate birthright.” [emphasis mine].

Father Time and Father Earth: Healing Ourselves, Healing Our Relationship With The Planet

                Another wise grandmother who offers an inspiring novel understanding of men is Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés, a Mestiza Latina psychoanalyst and post-trauma specialist who was raised in now nearly vanished oral and ethnic traditions. She is best known for her book, Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of The Wild Woman Archetype was on the New York Times Best Seller list for 144 weeks.

                I still remember sitting with 200 men and women at the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco in 1993. My wife, Carlin, and I were attending a special workshop for women and men, appropriately titled “Ovarios y Cojones: Labyrinths of Memory and Danger Within Women and Men,” with Dr. Estés and mythologist and storyteller, Michael Meade.

                Towards the end of the day, Clarissa shared a few poems, including, “Father Earth.” As soon as she shared the title, the hairs on the back of my neck began to tingle. I knew I was going to hear something special. Here’s what she shared:

Father Earth!
There is a two-million-year-old men, no one knows.
They cut into his rivers.
They peeled side pieces of hide from his legs.
They left scorch marks on his buttocks.
He did not cry out.
No matter what they did to him. He did not cry out.
He held firm.
Now he raises his stabbed hands and whispers that we can heal him yet.
We begin the bandages, the rolls of gauze, the cut, the needle, the grafts.
Slowly, carefully, we turn his body face up.
And under him, his lifelong lover, the old woman is perfect and unmarked.
He has laid upon his two-million-year-old lover all this time
Protecting her with his old back, with his old, scarred back.
And the soil beneath her was fertile and black with her tears.

                Like many in the audience I was moved to tears. Even as I’ve recounted the experience over the years in men’s gatherings, people are touched. A number of men commented,

“Finally, a woman finally understands what being a male is really about.”

                And many men get a glimpse into the deeper truth about men, women, creation, and the future of humankind.

                Thank you Clarissa and Sarah for sharing the wisdom of the grandmothers for all of us, men, women, and children. I also wish to thank another elder in our community, Holly Near, and her song 1,000 Grandmothers. Our local, Emandal Chorale, came together with our children and grandchildren to sing the song in a recent 4^th of July parade. I’m still moved to tears seeing my friends, our children, and grandchildren, and being part of a new kind of Independence Day. You can share in the joy of our gathering here.

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The post Father Time: How Dads Are Being Called to Change the World for Good appeared first on MenAlive.

                My friend and colleague Margaret Wheatley says,

“Warriors appear at certain historic moments, when something valuable is being threatened and needs protection. It could be clans, communities, kings, lands—something is being imperiled by outside forces. This situation of extreme threat demands exceptional protectors. This is when the Warriors arise.”

                In my book, The Warrior’s Journey Home: Healing Men, Healing the Planet, I said that we must separate the life of the warrior from the destruction of war and quoted meditation master Chögyam Trungpa.

“Warriorship here does not refer to making war on others,” says Trungpa. “Aggression is the source of our problems not the solution. Here the word ‘warrior’ is taken from the Tibetan pawo which literally means ‘one who is brave.’  Warriorship in this context is the tradition of human bravery, or the tradition of fearlessness.” Trungpa concludes by saying, “Warriorship is not being afraid of who you are.”

                I experienced my first warrior calling on November 21, 1969. My wife was pregnant with our first child and I had spent the last nine hours coaching her through the Lamaze breathing techniques we had been taught in the child-birth classes with other expectant parents to be. When we began the classes, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be part of the birth process, even if I was allowed, afraid I might pass out at the sight of blood or become overly concerned with my wife’s pain and be more of a hindrance than a help.

                When the time had arrived for her to go to the delivery room, the nurse said,

“Well, your job is done here Mr. Diamond. You can go to the waiting room now.”

                I felt a mixture of sadness and relief. We had been given the rules of Kaiser hospital at the outset. Whichever doctor was there when the baby was ready to be born would decide if the father would be allowed in the delivery room. So I kissed my wife goodbye and wished her well. She was wheeled through the doors toward the delivery room and I walked down the long hallway toward the exit sign leading to the waiting room to sit with the other expectant fathers.

                Yet, in the eternity of those few moments it took to make the short walk, something shifted in me. I felt a call from my unborn child that could not be denied telling me I don’t want a waiting-room father. Your place is here with us.

                I turned around and walked back into the delivery room and took my place at the head of the table. There was no question of asking permission, no chance I would leave if directed. I was simply there. I felt a wonderful sense of calm come over me and quite soon, amid tears of joy, my son, Jemal, arrived in the world. He was handed to me and as I looked into his eyes, I made a vow that I would be a different kind of father than my father was able to be for me and to do everything I could to create a world where fathers were fully involved with their children throughout their lives.

                When my wife and I were in college after we had met and fallen in love, we agreed we both wanted children. But we also felt that there were children already born who needed loving parents. We decided we would have a child then adopt a child. After Jemal was born, we began the adoption process for a little girl. Two years later we adopted a two-and-a-half-month old African-American little girl who we named Angela.

                As I write this our son Jemal, is 54 and has a child of his own. Angela is 52 and has four children. My wife, Carlin, and I now have six grown children, seventeen grandchildren, three great grandchildren, and one on the way. Before I had children, I thought my purpose as a man was centered outside the home, with the work I did in the world. I still do work outside the home, but over the years I have come to see my most important role has been as a hands-on caregiver.

Father Time: A Natural History of Men and Babies

                Dr. Sarah Hrdy is an anthropologist and primatologist and one of the world’s leading experts on the evolutionary basis of female behavior in both nonhuman and human primates. She has recently turned her attention to men.

“It has long seemed self-evident that women care for babies and men do other things,” says Hrdy. “When evolutionary science came along, it rubber-stamped this venerable division of labor: mammalian males evolved to compete for status and mates, while females were purpose-built to gestate, suckle, and otherwise nurture the victors’ offspring.”

                In her recent book, Father Time: A Natural History of Men and Babies, Hrdy set out to trace the deep history of male nurturing and explain a surprising departure from everything she had assumed to be “normal.” She offers a sweeping account of male nurturing, explaining how and why men are biologically transformed when they care for babies.

                “Under the right circumstances,” she says, “males of our species are as well-equipped as women to tenderly nurture babies and develop caring priorities. Gestation, giving birth, and breast-feeding are not nature’s sole pathways to parental involvement and intense devotion.”

