Mental Health

The REAL Vitacco family (Summer 1985):
Frank (rear), Nicky, Vinnie, and Frankie

                Being a father has transformed my life since the moment I held my newborn son, Jemal, shortly after his birth on November 21, 1969. Amid tears of joy and relief that both my wife and baby came through the birth process alive and well, I made a vow that I would be a different kind of father than my father was able to be for me and to do everything I could to create a world where men were fully engaged with their families throughout their lives.

                I wrote about the healing journey of my father and me in my book, My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound. At the start of the book, I offered the following quotes that captured the essence of the father wound for me:

                “A father may be physically present but absent in spirit. His absence may be literal through death, divorce or dysfunction, but more often it is a symbolic absence through silence and the inability to transmit what he also may not have acquired.”  James Hollis

                “Kids have a hole in their soul in the shape of their dad. And if a father is unwilling or unable to fill that role, it can leave a wound that is not easily healed.”  Roland Warren.

                In the introduction I said this:

                “There is one problem that surpasses all others in its impact on men, women, and society. It is the family father wound. We focus on the importance of mothers in determining the well-being of children, yet, without the support of their fathers, men become puppets on a string, disconnected from their true selves, feeling that others are controlling their lives. The family father wound may be the most pervasive, most important, and least-recognized problem facing men and their families today.”

                In addition to the memoir about how I healed and passed a more healthy legacy to my children, I created a workbook and course for men and women who have experienced the father wound.

Guys Night: A New Film For Everyone Who Cares About the Future of Our Children

                It is not surprising that I have a passionate interest in men’s mental, emotional, and relational health or that I would respond positively to the following email I received recently:

Hi Dr. Diamond,

I’m a filmmaker currently raising funds for *Guys Night*, a powerful narrative film inspired by my own childhood — growing up with a single dad in 1980s Chicago. The film explores emotional resilience, masculinity, and fatherhood post-divorce.

Your work has deeply inspired our approach. I’d love to explore ways we might collaborate — whether through a MenAlive newsletter feature, a guest blog post about the film’s message, or a podcast conversation about how storytelling can help men heal.

Thanks for the incredible work you do.

Warmly, 

Niko Vitacco

                I was excited to meet with Niko and the director of the film, Dave Eichhorn. I learned about the project and wanted to support it:

                Anthony Vitello, a husband and father, is doing everything he can to provide stability for his family. His wife Helen, a young mother, loves their boys, but is torn between wanting a family life and a life of her own. When she leaves, Anthony finds himself raising their three boys and continuously struggling to keep his family together. Tony, Dominic, and Vinny are a close-knit, rambunctious bunch of pre-adolescent knuckleheads, but they mean everything to their father.

                In a world where fathers are too often absent, I was deeply moved by the story of a father who stayed and raised his kids. I was even more inspired by Niko’s commitment to create a film that gives us a glimpse into a world that is all too familiar. I recently did an interview with Niko Vitacco and Eave Eichhorn. You can see Niko and his two brothers along with his father in the picture at the beginning of the article. You can watch my full interview here.

                Niko says,

“Our goal is to shed light on the reality of divorce within families. As a kid who grew up only knowing divorce and seeing the struggles it’s brought over the years to my parents and siblings, I’ve also been witness to the beauty and enlightenment on how to cope with it, grow, and be a better person. We feel that presenting this subject matter to cinema in a nostalgic and relatable way can be therapeutic. There’s so much value in bringing and keeping families together, amidst difficult circumstances.”

                I love writing books and have written seventeen over the last forty-plus years. But I love to watch films that speak to the heart and soul of healing. A book is only as powerful as the stories and feelings it brings out in people. A picture, it is said, is worth a thousand words.

                If, like me, you would like to see Niko’s story and his powerful film get completed and available to the world, here’s what you can do. Go to their webpage and learn how you can help. If you are an individual or organization that works with men, this is your chance to help make a positive difference for men and their families.

                “We’re a SAG low budget indie feature – currently in late stages of development,” says Niko. “We’re looking for generous donors to help us tell our story. All donations are 100% tax deductible!  If you’re interested in more – send me an email at nikovitacco@gmail.com. We can set up a call to discuss the project further.”

                If you want to help support the film, go to: https://givebutter.com/guysnight

                If you’d like to read more articles that I feel are important to share about men’s work, please visit me at https://menalive.com/.

The post A Courageous Father’s Story of Love and Life appeared first on MenAlive.

                If you’re a single man who wants a loving, lasting relationship — but you’re tired of dating, unsure where to look, or quietly wondering if it’s even possible anymore — you’re not alone.

                I’ve spent more than 50 years working with men and their families, and I’ve heard countless versions of the same quiet truth: “I want real love… but something’s not working.”

                It’s not that these men don’t have something to offer. Quite the opposite. Many are kind, thoughtful, wise, emotionally aware. They’ve lived full lives. They’ve taken risks. Some have been married before. Some have stayed single. Most have done a fair amount of inner work.

                So, what’s the challenge?

The Unspoken Reality of Conscious Men and Modern Dating

                Men were raised with a very different set of messages about love, masculinity, and vulnerability. For years, we were taught to be self-sufficient, rational, and in control. We were rarely taught how to communicate emotional truth — or how to hold space for another’s.

                And now we’re navigating a dating culture that often feels transactional or shallow. Add to that the pressure of putting yourself out there — after all the life that’s already been lived — and it’s no wonder so many men feel discouraged or hesitant.

                But here’s the thing:

                Wanting love is not a weakness.

                Wanting to be seen, understood, respected, and cherished is not “needy.” It’s human. And there are women out there who want the exact same thing.

                Men get mixed messages from women. It seems that women want vulnerability but often don’t know how to hold space for men’s feelings. And at the same time, men want to provide, but women don’t always know how to communicate what they want. (They were not trained to ask or share how a man can provide for them.)

                In my book, The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationship and Why the Best is Still to Come, I shared some of my own relationship history prior to meeting my wife, Carlin.

“Like everyone else on the face of the planet, I’ve wanted real, lasting love. And like everyone on the face of the planet I have not found these words — Real, Lasting, Love — easy to attain.”

                Like many I grew up with a belief about love and marriage that was simple:

                Step 1: Find that special someone, your soulmate, and fall in love.

                Step 2: And they lived happily ever after.

                But real life is not like the movies, as people know who visit my website, MenAlive.com and watch my welcome video: Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor. What’s worse, the on-line dating world, where more and more people go to find a partner, perpetuates the problem.

                In a very powerful discussion with entrepreneur, investor, and podcaster, Steven Bartlett, behavioral scientist Logan Ury, and professor Scott Galloway, they point out that online dating makes connecting nearly impossible for men.

“If the dating ap is a club,” says Ury, “you have bouncers that keep most men out. Many women in the U.S. fix their height filters at six feet, but only 14% of men are six feet tall or higher. What happens to the other 86%? Women complain: ‘Where’s my special guy?’ But they aren’t even showing up on as a possible choice.”

What I Recommend to Men Seeking Conscious, Romantic Love

                If you’re ready for a meaningful relationship — not just someone to pass the time with, but a partner to grow with — here’s what I often suggest to the men I work with:

                1. Be willing to heal what’s still tender.
                No matter how much work we’ve done, relationships stir the parts of us that are still vulnerable — old wounds, disappointments, or beliefs we picked up long ago. If you’ve experienced heartbreak, betrayal, or prolonged isolation, it’s important to meet those experiences with compassion, not judgment. Healing isn’t about perfection — it’s about showing up whole and honest.

                2. Clarify what matters most to you now.
                We change. What we wanted in our 20s or 30s might not serve us now. Take time to reflect on what kind of partnership truly supports the life you want to live. Shared values, emotional safety, physical affection, spiritual connection — get clear on your priorities.

                3. Don’t try to do it all alone.
                Too many men think they need to figure it out on their own. I can’t tell you how many breakthroughs have come when a man simply has a space to be honest — with himself and others. Whether it’s a therapist, men’s group, or retreat setting, find places where you can explore who you are now, without pressure to perform.

