Mental Health

                I had known about New Dimensions long before I was invited to be interviewed about my new book, Male Menopause, which was published in 1997. Michael and Justine Toms founded New Dimensions Radio in 1973 and have recorded ground-breaking conversations with visionaries including Joseph Campbell, HH the Dalai Lama, R. Buckminster Fuller, Ram Dass, Maya Angelou, Andrew Weil, Stewart Brand, Joanna Macy, Barbara Marx Hubbard, and thousands of others.

                Recently, I had the good fortune to interview Justine about how New Dimensions has evolved over the last fifty-plus years and they are doing to restore recordings that are in danger of being lost. I always ask my quests to share their “origin story” about how their work began and what their initial vision was when they started out. Here is some of what Justine shared with me:

                “I grew up in the Episcopal Church and loved it deeply — the gentle solemnity, the hymns, the cadence of familiar prayers. But in my early twenties, when I moved to Alabama, my path took a turn. I joined a spirited Southern Baptist congregation and threw myself into it wholeheartedly. I sang in the choir, taught Sunday school, and loved the lively exuberance that filled our services. Yet even then, beneath the joy, there was a subtle restlessness I couldn’t name.

                “That restlessness stayed with me when I moved west to California. There, I found myself drawn into the community of Jehovah’s Witnesses. As before, I jumped in with both feet — studying, attending meetings, and knocking on doors to spread the ‘good news.’ I wanted to serve, to share what I thought of as the truth. But beneath that devotion, a quiet question persisted: Was there more?

                “At the time, I didn’t see it as a spiritual quest. I thought of it as being faithful, obedient. Only later did I realize that what I was following wasn’t doctrine but a deep internal pull toward the broadest, most inclusive understanding of spirit possible. My soul was hungry for something vaster than any one faith could contain.

                “Then I met Michael. He wasn’t a Jehovah’s Witness — far from it. But there was something in his calm, listening presence that quietly disarmed me. Still, before I could let down my guard, I needed to know where he stood on spiritual matters. So, one day I called him and said, ‘I’d like to come over and talk about spiritual things.’ He said yes.

                “We talked through the night, our conversation winding through scripture, science, myth, and mystery. Dawn came, but neither of us was ready to stop. I didn’t realize it then, but that was the conception moment for New Dimensions.”

                “What started as a weekly show on one local station grew into the longest-running independently produced interview program on public radio, carried by nearly 100 stations across the US, Canada, and New Zealand… and now available worldwide as podcasts, audiobooks, and videos on YouTube.

                “Today, our archive holds 4,639 programs. The full collection covers an extraordinary range of human inquiry: consciousness, healing, physics, mythology, indigenous wisdom, the arts, politics, and the future of civilization.

                “Dr. Roberto Trujillo, of Stanford University Libraries, has called it ‘one of the most extraordinary archival collections’ he has encountered in his career as a curator. Others have termed it ‘The Alexandria Library of the 21st Century.’”

Save 692 Rare Recordings Before They’re Lost

                Justine went on to say,

                “In recent years we have devoted much of our time and limited means to digitizing and restoring many of our classic recordings. 692 have been digitized from their original tapes, but they’re not playable and can’t be made available to the public until they’ve been properly restored.

                “Each program requires approximately sixteen hours of careful, hands-on restoration to be brought back to life. It’s a monumental task, and one that goes far beyond what our everyday funding can support.”

                Here is a sampling of what is in some of these iconic recordings:

