Mental Health

Part 2

            In Part 1, I shared my challenges with depression, the fact that the suicide rate for males is so much higher than it is for females, and how these realties have impacted men and their families. Here we will look more deeply into the underlying causes and potential solutions to this world-wide problem.

The Most Underappreciated Fact About Men and Why Males Are the Risk-Takers

            Dr. Roy Baumeister is one of the world’s leading social scientists. Understanding his work can better help us understand a lot about why men are the way they are and specifically why men are the risk-taking gender.

            Baumeister is the author of more than thirty books and four hundred scientific articles. In his groundbreaking book, Is There Anything Good About Men? How Cultures Flourish By Exploiting Men, he says,

“If evolutionary theory is right about anything, it’s right about reproduction. Nature will most favor traits that lead to success at reproducing. But for thousands of years, men and women have faced vastly different odds and problems in reproducing. On this basic task, women faced good odds of success, whereas men were born to face looming failure.”

            Given that all humans are mammals, there is a basic biological fact of life. It is the female who carries the baby in her womb and will always be 100% sure that any offspring carry her genes. Males can never be 100% certain, hence the truism, “mother’s baby, father’s maybe.” Further, through evolutionary history more females than males reproduced.

            Dr. Baumeister tells us that

“Of all the people who ever reached adulthood, maybe 80% of the women but only 40% of the men reproduced. Or perhaps the numbers 60% versus 30%. But one way or another, a woman’s odds of having a line of descendants down to the present were double those of males.”

            Baumeister goes on to say,

“That’s a stunning difference. Of all humans ever born, most women became mothers, but most men did not become fathers.”

The result is that throughout human history men became the risk-takers, competing with other men to be chosen by a woman to mate with him. Some successful males (think Genghis Kahn) fathered hundreds of children. Some men stuck out completely.

            Women’s motto became: “Life has handed you a good thing; don’t blow it. Play it safe.”

            Men’s motto was the opposite: “The odds are against you. Better take your chances.”

            Says Baumeister,

“That’s why we are descended from playing-it-safe women and risk-taking men.”

Help-Seeking vs. Risk-Taking, The Empathy Gap, and Implications for Male Suicide

            My father didn’t seek help with his depression until he was forced to do so and the help available at the time was inadequate. This is still true for many men today.

“Perhaps it is not surprising that, if there are large gender differences in risk-taking and protective behavior,”

says Dr. Martin Seager who we met in Part 1,

“there will also be correspondingly large gender differences in help-seeking. An individual or group that is more likely to take risks to protect others is also by definition less likely to seek help or self-protection.”

            As my father found, he was not only driven to take risks to work in a challenging profession in order to take care of his family, but this indication was supported and encouraged by the society at large.

“The evidence also indicates that society is correspondingly calibrated to expect this difference and is consequently less empathic towards male death and injury,”

says Seager.

“If this is the case, then it must follow logically that men will be on average more driven than females to take their own lives because of:

              a. A greater instinct to ignore personal safety and confront danger

              b. A greater instinct to protect others (and greater shame at failing to do so)

              c. A lower sense of entitlement to receive help or protection from others.”

Towards a More Scientific and Effective Approach to Reducing Male Suicide

            Dr. Seager’s approach offers importance guidance for clinicians as well for men and their families.

By simply allowing archetypal gender differences to be researched, understood, and honored, gender-specific solutions to male suicide can indeed be found. Here are some important points:

• Carl Jung talked of archetypal patterns evolved within the human species and shared within a “collective unconscious.”

• Jung’s thinking was clearly influenced by ancient Chinese conception of “Yin” and “Yang” in which femininity (one aspect of “Yin”) is seen along with masculinity (one aspect of “Yang”) as complementary system of opposites within the natural universe.

• Dr. Seager proposes the following simple and practical instinctual, evolutionary-based, male archetypes:

1. Fighting and winning.
2. Providing and protecting.
3. Maintaining mastery and self-control.

• These archetypes contribute to a sense of masculine identity, honor and strength. To the extent that a man feels these elements are missing, he will feel the opposite of masculine shame and failure.

            My own experiences and research has convinced me that men’s inherent proclivity to maintain emotional self-control helped men be successful hunters during the millions of years humans were hunter-gatherers. Men needed to fight potential threats from other men in order to protect our families. Men needed to take-risks in order to compete with other men in our own tribes so that we would be chosen by women. These evolutionary-based instincts are built-in and though they don’t control our behavior, we still make individual choices, they cannot be ignored.

            Calling masculinity “toxic” or blaming the “patriarchy” just serves to divide and alienate us. We create more conflict between left and right, males and females, Republicans and Democrats, Us and Them. We need more bridges not more walls.

            I met the internationally acclaimed scholar, futurist, and activist, Riane Eisler shortly after her book, The Chalice & the Blade was published in 1987. We have been friends and colleagues ever since. She said,

“Underlying the great surface diversity of human culture are two basic models of society. The first, which I call the dominator model, is what is popularly termed either patriarchy or matriarchy—the ranking of one half of humanity over the other. The second, in which social relations may best be described as the partnership model. In this model—beginning with the most fundamental difference in our species, between male and female—diversity is not equated with either inferiority or superiority.”

Why an Archetypal Approach to Male Depression and Suicide Works Better

            For some clinicians, men’s innate desire to fight and win, to protect women and children, and to control our emotions, are seen as “toxic” or “harmful.” They try and encourage men to change and express themselves in different ways. Dr. Seager’s approach is different:

            “If we assume that men on average are more likely than women to be driven to ‘fight, protect’ and ‘retain mastery/self-control,’ then it is clear that trying to encourage men collectively to ‘open up, be vulnerable’ and ‘seek help’ potentially violates deep-rooted masculine instincts. Such an approach may even increase a sense of masculine shame and failure.”

            Dr. Seager concludes that we have a choice between two divergent approaches:

• Socially challenging and reconstructing masculine behavior and masculinity itself as a negative stereotype through educational methods with the aim of teaching males to seek help and share emotions more openly (i.e. change masculinity).

• Changing the social attitudes and responses of society towards men and boys to create more empathy for masculinity as a positive part of the human spectrum, while providing male-friendly services for men and boys that both honors the male archetype and offer new and better ways of expressing it (i.e. change society).

            In advocating for the second of the two approaches, Dr. Seager says,

“I am saddened that our profession seems to be no better than the rest of society in being blind to the fact that men and boys also have needs and problems arising from their gender. Raising this subject always incurs unreasoned resistance and even at times hostility. This in itself shows the need to keep promoting the issue.”

            My father was fortunate to have survived a health-care system based on the first approach that never worked for him, he finally found his way to one that accepted his inherent drive to take risks in support of his family. I wrote about his journey in my book, My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound and an article, “My Father’s Stay at God’s Hotel: A Slow-Medicine Approach to Healing Mental Illness.”

The Moonshot For Mankind: Male-Positive Programs For Men and Their Families

            I launched MenAlive in following the birth of our first son, Jemal, on November 21, 1969 and our daughter Angela, on March 22, 1972. Fifty years ago, there were very few programs that focused on men’s mental, emotional, and relational health. Now there are many. Three years ago I invited a number of colleagues who I knew were offering new and effective approaches for helping men to join me in creating a central hub for the thousands of organizations that are now available.

            Come visit us at our website, MoonshotForMankind.org. Here are a few of the organizations that have joined our movement:

            ManTherapy.org: Man Therapy is an evidence-based, decades-long, multidisciplinary effort to break though stigma, improve help-seeking behavior and reduce male suicide. And they’ve got the stats to back it up. Learn more here.

            MenLiving.org: MenLiving delivers programs and experiences to help create a world of healthy, intentional, connected men who can heal and thrive. Learn more here.

            Men and Boys Compassion Initiative (MBCI) is an international movement to help men and boys cultivate their compassionate selves. This also requires the cultivation of courage and wisdom to heal the male crisis of disconnection.

            You can learn more about the work of Martin Seager at the Centre For Male Psychology.

            We need more programs for men that are evolutionary-archetypally informed. You can learn more at MenAlive.com and MoonshotForMankind.org. If you like articles like these, I invite you to become a subscriber.

The post Homecoming: An Evolutionary Approach for Healing Depression and Preventing Suicide appeared first on MenAlive.

I have been a marriage and family counselor for more than fifty years. I have written seventeen books and thousands of articles about love and marriage, but this may be the most important article you will ever read. If you visit my website you will see my welcome video “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor.” The bad news is that divorce is painful when it happens once, even more so when it happens twice. The good news is that for Carlin and me, the “third time” was the charm. We have now been happily married for 45 years.

            The even better news is that this article and podcast will introduce you to John Schinnerer and Joree Rose. Dr. John Schinnerer coaches men to perform at their peak from the boardroom to the bedroom. He was an expert consultant for Pixar’s movie Inside Out. Joree Rose, MA, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, transformation coach, mindfulness and meditation teacher, author, speaker, and she also leads mindfulness retreats around the world.

            Together they offer something you won’t find anywhere else—the secrets for having a successful marriage that lasts a lifetime. It is rare for a marriage and family counselor to tell potential clients that there is someone else who can offer something more valuable and helpful than what he has to offer, but that is what I’m doing.

            John and Joree offer support to men, women, and couples. It is the kind of help and support I wish was available to me before I struggled with two marriages that led to two divorces. And you don’t have to wait until your marriage is in trouble to benefit from what John and Joree offer.