                This was certainly my experience when Jemal and Angela were babies. Once I brought my wife and new-born son home from the hospital, I took three weeks off from work to help with the immediate caregiving. I assumed that mothers were born with some genetically driven knowledge of how to care for babies but soon learned that was not the case. She had breasts for the baby, but breastfeeding was an art she and the baby had to learn together.

                I knew that changing diapers was not a sex-specific skill and I soon learned to get as good at it as was my wife. After three weeks I went back to work and my wife soon moved into the role of full-time caregiver, with me as the support team. That lasted a year until my wife announced one day that she needed a break and was doing to take a three-week trip with a girlfriend and that I would assume full-time care duties while she was away.

                The idea sounded reasonable. I could tell she was exhausted even with the help I supplied when I came home from work. But the truth was I was scared as hell. All my fears came to the surface. What will I do when I don’t know what to do? What if he starts crying and I can’t make him stop? We didn’t have any other family who lived close to us and most of our friends were either single or were overwhelmed with their own family challenges.

                My wife was reassuring and said I could call her if I needed advice. She kissed me goodbye and off she went. I’m a long way from those fearful days, but the truth was it was one of the greatest gifts of my life. Jemal and I worked things out together. Each hour of each day we were together, I gained confidence. My wife had left enough breast milk (using one of those handpumps popular at the time) and I learned how to heat and serve. We played together and I carried him around on my back.

                My wife got worried when I hadn’t called and when she phoned me she was relieved to learn that we were going well. My confidence as a man has grown through the years as I learned new skills in caring for our daughter.

                Dr. Hrdy discovered some of the reasons that men can become as good at nurturing infants as women.

“Early in my career, back in the 1970s while still focused on infanticide, the antithesis of nurturing,” says Hrdy, “I learned about a phenomenon called ‘sensitization.’ Even in species of animals whose males ordinarily ignore, attack, or cannibalize pups they encounter, males might, given the right circumstances, switch to gently tending them instead. What it took was repeated exposure. Time in intimate proximity somehow ‘flipped a switch’ in the deepest recesses of the male brain, whether a rodent’s or a monkey’s.”

                Dr. Hrdy went on to say,

“Time in intimate proximity to babies could have surprising effects on males including surges in oxytocin (known as a ‘bonding’ hormone).”  

                I didn’t know it at the time, but being in intimate contact with my children triggered the brain chemicals that are present in both males and females and can be stimulated if given enough time together. Dr. Hrdy concludes,

“For men, it turns out, have a different birthright from the one that I and many of my evolutionary colleagues have so long assigned them.”

                In standing up to a system that would deny fathers in the delivery room, I learned that it takes strength with heart, as my colleague Dr. Daniel Ellenberg describes it or being a compassionate warrior as another friend, Sean Harvey discusses in his book, Warrior Compassion: Unleashing the Healing Power of Men. It’s time for more men to stand up and embrace our birthright. We are needed now more than ever.

                I look forward to hearing from you. What are you own experiences nurturing young children? What support have your received? What resistance have you found from others or from your own early conditioning about what is “natural” for men?

                If you would like to read more articles like these, please visit me at www.MenAlive.com. You can subscribe to my free weekly newsletter here: https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/.

The post The Evolution of Manhood and the Emergence of Compassionate Warriors appeared first on MenAlive.

                Since I turned eighty-one years old in December 2024, I have been reflecting on what I’ve learned about being a man. As a sensitive and introverted child raised by a single mom I had no idea what it meant to be a man. I was clear about what a man should do–Get educated so I could catch an attractive woman, marry her, have kids, and become rich and famous.

                By the time I was thirty-five, I had graduated from U.C. Berkeley with a master’s degree in social work, had met and married my college sweetheart, was the proud father of a son and daughter, was earning good money, and was imagining the next steps to fame and fortune. I was also stressed, depressed, angry, and on the verge of divorce. I felt confused, lost, and discouraged.

                When I was at my lowest point, having intermittent thoughts of ending my life, I chanced to see a poster on a bulletin board that offered a tiny glimpse of hope.

“Men, come and share a day with other men and hear psychologist Herb Goldberg, author of The Hazards of Being Male.”

                Fifteen guys met on April 21, 1979 and heard Dr. Goldberg tell us that,

“The male has paid a heavy price for his masculine ‘privilege’ and power. He is out of touch with his emotions and his body. He is playing by the rules of the male game plan and with lemming-like purpose is destroying himself—emotionally, psychologically, and physically.”

                For the first time in my life I felt I was hearing the truth about the path I was on. By the end of the day one of the organizers, a tall handsome, teddy-bear of a man named Tom Sipes, invited those interested in continuing the group to meet at his house the following Wednesday. Ten guys came and agreed to begin meeting weekly. The group soon was reduced to seven and those seven guys have continued to meet for the last forty-six years.

                There were three guys younger than me and three guys older. We came from different backgrounds and experiences, but the thing we all had in common was this: We longed to be men, not the boymen we were pretending to be. We wanted a different direction than the one we were following and we knew that having a band of brothers could help us find our way.

                We met weekly, talked deeply, took risks to be vulnerable and real with our feelings and having the courage to share them with each other. I was encouraged to write my first book, Inside Out: Becoming My Own Man, which was published in 1983 right up to my seventeenth, Long Live Men! The Moonshot Mission to Heal Men, Close the Lifespan Gap, and Offer Hope to Humanity.

                We attended men’s gatherings with Robert Bly and others and read books including King, Warrior, Magician, Love: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine, by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette in which they contrast archetypes of “Boy Psychology” from “Man Psychology.”

                In their book King, Warrior, Magician, Love: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine, they offer these examples of boy psychology: 

• The ducking and diving political leader.
• The wife beater.
• The company “yes man.”
• The “holier than thou” minister.
• The gang member.
• The father who can never find the time to attend his daughter’s school program.
• The therapist who unconsciously attacks a clients’ “shining” and seeks a kind of gray normalcy for them.

“All these men have something in common,” say Moore and Gillette. “They are all boys pretending to be men. They got that way honestly, because nobody showed them what a mature man is like. Their kind of ‘manhood’ is a pretense to manhood that goes largely undetected as such by most of us. We are continually mistaking this man’s controlling, threatening, and hostile behavior for strength. In reality, he is showing an underlying extreme vulnerability and weakness, the vulnerability of the wounded boy.”