• Joseph Campbell showed the world that beneath every culture runs the same deep river of story. Five of his conversations are waiting to be restored, including “The Myth of the Fool.”
• R. Buckminster Fuller coined “Spaceship Earth” and spent his life proving that human ingenuity could solve what politics couldn’t. Six of his conversations are in the archive, including “Being with Bucky.”
• Albert Hofmann, Ram Dass, Timothy Leary, Allen Ginsberg, and John Lilly sat together in 1977 for “LSD: A Generation Later,” a conversation between the pioneers of consciousness research that will never happen again.
• Jerry Brown, Frank Herbert, and Captain Edgar Mitchell came together for “Space-Age Humanity.”: a governor, the author of Dune, and an astronaut who walked on the Moon, all in one room imagining the future.
• HH the Dalai Lama, Alice Walker, Jack Kornfield, Robert Thurman, and Edward James Olmos explored what compassion actually demands of us in “Compassion in Action.”
• Daniel Ellsberg, the man behind the Pentagon Papers, reflected on the world we choose to create in “A World of Our Own Making.”
• Werner Erhard, Barbara Marx Hubbard, Marilyn Ferguson, and Patricia Sun gathered in 1979 to ask one question: “The Future: What Will It Be?”
• Linus Pauling, the only person in history to receive two unshared Nobel Prizes, recorded a rare conversation at New Dimensions.

                Please help support our efforts to make this wonderful collection available to the world, now and forever.

                Justine’s information and how you can donate.

                Here is what your tax-deductible gift makes possible. All donations, no matter how large are small are helpful:

• $243 restores one complete program.
• $2,430 restores an entire series of ten programs.

                Any funds raised above our goal will go toward making sure these teachings are accessible to as many people as possible.

                Every dollar counts. Please donate what you can, and pass this along to anyone you know who would value this project…

                If you would like to see my interview with Justine Willis Toms, you can do so here.

                I write a weekly article on issues of interest to my community. You can subscribe for free here: https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/

The post Journey to New Dimensions: Wisdom From the Past and Hope for the Future appeared first on MenAlive.

                I first heard about “Man Therapy” when I read an article in 2019 and reached out to Dr. Mahogany. It took me awhile before I met Joe Conrad, the man behind ManTherapy.org, and learned about the team that developed their successful program. Joe is a creative entrepreneur and a digital health pioneer who believes in the power of innovation, creativity and technology to solve any problem. I recently interviewed Joe about his work in support of men’s mental health, how the Man Therapy program was developed, and about his new book, Man Therapy: Therapy The Way a Man Does It.

                I was interested in the “origin story” of this unique and innovative approach for helping men and their families. Here’s what Joe shared with me:

                “At some point in my life, I went from acting like a boy to behaving like a man. For me, it happened at Colorado State University sometime during my senior year. I had a job writing for the Rocky Mountain Collegian, which is where I found my voice. I wrote a series of stories about US military veterans returning from Vietnam and their difficult transition back to civilian life. I covered issues around the growing environmental movement. I was creating something, putting it out into the world, and it felt great.

                In 1990 I started Cactus, a purpose-driven ad agency focused on working with nonprofit organizations, foundations, and brands to help bring a powerful voice to their work. One day while leading a workshop for the Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment, I was approached by the director of the Office of Suicide Prevention. He said, “Joe, do you know that there is an epidemic out there and that working-age men are killing themselves at an alarming rate?”

                I had no idea that five out of seven suicides were men from all walks of life, demographics, and socioeconomic backgrounds. Against all odd and on a shoe-string budget, my team at Cactus created our agency’s best and most impactful campaign. We treated this challenge like we do every project and gave the campaign the same love and attention to creativity, production craft and a meaningful digital experience where therapy happens.

                We explored a number of creative approaches, but one idea stood out and was the obvious choice –– Man Therapy, which was launched on July 9, 2012.  The centerpiece of the campaign is a website, ManTherapy.org, hosted by a fictional therapist named Dr. Rich Mahogany. However, Dr. Rich is not your typical therapist. He tells it like it is and uses humor to convince guys that taking care of their mental health is the manliest thing a man could do.

                Man Therapy was created by a team of suicidologists, mental health experts, marketing strategists, creatives, and technologists to destigmatize mental health through humor, straight-shooting, and practical tools. And we know it works because the results of a 4-year, $1.2 million CDC-funded study show that Man Therapy not only reduces depression, suicide risk, and bad mental health days — it also improves help-seeking behavior in working-age men.

                While we’re proud of the impact we have had to date, we believe we’re just getting started. Today, Man Therapy is the world’s leading men’s mental health brand and we believe it can be a powerful force for good in the world. Much more than helping reduce suicide, we hope to help men flourish.”