            You can get a good feel about who they are and what they offer by watching the podcast interview I did recently. Here are some additional words of wisdom that they have to share. Here are a few of the most important tools of practice from Joree and John for those who want to have THE ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP:

• NAME / DON’T BLAME what you’re feeling in the moment. Practice using “I” statements, rather than “You” statements…and practice communicating with curiosity and compassion; it’ll decrease defensiveness and increase connection and understanding. Say: “I feel unimportant when you don’t look up from your phone when I am telling you about my day.” Don’t say: “You are always ignoring me!” *Hint: It’s not an “I” statement to say, “I feel like you’re always ignoring me.” That sounds like naming, when in actuality, it’s blaming.

• ALLOW AND ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER’S EMOTIONS. Once you start limiting, denying, resisting or judging your partner’s emotional expression, disconnection follows. You don’t have to agree with or feel the same as your partner for you to create space for what they are feeling.

• MAKE GRATITUDE AND APPRECIATION A DAILY HABIT. It can be about anything your partner does – tasks or chores, their values, morals or ethics; let them know you value them for it all! Be grateful for even the smallest of things.

• DOING SMALL THINGS OFTEN for your partner is the key to building a strong relationship. Leave a note for them, rub their feet at the end of the day, make dinner reservations, take out the garbage without being asked…even the smallest task can go a long way. Creating a ratio of 5:1, positive to negative, will help you master your relationship.

• BE CURIOUS ABOUT WHO YOUR PARTNER IS IN THE HERE AND NOW. Realize that you’ve both grown since the beginning of your relationship and show interest in learning about those changes. When you first starting dating you’d ask a lot of questions – what they like, dislike, dreams, hopes, expectations…just because you’ve been together a long time doesn’t mean you should make assumptions that you know who they are. They (and you!) have likely changed over time. Inquire, without attachment, to how they think, and be open to hearing it, especially if it’s different than how you think.

            This is an important point. My wife, Carlin, and I have taken this a step further. We recognize that in a marriage both partners change over time and we need to refresh and update our commitments as things change. Carlin and I get remarried every 15 years. We actually decide if we want to marry this person, as though it was a new relationship. We think hard about who we are and want in a marriage partner. We have now been married three more times since we first got married 45 years ago.

• KNOW YOUR, AND YOUR PARTNER’S, LOVE LANGUAGE. These are the ways in which we know that we, or our partner, are loved. The five love languages are: physical touch, quality time, receiving gifts, words of affirmation, and acts of service. Many partners don’t share the same love language, and we often give what we most want, and it may end up having the opposite effect for our partner.

• COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS ACCURATELY. When asking your partner for something, know the difference between an invitation, request or demand. An invitation allows for a yes/no answer, without judgment. A request is asking your partner for something that is based on your value set. A demand just tells them what to do. The best way to get your needs met is with a request.

• KNOW, AND UNAPOLOGETICALLY NAME, YOUR NEEDS AND BOUNDARIES. Don’t be afraid to tell your partner what you need from them; remember, they can’t read your mind. For example, if you would like them to plan date nights, be explicit about it. If you have the need to talk on a deeper level, don’t feel “too needy” for expressing what will make you feel more seen, heard, validated or connected. And don’t apologize for what you need – own it!

• MAKE REPAIR ATTEMPTS. After you’ve had an argument, conflict, or misunderstanding, you need to make repairs to get unstuck, heal, and reconnect. Stepping towards one another can be done in a variety of ways: soft, compassionate touch (a hug, touch on the arm), offer an apology, be curious how the other is feeling, seek understanding that lead to the transgression, engage in a joint activity, sit next to one another, inquire what your partner needs to feel resolved, etc… Even if you don’t feel like it, and your overwhelming emotions are still activated, make the repair attempt anyways; it’ll help you to move past the issue quicker.

• RESPOND TO BIDS FOR ATTENTION. When your partner seeks your attention, respond by acknowledging them. For example: put down your phone; look up; make eye contact; answer the question; pause on what you are doing; comment on what they are showing you; show interest. When you are busy, you can still acknowledge by saying, “I see that you want to show me _________, and I’ll be happy to take a look in a minute when I finish __________.” When our bids consistently go unacknowledged, the message received is that our partner doesn’t care, and they will likely shut down and stop trying.

            John and Joree offer a lot more. You can visit them at their home website:

https://loveisntenough.net/. Tell them Dr. Jed recommended you drop by. You will be glad you did.

            If you’d like to come visit me, I hang out at https://menalive.com/. If you like articles like these and want to learn about my latest programs for men, women, and couples, feel free to subscribe to my free newsletter here.

The post Love Isn’t Enough: The Secrets for Having a Successful Marriage That Lasts a Lifetime appeared first on MenAlive.

Part 1

            Depression and suicide have been my companions as far back as I can remember. I was five years old when my mid-life father took an overdose of sleeping pills. Though he didn’t die our lives were never the same. I grew up wondering what happened to my father, when it would happen to me, and what I could do to prevent it from happening to other families.

            In an article, “Being Bipolar: Living and Loving in a World of Fire and Ice,” I described my own mental health challenges and healing journey.  In my book, The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression, I shared my research and clinical experience that convinced me that men and women are different in ways they deal with depression and aggression in their lives and in other ways as well.

            Depression and suicide are not just problems for men, but there is something about being male that increases our risk of dying by suicide. According to recent statistics from the National Institute of Mental Health, the suicide rate among males is, on average, 4 times higher (22.8 per 100,000) than among females (5.7 per 100,000) and at every age the rate is higher among males than females:

Even during our youth where suicide rates are relatively low, males are still more likely to die by suicide than are females. It is also clear to me as my wife and I move into our 80s, we face many challenges as we age, but it is older males who more often end their lives by suicide with rates 8 to 17 times higher than for females.    

            In my book, My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound, I describe my father’s slide into depression and the despair that increased when he couldn’t find work. As a writer, he wrote regular entries in his journals. I still feel the pain as I re-read them and feel his increasing shame when he couldn’t support his family:

            July 3rd:

“Oh, Christ, if I can only give my son a decent education—a college decree with a love for books, a love for people, good, solid knowledge. No guidance was given to me. I slogged and slobbered and blundered through two-thirds of my life.”

            July 24th:

“Edie dear, Johnny dear, I love you so much, but how do I get the bread to support you? The seed of despair is part of my heritage. It lies sterile for months and then it gnaws until its bitter fruit chokes my throat and swells in me like a large goiter blacking out room for hopes, dreams, joy, and life itself.”

            August 8th:

“Sunday morning, my humanness has fled, my sense of comedy has gone down the drain. I’m tired, hopelessly tired, surrounded by an immense brick wall, a blood-spattered brick world, splattered with my blood, with the blood of my head where I senselessly banged to find an opening, to find one loose brick, so I could feel the cool breeze and could stick out my hand and pluck a handful of wheat, but this brick wall is impregnable, not an ounce of mortar loosens, not a brick gives.”

            September 8th:

“Your flesh crawls, your scalp wrinkles when you look around and see good writers, established writers, writers with credits a block long, unable to sell, unable to find work, Yes, it’s enough to make anyone, blanch, turn pale and sicken.”

            October 24th:

“Faster, faster, faster, I walk. I plug away looking for work, anything to support my family. I try, try, try, try, try. I always try and never stop.”

            November 12th:

“A hundred failures, an endless number of failures, until now, my confidence, my hope, my belief in myself, has run completely out. Middle aged, I stand and gaze ahead, numb, confused, and desperately worried. All around me I see the young in spirit, the young in heart, with ten times my confidence, twice my youth, ten times my fervor, twice my education. I see them all, a whole army of them, battering at the same doors I’m battering, trying in the same field I’m trying. Yes, on a Sunday morning in November, my hope and my life stream are both running desperately low, so low, so stagnant, that I hold my breath in fear, believing that the dark, blank curtain is about to descend.”

            Four days later, he took an overdose of sleeping pills and spent seven years in a mental hospital receiving “treatment” until the day he escaped. The book has a happy ending, but it took a long time to get there.

            I share what I have learned over the years in an on-line course, “Healing the Family Father Wound.”  I recently read a chapter in the book, The Palgrave Handbook of Male Psychology and Mental Health edited by J.A. Barry, et al., by Martin Seager, titled “From Stereotypes to Archetypes: An Evolutionary Perspective on Male Help-Seeking and Suicide,” that adds some important pieces to the puzzle and added to my understanding of male depression and suicide and how we can more effectively help men and their families.

An Evolutionary Understanding of Male Psychology

            “In our current age it is unfashionable to think of human gender as connected with our biology and evolution,”

says Dr. Seager.

“Gender is currently thought of primarily as a social construct, a theory that carries assumptions that gender can be fluid, molded by education or even chosen as a part of a lifestyle. Gender is increasingly seen as a collection of disposable social stereotypes, separate from and unrelated to biological sex.”

            Dr. Seager goes on to say,

“This hypothesis is bad science and even worse philosophy…When held up against the anthropological and cross-cultural evidence, a social constructionist theory of gender cannot explain clearly observable and universal patterns of male and female behavior.”

            I agree with Dr. Seager and have long held that we cannot understand or help men, or women, without recognizing our biological roots in the animal kingdom. In my book, 12 Rules For Good Men, Rule #4 is “Embrace Your Billion Year History of Maleness.” I introduce the chapter with a quote from cultural historian Thomas Berry.

“The natural world is the largest sacred community to which we belong. To be alienated from this community is to become destitute in all that makes us human.”

            I also say in the book that all humans are also mammals and we cannot understand men without recognizing that fact. Dr. Seager agrees.

