Mental Health

Margaret J. Wheatley is one of my heroes. At a time when many people are afraid of the truth, she tells it like it is. At a time when many people want to run away and hide, she invites us to step into our true warrior spirit in the tradition of Buddhist teacher Chögyam Trungpa. In my book, The Warrior’s Journey Home: Healing Men, Healing the Planet, I quoted Trungpa:

            “Warriorship here does not refer to making war on others. Aggression is the source of our problems, not the solution. Here the word ‘warrior’ is taken from the Tibetan pawo which literally means ‘one who is brave.’ Warriorship in this context is the tradition of human bravery, or the tradition of fearlessness. Warriorship is not being afraid of who you are.”

            In her powerful and hopeful book, Who Do We Choose to Be? Facing Reality, Claiming Leadership, and Restoring Sanity Wheatley says,

“My aspiration is for you to see clearly so that you may act wisely. If we don’t know where we are, if we don’t know what to prepare for, then any path we choose will keep us wandering in the wilderness, increasingly desperate, increasingly lost.”

            I received my own awakening to the warrior spirit in 1993 at a Men’s Leaders’ Conference in Indianapolis, Indiana, sponsored by Wingspan Magazine. As part of the conference offerings we were invited to participate in a traditional Native American sweat lodge ceremony. In the 4^th round when things got so hot in the lodge that many people had to get out, I was transported into a vision where I saw the sinking of the Ship of Civilization and the launching of Lifeboats for freedom.  

            Most of those on the ship wouldn’t believe the ship could sink, denied the truth, and went under. A few people, who believed the truth of their senses rather than the propaganda of the ship captain, escaped in lifeboats, banded together, and created a new, more sustainable, world.

            Over the last thirty years this vision has guided my life. Here are a few of the things I’ve learned:

• “Civilization” is a misnomer. Its proper name is the “Dominator culture.”

            As long as we buy the myth that “civilization” is the best humans can aspire to achieve, we are doomed to go down with the ship. In The Chalice & the Blade: Our History Our Future first published in 1987, internationally acclaimed scholar and futurist, Riane Eisler first introduced us to our long, ancient heritage as a Partnership Culture and our more recent Dominator Culture, which has come to be called “Civilization.” In her book, Nurturing Our Humanity: How Domination and Partnership Shape Our Brains, Lives, and Future, written with peace activist Douglas P. Fry, they offer real guidance for creating a world based on partnership.

• There is a better world, beyond civilization.

            When I was given the book Ishmael, by Daniel Quinn,I got a clear sense of the two worlds that are competing for our attention: A world where hierarchy and dominance rule (Quinn calls it the world of the Takers) and a world where equality and connection rule (Quinn calls it the world of the Leavers). In his book, Beyond Civilization: Humanity’s Next Great Adventure, he asks, “What does saving the world mean?”

            Quinn goes on to say,

“Saving the world can only mean one thing: saving the world as a human habitat. Accomplishing this will mean (must mean) saving the world as a habitat for as many other species as possible. We can only save the world as a human habitat if we stop our catastrophic onslaught on the community of life, for we depend on that community for our very lives.”

• Humans are not doing a very good job becoming sustaining members in the community of life on Earth.

            Thomas Berry was a priest, a “geologian,” and a historian of religions. He spoke eloquently about our connection to the Earth and the consequences of our failure to remember who we are.

“We never knew enough. Nor were we sufficiently intimate with all our cousins in the great family of the earth. Nor could we listen to the various creatures of the earth, each telling its own story. The time has now come, however, when we will listen or we will die.”

• The truth is that too many of us haven’t listened and too many of us will die. So what are we to do?

If the history of the many civilizations that have come to dominate the Earth over the last 6,000 years is a guide, most people will choose to “eat, drink, and be merry” and go down with the Ship. A few of us will be called to a different future. In her book, Who Do We Choose to Be? Margaret Wheatley reminds us that

“The Warriors arise when the people need protection.”

The last chapter of Who Do We Choose to Be? is titled: “Warriors For The Human Spirit: It’s Just Our Turn to Serve.” She says,

“As Warriors for the Human Spirit, our only weapons are compassion and insight. We refrain from using aggression and fear to accomplish results. We choose to stand apart from the current destructive dynamics and create good human societies wherever we can, Islands of Sanity. We know we are only a small minority, the few people who answer the call and prepare themselves to persevere and protect what is most valuable, what must not be lost.”

• The hope for those committed to a meaningful future is to join the movement to restore sanity.

I recently did an interview with Margaret Wheatly about her new book, Restoring Sanity: Practices to Awaken Generosity, Creativity & Kindness in Ourselves and Our Organizations. You can watch it here. 

“Why wouldn’t I dedicate a book focused on awakening the human spirit to all of us, eight billion spirits and counting,”

says Wheatley. So I do.