Man Therapy is Relevant to My Personal and Professional Life

                 When I was five years old my father took an overdose of sleeping pills. He had become increasingly depressed because he couldn’t support his family doing the work he loved. Luckily, he didn’t die, but our lives were never again the same. I grew up wondering what happened to my father, when it would happen to me, and what I could do to help other men and their families to avoid the suffering our family experienced.

                 For more than fifty years I have been a leader in the emerging field of gender-specific medicine and men’s mental, emotional, and relational health. When I came across Man Therapy and Joe Conrad, I immediately knew this was a program that could help men like my father and millions of other men and their families to live fully healthy lives, to love deeply and well, and to make a personal difference in the world.

                 The publication of their new book Man Therapy: Therapy The Way a Man Does It is the next step in this important men’s health movement. Man Therapy gives men straightforward tools for dealing with real-life challenges, without the lectures, jargon, or awkward therapy speak. You can watch the book trailer here.

                The book is powered by the engaging and popular Man Therapy® brand and includes contributions from today’s leading men’s mental health experts. This guide delivers concrete strategies for managing stress, depression, anger, and the everyday pressures men face.

                Think of it as a mental health tune-up for your brain: part therapist, part drill sergeant, and part wise uncle who tells it like it is.

                In this book, you’ll find powerful strategies to:

• Manage stress, anxiety, and burnout before they take over.
• Deal with depression, low motivation, and feeling stuck.
• Control anger and emotional reactions without blowing up relationships.
• Navigate loneliness, friendships, and romantic relationships.
• Build mental resilience when life knocks you down.

                Grounded in evidence-based psychology, this guide includes the key basics of mental health, simple exercises, reflection prompts, and practical skills you can start using immediately. Whether you’re dealing with work pressure, family stress, relationship problems, or just trying to get your head on straight, these tools help you act, not just think about it.

                You don’t have to pretend everything’s fine. And you don’t have to figure it out alone. This first-of-its-kind guide helps men take charge of their mental health with grit, clarity, and maybe even a few laughs along the way. 

               This is the book I wish my father had available when he was struggling with these issues. It is the book I am excited to give to my clients, family, and friends.

                To find out more about Joe Conrad, the book, and the Man Therapy movement, you can visit him at https://mantherapy.org/.

               If you would like to read more articles about men’s mental, emotional, and relational health, come visit me at https://menalive.com/.

The post Why Men’s Mental, Emotional, and Relational Health Is Needed Now More Than Ever appeared first on MenAlive.

                Many of us have been caught up in what I call “The Approach/Avoidance Dance.”  We think we have found someone to love and things are going well. Then suddenly they begin to distance themselves. They may pick a fight or slowly drift away, but just when the relationship is starting to feel good, the other person starts moving in the other direction. But just when you try to give them space, they start coming back and acting like they want to hold you and never let you go. It can be crazy making.

                As a psychotherapist who has worked with individuals and couples for more than fifty years, this pattern is very familiar. I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Laura Dabney about her new book, I Need You… Now Go Away!: Reclaiming Your Life When Someone You Love Has a Personality Disorder. You can watch the interview here.

                 I asked Dr. Dabney questions I thought would be most helpful to my readers and those who watch my periodic podcasts:

• When did you first decide to go to medical school and what did you hope to do when you first became a doctor?

• What first drew you to psychiatry?

• Tell us about your present practice and how it has evolved?

• Please tell us about your new book. When did you first decide to write it and why?

• What is the root cause of these difficult patterns of behavior?

• What do people need to know to find real lasting love?

                Many people have heard of the term “Personality Disorder,” but don’t really know what they are. According to the Cleveland Clinic,

                “Personality disorders are a group of a ten mental health conditions that involve long-lasting, disruptive patterns of thinking, behavior, mood and relating to others.”

                They include:

• Paranoid personality disorder

• Schizoid personality disorder

• Schizotypal personality disorder

• Antisocial personality disorder

• Borderline personality disorder

• Histrionic personality disorder

• Narcissistic personality disorder

• Avoidant personality disorder

• Dependent personality disorder

• Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder

                The names are often frightening and confusing for people. Dr. Dabney has a great deal of experience helping real people in the real world. She offers guidance into this mysterious world and eliminates the fears that are often associated with these labels.