                I have recently written a series of articles, In Search of Mature Masculinity in a World of Wounded BoyMen that describes the world of “boys pretending to be men” and the kind of mature masculinity we all need in our lives.

The Two Archetypes of  Wounded Boys Pretending to Be Men

                Reflecting on my experiences in my own life, what I see with the thousands of boys and men I have counseled over the years, and what is reflected in our current government in the U.S., I see two dominant archetypes that underlie the behavior of Wounded Boys Pretending to Be Men:

                First is what Moore and Gillette describe as The Highchair Tyrant.

“The Highchair Tyrant,” say Moore and Gillette, “is epitomized by the image of Little Lord Fauntleroy sitting in his highchair, banging on the tray, and screaming for his mother to feed him, kiss him, and attend to him.”

                As an only child being raised by a single mom, I developed a lot of these tendencies in my own childhood. They also extended into my adult life in  my relationships with women and contributed to my two failed marriages. I was fortunate to get support to heal and grow up and have now been joyfully married to my wife, Carlin, for forty-five years.

“The Highchair Tyrant,” says Moore and Gillette, “hurts himself with his grandiosity—the limitlessness of his demands—because he rejects the very things that he needs for life: food and love.”

                Moore and Gillette summarize the following characteristics of The Highchair Tyrant:

• Arrogance (what the Greeks called hubris, or overwhelming pride).

• Childishness (in the negative sense).

• Irresponsibility, even to himself as a mortal being who has to meet his biological and psychological needs.

• The Highchair tyrant needs to learn that he is not the center of the universe and that the universe does not exist to fulfill his every need, or better put, his limitless needs, his pretentions to godhood.

                I suspect we can all recognize many of these characteristics in boys and men we know–from the centers of power in government to business leaders and males in our own families and communities.

                The second archetype of boy psychology described by Moore and Gillette is The Weakling Prince.

“The boy (and later the man) who is possessed by the Weakling Prince needs to be coddled, who dictates to those around him by his silent or his whining and complaining helplessness.”

                As adults, those possessed by the Weakling Prince archetype often become “Mr. Nice Guys.” Dr. Robert Glover, author of the book No More Mr. Nice Guy says,

“A Nice Guy is a man who believes he is not okay, just as he is. Due to both societal and familial conditioning, the Nice Guy is convinced he must become what he thinks others want him to be in order to be liked, loved, and get his needs met. He also believes that he must hide anything about himself that might trigger a negative response in others.”

He goes on to say, “This inauthentic and chameleon-like approach to life causes Nice Guys to feel frustrated, confused, and resentful. Subsequently, these men are often anything but nice. In fact, Nice Guys are generally dishonest, secretive, manipulative, controlling, self-centered, and passive-aggressive.”

                The historian, Ruth Ben-Ghiat, describes political leaders driven by boy psychology in her book, Strongmen: Mussolini to the Present.

“For ours is the age of authoritarian rulers: self-proclaimed saviors of the nation who evade accountability while robing their people of truth, treasure, and the protections of democracy. They use masculinity as a symbol of strength and a political weapon. Taking what you want, and getting away with it, becomes proof of male authority. They use propaganda, corruption, and violence to stay in power.”

The Compassionate Warrior: The Power of Mature Man Psychology

                I first heard the words  “compassionate” and “warrior” combined from Sean Harvey, author of the book Warrior Compassion: Unleashing the Healing Power of Men.

“When we combine the concepts of warrior and compassion, an energetic shift happens,”

says Harvey. He goes on to say,

“Compassion is most easily defined as the feeling or emotion when a person is moved by suffering or distress of another, and by the desire to relieve the suffering. Taking a step further, to be compassionate to others, we must begin by learning to become compassionate to ourselves.”

                Harvey describes the strength of the warrior spirit this way:

“The warrior archetype represents strength, courage, and the relentless pursuit of justice and honor. It embodies discipline, resilience, and unwavering determination to protect and defend what is most valued.”

                I shared a similar perspective in my book, The Warrior’s Journey Home: Healing Men, Healing the Planet, that was published in 1994. I drew on my experiences practicing Aikido and from books including Aikido and the New Warrior by one of my Aikido instructors, Richard Strozzi-Heckler.

                Chögyam Trungpa was a Tibetan Buddhist master and scholar. I quote his understanding of compassionate warriorship in my book, The Warrior’s Journey Home.

“Warriorship here,” said Trungpa, “does not refer to making war on others. Aggression is the source of our problems, not the solution.” He goes on to say, “Here the word ‘warrior’ is taken from the Tibetan pawo which literally means ‘one who is brave.’ Warriorship in this context is the tradition of human bravery, or the tradition of fearlessness. Warriorship is not being afraid of who you are.”

                For me, this captures the essence of The Compassionate Warrior and learning to become that kind of man is what we need to find in ourselves, in those we choose to lead us, and in a world dominated by angry, wounded boys, pretending to be men. If given a choice boys and men will choose this more powerful, caring, and compassionate way of being.

                Our organization, Moonshot for Mankind, brings together organizations that are dedicated to teaching, training, and guiding boys and men to achieve the qualities of mature masculinity, including how to become compassionate warriors.

                If you would like to learn more about my own work, please visit me at MenAlive.com. 

The post The Three Masculinity Types Competing for the Minds of Boys and Men Today appeared first on MenAlive.

In my seventeenth book, 12 Rules For Good Men, I detailed twelve specific things I felt were important for men in order to become their healthiest, most mature, selves:

• Join a Men’s Group.
• Break free from the Man Box.
• Accept the Gift of Maleness.
• Embrace Your Billion Year History of Maleness.
• Recognize Your Anger and Fear Toward Women.
• Learn the Secrets of Real Lasting Love.
• Undergo Meaningful Rites of Passage from Youth to Adulthood and from Adulthood to Elderhood or Super-adulthood.
• Celebrate Your True Warrior Spirit and Learn Why Males Duel and Females Duet.
• Understand and Heal Your Adverse Childhood Experiences and Male Attachment Disorders.
• Heal Your Father Wound and Become the Father You Were Meant to Be.
• Treat the Irritable Male Syndrome and Male-Type Depression.
• Find Your Mission in Life and Do Your Part to Save Humanity.