“Human beings are evolved mammals and they have never stopped being so,”

says Seager.

“Whatever social, cultural and political structures are placed upon us as humans, these cannot erase our mammalian heritage and indeed are constructed upon and shaped by that heritage, though not determined or defined by it.”

            Dr. Seager goes on to say,

“Globally, across all human tribes or societies and throughout all known history and pre-history, allowing for inevitable variation across a spectrum, there are universal patterns of male and female behavior in the human species.”

            Based on the most massive study of human mating ever undertaken, encompassing more than 10,000 people of all ages from thirty-seven cultures worldwide, evolutionary psychologist Dr. David Buss found that there are two human natures, one male and one female. In his book, The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating, Dr. David Buss explains the evolutionary roots of what men and women want and explains why their desires differ so radically.

            “Within human beings perhaps the most obvious universal patterns of sexual differences are: Female: (1) Beauty, attraction and glamour (Including body adornment) and (2) Bearing and nurturance of new-born infants and young children. Male: (1) Physical protection (strength) and (2) Risk-taking,”

says Dr. Seager.

            Dr. Seager goes on to say,

“In all human cultures throughout history and prehistory there is consistent and incontestable evidence of males taking high levels of risk to protect and provide for their family, tribe, and community or nation either collectively as bands of hunters and warriors or as individuals.”

            Some view male risk-taking as foolhardy, immature, self-destructive, and harmful to women and children as well as men themselves. But both Dr. Seager and I recognize that protecting women and children and risk-taking behavior are archetypal, instinctual, positive, and evolutionarily important for survival strategies.

            In the second part of this series, we will continue our exploration of ways we can improve our understanding of male depression and suicide and how we can be more effective in helping men and their families.

            You can learn more about the work of Martin Seager at the Centre For Male Psychology.

We need more programs for men that are evolutionary-archetypally informed. You can learn more at MenAlive.com and MoonshotForMankind.org. If you like articles like these, I invite you to become a subscriber.

The post Homecoming: An Evolutionary Approach for Healing Depression and Preventing Suicide appeared first on MenAlive.

Part 5 —Male Menopause: Speaking Out About the Unspeakable Passage

This is the 5^th in a series of articles on the Future of Men’s Mental Health. In Part 1, I addressed the questions, “Men and Mental Health, What Are We Missing?” Part 2 focused on the way that “Mental Health Crises Are Putting Everyone at Risk.” In Part 3, I explored Gender-Specific Healing and Man Therapy. In Part 4, I shared Recent Research From Leading Neuroscientists.

            The title of the first chapter of my book, Male Menopause, was titled, “Putting the Men Back in Menopause.” I detailed my initial explorations this way:

“When I began researching this book, I was skeptical about the concept of ‘male menopause.’ I had been a therapist for over thirty years and had worked with thousands of midlife men and women. Is there really a change of life that men go through?”

            I went on to describe my encounter with one of the earliest proponents of male menopause, the writer Gail Sheehy.

“While browsing through my local bookstore, I was drawn to a copy of Vanity Fair magazine. Well, to be absolutely honest, I was drawn to the cover photo of  Sharon Stone, nude to the waist, with her hands cupping, but only partially covering, her breasts. Sharon was staring seductively into the eyes of the reader, with two-inch letters emblazoned across her bare midriff proclaiming, ‘WILD THING!’ I was sure there was something important Sharon had to tell me.”

            I went on to say,

“However, I never read the article to find out, because just to the left of Sharon’s blond hair, right below the April 1993 dateline, were the words that grabbed me by the throat (actually a bit farther south than my throat)—‘Male Menopause: The Unspeakable Passage by Gail Sheehy.’ Those words spoke in a quiet but insistent voice.”

            Male Menopause was published in 1997 and soon became an international best-seller. It has since been translated into more than fifteen foreign languages. My follow up book, Surviving Male Menopause: A Guide for Women and Men, was published in 2000. There continues to be a great deal of confusion and controversy surrounding the whole concept of what goes on at mid-life for men. As Sheehy recognized in the 1993 article,

“If menopause is the silent passage, ‘male menopause’ is the unspeakable passage. It is fraught with secrecy, shame, and denial. It is much more fundamental than the ending of the fertile period of a woman’s life, because it strikes at the core of what it is to be a man.”

            I was one of the early researchers who was speaking out about Male Menopause (also called Andropause or Manopause). Here are a few of the important things I’ve learned over the years and have shared in my books and articles.

What is Male Menopause?

            Male Menopause begins with hormonal, physiological, and chemical changes that occur in all men generally between the ages of forty and fifty-five, though it can occur as early as thirty-five or as late as sixty-five. These changes affect all aspects of a man’s life. Male Menopause is, thus, a physical condition with psychological, interpersonal, social, and spiritual dimensions.

What is The Purpose of Male Menopause?

            “The purpose of Male Menopause is to signal the end of the first part of a man’s life and prepare him for the second half. Male Menopause is not the beginning of the end, as many fear, but the end of the beginning. It is the passage to the most passionate, powerful, productive, and purposeful time of a man’s life.”

What Are The Most Common Symptoms of Male Menopause?

• Loss of libido and sexual desire, particularly with the partner you are with.
• Increased fantasy about having sex with others.
• Difficulty developing and maintaining erections.
• Increased irritability and anger.
• Taking longer to recover from injuries and illness.
• Having less endurance for physical activity.
• Increased anxiety and worry.
• Loss of self-confidence and joy.

What Are Common Life Changes Associated with Male Menopause?

• Hormone levels are dropping, particularly testosterone.
• Sexual vigor is diminishing.
• Children are leaving.
• Parents are dying.
• Job horizons are narrowing.
• Friends are dying or getting serious illnesses.
• Martha Weinman Lear, writing in the New York Times Magazine summed it up this way.

“The past floods by in a fog of hopes unrealized, opportunities not grasped, women not bedded, potentials not fulfilled, and the future is a confrontation with one’s own mortality.”

            Over the years, I have found two common extreme views: (1) Male Menopause doesn’t exist.            Only women go through a hormonally driven change of life. (2) If men do go through a change, it is only a hormonal change, and can be “cured” by giving  men supplemental testosterone.

            I’ve learned that neither of these views are true. Men do experience a change of life, whether we call it Male Menopause, Andropause, or Manopause. I called it Male Menopause because I believe there are more similarities than differences between what women and men experience. I also believe, as does, Gail Sheehy, that it is much more complex than simply a loss of hormones and

“It is much more fundamental than the ending of the fertile period of a woman’s life, because it strikes at the core of what it is to be a man.”

Surviving Male Menopause Together. How Can Couples Navigate the Change of Life?

            After Male Menopause was published and become an international best-seller with 15 foreign editions, I received letters from women all over the world asking questions about the relational aspects of what men go through. I wrote the book Surviving Male Menopause: A Guide for Women and Men to answer questions including the following:

• How does male menopause differ from the midlife crisis?
• Why do men have affairs at this time of life?
• What are the best methods for treating erectile dysfunction?
• Why do menopausal men act so much like adolescent boys?
• What can a woman do to help a man get through male menopause?

Is There Anything Good About Male Menopause?

            Like so many complex aspects of life, when we try to oversimplify things, we lose the very essence of what we are trying to study. When we deny the reality of a “male change of life” and reduce it to a “midlife crisis” or simply see the change in medical terms, we give men few options.

            For most of human existence our lifespan was quite limited to around forty years. Men and women rarely lived long enough to experience a “change of life.” Life was a climb up a mountain and we reached the peak when we were in our 20s and had produced children to keep our species going. Then, it was a quick decline down the mountain once the children were old enough to survive.

            But now humans can live into our 80s, 90s, and beyond. Now there is another mountain to climb and what we call Male Menopause is simply the transition to the second mountain. If top of the first mountain is called “Adulthood,” the peak of the second mountain, is “Super-Adulthood” or “Elderhood.” That is why I say that

“Male Menopause is not the beginning of the end, as many fear, but the end of the beginning.”

Too Many Men Are Dying Before Their Time

            These are confusing and challenging times for most people, but particularly for men. It has been said that “Old age is not for sissies.” While many men are embracing the later years, too many are losing hope and giving up. The suicide rate for men is much higher than the rate for women and gets even worse the older we get.

            Take a look at this chart from the Centers for Disease Control (CDC):

Suicide rate among adults age 55 and older, by age group and sex: United States, 2021

We see the men’s death rates on the left and women’s on the right for four different age groups. It is clear that death by suicide is a huge problem for men as we age. The male/female ratio for ages between 55 and 85+ are almost 5 times higher for males. This is a tragedy and a crisis. Clearly older men are feeling pressures that women do not experience and are losing hope for a better future. This needs to change.  

Welcome to the Second Mountain and an Expanded Understanding of Midlife and Aging

            My friend and colleague, Chip Conley, is transforming our understanding of midlife and what we can look forward to as we prepare for and climb the second mountain of life. Says Conley, “The midlife crisis is the butt of many jokes, but this long-derided life stage has an upside.” In his new book, Learning to Love Midlife: 12 Reasons Why Life Gets Better with Age, he expands our vision.

“What if we could reframe our thinking about the natural transition of midlife not as a crisis, but as a chrysalis: a time when something profound awakens in us, as we shed our skin, spread our wings, and pollinate the world with our wisdom?“

            We know midlife and aging is not all sweetness and light. It isn’t easy letting go of old ways that no longer work for us. We all know what happens to the caterpillar. As Conley reminds us,

“When it is fully grown, it uses a button of silk to fasten its body to a twig and then forms a chrysalis. Within this protective chrysalis, the transformational magic of metamorphosis occurs. While it’s a bit dark, gooey, and solitary, it’s a transition, not a crisis. And, of course, on the other side is a beautiful, winged butterfly.”