                4. Practice being open, even when it feels awkward.
                Real love requires risk — not recklessness, but emotional risk. That might mean expressing interest, sharing your truth, or saying “I’m not sure, but I’m willing to find out.” The more authentic you are, the more likely you are to attract someone who’s aligned with you, not a performance version of you.

                5. Keep your heart open to surprise.
                Love doesn’t always show up the way we expect it to. Stay open to the possibility that your partner may look different than your checklist — or arrive through unexpected channels. Stay curious and resist the temptation to contract into certainty or resignation.

                If you are looking for a long-term, healthy, romantic relationship, I would encourage you to look at a Retreat that offers something real.

                That’s why I’m sharing with you an opportunity: the Conscious Singles Retreat, happening June 20–22, 2025, near Ashland, Oregon.

                This isn’t a quick fix or matchmaking event. It’s a powerful experience created by two people I know and trust — Joy Taylor, LMT and Gavin Frye, MFT — who met two years ago through SpiritualSingles.com, fell in love, married, and are now sharing their journey to support others in finding conscious partnership.

                Joy and Gavin bring decades of experience in psychotherapy, embodiment, coaching, and spiritual practice. Together, they hold a deeply respectful space where people can:

• Step away from the noise and reconnect with themselves.
• Engage in meaningful conversations about intimacy, self-trust, and love.
• Experience somatic and mindfulness practices to reduce anxiety and open the heart.
• Spend time in nature with others who are also seeking a true, mutual relationship
• Meet some amazing kindred spirits.

                The setting is beautiful. The group is intentionally small and intimate. The process is deeply human.

                They already have 15 women signed up — and just 2 men. And while this isn’t unusual (women often respond first to this kind of offering), it presents a real opportunity for men who are ready.

Why This Matters

                I believe that when men heal, relationships heal. When relationships heal, families heal. And when families heal, the world begins to shift.

                There’s no shame in wanting connection. There’s no shame in wanting to love and be loved.

                Sometimes we just need the right space to remember what’s possible — and the right people to walk with us.

                And you never know, you may meet someone at the retreat. From what I’ve heard, it happened last year – Cupid’s arrow struck.

                I feel blessed to have gone on my own retreat many years ago and met my wife, Carlin. She and I have been together now for forty-five years. I hope you take the opportunity to check out this wonderful opportunity to experience a retreat that can change your life for good. Check it out here. You will be glad you did.

                If you’d like to hear more about me and my work, feel free to visit me at MenAlive.com.

The post Why So Many Good Men Struggle with Dating — and What Can Actually Help appeared first on MenAlive.

                I have been interested in men’s health most of my life. The event that triggered my life-long interest occurred when I was five years old. My mid-life father had become increasingly depressed when he couldn’t make a living to support his family and was hospitalized. I grew up wondering what happened to my father, when it would happen to me, and what I could do to keep it from happening to other families. I knew I wanted to be a healer when I grew up.

                I graduated from college and was accepted at U.C. San Francisco Medical School in 1965. I hoped to become a psychiatrist, but later transferred to U.C. Berkeley when I found that medical school was too limited and didn’t focus on the whole person. I graduated from U.C. Berkeley’s School of Social Work in 1968, and my first job was in a residential treatment program for people, mostly men, who had substance abuse problems.

                When our first son, Jemal, was born in 1969, I made a promise that I would be a different kind of father than my father was able to be for me and to do everything I could to help create a world where men were fully engaged and involved with their families throughout their lives. In 1972, I launched MenAlive, one of the first programs in the country to focus specifically on Men’s Health.

                Although there have been numerous men’s health programs that have sprung up over the years, most of them didn’t last long. I believe there has been a myth that the entire healthcare system is really geared towards the needs of males and we don’t need programs specifically for men. Yet, we know that studies continue to show that men, as a group, die at a younger age than do women and men suffer from most chronic diseases at higher rates than women.

                My colleague Will Courtenay, PhD, author of Dying to Be Men, says,

“Men in the United States have greater socioeconomic advantages than women. These advantages, which include higher social status and higher-paid jobs, provide men with better access to health-related resources. Despite these advantages, men — on average — are at greater risk of serious chronic disease, injury, and death than women.”

                Not only did I see the problem in my own family, but in the families of thousands of clients who came to MenAlive since we began in 1972. I have written seventeen books on various aspects of men’s health. My most popular and widely read book, Male Menopause, was first published in 1997 and became an international best-seller, translated into fifteen foreign languages. The research findings reported in the book concluded:

“Men, like women, experience complex hormonal rhythms that affect their sexuality, mood, and temperament.”

Gameday Men’s Health: Made For Every Man’s Health Journey

                When I first learned about Gameday Men’s Health I was very impressed. They were offering the kind of service that I’ve rarely seen in any healthcare setting.

                When I visited the Gameday website, I got a feel for the program:

“The level of comfort we provide you can be summed up in one word: Unparalleled. To be your best, you have to feel your best. That’s why when you walk into Gameday, we start you off on the right foot. Sit in an overstuffed chair while you watch sports on flat screens or read a recent copy of Men’s Health Magazine, enjoy complimentary refreshments and snacks, and best of all – experience fast appointment times. Come hang out in comfort that you will be hard-pressed to find anywhere else.”

                I was even more impressed after I interviewed the founder of Gameday Men’s Health, Evan Miller, PhD.

                I asked Dr. Miller how he came to be involved with men’s health issues.

“Similar to you, my background is on the clinical side,” he told me, “I’m a PhD in clinical psychology so I come at this whole medical health care world from a very psychological angle. After grad school I got right into the addiction treatment industry and started a treatment center.”

                I immediately felt Dr. Miller was a kindred spirit.

“I really fell in love with the work, with treating men especially, helping take them from feeling broken to becoming fully healed. I loved seeing the light come back in their eyes as healing occurred. But its 24/7 work and I kind of got burnt out.”

                As someone who worked in the addictions field for many years, I knew exactly what he was talking about.

“I wanted to do something else,” Dr. Miller continued. “I wanted to cast a wider net. I wanted to get the average mainstream guy feeling better.”

                I was smiling and nodding with shared recognition.

“Now, here’s where the personal side came in,” he went on. “I was thirty-four, thirty-five, but I didn’t feel like myself. I’d been an athlete my whole life, taken care of myself. I knew how to eat well, sleep well, exercise. But I just wasn’t there. Just by happenstance, I got my lab-work done and asked to have my testosterone levels checked.”

                Here’s where Dr. Miller’s story gets really interesting for him and for millions of men like him.

“They first told me, I didn’t need my testosterone levels checked. ‘You’re young, wait until your sixty-five, then we’ll test you.’” 

                Fortunately, Dr. Miller insisted on knowing what his testosterone levels were. The tests revealed that his testosterone was very low, which helped account for the negative way he was feeling.

                From there the idea of Gameday Men’s Health was born. How about I create a program for men that begins with hormone health number one. Let’s put it into a setting that is comfortable, he thought.

“That was it, and off we went.”

                Now I was really intrigued and wanted to know more details.

“We’re still a young company,” Dr. Miller began, “We started Gameday in 2018. It was one clinic in Carlsbad, California, near San Diego. I wanted to create a model that didn’t look like a doctor’s office, that felt like a sports lounge, or a cool kind of men’s health hangout.”

                But Dr. Miller wanted more than to change the ambience of the setting. He wanted to change how care was given.

“I wanted it to be fast and effective,”

Dr. Miller told me.

“So, I put a licensed lab right in the clinic so guys could get what they needed quickly and effectively:

                Step 1: Enter a welcoming clinic space, complete a quick intake form, have a simple blood test and receive results in just 15 minutes.