After working in the field of Gender-Specific Healing and Men’s Health for more than fifty years, these twelve “rules” were my response to the many questions I was hearing from thousands of men who were asking,

• What are the most important things I need to do to save my marriage?
• What work is most meaningful and how can I make a living doing what I feel called to do?
• What does it really mean heal my own wounds and be a good man in today’s world?
• How do I help my children, grandchildren and future generations to survive and thrive in a world turned upside down?

Meet Andrew Cohn: A Man a Mission With an Invitation for You

Today I would like to introduce you to a kindred spirit, Andrew Cohn. Andrew is a trusted leadership counselor, coach, facilitator, consultant, and speaker. He began his career as an attorney in Los Angeles before changing his focus to leadership and organization development in 1997. I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Andrew, discussing his background, and his current work with men. You can watch the full interview here.

Andrew is offering a unique opportunity for men April 25-27, 2025 that I highly recommend.

“In this powerful and nurturing retreat for men in beautiful Santa Fe, we will take a deep dive into the challenges and delights of being a man in 2025 and beyond,” says Andrew, “what we fear and what makes us uncomfortable, and how to be more purposeful and authentic. We’ll build a community of men committed to making the world a better place by identifying and demonstrating the sacred masculine. We will feel, think, and grow together, drawing upon the beauty of Northern New Mexico, including learning with/from our equine partners.”

If you read my recent article, “Why Humanity’s Future May Depend on Our Connection to Our 56-Million-Year-Old Elders,” you know about the work of Kelly Wendorf and her work at Equus. Kelly and Andrew are partners and the men’s retreat will take place at the Buffalo Spirit Ranch, EQUUS’s exquisite 11-acre Experiential Discovery and Learning Campus.

Andrew says,

“If you or a man you know may be interested in attending, please contact me ASAP to discuss. The group will be limited to 15 men and is expected to fill up quickly. For more information, email me: andrew@lighthouseteams.com.”

These are challenging times for everyone and men are no exception. In a recent article, “In Search of Mature Masculinity in a World of Wounded BoyMen,” I described three current views of masculinity and manhood that we see represented in our government, boardrooms, and bedrooms.

1. The Highchair Tyrant

As described by Jungian psychoanalyst and psychologist Robert Moore and mythologist and counselor Douglas Gillette, in their book, King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine,

“The Highchair Tyrant is an archetype of ‘Boy Psychology.’ He is epitomized by the image of Little Lord Fauntleroy sitting in his highchair, banging on the tray, and screaming for his mother to feed him, kiss him, and attend to him.”

They go on to say,

“The Highchair Tyrant needs to learn that he is not the center of the universe and that the universe does not exist to fulfill his every need, or better put, his limitless needs, his pretentions to godhood.”

Do you recognize this character in anyone you know or any males you hear about?

2. The Weakling Prince.

The second archetype of boy psychology described by Moore and Gillette is The Weakling Prince.

“The boy (and later the man) who is possessed by the Weakling Prince, needs to be coddled, who dictates to those around him by his silent or his whining and complaining helplessness,” say Moore and Gillette.

As adults, those possessed by the Weakling Prince archetype often become “Mr. Nice Guys.” Dr. Robert Glover, author of the book No More Mr. Nice Guy says,

“A Nice Guy is a man who believes he is not okay, just as he is. Due to both societal and familial conditioning, the Nice Guy is convinced he must become what he thinks others want him to be in order to be liked, loved, and get his needs met. He also believes that he must hide anything about himself that might trigger a negative response in others.”

Glover goes on to say,

“This inauthentic and chameleon-like approach to life causes Nice Guys to feel frustrated, confused, and resentful. Subsequently, these men are often anything but nice. In fact, Nice Guys are generally, dishonest, secretive, manipulative, controlling, self-centered, and passive-aggressive.”

Do you recognize this character in anyone you know or any males you hear about?

Neither of these kinds of boys masquerading as men are likely to be helpful in our personal, professional or community lives. We need men who are strong and caring, who have been well mentored and undergone healthy Rites of Passage.

The historian, Ruth Ben-Giat, describes political leaders driven by boy psychology in her book, Strongmen: Mussolini to the Present.

“For ours is the age of authoritarian rulers: self-proclaimed saviors of the nation who evade accountability while robing their people of truth, treasure, and the protections of democracy. They use masculinity as a symbol of strength and a political weapon. Taking what you want, and getting away with it, becomes proof of male authority. They use propaganda, corruption, and violence to stay in power.”

3. The Mature Whole Man.

I turned 81 years old in December 2024. I described my own journey in search of mature masculinity in the seventeen books I have written including one called The Whole Man Program: Reinvigorating Your Body, Mind, and Spirit After 40.

I began the book with a quote from the philosopher Paul Tillich who I met when I was in college at U.C. Santa Barbara between 1964. He said,

“Every serious thinker must ask and answer these three fundamental questions:

• What is wrong with us? With men? Women? Society? What is the nature of our alienation? Our dis-ease?
• What would we be like if we were whole? Healed? Actualized? If our potentiality was fulfilled?
• How do we move from our condition of brokenness to wholeness? What are the means of healing?”

In the book, I described the program that I found helpful in my own life and that I recommend to my family, friends, and clients. I believe what the world needs now, more than ever, is Mature Whole Men and Mature Whole Women.

Moore and Gillette describe four archetypes of mature masculinity—The King, The Warrior, The Magician, and The Lover. The mature man embodies all four of these primal energies.

“The King energy is primal in all men,” say Moore and Gillette. “Two functions of King energy make the transition from Boy psychology to Man psychology possible. The first of these is ordering; the second is providing fertility and blessing.”

They go on to say, “The King is the central archetype. The good King is at the Center of the World. He sits on his throne on the central mountain, or on the Primeval Hill, as the ancient Egyptians called it.”

(Remember—Don’t confuse the archetype of the King with the worldly kings who have often been High Chair tyrants, rather than mature male leaders. Also, remember that there are female counterparts to these archetype.)

Moore and Gillette offer the example of the Sioux medicine man Black Elk who John Neihardt describes in his book, Black Elk Speaks. Black Elk speaks of the world as a great “hoop” divided by two paths, a “red path” and a “black path,” which intersect. Where they intersect is the central mountain of the world. It is on that mountain that the great Father God—the King energy—speaks and gives Black Elk a series of revelations for his people.