            You can learn more about Chip’s work and his book on his website, https://chipconley.com/

Learning About Men’s Health, Male Menopause, and How to Live Well in the Second Half of Life

            There is a lot we need to learn about life in the second half. Chip Conley suggest that there are three stages of midlife:

• Early midlife (Age 35-50)

            During early midlife we tend to experience some of the challenging physical and emotional transitions—a bit like an adult puberty. We realize we are no longer young, but not yet old.

• The second stage of midlife (50-59)

            This is the core of midlife in our fifties when we’ve settled into this new era and are seeing some of the upside. We begin to see opportunities for growth and finding passions we never knew we had.

• Later midlife (60-75)

            We are still young enough to see and plan for what’s next, our senior years. Says Chip,

“At 63, I am just getting acquainted with this third stage, but I do know it’s also when our body reminds us it doesn’t want to be forgotten.”

            I turned 80 last December and am well into the stage of Eldership. It’s a time where we are called to share what we know and have learned over our lifespan. Three years ago I started the MenAlive Academy for Gender-Specific Healthcare. The Academy offer programs for both men and women who want to learn about the unique mental, emotional, and relational issues that men face. It also offers programs for healthcare providers who are working with men and their families.

            As my colleague Marianne J. Legato, M.D., Founder of the Foundation for Gender-Specific Medicine says,

“Everywhere we look, the two sexes are startingly and unexpectedly different not only in their normal function but in the ways they experience illness.”

            If you would like more information about the MenAlive Academy for Gender-Specific Healthcare, drop me a note to Jed@MenAlive.com and put “MenAlive Academy” in the subject line. If you’d like to read more articles like these, I invite you to subscribe to our free weekly newsletter.

The post The Future of Men’s Mental Health appeared first on MenAlive.

Too many marriages are failing today and even trained marriage counselors don’t know why. I have been a marriage and family therapist for more than fifty years and the headline on my website “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor” introduces you to what I’ve learned in my own life and what I have done to help thousands of men and women recognize that divorce is not the answer. Spoiler alert: My present wife Carlin and I have been married for 45 years now and our love grows stronger every year.

            I could write a lot and tell you the full story, but I’m guessing you’d appreciate my getting right to the point and telling you what the time bomb is and the secret for defusing it.

            The hidden bomb causes changes in our brains when we grow up with a “father wound” and the secret for defusing it is to change the false beliefs that were planted in our brains that undermine our relationships.

            Although this deadly time bomb can explode at any time in a marriage, mid-life couples are particularly vulnerable. Susan L. Brown is Director of The National Center for Family & Marriage Research. In a recent article, “The Graying of Divorce: A Half Century of Change,” she offers the following facts:

• People over 50 are divorcing in record-breaking numbers, and three to four-family generations feel the effects.

• 1 in 4 persons who divorce in the U.S. is over 50, contrasted to less than

1 in 10 in 1990.

• As the divorce rate for adults over 50 soars, so does the number of adult children experiencing parental divorce.

• In their book Second Chances: Men, Women and Children a Decade After Divorce, Sandra Blakeslee and Judith S. Wallerstein tell us, “Divorce is deceptive. Legally it is a single event, but psychologically it is a chain – sometimes a never-ending chain – of events, relocations, and radically shifting relationships strung through time, a process that forever changes the lives of the people involved.”

Understanding and Healing The Family Father Wound

            Although I had written a number of books that helped me understand what causes relationships to fall apart, including international best-sellers including Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places, Surviving Male Menopause, The Irritable Male Syndrome, and The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why the Best is Still to Come, it wasn’t until I tackled the “father wound” that the final pieces of the puzzle fell into place.

            In my book, My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound, I say,

“There is one problem that surpasses all others in its impact on men, women, and society. It is the father wound. We focus on the importance of mothers in determining the well-being of children. Without the support of their fathers, men become disconnected from their true selves, feeling that others are controlling their lives. The father wound may be the most pervasive, most important, and least recognized problem facing men and their families today. The father wound isn’t restricted to men. Women also suffer from the father wound.”

            As I recount in the book, my father wound began early. Like many men, my mid-life father had become increasingly depressed when he couldn’t make a living to support his family. Although there were many system problems that led to his losing his job, he blamed himself and felt like he was a failure as a husband and a father. When I was five years old, he took an overdose of sleeping pills.

            Fortunately, he didn’t die. He was committed to the state mental hospital, where the “treatment” of the time was inadequate at best and his condition worsened. I grew up wondering what happened to my father, when it would happen to me, and what I could do to prevent it from happening to other families.

            According to the National Center for Fathering,

“More than 20 million children live in a home without the physical presence of a father. Millions more have dads who are physically present, but emotionally absent. If it were classified as a disease, fatherlessness would be an epidemic worthy of attention as a national emergency.”

            I grew up believing that there was something wrong with me, that somehow I was responsible for my father’s depression and suicide attempt. We now know that “Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)” including the loss of parental support can impact our brain chemistry and the ways we perceive ourselves and our world.

            As I was writing the book, My Distant Dad, I thought I had healed my own father wound and could now share what I learned with others. One of those who found my book helpful was Iyanla Vanzant, the world-renowned spiritual teacher and thought leader, and host of Iyanla Fix My Life on the Oprah Winfrey Network. She said,

“Millions of us grew in a home with a father who was distant, absent, rejecting, or dysfunctional. Jed Diamond’s magnificent healing journey offers us a story of hope, reconciliation, and redemption where we can finally come to peace with our father wound and find real lasting love in our lives.”

            It wasn’t until the book was nearly complete that I realized there was another father wound that was missing. I knew my mother’s father, John, had died when she was five years old (the same age I was when my father went into the mental hospital, but she never talked about when happened or how it impacted her life.

            The wound she never dealt with caused her to marry and divorce three times. I believe, like many, she was “looking for love in all the wrong places,” always searching for the father she had lost, but never realizing it. Like many women she had an unhealthy emotional attachment to me, her son, and was never able to have a successful, long-term marriage.”

            I realized that all the women I had loved the most had suffered from having a father wound: My first wife’s father died when she was seven years old. My second wife’s father couldn’t handle her developing womanhood and totally distanced from her when she moved into puberty. Even my present wife, Carlin, lost her father through divorce.

            Whether you’re a man or a woman I think we all can resonate with the words of fatherhood expert Roland Warren. “Kids have a hole in their soul in the shape of their dad. And if a father is unwilling or unable to fill that role, it can leave a wound that is not easily healed.”

            Of course the healing and defusing of the bomb takes time. I have developed a program that I use with my private clients. You can learn about it and get the course here.

            There is another course that is excellent called “How to Diffuse the Divorce Bomb,” developed by Steve Horsmon, founder of Good Guys to Great Men. You can check out that course here.

            I write a new article every week for those who are part of our MenAlive community. If you are not a subscriber, you can become one here.

The post The Hidden Time Bomb That Will Destroy Your Marriage and The Secret for Defusing It appeared first on MenAlive.

A new documentary film, Sensitive Men Rising (SMR), is turning its lens to the billion men who have largely been hidden in the shadows. Thanks to the breakthrough that we now know as “sensory processing sensitivity” (SPS) —popularly known as “high sensitivity“— we know men can play a pivotal role in changing the face and times of masculinity as a force for good in the world.

            According to the film’s director, Will Harper,

“Sensitive Men Rising, is a long overdue socially significant film that invites all of us on an emotional, educational, and life-enlightening passage. It asks us ALL to deepen our understanding of sensory processing sensitivity in men, and how it intersects with traditional and modern-day masculinity.”

            The film’s producer, Dr. Tracy Cooper, author of the book, Empowering the Sensitive Male Soul, says,

“Highly Sensitive People (HSP) seem to ignore the cultural programming we are all exposed to and, instead prefer to work out original solutions.”

Prior to the release of the film, June 16, 2024 (Father’s Day), Dr. Cooper interviewed me about my own work with Highly Sensitive Men.

            I also had the good fortune to meet, William Allen, author of the book, On Being a Sensitive Man, and host of an HSP Men’s Monthly Zoom Meeting. My own men’s group has been meeting for 44 years now. I was excited to learn that Bill is gathering men together from all over the world. You can learn more at TheSensitiveMan.com.

            I’ve always known I was a highly sensitive boy growing up, but I never had a name for it until I read Dr. Elaine Aron’s book, The Highly Sensitive Person, originally published in 1996, with the revised and updated 25^th Anniversary Edition, in 2020.Based on the research that she and her husband, Dr. Arthur Aron, had conducted, Dr. Aron says,

“Over twenty percent of people have this amazing, innate trait. A similar percentage is found in over 100 animal species, because high sensitivity is a survival strategy.”

            In a recent article, “How Are Highly Sensitive Men Different?” Dr. Aron says,

“As some of you know, I have a special place in my heart for highly sensitive men. I really do like them. That is part of why I want to see this movie made about them. But what makes them different from other HSPs or other men?”

            Just as her research findings demonstrated that “high sensitivity” is a biologically-based trait present not only in human beings but other species as well, she recognizes that “male sensitivity” also has biological roots.

“First, Highly Sensitive Males (HSMs) develop under the influence of male genes, the main factor being testosterone. Gender spectrum aside, almost all HSMs (and men in general) are clearly biologically male.”