                Step 2: Meet an expert clinic director who specializes in all things – testosterone hormone optimization, sexual health and erectile dysfunction, weight loss, peptide therapy and vitamin therapy. Discuss your concerns with them and receive a tailored evaluation to understand your needs.

                Step 3: If eligible, begin your personalized treatment plan right away, crafted specifically for your goals.”

                Then things really took off. Men were coming from all around and Dr. Miller opened other clinics in the San Diego area. He knew there was a huge need for what he had created.

“We decided to franchise Gameday in 2022 and by 2023 we became the fastest growing franchise of all time. We have 335 locations open now and 1,000 locations in development.”

                “The demand is huge,” Dr. Miller concluded. “Men want real health care. Guys are waking up and saying I want to feel better now. I don’t want to wait in line for care that is limited and doesn’t address my needs.”

                This is the kind of health care I believe the world needs. You can learn more about Gameday Men’s Health by going to their website. https://gamedaymenshealth.com/

                You can learn more about Dr. Evan Miller here.  You can view the full interview with Evan Miller, PhD, here.

                I told Dr. Miller, I would like to interview him again and hear about how Gameday Men’s Health is progressing. If you would like to read more articles about men’s health issues, I invite you to subscribe to our free weekly newsletter.

The post Gameday is a Game Changer in the Emerging  Men’s Health Field appeared first on MenAlive.

                Frederick Marx is an Academy and Emmy nominated filmmaker and author. He most well-known for his film Hoop Dreams. In a recent article by Shahnaz Mahmud published by the Sundance Institute Mahmud says,

“Once in a while a rare film comes along that demonstrates cinematic storytelling at its absolute finest, shaking us to our core and encouraging us to think differently about the world we live in.”

                He goes on to say,

“Hoop Dreams accomplished that — and so much more. The sports documentary, which chronicles the lives of two inner city youths in Chicago as they pursue dreams of playing professional basketball — and escaping their dangerous environment — is still perceived as seminal work.”

                Hoop Dreams left Marx wondering who exactly is doing what’s necessary to mentor adolescent boys across the threshold into maturity.  He made the TV mini-series Boys to Men? to find out, wanting to hear directly from teen boys themselves how they approach the challenges of adult masculinity.

                Marx has created many more films, books, and articles through his company Warrior Films.

                In his book, Rites to a Good Life, Marx says,

“I think the greatest crime of the last two centuries has been the countless millions of children who have been brought into the world but never taught to discover their unique purpose in life.”

                He goes on to quote Michael Meade who reminds us of what’s at stake:

“When a culture doesn’t provide formal Rites of Passage or initiations, people find their own. Or they don’t find them and never really find the traction of their life. And when a society or culture doesn’t attempt to create circumstances in which that can be worked on creatively, then you get usually destructive versions of them.”

                We recognize the effect of these missing Rites of Passage in the behavior of many of our boys as well as many adult males at all levels of society — from our bedrooms and boardrooms to our federal government. 

“All these men have something in common,” say psychologist Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette. “They are all boys pretending to be men. Their kind of ‘manhood’ is a pretense to manhood.”

                The historian, Ruth Ben-Ghiat, describes political leaders throughout the world who are “boys pretending to be men.” In her book, Strongmen: Mussolini to the Present, she says,

“For ours is the age of authoritarian rulers: self-proclaimed saviors of the nation who evade accountability while robing their people of truth, treasure, and the protections of democracy. They use masculinity as a symbol of strength and a political weapon. Taking what you want, and getting away with it, becomes proof of male authority. They use propaganda, corruption, and violence to stay in power.”

Dr. Mark Schillinger and The Young Men’s Ultimate Weekend (YMUW)

                All young people, males and females, need Rites of Passage. However, when they are missing for our boys and young men, the results are disastrous for everyone. There is an African proverb:

“The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth.”

                We are all aware of the violent behavior of uninitiated boys and men.

                The Young Men’s Ultimate Weekend was founded by Dr. Mark Schillinger, DC. Mark was inspired by Brad Leslie who started a weekend mentoring program for young men in Vancouver, Canada in 1990. Mark took his son to this program and when he returned he knew he needed help raising his son as a single parent.

                He put out a call for help in the Bay Area and with the commitment and cooperation of dozens of caring mothers, fathers, and mentors the Young Men’s Ultimate Weekend was born. I had the opportunity to interview Mark for one of my recent podcasts. We had a lively discussion which you can watch here.

                In 2012 YMUW was one of 25 organizations selected to participate in the first International Rite of Passage Council, founded by Frederick Marx. YMUW has now produced more than 50 initiation events, graduating more than 3500 young men. I asked Mark to tell us a bit more about the weekend.

“The purpose of the weekend is to provide young men with a weekend filled with incredible fun and challenges, while building a foundation for a confident and successful adulthood, through learning the importance of teamwork, developing a sense of accomplishment and acquiring leadership skills.”

                I recently received an email from Mark about an upcoming weekend.

“We’re excited to announce that registration is now open for the 2025, Young Men’s Ultimate Weekend. a modern, wilderness-based rite of passage adventure camp for young men ages 13  to 20.”

                This life-changing weekend, featured on CNN’s, “This Is Life with Lisa Ling,” gives our sons the opportunity to:

• Step away from digital distractions.
• Be mentored by experienced, trained, men of our community.
• Face meaningful challenges designed to build his character and confidence.
• Discover who he truly is and how he wants to show up in the world.
• Channel his energy constructively.

                The next weekend will take place on June 19-22, 2025. You can get more information on this weekend as well as other events for young men and their families by visiting the Young Men’s Ultimate Weekend Website: https://www.ymuw.org/.

                You can also get more information about this event and other supportive programs for young men and their families by contacting Mark directly:

Phone: (415) 479–4100
Email: help@ymuw.org

Our Office:
119 A Paul Dr., San Rafael, CA 94903
(Note this is not the location of the weekend).

                You can also learn more about Frederick Marx and his work by visiting his website: https://warriorfilms.org/.

                If you would like to read more articles like these, please feel free to subscribe to our free weekly newsletter here: https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/

The post Rites of Passage: The Hope for the Future of Boys, Men, and Humanity appeared first on MenAlive.

                Alanna Kaivalya, PhD is on a mission to awaken the feminine soul and improve the love lives of women and men throughout the world. She is a bestselling author, educator, thought leader, and expert on women’s empowerment. In her new book, The Way of the Satisfied Woman: Reclaiming Feminine Power.

                She begins her book with two provocative questions for women.

“What if there was a way to become a fully Satisfied Woman: one who measured meaning on her own terms, recovered her feminine power, dropped masculine expectations for herself, and ascended to her own queenly throne? What if you could have your needs, desires, and cravings fulfilled in a way that empowered, enlightened, and enlivens you?”

                I had the good fortune to interview Dr. Kaivalya for my podcast and found her to be a lively and informed guest and a kindred spirit for the work I’ve been doing with men over the last fifty years. You can view the podcast here. At a time when there is so much confusion about men, women, and relationships, Alanna brings clarity. Instead of adding to the conflicts between women and men, between the feminine and the masculine, she brings healing salves of joy and delight.

                “Let’s start with the femininity,” she says, “Most people assume the word relates to anything female, but what I want us to learn into here is the dynamic psychic (as in ‘of the psyche’) energy that is opposite and complementary to the masculine. Every human, regardless of gender assigned at birth, has both masculine and feminine energy in their psyche.”

                One of the things I most appreciated about Alanna’s work was her willingness to recognize the evolutionary realities that most humans and all living things come in one of two varieties — female or male.

“I speak to people whose gender assigned at birth is female and who primarily express the feminine polarity,”

                Alanna says.

“This is not because other genders and expressions are not valid — of course they are!”

                she goes on to state.

“But this book seeks to reframe femininity for cisgender women and offer support in releasing the paradigms of masculinity that have repressed and oppressed us for far too long.”