The mature male leader tunes in and receive the guidance from the “great Father God” and gives his people rules and laws to follow for the good of the people and the communities of life that all humans depend upon.

“The King energy brings abundance and blessings to his people,” say Moore and Gillette. “In conjunction with his ordering function, the second vital good that the King energy manifests is fertility and blessing.”

The mature male leader sees the good in all creation and supports the creation of new life both for humans, as well as the animal and plant kingdoms and recognizes that all life is connected.

The mature male leader accomplishes this by being an exemplar in his own life of what he gives to others. Like all humans, he makes mistakes, but he can acknowledge them when they occur and does not blame others.  He is not a God separate from his people, but a human being drawing on the gifts of the Gods and the archetypal legacies from millions of years of human history.

Do you recognize this character of the Mature Whole Man in anyone you know or any males you hear about?

Our organization, The Moonshot For Mankind and Humanity, brings together organizations that are dedicated to teaching, training, and guiding boys and men to achieve the qualities of mature masculinity.

If you would like to get more information about Andrew Cohn and his work you can reach him here: https://www.lighthouseteams.com/

If you would like to learn more about my own work, please visit me at MenAlive.com.  

The post Why Joining a Men’s Group Now May Be the Most Important Decision of Your Life, Part 2: Expanding the Vision: Genuine Masculinity Retreat appeared first on MenAlive.

                I have been in a men’s group that has been meeting for 46 years. I was thirty-five years old when it began and I’m eighty-one now. I want to start a new group and am looking for ten mid-life men who would like to be in the group with me.

                Midlife is a time for change and transformation. Success is enhanced by surrounding oneself with other men who are learning, evolving, and supporting each other on this journey with an experienced guide to light the way. We will focus on the following four pillars:

• Becoming your authentic self and being the best you that you can be.
• Deepening your love for your intimate partner, children, family, and friends.
• Embracing your calling and bringing your unique work to the world.
• Being a champion for good in a world where so much bad is happening.

Why I’m Looking for a Few Good Men to Join Me Now

                When I turned 80 in December 2024, I began thinking of starting a new men’s group. I had just interviewed my friend and colleague Chip Conley, CEO, and founder of Modern Elder Academy about his new book, Learning to Love Midlife. Chip offered a new and expanded understanding of midlife change and described three midlife age stages: (1) 35 to 50, (2) 50 to 60, (3) 60 to 75.

                I had the unique privilege of joining a men’s group in 1979 when I was 35 years old. It forever changed my personal and professional life. The group is coming to an end after forty-six years. Four of our members have died and we have come to a natural ending point. I feel called now to mentor and learn with others. I am looking for a few good men to join me in an adventure of a lifetime.

                The Czech stateman and dissident, Václav Havel, spoke to our times when he said,

“Today, many things indicate that we are going through a transitional period when it seems that something is on the way out and something else is painfully being born. It is as if something were crumbling, decaying, and exhausting itself, while something else, still indistinct, were arising from the rubble.”

                This is our time to do our part to help create a better world for everyone. The world needs you. Your family needs you. You need you! And we need each other.

Who Should Consider Applying to Join the Group?

• You are a midlife man who has been in a men’s group or has considered being in one.
• You recognize the value of being with caring and supportive men to share your journey.
• You are successful in life and a natural leader but are ready to do more and be more.
• You hunger for a wise community of colleagues in your corner who support your growth, hold you accountable, and celebrate your victories. 
• You may be a counselor, coach, or healer, but whatever your profession you want to help people thrive and succeed in life.
• You are ready to be mentored by an experienced elder and want to share what you have learned with other men.

I Invite You to Join the Diamond Men’s Circle: Here Are Answers to Some Important Questions

                What is The Diamond Men’s Circle?

                The Diamond Men’s Circle is an online group coaching program for personal and professional development. The group meets specifically for the purpose of supporting conscious and intentional self-discovery, growth, and transformative change. The Men’s Circle is a cost-effective way to engage in powerful coaching without the private 1:1 coaching price tag. The spirit of the meeting is to cultivate a strong and trustworthy fellowship of support by allowing the ancient wisdom of men the men’s circle to guide our journey together.

                How many members are in the circle?

                The circle will be limited to ten men, plus Jed as your mentor, coach, and facilitator.

                How frequently do we meet and for how long?

                The Men’s Circle meets twice a month for 90 minutes each session. The minimum commitment is three months, or you may choose a 12-month membership. The Men’s Circle runs perpetually so enrollments may roll into another three- or 12-month membership. Some members continue indefinitely and consider The Men’s group an important part of remaining healthy, grounded, and successful through the years.

                When will the group begin?

                Those interested can apply now. The group will begin in June (Men’s Health month).

                How are the groups facilitated?

                Through a custom-created curriculum, structure, and Jed’s facilitation, members explore topics and practices together, as well as deeply engage in their own learning edges just outside their comfort zones. While Jed designs and facilitates the exercises, practical applications and practices, some of the content is also driven by the members themselves – on the topics they wish to explore.

                Homework and assignments take place in between calls to keep the learning momentum and engagement going, as well as practical actions steps to implement in your life. Networking with other members of the group is encouraged during and between sessions.

                Are other experts involved?

                I have numerous colleagues who share their own expertise in recorded discussions with Jed and may also be available to answer participants questions live. Here are some of  those involved:

• Dr. Gary Barker, International voice for healthy manhood, gender equality and violence prevention. CEO of Equimundo.  
• Chip Conley, Co-founder and CEO of the Modern Elder Academy and author of Learning to Love Midlife.                                
• Michael Gurian, Journalist and bestselling author of 32 books including The Wonder of Boys and Boys: A Rescue Plan (with Shaun Kullman).
• Kelly Wendorf, Founder/CEO of Equus, author of Flying Lead Change: 56 Million Years of Wisdom for Leading and Living.
• Richard V. Reeves, Founding President of the American Institute for Boys and Men, author of Of Boys and Men.
• Mo Gawdat, Former Chief Business Officer at Google X, bestselling author of Solve For Happy.
• Marianne J. Legato, M.D., Founder Foundation for Gender-Specific Medicine, author of Why Men Die First: How to Lengthen Your Lifespan        
• Drs. Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt, Relationship experts, authors of Getting The Love You Want.
• Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor, Harvard-trained neuroscientist, author of My Stroke of Insight and Whole Brain Living.                  
• Dr. Warren Farrell, Author of The Boy Crisis and Role Mate to Soul Mate. 