            Dr. Aron goes on to say that these issues are complex and we will learn more over time, yet there are things that we can say now.

“Of course, male and female behavior is such that many men do some things women normally do and vice versa, but hormones have to make HSMs and HSWs different in some ways. How do hormones interact with sensitivity?  We do not know yet, but they surely do, and we need to learn about it. Maybe that’s phase two of the research.”

            Dr. Aron also recognizes the importance of understanding evolutionary realities as we seek to work with this important, biologically, based trait.

“Looking back at the evolution of male behavior we know sensitivity works enough to be present in 20 or even 30% of the population and in equal numbers in men and women. That means HSMs have been successful at reproducing themselves, but how?”

            She goes on to say,

“When you know that you are highly sensitive, it reframes your life. Knowing that you have this trait will enable you to make better decisions.”

Early in my life, I always felt my sensitivity made me different from most of my male peers. Now, as a father of five, grandfather of seventeen, and great grandfather of two, I realize I’m part of a select group of males who have a larger calling in life.

            Based on her own research and that of others, she suggests that we look to the unique ways in which men are engaged with their children.

“We know human males evolved into a strategy found in some birds and in some other mammals, which is staying around after mating to help raise their own young. This method of seeing their DNA go on to the next generation contrasts sharply with simply mating as often as possible with as many females as possible and not staying around after.”

            If we weren’t highly sensitive before we had children, being an involved father will definitely bring out the best in us.

Bottom Line: Highly Sensitive Men Have S.T.Y.L.E.

            Dr. Aron gives us a simple acronym to summarize how this unique trait of High Sensitivity manifests itself in men.

• S for strategic, or depth of processing in action, since males must act and keep an eye on other males, especially those who are more aggressive.

• T for testosterone—you cannot explain an HSM by thinking he is more “feminine.”

• Y  for wise yielding—to live to fight (better) another day and in another way, and yielding as in “high yield” investments.  (Yielding can be misperceived as weakness, but it isn’t at all—as when in the martial arts, especially judo [or Aikido], you use the other’s attack to defeat them almost effortlessly while preserving your own mental and physical energy.)

• L  for leadership—either among people or becoming leaders in their fields, in the arts, science, business, athletics, or any field they endeavor, using their unique STYLE.

• E for Empathy, which can be used in close relationships and leadership, but also in knowing, for strategic purposes, what others are up to, sometimes even before they know.

Examples of Highly Sensitive Males

            As Dr. Aron notes, there are a lot of examples we could refer to among the more than 1 billion Highly Sensitive Men in the world today. She offers one example from a Netflix series. Here’s what she has to say:

            “It’s no secret that I like Star Trek, all iterations except the sexist first one, but it’s not so much the science fiction. I like that all the main characters are good people–heroic, kind, etc. I only watch TV while doing my floor exercises every other day, but after watching Star Trek for so many years that I know what happens in every episode, I needed an alternative. 

            “Netflix kindly showed me other things I might like, given my liking for Star Trek, so I tried Designated Survivor.  I was instantly hooked.  It is a relentless thriller, which I would never normally watch and do not recommend for other HSPs. So why was I watching?

            “The show is about U.S. politics–this quiet guy, never interested in power or fame, becomes President after EVERYBODY in the government (even the Supreme Court) is killed in a huge bombing during the State of the Union address. 

            “It turns out this “designated survivor,” played by the actor, Kiefer Sutherland, and many of those around him, inspired by him, are unfailingly good and wise, in every situation, just like the crews of Enterprise. I was hooked, even though I am overstimulated by every episode. It was great to see Highly Sensitive Men in positions of power, even if only in a T.V. drama.”

            I had watched the series and found engaging from the first episode where the Kiefer Sutherland character stands up to a hot-headed general who wants to take immediate action before he knows all the facts, a great example of healthy male leadership. After having watched Sensitive Men Rising, I had a new appreciation for the importance of sensitive male leadership. We definitely need a U.S. President who displays the quality of high sensitivity.

 Sensitive Men Rising: The Peaceful Warriors We Need in the World Today

            A few of the real-life Highly Sensitive Men I have admired in my life include:

• The Dalai Lama
• Mahatma Gandhi
• Martin Luther King Jr.
• Abraham Lincoln
• Psychologists Abraham Maslow, Carl Rogers, and Psychiatrist John Bowlby.

            These are all highly sensitive men who also have had to stand up against oppression with the strength of peaceful warriors. A man who also fits that description is meditation master Chögyam Trungpa. In my book, The Warrior’s Journey Home: Healing Men, Healing the Planet, I quote Trungpa who says,

“Warriorship does not refer to making war on others. Aggression is the source of our problems, not the solution. Here the word ‘warrior’ is taken from the Tibetan, pawo, which literally means ‘one who is brave.’ Warriorship in this context is the tradition of human bravery, or the tradition of fearlessness. Warriorship is not being afraid of who you are.”

Where Do We Go From Here?

            We are at a time in human history where Highly Sensitive Men are needed now more than ever. Mark Jamison, Head of Global Clients, VISA, Inc., one of the experts featured in the film Sensitive Men Rising,  says, “The world is falling apart, political divisiveness is pulling us under, the environment is being destroyed. We need a different model. When people see options that bring hope and sensitivity and a much more integrative approach to problem solving, I see them embracing it with their arms wide open.”

            At the end of the film, Dr. Elaine Aron concluds,

“Most of the world’s suffering is due to a certain kind of masculinity. A different kind can change that. Sensitive men are rising. It’s a whole new ball game.”

You can learn more about the film at sensitivemenrising.org.

            Actor and Director, Peter Coyote, who hosted the film asked us at the end, “What will you do to change the paradigm?” My answer is to join with like-minded and sensitive-souled men and women to make change for good.

            Come visit me on my website, https://menalive.com/ and check out our new non-profit, www.MoonshotForMankind.com.

The post Sensitive Men Rising: Why the World Needs Us Now More Than Ever appeared first on MenAlive.

I turned 80 last December and I want to go for 100. I want more time to complete the work that needs doing in my world. I’m passionate to help men live fully healthy lives. Our families and the world needs us. At MoonshotForMankind.com you can learn about our mission. My wife, Carlin, will be 86 in July, and we have five grown children, seventeen grandchildren, and two great-grandchildren. I want to live a long and healthy life so I can be there for them. Too many men I know die before their time and leave family members who forever miss their loving presence, guidance, and support.

            Tom Perls MD, MPH and Stacy Andersen, PhD. are co-directors of The New England Centenarian Study (NECS). The program has been enrolling and studying centenarians and their family members since 1995. Their research has demonstrated that it’s not just that these people have lived long, but a surprising number are living well.

“They have not washed up at their hundredth birthdays like shipwrecked castaways, having barely survived life’s journey,”

says Dr. Perls.

“Rather they have arrived in full sail, bearing their most precious possession—their health.”

            According to Dr. Perls,

“More people are living to 100 than ever before. The number of people aged 100 and older, or centenarians, has been steadily increasing in the United States since 1950, when the Census Bureau estimated there were only 2,300. In 2021, there were 89,739 centenarians in the US and 85% were women.”

I want to be part of the elite 15% of men who join them. How about you?

Why Men Die First: How to Lengthen Your Lifespan and Healthspan

            Marianne J. Legato, M.D. is the world’s leading expert on Gender-Specific Medicine. In her book Why Men Die First: How to Lengthen Your Lifespan, she details the fundamental biological facts that make men the underdog in the master-game of life. Here’s the truth. Can you handle it?

• “You are less likely to survive the womb than your sisters.”

• “You are six weeks behind in developmental maturity at birth compared to girls.”

• “Men have four times the developmental disabilities of females.”

• “Men suffer more severely than women from seven of the ten most common infections that humans experience.”

• “You simply don’t have the vigorous immune systems that defend women.”

• “Men are likely to experience the first ravages of coronary artery disease in their mid-thirties, a full 15 to 20 years before women and twice as many men die of the disease than women.”

• Women are said to suffer from depression twice as often as men in virtually every country in the world. I think this is because men hide their pain.”

            Men are often shamed by those who don’t understand the realities of manhood. They assume men don’t care about their health or they are too foolish or lazy to do the things that would keep them healthy. It just isn’t so.

            An international team of scientists studying lifespans of wild mammals have found that, just like humans, females tend to live significantly longer than their male counterparts. The researchers looked at the lifespans of 101 different species, from sheep to elephants, and found that females lived an average of 18% longer than males for more than 60% of the species studies. In humans, females tend to live around 7.8% longer.

            Human males are doing better than a lot of other species, but we can do better.

            Clearly there are biological reasons that explain why male are more vulnerable than females. But here’s the good news. New findings from the emerging field of epigenetics show that we have greater control over our health than ever before. According to Dr. Kenneth Pelletier, author of Change Your Genes, Change Your Life, “Biology is no longer our destiny. Our DNA doesn’t rigidly determine our health and disease prospects.”

Ageless Aging and What Men Can Learn From Women

            Like many men I didn’t think much about aging until I hit my 50s. I was too busy working, looking for love, finding a partner, having children, and supporting a family. You can sense my focus by the titles of my books that I wrote in my 40–Inside Out: Becoming My Own Man, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places, and The Warrior’s Journey Home: Healing Men, Healing the Planet.

            I began writing what would become my international best-seller, Male Menopause, when I was fifty. I began to recognize that many of the symptoms of the “change of life” I was seeing in my wife and other women, were also present in myself and other men I knew. Before I wrote Male Menopause, I consulted my elders, the women in my life, and read everything I could find about women’s menopause.