She begins the book with a quote by Marvin Weisbord, author, consultant, and Organizational Development elder. “I used to ask, ‘What’s wrong? How can I fix it?’ Then I realized the right question was: ‘What’s possible and who cares?’”

This is a very powerful truth. Many of us who have been working to make the world a better place have broken our minds, hearts, and souls trying to fix what is unfixable. With wisdom (and age—I turned 80 last year) some of us have concluded that there are some things that humans have done in our woundedness and ignorance that cannot be fixed.  

Many of the changes that we have brought about, including the destabilization of the climate, are not reversible. We will have to live with the consequences. But that does not mean there is nothing we can do. Here’s what Meg says to those who are ready to hear the truth and feel called to do something constructive:

“The perfect storm is here, created by the coalescence of climate and human-created catastrophes, insatiable greed, fear-based self-protection, escalating aggression and conflict, indifference for the well-being of others, and continuing uncertainty.”

She goes on to say,

“As leaders dedicated to serving the causes and people we treasure, confronted by this unrelenting tsunami, what are we to do? My answer to this is also stated with full confidence: We need to restore sanity by awakening the human spirit. We can only achieve this if we undertake the most challenging and meaningful work of our leader lives: creating Islands of Sanity.”

In the rest of the book, you will learn the practices necessary to join us in becoming Warriors for the Human Spirit. As my long-time friend and colleague, Clarissa Pinkola Estes says,

For those inspired by the call to come together, Margaret Wheatley explains,

“An Island of Sanity is a gift of possibility and refuge created by people’s commitment to form healthy community to do meaningful work. It requires sane leaders with unshakable faith in people’s innate generosity, creativity, and kindness.”

If you’d like more information about Margaret Wheatley’s books, warrior training, and current thinking you can contact her at MargaretWheatley.com.

If you would like to learn more about my own books, training programs, and current thinking, you can contact me at MenAlive.com.  

The post Warriors For the Human Spirit: Finding Your Path of Contribution in a World Out of Balance appeared first on MenAlive.

Part 2

            In Part 1 of this series I introduced you to the work of Robert Waldinger, MD and Marc Schultz, PhD wo are co-directors of the iconic, 86-year-old Harvard Study of Adult Development. In their book, The Good Life: Lessons From the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness, they offer expert guidance on how to live a fully healthy life, to love deeply, and find your passion and purpose in midlife and beyond. I also shared the work of Chip Conley, Founder of the Modern Elder Academy, and what we can learn from his new book, Learning to Love Midlife: 12 Reasons Why Life Gets Better With Age.

            In Part 2 I want to introduce you to the three areas where it is most important to apply this wisdom—In our love lives, in our work lives, and our inner lives. In his book, The Three Marriages: Reimagining Work, Self and Relationship, David Whyte says,

“Human beings are creatures of belonging, though they may come to that sense of belonging only through long periods of exile and loneliness.”

            Most of us have experienced the feelings of exile and loneliness that Whyte describes. I found Whyte’s description of the three marriages to be very helpful.

“This sense of belonging or not belonging” says Whyte, “is lived out by most people through three principal dynamics:

• “First, through relationship to other people and other living things (particularly and very personally, to one other living, breathing person in relationship or marriage).”

• “Second, through work. Work is not only necessity; good work like a good marriage needs dedication to something larger than our own detailed, everyday needs.

• “Third, perhaps the most difficult marriage of all beneath the two visible, all-too-public marriages of work and relationship—is the internal and often secret marriage to that tricky movable frontier of ourselves.

“These are the three marriages of Work, Self, and Others.”

Like many men, I have had a difficult time achieving success balancing all three “marriages.” I have been most successful in my work life, in some part by writing books about what I learned working through my failures in my love life and my search for my lost self. My first book, Inside Out: Becoming My Own Man detailed my struggles figuring out who I am. The second, book, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places detailed the confusion I had between “real lasting love” and “sex and love addiction.”  The other fifteen books and twelve hundred articles are my continuing journey to learn about, and share, what I’ve learned about integrating all three. Clearly, this is a life-long journey.

One of the primary lessons is that becoming a success in one marriage can’t be automatically transferred to the others. For a long time, I thought if I could become a successful psychotherapist and made a lot of money, I could attract the woman of my dreams and live happily ever after. It didn’t work as you’ll learn if you visit my website and see my introductory video “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor.”

Whyte shares a powerful truth in his book.

“Each of these marriages is, at its heart, nonnegotiable; that we should give up the attempt to balance one marriage against another, of, for instance taking away from work to give more time to a partner, or vice versa, and start thinking of each marriage conversing with, questioning or emboldening the other two.”

I learned an important lesson about how these three marriages can be developed an integrated from a Native American basket weaver. She described our life as a basket woven from many different strands, each essential for a strong container. Each part of our life is one strand in this basket. In this case think of each of the three marriages as a strand, each equally important for making a beautiful life basket.