                What is the investment?

• Three-month program $900  ($300/month).
• Twelve-month program $3000 (Save $600).
• There is potential for the group to continue beyond a year if the members are interested.

                Is individual counseling available if desired?

                Private, individual sessions with Jed are at the regular rate of $450 per hour. Members of the Men’s Circle who desire individual counseling will have priority when an opening is available.

                Who are Men’s Circles for?

                Men’s Circle is perfect for you if:

• You are ready to jumpstart your personal and professional growth.

• You seek a community of like-minded individuals who share your goals and values for transformative change.

• You know you need to improve your love life.

• You are considering shifting or upgrading your work life and want to work smarter with less stress, more purpose, increased income, and greater satisfaction.

• You want deeper and more satisfying friendships with men.

• Your life is changing and you need to get clarity about your priorities and how to remain true to yourself.

• You know humanity is in trouble and you want to ensure a better future for your children, grandchildren, and future generations.

                Who is Dr. Jed Diamond?

                You may know me from one of the seventeen books I have written since me first book, Inside Out: Becoming My Own Man, was published in 1983 or from one of my international bestsellers, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places, Male Menopause, or The Irritable Male Syndrome. You may not know that I am one of the world’s leading experts on Gender-Specific Healing and Men’s Health, have run a successful million-dollar-one-person business for many years, and have been married to my third wife, Carlin, for 45 years. We have six grown children, seventeen grandchildren, and four great grandchildren.

                 What’s next? I think this might be what I’ve been looking for.

                If you feel moved to act, I would like to meet you. Drop me a note to Jed@MenAlive.com and put “Men’s Circle” in the subject line. I will get right back to you so we can meet, discuss your needs, answer your questions, and see if this is right fit for you. There are only ten spots available. So, if you are interested, I suggest you contact me right away.

                I will share more about the group and the importance of men’s work in future articles. If you haven’t already, feel free to subscribe to my free weekly newsletter here: https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/

The post Why Joining a Men’s Group Now May Be the Most Important Decision of Your Life: Part 1: An Invitation to Midlife Men appeared first on MenAlive.

Long Live Men: Emerging Communities Supporting Mature Masculinity

In Part 1, I discussed the origin of my own search for masculinity growing up with an absent father. I also introduced you to Michael Gurian and Sean Kullman and their book, Boys, A Rescue Plan: Moving Beyond the Politics of Masculinity to Health Male Development. In Part 2, I expanded the discussion to draw on the work of other colleagues who are recognizing that healthy masculinity, like healthy femininity, are opposite sides of the same coin and must be supported together for the good of all. In Part 3, I described the work of Jungian psychologist Robert Moore and mythologist Douglas Gillette and their exploration of the four archetypes of mature masculinity they wrote about in their book, King, Warrior, Magician, and Lover: Rediscovering The Archetypes of the Mature Masculine.

In this final part of the series I want to talk about three archetypes of masculinity currently being expressed in the world today and why only one of them offers real hope for the future of men, women, children, humanity, and the community of life on planet Earth.

Since I turned 81 years old in December 2024, I have been reflecting on what I’ve learned in my life as a man. I try to describe my own evolution from a life based on what Moore and Gillette call “boy psychology” to one based on a healthy, balanced, mature male psychology. We see examples of boy psychology all around us. Here are a few examples from Moore and Gillette’s book:

• The ducking and diving political leader.
• The wife beater.
• The company “yes man.”
• The “holier than thou” minister.
• The gang member.
• The father who can never find the time to attend his daughter’s school program.
• The therapist who unconsciously attacks a clients’ “shining” and seeks a kind of gray normalcy for them.

“All these men have something in common,” say Moore and Gillette. “They are all boys pretending to be men. They got that way honestly, because nobody showed them what a mature man is like. Their kind of ‘manhood’ is a pretense to manhood that goes largely undetected as such by most of us. We are continually mistaking this man’s controlling, threatening, and hostile behavior for strength. In reality, he is showing an underlying extreme vulnerability and weakness, the vulnerability of the wounded boy.”

The Two Archetypes of Wounded Boys Pretending to Be Men

                Reflecting on my experiences in my own life, what I see with the thousands of boys and men I have counseled over the years, and what is reflected in our current government in the U.S., I see two dominant archetypes that underlie the behavior of Wounded Boys Pretending to Me Men:

First is what Moore and Gillette describe as The Highchair Tyrant.

“The Highchair Tyrant,” say Moore and Gillette, “is epitomized by the image of Little Lord Fauntleroy sitting in his highchair, banging on the tray, and screaming for his mother to feed him, kiss him, and attend to him.”

As an only child being raised by a single mom, I developed a lot of these tendencies in my own childhood. They also extended into my adult life in my relationships with women and contributed to my two failed marriages. I was fortunate to get support to heal and grow up and have now been joyfully married to my wife, Carlin, for forty-five years.

“The Highchair Tyrant,” says Moore and Gillette, “hurts himself with his grandiosity—the limitlessness of his demands—because he rejects the very things that he needs for life: food and love.”

Moore and Gillette summarize the following characteristics of The Highchair Tyrant:

• Arrogance (what the Greeks called hubris, or overwhelming pride).

• Childishness (in the negative sense).

• Irresponsibility, even to himself as a mortal being who has to meet his biological and psychological needs.

• The Highchair Tyrant needs to learn that he is not the center of the universe and that the universe does not exist to fulfill his every need, or better put, his limitless needs, his pretentions to godhood.

I suspect we can all recognize many of these characteristics in boys and men we know–from the centers of power in government to business leaders and males in our own families and communities.

The second archetype of boy psychology described by Moore and Gillette is The Weakling Prince.

“The boy (and later the man) who is possessed by the Weakling Prince, needs to be coddled, who dictates to those around him by his silent or his whining and complaining helplessness.”

As adults, those possessed by the Weakling Prince archetype often become “Mr. Nice Guys.” Dr. Robert Glover, author of the book No More Mr. Nice Guy says,

“A Nice Guy is a man who believes he is not okay, just as he is. Due to both societal and familial conditioning, the Nice Guy is convinced he must become what he thinks others want him to be in order to be liked, loved, and get his needs met. He also believes that he must hide anything about himself that might trigger a negative response in others.”