                This is good news for women, but also for men. I had similar goals for my book, The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why the Best is Still to Come. In my book and an on-line course I offer, I say,

“We all want real, lasting love, whether we are in our 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, or beyond. Yet too many marriages fall apart and most people don’t know why. They become disillusioned with their marriage. They mistakenly believe that they have chosen the wrong partner, and the relationship falls apart.”

                After going through the grieving process, they start looking again. But after more than fifty years as a marriage and family counselor I have found that most people are looking for love in all the wrong places. They don’t understand that disillusionment is not the beginning of the end, but the third stage of love.

                Most of us grew up with romantic notions of relationships. We went looking for that magical someone, our soul partner, and we fell in love (stage 1). After that stage 2 was easy — and they lived happily ever after. But when disillusionment sets in, we feel we made the wrong choice or we just drifted apart. We go through a grieving process and start looking again or give up on love and marriage.

                Here is my conception of a more enlightened path with the following stages:

• Stage 1: Falling In Love
• Stage 2: Becoming a Couple
• Stage 3: Disillusionment
• Stage 4: Creating Real, Lasting Love
• Stage 5: Using the Power of Two to Change the World

                Alanna is also a believer in the power of love. In her chapter on “The Satisfied Relationship,” she says,

“Perhaps the most important relationship for the modern adult feminine women is intimate partnership. Far from being a clichéd or old-fashioned notion, it is within the sacred dynamic of masculine and feminine that the feminine flourishes.”

                She goes on to say,

“This relationship has the potential to heal the greatest wounds suffered by the feminine, which are often — ironically — at the hands of the distorted masculine.”

Alanna shares the experiences that most all women know well.

“Whether it was our father, brother, boys at school, or members of the wider community, it is nearly inevitable that a young woman experiences some type of psychological, emotional, or physical harm from the opposite polarity. Whether unintentional or intended, whether violent or subtle, these leave indelible marks on the psyche that forever shape our adulthood.”

                This is another area where Alanna and I are in total agreement.

“I can’t emphasize it enough,” she says. “We are wounded in relationship. And we are ultimately healed in relationship.”

                I describe two primary purposes of Stage 3, Disillusionment. First, we must let go of our romantic illusions where we project our unmet needs, our hopes and dreams on our partner. We can’t have a successful relationship until we see our partner as a complex human being. In order to do that, the second purpose is to heal our childhood wounds with our mothers and fathers.

“We are all wounded,”

Dr. Kaivalya reminds us.

“While that may sound fatalistic, cynical, or like a total bummer, it is simply part of the human psychological condition.”

                No one gets through childhood without having experienced wounding from our mothers and fathers, whether they were physically present or absent. Alanna details the mother wound by describing two polarities of “Enmeshment” and “Abandonment.” All of us, whether female or male, came through the body of a woman. Most of us are aware of the deep connection and need for our mothers.

                But too often, women and men, grow up without the emotional presence of a father. Alanna has an important section in her book, “The Father Wound: Dealing with Daddy Issues.” I wrote a whole book My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound. I said,

“There is one problem that surpasses all others in its impact on men, women, and society. It is the family father wound. The father wound, resulting from physical or emotional absence, has been largely ignored. Without a strong sense of inner guidance, men can become abusive towards women and destructive towards men.”

                As Dr. Kaivalya recognizes, the father wound impacts women as well. She says,

 “I can feel the resistance in many readers even as I’m about to write these words: women inevitably fall in love with a replica of their fathers. There I said it.”

                Alanna speaks to women in the same way I speak to men.

“Whether our fathers were present in our lives or not, whether we participate in heteronormative relationships or not, when we look across the span of intimate relationships as adult women, what we find is a common thread that relates back to our early childhood experiences with the masculine parent or caregiver.”

                I think everyone will recognize why I recommend Alanna’s book and her work for both men and women.

                You can learn more about Dr. Alanna Kaivalya by visiting her website: https://www.thesatisfiedwoman.com/

                You can see the interesting podcast discussion I had with Alanna here.

                If you would like to read more interesting articles like these, I invite you to join our community and receive my free newsletter here.  

The post The Way of the Satisfied Woman & The Five Stages of Love appeared first on MenAlive.

               In my recent article, “The Evolution of Manhood and the Emergence of Compassionate Warriors,” I introduced you to the work of Dr. Sarah Hrdy, an anthropologist and primatologist and one of the world’s leading experts on the evolutionary basis of female behavior in both nonhuman and human primates. Dr. Hrdy has recently turned her attention to men. In “Father Time: How Dad’s Are Being Called to Change the World for Good,” we go deeper in exploring the ways dads today are nurturing young children.

               Here we’ll explore what Dr. Hrdy describes as “a new kind of father,” hands-on dads who are leading the way to a better future for their own children and changing the evolutionary future of humankind. 

                In introducing her colleague, Dr. Ruth Feldman, Dr. Hrdy says,

“Born to an illustrious rabbi, Ruth Feldman was a precocious child, beginning to talk by eighteen months. What a shame, a colleague of her father’s once remarked, that his unusually bright daughter was not a son. Among Orthodox Jews, traditionally, it is sons who become scholars. Daughters do other things. Reminiscing years later, Feldman attributed her father’s decision to break with such tradition and promote his clever daughter’s intellectual development to their unusually close relationship. It planted her a powerful drive to succeed.”

                Like Dr. Hrdy, Ruth Feldman began her illustrious career exploring the importance of mothers to the life of her children. But then she became interested in the specific ways that fathers contribute to the wellbeing of children and society. Together with Eyal Abraham and others, Feldman’s team decided to study the changes going on with men who were becoming hands-on parents, involved with their wives in providing care for children beginning at birth. They included a subset of men who were even pairing up with other men to start a family as a same-sex couple. Some were adopting babies, others contracting with surrogates, then nurturing the babies right from birth with no mother involved.

                As Dr. Hrdy reminds us,

“For over 200 million years that mammals have existed, exclusively male care of babies from birth onward has never happened before. Yet, something’s happening now that has never occurred before.”

               As CBS News reported in 2024,

“When it comes to handling a pair of toddlers, Pete Buttigieg, the unflappable Secretary of Transportation, may appear a little jet-lagged. Pete and his husband, Chasten Buttigieg, raise their two-year old twins, Penelope and Gus, in Traverse City, Michigan, where they recently moved full-time from Washington to be closer to family. The kids call Pete ‘Papa,’ and Chasten ‘Daddy.’”

               Pete Buttigieg and his husband Chasten may be a most well-known pair raising their children from birth with only male parents, but they are certainly not the only ones. What we are learning about the male father’s brain is illuminating for all of us.

                Hrdy reported that the Feldman team recruited 89 couples in stable relationships who were first-time parents with babies between 12 and 18 months old. 48 of the couples were same sex-partnerships of two men, while 41 were heterosexual parents living in “traditional” families where the mother acted as primary caretaker (and, in most cases, breastfed), with the father merely helping her out.

                Later, as parents lay inside a magnetic resonance machine watching videos of themselves interacting with their babies, Feldman and coworkers scanned their brains. In the secondary caregiving men from “traditional” family contexts, neural circuits in the cortical region of their brains important in social discrimination and decision-making really lit up.  These were the areas that helped me, as a new dad, figure out what my newborn son needed and think through various options — was he hungry, cold, wet, excited, tired, etc. — and act appropriately.

                The biggest surprise, however, was what happened in the brains of the unusual, first-of-their-kind men acting as primary caretaker for a baby with no woman involved. (This is what went on in my brain when my wife had left me in total care of our infant son when she took a two-week break to go off with her girlfriend when Jemal was a year old.)

                “In their brains,” Hrdy reported Feldman’s findings, “emotion-processing networks involving the amygdala and hypothalamus were stimulated as well. These ‘ancient’ networks dating back to the first mammals, and even further, to their vertebrate precursors. They derive from the same highly conserved neural networks that for 200 million years helped hypervigilant mammalian mothers keep their babies safe.”

                “Now, these same limbic system areas were being activated in the brains of men — but only when the baby’s safety and well-being had become those men’s primary concern day after day.”