She explained to me that it is impossible to weave multiple strands at the same time; we need to attend to the strand that requires our attention without losing awareness of the others. Every strand will get our attention—just not all at the same time.

Rather than feeling like we are trying to juggle multiple balls of marriage responsibilities and work tasks, while trying to take care of our own needs, and ultimately failing, we can give 100% of our attention to our work when we’re working. When its time for the strand of marriage, we give our full attention to that strand, and later the strand of self. This simple image has helped me relax and flow into the dance of life.

Another thing I came to understand from Whyte is the importance of spending quality time alone, preferably in nature, in order to pursue the illusive lover that is my inner self. In my early life I was always busy pursuing women and success at work so I could attract or hold on to the woman who was the object of my current pursuit. And I was always trying to achieve more power and prestige so that I could prove that I was a man of substance rather than an invisible man I was afraid I really was.

After discussing the importance of doing good work and finding a partner in life, he goes on to discuss the third marriage. “The Tree Marriages,” says Whyte,

“looks at that other equally strange human need, to be left completely and utterly alone, trawling the deep riches of an inner peace and quiet, where the self can actually seem lithe, movable, limitless and inviolate, invulnerable to those invisible wounds delivered by partners and spouses, unharassed by commitment, inured to the clamor of children and untouched by the endless nature of our meetings.”

Only a poet like Whyte could capture the many ways I had become addicted to love and work. Like many men I know, it took losing a marriage or two and being fired from a job or two, to finally take time off to find the inner lover I had abandoned so long ago. For me, I began to get to know my true self on a trip to Alaska when I was thirty-six following the end of my first marriage and a second trip to Alaska with my men’s group when I was fifty-six.

I had to get away from work and women in order find the me I was afraid to see and come to terms with the father wound that I experienced when my mid-life father took an overdose of sleeping pills when I was five years old. Though he didn’t die, our lives were never the same.

I came to understand that my drive to achieve success at work and find the perfect marriage partner was driven, in part, by unhealed trauma from childhood. The Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) Studies have demonstrated that our early experiences can have a major impact on our adult health and wellbeing. Adverse childhood experiences, or ACEs, are potentially traumatic events that occur in childhood. For example:

• Experiencing violence, abuse, or neglect.
• Living in a home where someone has substance abuse or mental health problems.
• Witnessing violence in the home or community.
• Having a parent who is absent physically or emotionally.

One of the most common, and harmful ACEs, is growing up with an absent father. Psychologist James Hollis says,

“A father may be physically present, but absent in spirit. His absence may be literal through death, divorce or dysfunction, but more often it is a symbolic absence through silence and the inability to transmit what he also may not have learned.”

Roland Warren, former President of National Fatherhood Initiative, says,

“Kids have a hole in their soul in the shape of their dad. And if a father is unwilling or unable to fill that role, it can leave a wound that is not easily healed.”

That was certainly the truth for me. The wound definitely impacted my relationships, my sense of myself, and my work life.

Though I achieved great outward success at work, it felt more addictive than free. My mantra was “too much is not enough.” I always felt I had something to prove in all aspects of my life. Healing the father wound was crucial to the integration of all three of my marriages—to work, to love, and to myself.

Many people who have suffered from Adverse Childhood Experiences and early trauma feel their lives will be forever limited and they will never be truly happy. The good news from the Harvard results, as well as other long-term studies, shows that healing can happen regardless of the difficult early lives. It helps when we can acknowledge our wounds and talk about our experiences rather than trying to forget they ever happened.

In The Good Life, Drs. Waldinger and Schulz conclude, “As adults, the Harvard Study participants who were able to acknowledge challenges and talk about them more openly seemed to have a similar ability to elicit support from others. Being open and clear about one’s experiences offers an opportunity for another person to be helpful.”

Too often, men try to hide their wounds so they can appear strong. We’re terrified of appearing weak and vulnerable. Yet, I’ve found that our vulnerability is our superpower. My wife, Carlin, has often told me that my willingness to be vulnerable is what she most loves and admires about me. Her love has gone a long way to helping me heal from my early losses. She has also said that one of the main reasons we have had a successful forty-four-year marriage is because I have been in a men’s group for forty-five years.

Among the most important findings from the Harvard Studies were that regardless of our early wounds, there were two vitally important things that allowed men to find true happiness and joy: “Meeting a caring friend and marrying an accepting spouse.” Nurturing our friendships and our intimate partnerships takes time and effort, but there is nothing that is more important.

If you would like to read more articles like these, I invite you to subscribe to my free, weekly, newsletter, which you can do here: https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/.

The post The One Thing Midlife Men Must Do to Have a Great Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness appeared first on MenAlive.