            I learned that men and women weren’t as different as I had thought. In the book I said, “Male Menopause, also called Andropause or Manopause, begins with hormonal, physiological, and chemical changes that occur in all men generally between the ages of forty and fifty-five. Male menopause is a physical condition with psychological, interpersonal, social, and spiritual dimensions.”

            I went on to say,

“The purpose of male menopause is to signal the end of the first part of a man’s life and prepare him for the second half. Male Menopause is not the beginning of the end, as many fear, but the passage to the most passionate, powerful, productive, and purposeful time of a man’s life.”

            Maddy Dychtwald is an award-winning author and thought leader on longevity. With her husband Ken Dychtwald, she is the co-founder of the globally renowned think tank Age Wave. In her new book, Ageless Aging: A Woman’s Guide to Increasing Healthspan, Brainspan, and Lifespan, she says,

“We are in the midst of a longevity revolution, and women are leading the way, living an average of six years longer than men. If you’re a 50-year-old woman, chances are you will live 35 more years.”

            I am guessing there aren’t a lot of men who will pick up this “Woman’s Guide,” but that would be a big mistake. The book is authoritative, readable, and helpful for both women and men. Published by the Mayo Clinic Press, here are some of the topics Maddy covers. I found them all very helpful. I suspect that you will too. She offers insider information from the top experts that show how you can:

• Make use of your longevity bonus years with maximum impact and purpose.

• Learn the truth about your hormones and their impact on your life.

• Clear up the confusion about nutrition and supplements.

• Supercharge your immunity and find more energy every day.

• Take steps to potentially prevent or delay cognitive decline.

• Explore key strategies for improving your sleep.

• Create more financial freedom and security for a longer, healthier life.

            She recognizes that women and men are different and we need a gender-specific approach to address many of these issues. But we can certainly learn from each other and apply the best of what Maddy can offer men like you and me.

Gender-Specific Medicine: The Challenge for Men to Live to 100 Begins When We are 50

            “Until now, we’ve acted as though men and women were essentially identical except for the differences in their reproductive function,”

says Dr. Legato in her book, Eve’s Rib: How the New Science of Gender-Specific Medicine and How it Can Save Your Life.

“In fact, information we’ve been gathering over the past ten years tells us that this is anything but true, and that everywhere we look, the two sexes are startingly and unexpectedly different not only in their normal function but in the ways they experience illness.”

            Recognizing sex and gender differences can help us all live longer and healthier lives. We can all extend our lifespan and healthspan, whether we are male or female and whether we make it to 100 or not. To live long and well, men and women face different challenges.

            What the research is showing us that if men are going to make it 100, we need to begin living healthier lives as early as we can, but most helpfully by the time we are in our 40s and 50s. I describe what we need to do in many of my books including, The Whole Man Program: Reinvigorating Your Body, Mind, and Spirit After 40.

            If we don’t get healthy in our 40s and 50s, we’re not likely to be healthy in our 60s and 70s and there is little chance we’ll make it into our 80s, 90s, and get to the magic three-digit age of 100.

            Women face different challenges.

“Women tend to spend more years in poor health at the end of their lives than men do, even when you correct for their longer lives,”

says Dychtwald.

“The net result is that millions of women spend the last years of life coping with aches and pains and undergoing an increasing number of treatments for chronic degenerative diseases such as cancer, heart disease, and diabetes.”

The One Place in the World Where Men Live as Long as Women

            In 2004, Dan Buettner teamed with National Geographic, the National Institute on Aging, and the world’s best longevity researchers to identify pockets around the world where people lived measurably better, longer. In these five areas, dubbed “blue zones,” researchers found that people reach age 100 at a rate that is ten times greater than in the United States and with lower rates of chronic disease.

            The five original Blue Zones were:

• Ikaria, Greece
• Okinawa, Japan
• Sardinia, Italy
• Nicoya, Costa Rica
• Loma Linda, California

            Buettner and his team described the common practices of all these long-lived people which I detailed in an article, “Adopting a Blue Zones Way of Life.” But even in most of these long-lived people, the women lived longer than the men, with one exception—Sardinia, an island off the coast of Italy.

            These findings were reported in the Journal of Aging Research: “A Population Where Men Live As Long As Women: Villagrande Strisaili, Sardinia.” The study is summarized as follows:

            “Usually women live longer than men and female centenarians largely outnumber male centenarians. The findings of previous studies identifying a population with a femininity ratio close to 1.0 among centenarians in the mountainous region of Sardinia was the starting point of an in-depth investigation in order to compare mortality trajectories between men and women in that population.”

            The study found a population where not only did people lived longer than most of the world, but the one place where the ratio of female to male centenarians was 50-50 rather than 85-15. We now know the practices that give us the best chance to live healthy lives into our 80s, 90s, 100s. Midlife is a great time to go for one hundred. So, my challenge to men is this: Who would like to join me in my quest to be the first in my family who lives to be 100?

            Maybe we can get Mayo Clinic Press to publish a new book: Ageless Aging: A Man’s Guide to Increasing Healthspan, Brainspan, and Lifespan. If you would like to join me, drop me a note to Jed@MenAlive.com and put “Dare to Be 100” in the subject line.

The post Men, Dare to Be 100: Your Family and the World Needs You Now More Than Ever appeared first on MenAlive.

            I have been a marriage and family therapist for more than fifty years. One of the greatest tragedies I am seeing today is the rise of midlife divorce with women initiating nearly 80% of the divorces.[i] Divorce can be devastating for both men and women, but contrary to popular perception, men suffer greater emotional wounding. I believe strongly that divorce is not the answer and most midlife marriages can be saved.

            The National Center for Family & Marriage Research (NCFMR), Co-directed by researchers Susan L. Brown and Wendy D. Manning, was established in 2007 to help improve our understanding of how family structure is linked to the health and well-being of children, adults, families, and communities. Dr. Brown’s recent article, “The Graying of Divorce: A Half Century of Change,” offers the following facts.

• People over 50 are divorcing in record-breaking numbers, and three to four-family generations feel the effects.

• Between 1990 and 2010, the divorce rate for U.S. married couples over 50 doubled and was even higher for couples aged 65 and older.

• One in four persons who divorce in the U.S. is over 50, contrasted to less than one in ten in 1990.

• More than half of gray divorces are couples in their first marriages, including more than 55 percent for couples married more than 20 years.

• Divorce can be financially depleting. Women 50 and older experience a 45% decline in their standard of living; for men it’s 21%.

• Baby Boomers are particularly vulnerable since they have a high rate of divorce and many went on to remarry. Second and third marriages have an even higher rate of divorce than first marriages (I know. Both my wife and I had been married and divorced twice, before we married. Third time was the charm).

• As the divorce rate for adults over 50 soars, so does the number of adult children experiencing parental divorce.

• In their book Second Chances, Wallerstein and Blakeslee assert, “Divorce is deceptive. Legally it is a single event, but psychologically it is a chain — sometimes a never-ending chain — of events, relocations, and radically shifting relationships strung through time, a process that forever changes the lives of the people involved.”

            The causes for divorce are varied. Each one is a personal tragedy for the people involved, but also for their children (including their adult children) and can ripple through many generations. No one says to their partner,

“I’m happily married. I love us and the partnership we’ve created. I want a divorce.”

            I suffered as a child when my own parents divorced following my mid-life father’s increasing irritability, anger, depression, and despair when I was five years old. I grew up vowing that it wouldn’t happen to me, but it did. Being a marriage and family counselor did not prevent me from having my own struggles that eventually led to divorce.

            Fortunately, I got help, learned why marriages succeed and fail, and what I could to ensure success. It hasn’t always been easy, but my wife, Carlin, and I have been happily married for forty-four years now. I have detailed what we learned and what can be most helpful to you in my book, The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stage of Relationships and Why the Best is Still to Come. I have also developed an online course, “Navigating the 5 Stages of Love,” that draws on the main issues I share with my private counseling clients.

We all want real, lasting love, whether we are in our 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, or beyond. Yet too many relationships fall apart, just when the couple could be enjoying their marriage the most. Most people don’t know why. They become disillusioned, frustrated, and lost. They have fallen out of love and mistakenly believe that they have chosen the wrong partner. After going through the grieving process, they start looking again; but often, their efforts end up in disappointment.

The 5 Secrets For Finding Keeping Your Marriage Alive and Well

            Have you ever wondered why finding the right partner and having a marriage that last through time and is passionate, nurturing, loving, and joyful has been so difficult?

            Are you in a relationship that started off great, but seems to have lost something vital?

            Are you in a mid-life relationship that could use some help? (My colleague, Chip Conley, author of Learning to Love Midlife: 12 Reasons Why Live Gets Better with Age, says with our increasing longevity midlife extends from age 35 to 75).

            Here are five secrets for a healthy marriage that lasts and gets better  through time.  

Secret #1: There are 5 Stages of Love Not Just Two.

            Many of us have come to believe that finding the right person (Stage 1) is the most important stage (Hence all the programs and dating sites that promise to help you find your soul mate). Once you’ve found that special someone, Stage 2 begins and you build a life together. We are told we are then entitled to live happily ever after. But that is not the case for most of us. Here are the 5 Stages I describe in my book, The Enlightened Marriage.

• Stage 1: Falling In Love
• Stage 2: Becoming a Couple
• Stage 3: Disillusionment
• Stage 4: Creating Real, Lasting Love
• Stage 5: Using the Power of Two to Change the World

            Most marriages that fail do so when one, or both partners, become disillusioned.