                When my wife was away and I was alone with our son, I was aware of every sound that might indicate danger or that our son needed something. Once those circuits become activated, they stay active forever.

                When we adopted our daughter, Angela, I was often on duty at night when my wife was asleep. It was me who often heard her whimpers and instantly awakened at the first sign of something amiss.

                In more and more families today we have men and women working together hand-in-hand to raise children. As Dr. Hrdy and Feldman point out, males and females often parent children differently — men tend to be more active and risk-taking with small children, throwing them up in the air and catching them (much to the horror of moms who worry that we may drop them). But the children love it and good fathers, like good mothers, never drop their infant babies.

                Through evolutionary history mothers have learned to keep their babies safe and alive. What Hrdy, Feldman, and others have shown is that men have the same capacity built into our brains. We can keep our babies safe, but men also can introduce babies to new experiences and that is important too. Good parents, whatever their sexual orientation, learn to be partners in working together.

                Dr. Feldman says that she likes to think about good parenting as 12 bar blues where your left hand is playing that 12 bar blues again and again and it’s predictable and safe. The right hand can improvise, come up with exciting new riffs. The mothers provide the safety and the fathers provide the risk-taking variety. Both are needed.

                In this short video, Dr. Feldman describes what her studies have taught us about the male brain and how it works to provide the vital functions that children need right from the very beginning of life. She also emphasizes that fathers and mothers don’t always realize how vital a father’s involvement is with their babies right from the beginning of life. Men often need encouragement and support to let them know they can trust their own parental instincts just as mothers learn to do.

                I was fortunate to have a wife who was an involved mom from the beginning, but also knew she needed time to herself after the baby was born and trusted me to step in. I was terrified at first, but once I was on my own, I realized I wasn’t really on my own. Even though my wife was gone for two weeks, I learned that my one-year-old son, Jemal, was right there with me. He knew what he needed and he taught me to trust my instincts. We made a great team which continues to serve us well. Jemal is now 53 years old. He and his wife have a child of their own and he tells me I was a great role-model for him about how to be a good dad.

                Our daughter, Angela, is 51, and has four children. She, too, credits me with being an involved, hand-on Dad and her experiences with me have offered a model of what a good parent must do in order to give our children and future generations the best change for a good life.

                I hope all men can learn how vital we are to the wellbeing of our children and that women can learn to trust that fathers can be as good parents to the children as mothers can. Our children, grandchildren, and future generations need us now more than ever.

                I always appreciate comments. It’s the way I know what I’m sharing makes a difference in people’s lives. If you appreciate articles like these and want to read more I invite you to subscribe to my free weekly newsletter here:

The post Time For Fathers: How Hands-on Dads May Be the Hope For Our Future appeared first on MenAlive.

Sam Keen was a philosopher, scholar, and author of life-changing books including Faces of the Enemy: Reflections of the Hostile Imagination (1986), Your Mythic Journey (1990), and Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man (1991). He was also a mentor, friend, and colleague. The April 4, 2025 obituary in The New York Times, headlined: Sam Keen, Philosopher of the Men’s Movement, Is Dead at 93.

                “Only men understand the secret fears that go with the territory of masculinity,”

                Keen was quoted saying and the obituary went on to say,

“His message resonated: His book Fire in the Belly was a best seller.”

                The article went on to say,

“Mr. Keen, who described himself as having been ‘overeducated at Harvard and Princeton’, fled academia in the 1960s for California, where he led self-help workshops and wrote more than a dozen books.”

                Sam and I lived in the same area of northern California and were both in long-standing men’s groups, which I wrote about recently, “Why Joining a Men’s Group May Be the Most Important Decision of Your Life.” In my book, The Warrior’s Journey Home: Healing Men, Healing the Planet, I said,

“The acceptance of weakness and strength is a crucial part of the warrior’s journey home.”

                In his book, Fire in the Belly, Sam Keen gives a magnificent description of this phase of a man’s hero’s journey:

                “This isn’t the fun part of the part of the trip. It’s spelunking in Plato’s cave, feeling our way through the illusions we have mistaken for reality, crawling through the drain sewers where the forbidden ‘unmanly’ feelings dwell, confronting the demons and dark shadows that have held us captive from their underground haunts. At this stage of the journey, we must make use of the warrior’s fierceness, courage, and aggression to break through the rigidities of old structures of manhood, and explore the dark and taboo negative emotions that make up the shadow of modern manhood.”

                One of the most honest and revealing aspects of the modern male shadow that we discuss and explore in the groups that Sam and I were involved with is our ambivalence towards women. In my most recent book, Long Live Men! The Moonshot Mission to Heal Men, Close the Lifespan Gap, and Offer Hope to Humanity, I shared Sam’s revealing insights in section I titled, “Males Feel Engulfed by WOMAN.”

                I said,

“I’ve known Sam for many years, and I believe he offers insights into why men are the way they are that can help us better understand men’s hunger for women, along with our anger and fear of women.”

                In Fire in the Belly, Sam says,

“It was slow in dawning on me that WOMAN had an overwhelming influence on my life and on the lives of all the men I knew. I’m not talking about women, the actual flesh-and-blood creatures, but about WOMEN, those larger-than-life shadowy female figures who inhabit our imaginations, inform our emotions, and indirectly give shape to many of our actions.”

                If you knew Sam, who was tall, good-looking, and successful, you might be as surprised as I was when he shared the deeper truth about his life.

“From all outward appearances, I was a successfully individuated man. I had set my career course early, doggedly stuck to the discipline of graduate school through many years and degrees, and by my mid-thirties was vigorously pursuing the life of a professor and writer. Like most men, I was devoting most of my energy and attention to work and profession.”

                I could identify with Keen’s early experience. My own life trajectory was similar as was “the rest of the story.”  Sam continues saying,

“But if the text of my life was ‘successful independent man,’ the subtext was ‘engulfed by WOMAN.’ All the while I was advancing in my profession, I was engaged in an endless struggle to find the ‘right’ woman, to make my relationship ‘work,’ to create a good marriage.”

                Sam went on to say,

“I agonized over sex — was I good enough? Did she ‘come’? Why wasn’t I always potent? What should I do about my desires for other women? The more troubled my marriage became, the harder I tried to get it right. I worked at communication, sex, and everything else until I became self-obsessed. Divorce finally broke the symbiotic mother-son, father-daughter pattern of my first marriage.”

                Sam’s story is like my own and that of millions of men. When we are engulfed by WOMAN, we are out of touch with our true selves. We project all our hopes for a life of passion, joy, and meaning on to this or that woman, but it never works out because we are really longing for the mythical WOMAN of our dreams. Yet, we continually deny the reality and the power that this mythical female figure exerts in our lives.

                “I would guess,” says Keen, “that a majority of men never break free, never define manhood by weighing and testing their own experience. And the single largest reason is that we never acknowledge the primal power WOMAN wields over us. The average man spends a lifetime denying, defending against, trying to control, and reacting to the power of WOMAN. He is committed to remaining unconscious and out of touch with his own deepest feelings and experience.”

                It took a long time for me to understand my anger and fear of women and to begin the journey of becoming my own man. Sam’s experiences and his words have helped me.

“We begin to learn the mysteries unique to maleness only when we separate from WOMAN’s world,” says Keen. “But before we can take our leave, we must first become conscious of the ways in which we are enmeshed, incorporated, inwombed, and defined by WOMAN. Otherwise we will be controlled by what we haven’t remembered.”

                As long as we are controlled by what we haven’t remembered, we will continue to hate and love women, to hunger for them and also be afraid of them, to touch them tenderly and also want to hurt them. We don’t all have to get a divorce to separate ourselves from the hold that WOMAN has on us, but I do think that we need to be in a men’s group where we can, in the words of another friend and colleague, Robert Bly,

“Men need to be with other men in order to hear the sounds that male cells sing.”