He goes on to say, “This inauthentic and chameleon-like approach to life causes Nice Guys to feel frustrated, confused, and resentful. Subsequently, these men are often anything but nice. In fact, Nice Guys are generally, dishonest, secretive, manipulative, controlling, self-centered, and passive-aggressive.”

The historian, Ruth Ben-Giat, describes political leaders driven by boy psychology in her book, Strongmen: Mussolini to the Present.

“For ours is the age of authoritarian rulers: self-proclaimed saviors of the nation who evade accountability while robing their people of truth, treasure, and the protections of democracy. They use masculinity as a symbol of strength and a political weapon. Taking what you want, and getting away with it, becomes proof of male authority. They use propaganda, corruption, and violence to stay in power.”

The Rise of Communities of Mature Masculinity

                In my book, 12 Rules for Good Men, I describe my own journey leading to mature masculinity, MenAlive, the organization I founded, and other organizations I collaborate with. I describe our work in an article, “MenAlive Now: Taking Action in Support of Our Children.”

                In introducing the archetypes of mature masculinity Moore and Gillette say,

“Those of us who have been influenced by the thinking of the great Swiss psychologist Carl Jung have great reason to hope that the external deficiencies we have encountered in the world as would-be men (the absent father, the immature father, the lack of meaningful ritual process, the scarcity of ritual elders) can be corrected.”

                They go on to say, “It is our experience that deep within every man are blueprints, what we can also call ‘hard wiring’ for the calm and positive mature masculine. Jungians refer to these masculine potentials as archetypes or ‘primordial images.’ Jung and his successors have found that on the level of the deep unconscious the psyche of every person is grounded in what Jung called the ‘collective unconscious,’ made up of instinctual patterns and energy configurations probably inherited genetically throughout the generations of our species.”

Moore and Gillette describe four archetypes of mature masculinity—The King, The Warrior, The Magician, and The Lover. The mature man embodies all four of these primal energies.

“The King energy is primal in all men,” say Moore and Gillette. “Two functions of King energy make the transition from Boy psychology to Man psychology possible. The first of these is ordering; the second is providing fertility and blessing.”

The King Energy Brings Order to His People

                “The King is the central archetype,” say Moore and Gillette. “The good King is at the Center of the World. He sits on his throne on the central mountain, or on the Primeval Hill, as the ancient Egyptians called it.”

(Remember—Don’t confuse the archetype of the King with the worldly kings who have been High Chair tyrants, rather than mature male leaders. Also, remember that there are female counterparts to these archetypes).

                Moore and Gillette offers the example of the Sioux medicine man Black Elk who John Neihardt describes in his book, Black Elk Speaks. Black Elk speaks of the world as a great “hoop” divided by two paths, a “red path” and a “black path,” which intersect. Where they intersect is the central mountain of the world. It is on that mountain that the great Father God—the King energy—speaks and gives Black Elk a series of revelations for his people.

                The mature male leader tunes in and receive the guidance from the “great Father God” and gives his people rules and laws to follow for the good of the people and the communities of life that all humans depend upon.

The King Energy Brings Abundance and Blessings to His People

                “In conjunction with his ordering function, the second vital good that the King energy manifests is fertility and blessing.”

The mature male leader sees the good in all creation and supports the creation of new life both for humans, as well as the animal and plant kingdoms and recognizes that all life is connected.

                The mature male leader accomplishes this by being an exemplar in his own life of what he gives to others. Like all humans, he makes mistakes, but he is able to acknowledge them when they occur and does not blame others.  He is not a God separate from his people, but a human being drawing on the gifts of the Gods and the archetypal legacies from millions of years of human history.

Do Not Lose Hope. We Were Made for These Times

                These are challenging times. We are living in a country where Boy Psychology seems to be running rampant and the human species is living in ways that are not sustainable. There are times I feel like giving up and just want to give in and let go. But, I have had the good fortune of connecting with more and more men who aspire to lives of mature masculinity and see mature masculinity as not only possible but is the hope for our collective future.

                As Czech statesman, Václav Havel, observed,

“Today, many things indicate that we are going through a transitional period when it seems that something is on the way out and something else is painfully being born. It is as if something were crumbling, decaying, and exhausting itself, while something else, still indistinct, were arising from the rubble.”

                I wrote about this in a recent article, “Free At Last: Overcoming Our Addiction to the Sinking Ship of Civilization.”

                As my friend and colleague Clarissa Pinkola Estes says,

“Do not lose heart. We were made for these times… For years we have been learning, practicing, been in training for… and just waiting to meet on this exact plain of engagement.”

                If you would like to learn more drop me a note to: Jed@MenAlive.com and put “Mature Masculinity” in the subject line.

The post In Search of Mature Masculinity in a World of Wounded BoyMen: Part 4 appeared first on MenAlive.

                I first became acquainted with Dr. Pamela Wible when I read her book Physician Suicide Letters Answeredin which she exposed the pervasive and largely hidden medical culture that has claimed the lives of too many doctors and medical students. It felt very familiar and personal for  me because I was once a medical student. I still remember the excitement I felt when I was accepted into three medical schools. I chose U.C. San Francisco where I was awarded a four-year, full-tuition fellowship. But I soon began to feel the demands, pressures, anxieties, and doubts that assail medical students and doctors alike. Here are some of the specifics that Dr. Wible reported in her book:

• Today a physician told me she lost 3 colleagues to suicide in the last 2 months. 

• Loma Linda Hospital just lost 3 young doctors to suicide in 6 months. 

• Mount Sinai had 3 docs jump in less than 2 years—from the same building.

• An anesthesiologist recently told me he lost 8 of his colleagues to suicide.

I had the good fortune of interviewing Dr. Wible recently delving more deeply into her experiences with doctors, medical students and other healthcare providers and learning about the Ideal Health Clinics she has helped create and support. You can watch our interview and discussion here.

Dr. Wible goes on to say,

“Each suicide should be fully investigated, yet few receive root cause analysis of the specific circumstances leading to their deaths.”

In a TEDMED talk Dr. Wible gave in 2016 she shared the moment she realized how big a problem physician suicide is.