               She says that many people find themselves in the same painful relationship patterns – choosing the wrong partners, replaying the same arguments, or feeling misunderstood again and again.  These struggles are not about bad luck or flaws, but about inherited distorted intimacy patterns that have become stuck over time.

              Psychiatry sometimes calls these “personality disorders,” a term that can sound frightening or insulting.  In reality, the names simply point to long-standing ways of relating that can sabotage the very relationships we long for.  And this is true no matter which side of the problem you believe you’re on: whether you’re disrupting closeness or struggling with someone else’s disruptive behavior. The good news is that change is possible.

             With the right therapeutic guidance, people can recognize their patterns, learn healthier ways of connecting, and can finally experience the lasting intimacy they long for.

                “If you’ve noticed the same struggles repeating, know this,” says Dr. Dabney. “Change is not only possible, it’s within reach.”

                You can learn more about Dr. Dabney and her work at:  https://www.drldabney.com/

                I have a similar understanding and approach to working with people as Dr. Dabney does. Although giving people a mental illness diagnosis can be helpful. There are downsides as well. I’ve found it is much more helpful to recognize that we can help people without labelling them.

                I describe my approach in many of my popular books including, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places and The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why the Best is Still to Come. I also have courses available as well as  private counseling for individuals and couples.

                 You can learn more about me and my work at https://menalive.com/. Come visit me there.

The post Dealing With The Approach/Avoidance Dance and Finding the Love You Need appeared first on MenAlive.

                Margaret J. Wheatley is one of my heroes. She began caring about the world’s peoples in 1966 as a Peace Corps volunteer in postwar Korea. Since then, as a consultant, senior-level advisor, teacher, and healer, she has helped millions to better understand ourselves and our world. In her book, Who Do We Choose to Be? Facing Reality, Claiming Leadership, Restoring Sanity, she says,

                “My aspiration is for you to see clearly so that you may act wisely. If we don’t know where we are, if we don’t know what to prepare for, then any path we choose will keep us wandering in the wilderness, increasingly desperate, increasingly lost.”

                I had the good fortune to interview Dr. Wheatley and wrote an article, “Warrior’s of the Human Spirit: Finding Your Path of Contribution in a World Out of Balance.” I said in the article:

                “At a time when many people are afraid of the truth, she tells it like it is. At a time when many people want to run away and hide, she invites us to step into our true warrior spirit in the tradition of Buddhist teacher Chögyam Trungpa.”

                In my book, The Warrior’s Journey Home: Healing Men, Healing the Planet, I quoted Trungpa:

            “Warriorship here does not refer to making war on others. Aggression is the source of our problems, not the solution. Here the word ‘warrior’ is taken from the Tibetan pawo which literally means ‘one who is brave.’ Warriorship in this context is the tradition of human bravery, or the tradition of fearlessness. Warriorship is not being afraid of who you are.”

                I received my own awakening to the warrior spirit in 1993 at a Men’s Leaders’ Conference in Indianapolis, Indiana, sponsored by Wingspan Magazine. As part of the conference offerings, we were invited to participate in a traditional Native American sweat lodge ceremony. In the 4^th round when things got so hot in the lodge that many people had to get out, I was transported into a vision where I saw the sinking of the Ship of Civilization and the launching of Lifeboats For Humanity.  

            Most of those on the Ship of Civilization wouldn’t believe the ship could sink, denied the truth, and went under. A few people, who believed the truth of their senses rather than the propaganda of the ship captain, escaped in lifeboats, banded together, and created a new, more sustainable, world.

            Over the last thirty years this vision has guided my life. Here are a few of the things I’ve learned:

• “Civilization” is a misnomer. Its proper name is the “Dominator culture.”

            As long as we believe the myth that “civilization” is the best humans can aspire to achieve, we are doomed to go down with the ship. In The Chalice & the Blade: Our History Our Future first published in 1987, internationally acclaimed scholar and futurist, Riane Eisler first introduced us to our long, ancient heritage as a Partnership Culture and our more recent Dominator Culture, which has come to be called “Civilization.” In her book, Nurturing Our Humanity: How Domination and Partnership Shape Our Brains, Lives, and Future, written with peace activist Douglas P. Fry, they offer real guidance for creating a world based on partnership.