                My own men’s group lasted 46 years. My wife, Carlin, says that one of the main reasons we have had a successful 45-year marriage is because I have been in a men’s group for 46 years. I would add two additional words of wisdom. First, it should be noted that my wife has also been in a number of women’s groups over the years, which I believe have helped her deal with her own issues as well as contributing to our successful marriage.

                Second, most men get themselves to a men’s group because someone cares enough to guide them to one. I was lucky to have found Sam’s books and gotten mentoring from older men. Other men find a men’s group because their wives, girlfriends, or other caring women have suggested, (or sometimes highly suggested, as in “if you don’t get in a men’s group this relationship is over”) that we go.

                Unfortunately, my men’s group came to an end last year. Four of the seven members have died and the group needs more than three to be viable. I believe I have at least twenty good years ahead of me and I have a lot I’d like to share with other guys. I’ve put the word out and have gotten a number of responses, but I’m still talking with men who would like to join. I describe what I’m looking for here. Take a look and reach out if you’re interested.

                Sam Keen will always be a mentor to the group, wherever his spirit may be flying. Thank you, my friend.

The post The Future of Men, Men’s Groups, and the Legacy of Sam Keen appeared first on MenAlive.

        In my recent article, “The Evolution of Manhood and the Emergence of Compassionate Warriors,” I introduced you to the work of Dr. Sarah Hrdy, an anthropologist and primatologist and one of the world’s leading experts on the evolutionary basis of female behavior in both nonhuman and human primates. Dr. Hrdy has recently turned her attention to men.

                In her book, Father Time: A Natural History of Men and Babies, Dr. Hrdy destroys the myths that have kept men disconnected from our evolutionary, God-given–(Kudos to Michael Dowd for his transformative book, Thank God for Evolution)–rights to care, nurture, and hold our sons and daughters from the moment of their birth until…forever.

                I have read thousands of great books in my life and tried to write a few of my own. To say that Father Time can change the world for good would be an understatement. To say the book is timely would also be an understatement. The news is full of stories about boys and men, most of them negative. We might wonder if there is anything good about men. Father Time is not only a book about what is good about men but also offers clear science that proves that men may hold the key that unlocks secrets to our very survival as a species.

                We don’t need scientists to prove that humans are in trouble. We only need to listen to the news (or even just the weather report) to see that we are destroying our life support system and we don’t seem to be able to listen to those who are calling on us to change our ways before it’s too late.

                Thomas Berry was a priest, a “geologian,” and a historian of religions. He spoke eloquently about our connection to the Earth and the consequences of our failure to remember that we are one member in the community of life.

“We never knew enough. Nor were we sufficiently intimate with all our cousins in the great family of the earth. Nor could we listen to the various creatures of the earth, each telling its own story. The time has now come, however, when we will listen or we will die.”

                Father Time offers surprising wisdom of what we might do differently. Yet, the book almost didn’t make it into print.

“It took science far longer than it should have to recognize and zero in on the nurturing potential of men,” Dr. Hrdy reminds us. “It also took me longer than I expected to complete what, as the years dragged on, I began referring to as ‘this albatross of a book.’ Father Time was begun in 2014 as I eagerly contemplated and then luxuriated in the birth of my first grandchild.”

She goes on to say,

“I watched with awe as my son-in-law tended him right from birth. At the time my spirits were buoyed by social trends favoring women’s increased reproductive autonomy and professional opportunities along with broader definitions of what it means to be a man. The Introduction was drafted during that optimistic period, before I had to put the book on hold when my husband was diagnosed with cancer and faced surgery and bouts of radiation to cure it.

“By the time I returned to the book, backlashes aimed at re-imposing constraints on both sexes and all genders were gaining traction. It was hard for me to feel as hopeful as when I began. Yet recognizing men’s nurturing potentials and promoting their expression seems more urgent than ever.”

Old Beliefs About Men Have Harmed Us All

                Dr. Hrdy freely admits that she has held beliefs about men that are no longer valid. Good scientists are able to change their perspective when faced with new evidence, but not all scientists are able to admit they missed some critical information about men. We all have biases, but we don’t all recognize them.

“I have written whole books about maternal love and ambivalence,” says Dr. Hrdy, “with emphasis on the former. Few people could be more aware than I that we humans are mammals whose females invest heavily in their young, gestating, birthing, and then suckling them.”

                Yet, she like many scientists and the public, have known a lot about what is natural for women, but have missed important truths about what is natural for men.

“According to the standard Darwinian script,” says Dr. Hrdy, “while females were nurturing babies, males were otherwise occupied, mostly competing for status and mates, often violently or coercively.” [emphasis mine].

                She concludes,

“While a mother’s top priority is likely to be the well-being of her children, a male’s will be siring more of them. In line with such Darwinian preconceptions, across cultures and through historical time there are few, if any, records of men turning their lives over to babies the way women do. Instead, what we find is a near-universal expectation that baby care is women’s work.” [emphasis mine].

                I shared my own early experiences with my two children in the article I mentioned above. Being a hands on and heart connected father with my infant children changed my life forever. Dr. Hrdy’s book Father Time reads like a mystery novel revealing deeper and deeper layers of the truth of men’s inherent ability to nurture small children.

                She says,

“It is a story covering millions of years of vertebrate, mammalian, and particularly primate evolution, followed by thousands of years of human evolution and history, punctuated by numerous social transitions, cultural shifts and innovations.”

                What she finally discovers is simple and profound:

“My unexpected finding is that inside every man there lurk ancient caretaking tendencies that render a man every bit as protective and nurturing as the most committed mother. It is a journey that has forced me to rethink long held assumptions about man’s innately selfish, competitive, and violent nature, what Darwin described as his ‘natural and unfortunate birthright.” [emphasis mine].

Father Time and Father Earth: Healing Ourselves, Healing Our Relationship With The Planet

                Another wise grandmother who offers an inspiring novel understanding of men is Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés, a Mestiza Latina psychoanalyst and post-trauma specialist who was raised in now nearly vanished oral and ethnic traditions. She is best known for her book, Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of The Wild Woman Archetype was on the New York Times Best Seller list for 144 weeks.

                I still remember sitting with 200 men and women at the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco in 1993. My wife, Carlin, and I were attending a special workshop for women and men, appropriately titled “Ovarios y Cojones: Labyrinths of Memory and Danger Within Women and Men,” with Dr. Estés and mythologist and storyteller, Michael Meade.

                Towards the end of the day, Clarissa shared a few poems, including, “Father Earth.” As soon as she shared the title, the hairs on the back of my neck began to tingle. I knew I was going to hear something special. Here’s what she shared:

Father Earth!
There is a two-million-year-old men, no one knows.
They cut into his rivers.
They peeled side pieces of hide from his legs.
They left scorch marks on his buttocks.
He did not cry out.
No matter what they did to him. He did not cry out.
He held firm.
Now he raises his stabbed hands and whispers that we can heal him yet.
We begin the bandages, the rolls of gauze, the cut, the needle, the grafts.
Slowly, carefully, we turn his body face up.
And under him, his lifelong lover, the old woman is perfect and unmarked.
He has laid upon his two-million-year-old lover all this time
Protecting her with his old back, with his old, scarred back.
And the soil beneath her was fertile and black with her tears.

                Like many in the audience I was moved to tears. Even as I’ve recounted the experience over the years in men’s gatherings, people are touched. A number of men commented,

“Finally, a woman finally understands what being a male is really about.”

                And many men get a glimpse into the deeper truth about men, women, creation, and the future of humankind.

                Thank you Clarissa and Sarah for sharing the wisdom of the grandmothers for all of us, men, women, and children. I also wish to thank another elder in our community, Holly Near, and her song 1,000 Grandmothers. Our local, Emandal Chorale, came together with our children and grandchildren to sing the song in a recent 4^th of July parade. I’m still moved to tears seeing my friends, our children, and grandchildren, and being part of a new kind of Independence Day. You can share in the joy of our gathering here.