“Is this all there is? I need more. I’m tired working to make things better and I don’t want to remain in a hollow marriage.”

But disillusionment is not only a feeling, but an actual stage of marriage that can be understood and successfully navigated.

Secret #2: Stage 3, Disillusionment, is Not the Beginning of the End But the Entre to Real Lasting Love.

            If we believe there are only two stages for having the relationship we’ve always wanted when things start to go south we ignore the signs or wear ourselves out trying to fix things. When things don’t get fixed we often blame ourselves or our partner and feel we must get out of the relationship because it seems that no matter what we do, things don’t get better.

            There is an old saying that can help us at this point,

“When you’re going through hell, don’t stop.”

Most people either remain stuck in their pain or wear down and want to bail out. What is called for here is support and guidance to keep going deeper. One of the most important things I teach people when they come to me for counseling is how to understand the value of Stage 3.

Secret #3: Stage 3 Teaches Us to Get Real.

            Falling in love is by necessity deceptive. We so want to find that right person, we all project our unmet needs and desires on them. We don’t see the real person, we see what we want and hope to see. We don’t fully share our real selves. We share the parts of ourselves we think will be most attractive to a potential partner.

            As we get older and we spend more time in our marriages, we often become more and more afraid to reveal our true selves, speak about our real needs and desires. Men often ignore the warning signs or see the signs but never really know what to do to fix things. Little by little the disillusionment builds up and often leads to divorce if a couple doesn’t get help.

            In Stage 3 we learn to recognize our projections and take the risk to slowly reveal who we really are and accept the gift of who our partner really is. We also recognize that there are unhealed wounds from our past relationships, most importantly from our first relationships—the ones we had growing up in our first family with our parents. We must get real with our past in order to have the future we all want.

            The famous psychiatrist Carl Jung said,

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”

This is never an easy task. Stage 3, if we can get help navigating it successfully, can help us release the illusions that keep us from our true selves.

Secret #4: We All Have Faulty Love Maps That Must Be Corrected.

            Most of us grew up in families where we got a distorted map of what real lasting love was all about. There were beliefs about ourselves and others that were implanted in our brains and became mostly unconscious. We were implanted with internalized messages that told us things like:

• I am not safe.
• I am worthless.
• I am powerless.
• I am not lovable.
• I cannot trust anyone.
• I am bad.
• I am on my own.

            Or we see our partner through the lens of these unhelpful belief systems.

Do you recognize some of these beliefs in your own marriage?

Secret #5: Real Lasting Love Requires Three Necessary Ingredients.

            Most of us have no idea how to nourish a healthy relationship through all the challenges we face as we age. It’s as though we are given a beautiful and rare flower, but we mistakenly give it too much water or not enough. I thought all I needed to do when I got married was to be a good provider and refrain from being mean and nasty (Oh, and remember to shower regularly). But it took me a long time to learn the simple, yet necessary ingredients for real lasting love to flourish.

            Psychologist, Dr. Sue Johnson, offers guidance in her book, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. She helps us remember these three ingredients with one simple word: ARE.

• A is for Accessibility: Can we reach each other? This means staying open to your partner even when you are tired, hurt, or insecure. Answering “yes” to questions like: Can I get my partner’s attention easily? Is my partner easy to connect with emotionally?

• R is for Responsiveness: Can we rely on each other to respond to our emotional needs?  Answering “yes” to questions like: If I need connection and comfort, will you be there for me? Does my partner respond positively to my signals that I need them to come close?

• E is for Engagement: Do we trust our partner to value us and stay close even when we are out of sync with each other? Answering “yes” to questions like, Do I feel very comfortable being close to and trusting my partner? If we are apart, can I trust that we are still connected and cared for?

Most of us didn’t learn how to give and receive real lasting love. We forget that like food, we need these three types of nourishment often, many times a day. A big splurge on anniversaries and special occasions never makes up for what we miss if we don’t get these regular gifts of love every day.

Divorce is not the answer because we know that these skills can be taught. I believe it is never too late to have a happy marriage. And most midlife marriages are worth saving.

I am planning to offer a course called “Divorce is Not the Answer: How to Save Your Midlife Marriages,” but I’d like to hear from you. If you would be interested in attending please drop me a note to Jed@MenAlive.com and let me know. Please put “Divorce is Not the Answer” in the subject line.

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[i] Professor Scott Galloway, Divorce, https://www.profgalloway.com/divorce/

The post Divorce is Not the Answer: Why More Couples Over 50 Are Divorcing and How to Save Your Midlife Marriage appeared first on MenAlive.

I am an only child by birth, but Tony became the brother I never had. It began the day I attended a workshop on April 21, 1979. I had recently moved to Mill Valley from Stockton California after my marriage had ended. I felt alone and hungry for connection. I saw a flyer tacked on a bulletin board that grabbed my attention:

“Men, come and share a day with other men and hear psychologist Herb Goldberg, author of The Hazards of Being Male. We will explore the complexities of men’s roles today.”

            Goldberg said,

“There is a lot of talk these days about male privilege. It’s true that males, as a group, occupy many positions of power in society, but the male has paid a heavy price for his masculine privilege and power. He is out of touch with his emotions and his body. He is playing by the rules of the male game plan and with lemming-like purpose he is destroying himself—emotionally, psychologically and physically.”

            I could certainly relate to his words and I was looking for a different way to be in the world.

            The day with Goldberg and what followed changed my life. The day wasn’t about gender politics or trying to figure out who was more harmed by the social system. It was about taking responsibility for our own wounds and supporting each other in healing. One of the exercises we did, was to have each man reflect on the times we had felt dropped-out or betrayed by other males in our lives.

            I talked about my father’s anger and his leaving the family when I was five years old, something I had rarely discussed with anyone, and certainly not in front of a group of strangers. As other men talked about their own experiences, I realized I wasn’t alone. Many men had experienced a father wound. But there were other hurts and betrayals.

            One man talked about being the youngest in his family and having two older brothers who tormented him. Another talked about his hunger to have a child. He was willing to give up a relationship that was good in all other ways, except the woman didn’t want children. I’d never heard a man talk so fervently about wanting to be a dad.

            Tony was one of the fifteen men attending the gathering. He was tall, good-looking, soft-spoken, but very approachable.

            After the day had ended, we all had opened ourselves up to vulnerabilities and wounds we had never shared before. I felt I had found soul brothers and wanted to continue the experience. Tom, one of the organizers, invited anyone interested to meet the following Thursday at his home. Ten of us showed up and we discussed the idea of meeting weekly for a men’s group. I was pleased to see that one of the men who came was Tony. After a few weeks, the group was reduced to seven and we have continued meeting since then.

            My wife, Carlin, says that one of the main reasons she feels we have had a wonderful forty-four-year marriage is because I have been in a men’s group that has been meeting for forty-five years.

            In my book12 Rules for Good Men I reflected on the many experiences we went through together in the group and described the following 7 Stages:

• Learning to Trust and Open Up.

• Revealing Our True Selves, Fears, and Insecurities.

• Baring our Bodies and Souls.

• Finding Delight and Having Great Fun Together.

• Revitalizing the Group (After we had been together twelve years, one of the guys said we seemed like an old and comfortable married couple. We needed to spice things up, and we did).

• Making a Lifetime Commitment to Keeping the Group Together.

• Dealing With Disabilities, Loss, and Dying.

            When the group began in 1979, I was thirty-six. There were three guys older than me and three guys younger. I turned eighty last year and am now the group elder. Four of us have passed on and three of us are still alive. Tony passed on May 26, 2024 and we are still in the process of mourning his death and celebrating the gifts that he has left us.

            There are two qualities that stand out to me about Tony. The first quality is his patience. In a world where everyone seems to be in a rush, Tony always took his time. He listened and reflected deeply. When he did talk, it was always with gentleness, clarity, and an ability to cut through the chatter and noise and get to the heart of the matter.

            In recent years he had to deal with many health challenges and would say that it was like an endless “whack-a-mole,” dealing with one problem, only to have another one pop up and demand his attention. But he handled each one with grace and courage.

            The second quality is his generosity. We would take turns meeting in different places, sometimes in one of our homes, sometimes in another. Sometimes we would rent a house in a beautiful area, often by the ocean. Whenever we met, when it was Tony’s turn to host he would go out of his way to make the experience special. Spending time with Tony was always a cornucopia good food, good wine, good cheer, and always a surprise or two.

            His generosity of spirit went beyond the things that a great host, friend, and brother would do. He was like a virtuoso musician (He loved music and had been a roadie for the Sons of Champlin rock band in the 1960s and 1970s) who paid attention to details. And the details all had to do with the music of love and life.

            One of the experiences that Tony and I had together was attending one of the last performances that the band the Eagles gave at the Cow Palace in San Francisco on March 10, 1980. I had seen the Eagles perform shortly after the band formed in the 1970s and danced and sang to iconic songs like Peaceful Easy Feeling, Tequila Sunrise, and Desperado (for me the ultimate song that spoke to my wounded heart—as it has to so many males I know–with lyrics

like these:

Desperado, you know you ain’t gettin’ no younger
Your pain and your hunger, are drivin’ you home
And freedom, oh freedom
Well, that’s just some people talkin’
Your prison is walking
Through this world all alone…

And don’t your feet get cold in the wintertime?
The sky won’t snow, and the sun won’t shine
It’s hard to tell the night-time from the day
You’re losin’ all your highs and lows
Ain’t it funny how the feelin’ goes away?

Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin’, but there’s a rainbow above you…

And the last plaintive lines:

You better let somebody love you (let somebody love you)
Let somebody love you before it’s too late.

            On our last telephone call before Tony passed he told me,

“I received a loving intervention from some medical professionals today who made it clear to me that I am dying. Just wanted to touch in with you and the guys. There will be no grand gestures or parties or anything like that. I just want to remember the great times we have had together these many years. I love you, my brother. You do the great work and I love you so much.”

            Being with Tony and the five other men in our group has given me lessons about courage and love that I will take with me for the rest of my life. Tony, I love you too, brother. Your spirit will continue to bless us all.

            As we all had agreed, our group will carry on until the last man has passed and will live on through the lives of those we love and whose lives we have touched.

            My commitment to men and the work I do is to write an article each week and send out a free newsletter to anyone who would like to subscribe. You can do so here.

            I also offer a number of on-line courses on some of the most important issues people address in their lives. You can check them out here.

The post Our 45-Year Men’s Group: Honoring Tony, A Man of Great Generosity and Patience appeared first on MenAlive.

Part 4 —The Neuroscience of the Male Brain

            In Part 1, I addressed the questions, “Men and Mental Health, What Are We Missing?” Part 2 focused on the way that “Mental Health Crises Are Putting Everyone at Risk.” In Part 3, I explored Gender-Specific Healing and Man Therapy. In Part 4, I will share recent research from leading neuroscientists.

            Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor is one of the world’s leading neuroscientists. In 1996 she suffered a massive stroke in the left hemisphere of her brain. It took her many years to fully recover, but what she learned can help us all change our lives for the better. After her recovery she wrote a book about what she learned and gave a TED talk, “My Stroke of Insight.” It has now been viewed over 25 million times and remains one of the most popular TED talks ever.

            Prior to the publication of her most recent book, Whole Brain Living: The Anatomy of Choice and the Four Characters That Drive Our Life, I had the privilege of interviewing Dr. Taylor.

Getting to Know Your Four Brain Characters

“There is now convincing neuroanatomical evidence of the existence of four brain characters,”

says Dr. Taylor.

“Surgically separating our two brain hemispheres has scientifically shown us that they are not simply two anatomically separate halves of a whole. Instead, the two halves of our brain house completely different character profiles that each exhibit unique wants, dreams, interests, and desires.”

            Dr. Taylor found that in each brain hemisphere there is a thinking character and an emotional character.

“Neuroanatomically these four groups of cells make up the left-and-right thinking centers of our higher cerebral cortex, as well as our left-and-right emotional centers of our lower limbic system,” says Dr. Taylor.

She goes on to add:

“The better you know your Four Characters, the easier your life will become.”

            Since all information comes into the brain first through our emotional centers, Dr. Taylor says we are all 

“feeling beings who think, rather than thinking beings who feel.” 

The philosopher, René Descartes’ dictum cogito, ergo sum, (Latin: “I think, therefore I am”), whose views have greatly influenced our culture, demonstrates the imbalance towards our thinking centers which have come to overshadow our emotional centers.

            Character 1. This rational character in your left-brain thinking is amazingly gifted at creating order in the external world. This part of your brain defines what is right/wrong and what is good/bad based upon its moral compass. It is also our left-brain Character 1 that triggers our stress response since it is always alert to potential danger.

            Dr. Taylor suggests we name each of our brain characters as a way to begin to become intimate with these unique characters within us. She calls her Character 1, Helen.

“She is Hell on wheels and gets things done,”

says Dr. Taylor.

I call my Character 1, J-DiJ  for Just Do It, Jed. This character is action oriented, takes no prisoners. He is impatient and jumps to creating solutions, often before he gets all the facts. Rather than taking his time–On your mark, get set, go–he often “goes off” quickly, never needing to get ready or set. This can, and often does, cause problems in my life and relationships.

            As you get to know your own Character 1, you will come up with your own name and learn his or her characteristics. Dr. Taylor lists some of the characteristics of Character 1 as follows:

• Organizes and categorizes everything.
• Divides people into us and them.
• Is protective of our people and suspicious of those people.
• Plans well.
• Respects authority.
• Critically judges right and wrong, good and bad.
• Interested in details and differences.
• Counts everything.

Character 2. The left-brain emotional character is preoccupied with one vital question: “Am I safe?” This is the core issue for any intimate relationship as well as our very survival through our long evolutionary history. Making a wrong decision was literally a life and death issue, particularly for women. Picking a partner who was not safe put women at risk of sudden death from predators, from males from other tribes who might cause harm to her or her children, as well as from a potentially untrustworthy partner. For men, the risk was also there, but the threat of death was less imminent.

            Character 2 is often powered by a familiar feeling of unease that stems from a traumatized or out-of-control past. As a result, this Character 2 part of our brain may end up feeling either “less than” or “not worthy.” It can also bring up fears of abandonment. That’s why I call my Character 2, Aban.

            A great deal of the conflicts I have had in relationships can be traced back to my fears that my safety and security needs were being threatened.

            Dr. Taylor says some of the most important characteristics of Character 2 include:

• Gets angry and name-calling when upset.
• Feels guilty.
• Internalizes shame.
• Loves conditionally.
• Harbors negative self-judgments.
• Experiences a great deal of anxiety and worry.
• Egocentric.
• Blames others.

            Where Characters 1 and 2, address issues of our past and future and how we can use things and people, our right brain Characters 3 and 4 are all about the present moment and how we can see the big picture, connect with others, and appreciate their uniqueness.

            Character 3. The right-brain emotional, is our experiential self that seeks similarities rather than differences with other people. It wants to connect, explore, and go on adventures with others. The way the present moment feels is delicious, and sharing time, having fun, or deeply connecting through empathy can be gratifying for everyone.

            I call my Character 3, Jeddy, the endearing name my wife, Carlin, calls me when we are feeling the most connected and playful. Jeddy is like a big joyful puppy dog. He is spontaneous, exuberant, unrestrained. He may unexpectedly jump into your lap and lick your face. He also can overwhelm you with his barks of delight and may even pee here and there when he is overly excited.

Dr. Taylor says some of the most important characteristics of Character 3 include:

• Forgiving.
• Awe-inspiring.
• Playful.
• Empathic.
• Creative.
• Joyful.
• Curious.
• Hopeful.

Character 4. The right-brain thinking character which exists as our most peaceful, open, and loving self. Our Character 4 is right here, right now, and completely invested in celebrating the gift of life with immense gratitude, acceptance, openness, and love. I call my Character 4, The Lovers. My Tarot deck says the card VI, Lovers, is

“symbolized by the conjoined male and female, is the law of union—oneness through the marriage of opposites.”

Along with the right-brain feeling Character 3, Character 4 is what Dr. Taylor experienced in all its magnificence when the left-side of her brain was incapacitated due to the brain hemorrhage.

“This is the part of our consciousness, right thinking brain that we share with one another and all other life,”

says Dr. Taylor.

            “I see the brain cells underlying our Character 4 as the portal through which the energy of the universe enters into and fuels every cell of our body. It is the all-knowing intelligence from which we came, and it is how we incarnate the consciousness of the universe.”

Dr. Taylor says some of the most important characteristics of Character 4 include being:

• Aware: I am connected to all that is.
• Expansive: I am open to possibilities and value the big picture.
• Accepting: I am curious about what is and accept all of life’s experiences.
• Embracing change.
• Authentic.
• Generous of Spirit.
• Vulnerable.
• Connected: In the consciousness of the cosmic flow I embrace the timeless, all-knowing part of myself that is connected to all that is.

            Dr. Taylor’s colleague, Iain McGilchrist, is a psychiatrist and author of The Master and His Emissary: The Divided Brain and the Making of the Modern World. Dr. McGilchrist says,

“We have more knowledge than ever, and yet the world is getting worse. Isn’t it as if a spell is driving our minds in the wrong direction? Aren’t we empowering machines while we are disempowering people? Isn’t the technocratic approach to nature, health, education, social relations and digital transformation giving counterproductive results, and taking us to a more dehumanizing world?”

            We need to engage all four brain characters and both hemispheres of the brain, but as Dr. McGilchrist has shown, the right hemisphere must be in charge, and in our modern world we have gotten way out of balance.

“We behave like people who have right hemisphere damage that treats the world as a simple resource to be exploited.”

            The hope for our collective future is that we recognize our imbalance, learn to let our right-brain characters 3 and 4 lead the way, and let our left-brain characters 1 and 2 do what they are supposed to do–become the emissary rather than trying to become the master. Getting our heads together may be the most important things humans can do if we want to return to being part of the community of life on planet Earth.

            I have found it very helpful in sorting out a whole host of issues in my life to have what Dr. Taylor calls a “brain huddle” where I can hear from all four characters. When all my characters have been heard from, it is clear which character needs to take charge in a particular situation. Usually, my right hemisphere characters 3 and 4, have the big-picture wisdom and my left hemisphere characters 1 and 2, need to listen well and back up the decision that my right hemisphere characters, particularly Character 4 has clearly seen.

            Since all of us come into being as a result of the sexual union between a male and a female, I picture my Character 4 being a partnership of a male and female character that captures the essence of all my male and female ancestors. This is truly a leadership team that can guide my future. I invite you to visit Dr. Taylor’s website here.

            Stay tuned for more articles that will explore additional issues about the importance of men’s mental health. If you are not already receiving my free weekly newsletter you can sign up here. Coming soon, information on the new film, Sensitive Men Rising.

The post The Future of Men’s Mental Health appeared first on MenAlive.