• There is a better world, beyond civilization.

            When I was given the book Ishmael, by Daniel Quinn, I got a clear sense of the two worlds that are competing for our attention: A world where hierarchy and dominance rule (Quinn calls it the world of the Takers) and a world where equality and connection rule (Quinn calls it the world of the Leavers). In his book, Beyond Civilization: Humanity’s Next Great Adventure, Quinn asks,

                “What does saving the world mean? Saving the world can only mean one thing: saving the world as a human habitat. Accomplishing this will mean (must mean) saving the world as a habitat for as many other species as possible. We can only save the world as a human habitat if we stop our catastrophic onslaught on the community of life, for we depend on that community for our very lives.”

The Pattern of Collapse of Complex Civilizations

                In her book, Who Do We Choose to Be?, Margaret Wheatley says,

                “The only thing evident from the study of history is that we humans fail to learn from history. Yet those who do study the history of civilizations have illuminated the pattern of the rise and fall of complex human societies. The pattern of collapse is remarkably consistent.”

                In her book, The Watchman’s Rattle: A Radical New Theory of Collapse, world-renowned futurist Rebecca D. Costa shares what scholars have learned over the years about the signs of impending collapse:

                “The first sign is gridlock,” says Costa. “Gridlock occurs when civilizations become unable to comprehend or resolve large, complex problems, despite acknowledging beforehand that these issues may lead to their demise.”

                She goes on to say,

                “Then, as conditions grow more desperate, the second sign is the substitution of beliefs for knowledge.”

                Costa says these conditions are present in all complex societies that expand to the level we call empires. Drawing on the work of historians such as Dr. Joseph Tainter, in his book The Collapse of Complex Societies, she says,

                “Tainter believes that war, crop failures, disease, and political unrest appear to have caused the fall of the Roman Empire, but in truth ‘diminishing returns on investments in social complexity’ was the root cause. As systems for commerce, governance, and defense grew more complex, the ‘energy’ needed to manage them simply exceeded the capabilities of the Roman people.”

                Margaret Wheatley draws on the work of Joseph Tainter, Sir John Glubb, and others who have studies the collapse of empires and notes that whether it is the Roman, Arab, Ottoman, Spanish, or British Empires, they all fall after approximately ten generations or 250 years. It is clear to many that as we celebrate the 250 years from 1776 to 2026, the United States is no exception.

                Wheatley says,

                “This is the Age of Threat, when everything we encounter intensifies fear and anger. In survival mode, we flee from one another, abandon values that held us together, withdraw from ideas and practices that encouraged inclusion and created trust in leaders. And most harmfully, we stop believing in one another.”

                It is time we stopped blaming ourselves and others for our predicament. No political party or administration can save us and none is ultimately to blame.

                “We are walking the well-trodden path of collapse documented in the history of all complex civilizations,” says Wheatley, “so we must find a new path of contribution.”

The Future of Our Country, the World, and Ourselves

                 Many of us who have been working to make the world a better place have broken our minds, hearts, and souls trying to fix what is unfixable. With wisdom (and age — I turned eighty-two this year) some of us have concluded that there are some things that humans have done in our woundedness and ignorance that cannot be fixed.  

                Many of the changes that we have brought about, including the destabilization of the climate, are not reversible. We will have to live with the consequences. But that does not mean there is nothing we can do. Here’s what Meg Wheatley says to those who are ready to hear the truth and feel called to do something constructive:

                “The perfect storm is here, created by the coalescence of climate and human-created catastrophes, insatiable greed, fear-based self-protection, escalating aggression and conflict, indifference for the well-being of others, and continuing uncertainty. As leaders dedicated to serving the causes and people we treasure, confronted by this unrelenting tsunami, what are we to do? My answer to this is also stated with full confidence: We need to restore sanity by awakening the human spirit. We can onlyachieve this if we undertake the most challenging and meaningful work of our leader lives: creating Islands of Sanity.”