                Feel free to share this article and visit me at www.MenAlive.com to read more. If you’d like to read more articles like these, please consider subscribing to our FREE weekly newsletter. https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/. As always, I enjoy hearing from you. I read every email you send and will reply as I can.

The post Father Time: How Dads Are Being Called to Change the World for Good appeared first on MenAlive.

                My friend and colleague Margaret Wheatley says,

“Warriors appear at certain historic moments, when something valuable is being threatened and needs protection. It could be clans, communities, kings, lands—something is being imperiled by outside forces. This situation of extreme threat demands exceptional protectors. This is when the Warriors arise.”

                In my book, The Warrior’s Journey Home: Healing Men, Healing the Planet, I said that we must separate the life of the warrior from the destruction of war and quoted meditation master Chögyam Trungpa.

“Warriorship here does not refer to making war on others,” says Trungpa. “Aggression is the source of our problems not the solution. Here the word ‘warrior’ is taken from the Tibetan pawo which literally means ‘one who is brave.’  Warriorship in this context is the tradition of human bravery, or the tradition of fearlessness.” Trungpa concludes by saying, “Warriorship is not being afraid of who you are.”

                I experienced my first warrior calling on November 21, 1969. My wife was pregnant with our first child and I had spent the last nine hours coaching her through the Lamaze breathing techniques we had been taught in the child-birth classes with other expectant parents to be. When we began the classes, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be part of the birth process, even if I was allowed, afraid I might pass out at the sight of blood or become overly concerned with my wife’s pain and be more of a hindrance than a help.

                When the time had arrived for her to go to the delivery room, the nurse said,

“Well, your job is done here Mr. Diamond. You can go to the waiting room now.”

                I felt a mixture of sadness and relief. We had been given the rules of Kaiser hospital at the outset. Whichever doctor was there when the baby was ready to be born would decide if the father would be allowed in the delivery room. So I kissed my wife goodbye and wished her well. She was wheeled through the doors toward the delivery room and I walked down the long hallway toward the exit sign leading to the waiting room to sit with the other expectant fathers.

                Yet, in the eternity of those few moments it took to make the short walk, something shifted in me. I felt a call from my unborn child that could not be denied telling me I don’t want a waiting-room father. Your place is here with us.

                I turned around and walked back into the delivery room and took my place at the head of the table. There was no question of asking permission, no chance I would leave if directed. I was simply there. I felt a wonderful sense of calm come over me and quite soon, amid tears of joy, my son, Jemal, arrived in the world. He was handed to me and as I looked into his eyes, I made a vow that I would be a different kind of father than my father was able to be for me and to do everything I could to create a world where fathers were fully involved with their children throughout their lives.

                When my wife and I were in college after we had met and fallen in love, we agreed we both wanted children. But we also felt that there were children already born who needed loving parents. We decided we would have a child then adopt a child. After Jemal was born, we began the adoption process for a little girl. Two years later we adopted a two-and-a-half-month old African-American little girl who we named Angela.

                As I write this our son Jemal, is 54 and has a child of his own. Angela is 52 and has four children. My wife, Carlin, and I now have six grown children, seventeen grandchildren, three great grandchildren, and one on the way. Before I had children, I thought my purpose as a man was centered outside the home, with the work I did in the world. I still do work outside the home, but over the years I have come to see my most important role has been as a hands-on caregiver.

Father Time: A Natural History of Men and Babies

                Dr. Sarah Hrdy is an anthropologist and primatologist and one of the world’s leading experts on the evolutionary basis of female behavior in both nonhuman and human primates. She has recently turned her attention to men.

“It has long seemed self-evident that women care for babies and men do other things,” says Hrdy. “When evolutionary science came along, it rubber-stamped this venerable division of labor: mammalian males evolved to compete for status and mates, while females were purpose-built to gestate, suckle, and otherwise nurture the victors’ offspring.”

                In her recent book, Father Time: A Natural History of Men and Babies, Hrdy set out to trace the deep history of male nurturing and explain a surprising departure from everything she had assumed to be “normal.” She offers a sweeping account of male nurturing, explaining how and why men are biologically transformed when they care for babies.

                “Under the right circumstances,” she says, “males of our species are as well-equipped as women to tenderly nurture babies and develop caring priorities. Gestation, giving birth, and breast-feeding are not nature’s sole pathways to parental involvement and intense devotion.”

                This was certainly my experience when Jemal and Angela were babies. Once I brought my wife and new-born son home from the hospital, I took three weeks off from work to help with the immediate caregiving. I assumed that mothers were born with some genetically driven knowledge of how to care for babies but soon learned that was not the case. She had breasts for the baby, but breastfeeding was an art she and the baby had to learn together.

                I knew that changing diapers was not a sex-specific skill and I soon learned to get as good at it as was my wife. After three weeks I went back to work and my wife soon moved into the role of full-time caregiver, with me as the support team. That lasted a year until my wife announced one day that she needed a break and was doing to take a three-week trip with a girlfriend and that I would assume full-time care duties while she was away.

                The idea sounded reasonable. I could tell she was exhausted even with the help I supplied when I came home from work. But the truth was I was scared as hell. All my fears came to the surface. What will I do when I don’t know what to do? What if he starts crying and I can’t make him stop? We didn’t have any other family who lived close to us and most of our friends were either single or were overwhelmed with their own family challenges.

                My wife was reassuring and said I could call her if I needed advice. She kissed me goodbye and off she went. I’m a long way from those fearful days, but the truth was it was one of the greatest gifts of my life. Jemal and I worked things out together. Each hour of each day we were together, I gained confidence. My wife had left enough breast milk (using one of those handpumps popular at the time) and I learned how to heat and serve. We played together and I carried him around on my back.

                My wife got worried when I hadn’t called and when she phoned me she was relieved to learn that we were going well. My confidence as a man has grown through the years as I learned new skills in caring for our daughter.

                Dr. Hrdy discovered some of the reasons that men can become as good at nurturing infants as women.

“Early in my career, back in the 1970s while still focused on infanticide, the antithesis of nurturing,” says Hrdy, “I learned about a phenomenon called ‘sensitization.’ Even in species of animals whose males ordinarily ignore, attack, or cannibalize pups they encounter, males might, given the right circumstances, switch to gently tending them instead. What it took was repeated exposure. Time in intimate proximity somehow ‘flipped a switch’ in the deepest recesses of the male brain, whether a rodent’s or a monkey’s.”

                Dr. Hrdy went on to say,

“Time in intimate proximity to babies could have surprising effects on males including surges in oxytocin (known as a ‘bonding’ hormone).”  

                I didn’t know it at the time, but being in intimate contact with my children triggered the brain chemicals that are present in both males and females and can be stimulated if given enough time together. Dr. Hrdy concludes,

“For men, it turns out, have a different birthright from the one that I and many of my evolutionary colleagues have so long assigned them.”

                In standing up to a system that would deny fathers in the delivery room, I learned that it takes strength with heart, as my colleague Dr. Daniel Ellenberg describes it or being a compassionate warrior as another friend, Sean Harvey discusses in his book, Warrior Compassion: Unleashing the Healing Power of Men. It’s time for more men to stand up and embrace our birthright. We are needed now more than ever.

                I look forward to hearing from you. What are you own experiences nurturing young children? What support have your received? What resistance have you found from others or from your own early conditioning about what is “natural” for men?

                If you would like to read more articles like these, please visit me at www.MenAlive.com. You can subscribe to my free weekly newsletter here: https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/.

The post The Evolution of Manhood and the Emergence of Compassionate Warriors appeared first on MenAlive.

                Since I turned eighty-one years old in December 2024, I have been reflecting on what I’ve learned about being a man. As a sensitive and introverted child raised by a single mom I had no idea what it meant to be a man. I was clear about what a man should do–Get educated so I could catch an attractive woman, marry her, have kids, and become rich and famous.