“I was sitting at the memorial service for the third physician that we lost in our small town in just over a year,” said Dr. Wible. “And I sat there in the second row of his memorial service, and I just started counting the suspicious deaths of doctors and I realized I had quite a number of them, including both men that I dated in medical school.”

Her comments took me back to my own medical school experience at U.C. San Francisco Medical Center. Prior to the beginning of classes the six students who, like me, had received fellowships to attend medical school were wined and dined across the bay in Marin County at home of one of our professors. The message was clear:

“You are the elite and have been accepted into an exclusive club. Follow our lead, accept the demands of membership, and you do will have the riches that accrue to those who follow the rules and work like crazy.”

Once classes began I soon began to see the dark side of being a member of this kind of club. I felt the pressures, demands, cruelty, and bullying, that are baked into the medical school experience and later, if you survive, into the kind of medicine we were being trained to administer.

I was one of the lucky ones who left medical school before things got worse. I transferred to U.C. Berkeley’s School of Social Welfare, earned a master’s degree, and later went back to school and earned a PhD in International Health. I was fortunate to create a healthcare practice that avoids many of the pitfalls that cause so much harm to both healthcare practitioners and patients.

In talking to Dr. Wible I learned that she has been helping physicians leave what she has coined “assembly-line medicine” since 2004. Her model is now taught in medical schools and is featured in the Harvard School of Public Health’s newest edition of Renegotiating Health Care: Resolving Conflict to Build Collaboration.

In a recent interview with Rectangle Health, Dr. Wible was asked about the pressures so many doctors feel these days that can cause them to feel stressed, depressed, and overwhelmed.

“Well, medical careers have always been challenging with immense pressure coming from all angles,” said Dr. Wible. “Physicians witness ongoing trauma and death without getting mental health support. Over the last 10-20 years we have been forced to treat more and more patients due to high-overhead practices. In a giant practice with 90% overhead, physicians have to see 30 patients a day just to pay the bills. It’s production-line medicine that takes all the joy out of the profession.”

Dr. Wible went on to say that the problems physicians face can be traced back to the training and experiences they have as medical students.

“Patients are very confused about why they aren’t getting good healthcare. To understand why, you need to go all the way back to day one of medical school to find that your doctor was bullied, overworked, and sleep-deprived. Medical students who are abused become physicians who are abused, and who may even abuse their own patients. This is the cycle of healthcare abuse.”

I still shutter when I remember my own medical school experience and how much it parallels what Dr. Wible has seen in the years she has been hearing the stories from doctors and medical students.

“If you treat a student like a robot that’s supposed to memorize all sorts of minutiae,” says Dr. Wible, “you’re going to have a doctor who can repeat all these interesting factoids, but who can’t connect with you.”

Although I avoided the detrimental effects of medical school, I have witnessed the impact on the doctors I have seen for my own healthcare. I just never realized how widespread the effects were. As Dr. Wible points out,

“Physicians are taught to over give, and be workaholics to their own detriment. Our current economic model is certainly willing to take advantage of people who will work excessive hours–let’s keep the factory workers moving as many days as possible so that we can make a lot of money. Let’s face it, the primary revenue generators in health care are basically doctors. There are many layers of people embedded on top that want them to keep working at faster and faster speeds so that they can make more money off of them.”

She calls for a different way to treat our healthcare professionals.

“We are humans, not machines here to do some kind of assembly-line work,” says Dr. Wible. “We are spiritual beings having a finite human experience and that’s how we need to start relating to each other. We are telling the doctor to be like a machine, and if you’re broken, leave the hospital; you can’t be a doctor anymore.”

Launch Your Ideal Clinic and Learn About a New Medical School

                When I spoke with Dr. Wible I asked her about what she had been doing over the years to help doctors develop their ideal clinic. It began with her own willingness to ask patients what kind of healthcare they wanted and needed. She listened to what her patients were saying and found a way to create, and fund, her own ideal clinic, which she later taught to others. She offers a course that addresses some of the most important things she has learned and is teaching to others:

• Patient Success Secrets. Claim your vision, define your ideal client and learn the top 10 tips & tricks to attract a ton of loyal patients for life to your ideal clinic, coaching, or consulting practice.

• The Joy Of Doctoring. Overcome fatigue with enthusiasm by turning work into play—and GET PAID more to do what you LOVE for your ideal clients.

• Mentorship & Networking. Pair up with a mastermind partner & discover the benefits of asking for help. (Hint: mentoring is the best CME!)

• Creative (& Cost-Saving) Business Strategies. Ultra-low overhead secrets revealed. Discover unique office locations, innovative staffing solutions, even make a Do-It-Yourself EMR. Save 86% on malpractice insurance (& get your office liability policy for FREE).
• Boost Your Self-Confidence Now! Break free from fear-driven medicine. Recover from perfectionism. Reclaim your power. Learn 7 simple strategies to lead with confidence & courage.

• Build Your Community. Engage your town to help you design, create & fund your clinic. It’s easier than you think! 

• Financial Freedom For Physicians. Discover the top 12 medical business models and find the right one(s) for you.

• Media & Marketing. Never waste money on advertising. Be media savvy and publicize your unique message for free. Learn 3 tips for online marketing mastery that work well for any health professional seeking ideal clients.

I am on Dr. Wible’s mailing list and was pleased to receive the following announcement:

“I’ve just launched a med school. After helping 1,000+ docs launch ideal practices, people have been begging me to start a school for years. Traditional med schools provide technical skills, not emotional, spiritual, or business mastery. In fact, suicide rates increase during med school.”

She went on to say,

“We’re a happily unaccredited virtual school free to teach in the most honest, uncensored, and transformative ways with stellar faculty & guest speakers. We’re not replicating what med schools do well. Not teaching neurosurgery, though we dive into neuroscience and soul surgery. Did I mention tuition is just $500?”

That is definitely the type of medical school I wish I had attended. Dr. Wible also told me that the school is open to other healthcare professionals, not just medical students and doctors. I know the skills she teaches are very helpful for psychologists, social workers, and others working in the healthcare field.

If you’d like more information about Dr. Wible and her work, you can visit her at https://www.idealmedicalcare.org/.

If you would like to read more articles about how to improve your mental, emotional, relational, and spiritual health, you can subscribe to my free newsletter here: https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/

The post The Healthcare Revolution Is Here: Meet the Maverick Doctor Who is Leading the Way appeared first on MenAlive.