                By the time I was thirty-five, I had graduated from U.C. Berkeley with a master’s degree in social work, had met and married my college sweetheart, was the proud father of a son and daughter, was earning good money, and was imagining the next steps to fame and fortune. I was also stressed, depressed, angry, and on the verge of divorce. I felt confused, lost, and discouraged.

                When I was at my lowest point, having intermittent thoughts of ending my life, I chanced to see a poster on a bulletin board that offered a tiny glimpse of hope.

“Men, come and share a day with other men and hear psychologist Herb Goldberg, author of The Hazards of Being Male.”

                Fifteen guys met on April 21, 1979 and heard Dr. Goldberg tell us that,

“The male has paid a heavy price for his masculine ‘privilege’ and power. He is out of touch with his emotions and his body. He is playing by the rules of the male game plan and with lemming-like purpose is destroying himself—emotionally, psychologically, and physically.”

                For the first time in my life I felt I was hearing the truth about the path I was on. By the end of the day one of the organizers, a tall handsome, teddy-bear of a man named Tom Sipes, invited those interested in continuing the group to meet at his house the following Wednesday. Ten guys came and agreed to begin meeting weekly. The group soon was reduced to seven and those seven guys have continued to meet for the last forty-six years.

                There were three guys younger than me and three guys older. We came from different backgrounds and experiences, but the thing we all had in common was this: We longed to be men, not the boymen we were pretending to be. We wanted a different direction than the one we were following and we knew that having a band of brothers could help us find our way.

                We met weekly, talked deeply, took risks to be vulnerable and real with our feelings and having the courage to share them with each other. I was encouraged to write my first book, Inside Out: Becoming My Own Man, which was published in 1983 right up to my seventeenth, Long Live Men! The Moonshot Mission to Heal Men, Close the Lifespan Gap, and Offer Hope to Humanity.

                We attended men’s gatherings with Robert Bly and others and read books including King, Warrior, Magician, Love: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine, by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette in which they contrast archetypes of “Boy Psychology” from “Man Psychology.”

                In their book King, Warrior, Magician, Love: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine, they offer these examples of boy psychology: 

• The ducking and diving political leader.
• The wife beater.
• The company “yes man.”
• The “holier than thou” minister.
• The gang member.
• The father who can never find the time to attend his daughter’s school program.
• The therapist who unconsciously attacks a clients’ “shining” and seeks a kind of gray normalcy for them.

“All these men have something in common,” say Moore and Gillette. “They are all boys pretending to be men. They got that way honestly, because nobody showed them what a mature man is like. Their kind of ‘manhood’ is a pretense to manhood that goes largely undetected as such by most of us. We are continually mistaking this man’s controlling, threatening, and hostile behavior for strength. In reality, he is showing an underlying extreme vulnerability and weakness, the vulnerability of the wounded boy.”

                I have recently written a series of articles, In Search of Mature Masculinity in a World of Wounded BoyMen that describes the world of “boys pretending to be men” and the kind of mature masculinity we all need in our lives.

The Two Archetypes of  Wounded Boys Pretending to Be Men

                Reflecting on my experiences in my own life, what I see with the thousands of boys and men I have counseled over the years, and what is reflected in our current government in the U.S., I see two dominant archetypes that underlie the behavior of Wounded Boys Pretending to Be Men:

                First is what Moore and Gillette describe as The Highchair Tyrant.

“The Highchair Tyrant,” say Moore and Gillette, “is epitomized by the image of Little Lord Fauntleroy sitting in his highchair, banging on the tray, and screaming for his mother to feed him, kiss him, and attend to him.”

                As an only child being raised by a single mom, I developed a lot of these tendencies in my own childhood. They also extended into my adult life in  my relationships with women and contributed to my two failed marriages. I was fortunate to get support to heal and grow up and have now been joyfully married to my wife, Carlin, for forty-five years.

“The Highchair Tyrant,” says Moore and Gillette, “hurts himself with his grandiosity—the limitlessness of his demands—because he rejects the very things that he needs for life: food and love.”

                Moore and Gillette summarize the following characteristics of The Highchair Tyrant:

• Arrogance (what the Greeks called hubris, or overwhelming pride).

• Childishness (in the negative sense).

• Irresponsibility, even to himself as a mortal being who has to meet his biological and psychological needs.

• The Highchair tyrant needs to learn that he is not the center of the universe and that the universe does not exist to fulfill his every need, or better put, his limitless needs, his pretentions to godhood.

                I suspect we can all recognize many of these characteristics in boys and men we know–from the centers of power in government to business leaders and males in our own families and communities.

                The second archetype of boy psychology described by Moore and Gillette is The Weakling Prince.

“The boy (and later the man) who is possessed by the Weakling Prince needs to be coddled, who dictates to those around him by his silent or his whining and complaining helplessness.”

                As adults, those possessed by the Weakling Prince archetype often become “Mr. Nice Guys.” Dr. Robert Glover, author of the book No More Mr. Nice Guy says,

“A Nice Guy is a man who believes he is not okay, just as he is. Due to both societal and familial conditioning, the Nice Guy is convinced he must become what he thinks others want him to be in order to be liked, loved, and get his needs met. He also believes that he must hide anything about himself that might trigger a negative response in others.”

He goes on to say, “This inauthentic and chameleon-like approach to life causes Nice Guys to feel frustrated, confused, and resentful. Subsequently, these men are often anything but nice. In fact, Nice Guys are generally dishonest, secretive, manipulative, controlling, self-centered, and passive-aggressive.”

                The historian, Ruth Ben-Ghiat, describes political leaders driven by boy psychology in her book, Strongmen: Mussolini to the Present.

“For ours is the age of authoritarian rulers: self-proclaimed saviors of the nation who evade accountability while robing their people of truth, treasure, and the protections of democracy. They use masculinity as a symbol of strength and a political weapon. Taking what you want, and getting away with it, becomes proof of male authority. They use propaganda, corruption, and violence to stay in power.”

The Compassionate Warrior: The Power of Mature Man Psychology

                I first heard the words  “compassionate” and “warrior” combined from Sean Harvey, author of the book Warrior Compassion: Unleashing the Healing Power of Men.

“When we combine the concepts of warrior and compassion, an energetic shift happens,”

says Harvey. He goes on to say,

“Compassion is most easily defined as the feeling or emotion when a person is moved by suffering or distress of another, and by the desire to relieve the suffering. Taking a step further, to be compassionate to others, we must begin by learning to become compassionate to ourselves.”

                Harvey describes the strength of the warrior spirit this way:

“The warrior archetype represents strength, courage, and the relentless pursuit of justice and honor. It embodies discipline, resilience, and unwavering determination to protect and defend what is most valued.”

                I shared a similar perspective in my book, The Warrior’s Journey Home: Healing Men, Healing the Planet, that was published in 1994. I drew on my experiences practicing Aikido and from books including Aikido and the New Warrior by one of my Aikido instructors, Richard Strozzi-Heckler.

                Chögyam Trungpa was a Tibetan Buddhist master and scholar. I quote his understanding of compassionate warriorship in my book, The Warrior’s Journey Home.

“Warriorship here,” said Trungpa, “does not refer to making war on others. Aggression is the source of our problems, not the solution.” He goes on to say, “Here the word ‘warrior’ is taken from the Tibetan pawo which literally means ‘one who is brave.’ Warriorship in this context is the tradition of human bravery, or the tradition of fearlessness. Warriorship is not being afraid of who you are.”

                For me, this captures the essence of The Compassionate Warrior and learning to become that kind of man is what we need to find in ourselves, in those we choose to lead us, and in a world dominated by angry, wounded boys, pretending to be men. If given a choice boys and men will choose this more powerful, caring, and compassionate way of being.

                Our organization, Moonshot for Mankind, brings together organizations that are dedicated to teaching, training, and guiding boys and men to achieve the qualities of mature masculinity, including how to become compassionate warriors.

                If you would like to learn more about my own work, please visit me at MenAlive.com. 

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