                This is what I’ve been doing since 1993 when I had the experience in the sweat lodge where was given both the vision of collapse as well as the potential future of the “life-boats for humanity.” One of my other heroes is a woman named Clarissa Pinkola Estes. She wrote the book, Women Who Run With the Wolves. She also offered this heart-felt call to action:

                “Mis estimados queridos, My Esteemed Ones: Do not lose heart. It is hard to say which one of the current egregious matters has rocked people’s worlds and beliefs more. Ours is a time of almost daily jaw-dropping astonishment and often righteous rage over the latest degradations of what matters most to civilized, visionary people.

               “You are right in your assessments. The luster and hubris some have aspired to while endorsing acts so heinous against children, elders, everyday people, the poor, the unguarded, the helpless, is breathtaking.

               “Yet, I urge you, ask you, gentle you, to please not spend your spirit dry by bewailing these difficult times. Especially do not lose hope. Most particularly because, the fact is – we were made for these times…”

                Margaret Wheatley says that,

                “An Island of Sanity is a gift of possibility and refuge created by people’s commitment to form healthy community to do meaningful work. It requires sane leaders with unshakable faith in people’s innate generosity, creativity, and kindness.”

                In June I will be sharing some new opportunities for our MenAlive community. I wrote about them in a recent article, “Becoming Rebels in Our Own Time.” I hope you will join us. Come visit me at MenAlive and sign up for our free weekly newsletter. 

The post The Future of US: Why Empires End After 250 Years and What We Must Do Now appeared first on MenAlive.

                One of the facts of life is that we all get older. I will be eighty-three on my next birthday and have been interested in men’s health for most of my life. When I was five years old my forty-three-year-old father took an overdose of sleeping pills. He had become increasingly depressed because he couldn’t support his family doing the work he loved.  

                Luckily, he didn’t die but was committed to Camarillo State Mental Hospital north of our home in Los Angeles. I grew up wondering what happened to my father, when it would happen to me, and what I could do to help other families like ours.

                I went off to college at U.C. Santa Barbara and was a pre-med student majoring in biology and psychology. I later was accepted at U.C. San Francisco medical school but soon found medicine too elitist and narrow in its health focus and transferred to U.C. Berkeley where I earned my master’s degree in social work.

                Later I returned to graduate school to engage in more in-depth study of the issues facing men and their families. I earned a PhD in International Health and for more than forty years I have specialized in in the emerging field of Gender-Specific Medicine and Men’s Health.

                I have written seventeen books including international best-sellers Male Menopause, Surviving Male Menopause: A Guide for Women and Men, and The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression.  

                I recently interviewed Dr. William Brant about his own work in healthcare. Dr. Brant is a board-certified urologist specializing in erectile dysfunction, low testosterone, and other men’s urologic conditions. Dr. Brant works directly with patients navigating these concerns and offers expert commentary on the broader trends shaping men’s sexual health today.

                One of the issues Dr. Brant and I discussed is how difficult for men to sort through the barrage of information that bombards them, some good, some inaccurate, and some dangerous. This is particularly true in the supplement and neutraceutical realm.

                “What I tell men,” says Dr. Brant, “is to remember the adage, keep it simple.”

                He went on to say,

                “Make sure you are getting a quality product and try to avoid duplicating ingredients to prevent overdoing it. Try to stick with ingredients that have evidence behind any purported benefits. And try to stick with a simple system that gives you what you want, but nothing more.”

                Ads for supplements are everywhere, but don’t be fooled.

                “I don’t think everyone needs supplements,” says Dr. Brant. “For example, it bothers me when teenagers and young men are taking all sorts of things because, in general, this age group is already optimized and so, at best, they have expensive urine and at worst they are throwing off the homeostasis of what should be a perfectly balanced system.  I often see teenagers and guys in their early twenties who may ‘brag’ about their sexual stimulants and ED drugs whereas I think, why do you need these? What else is going on that makes you feel the need to do more?”

                As most of us guys in midlife and beyond well know, sometimes we need help staying healthy and active as we age.

                “As men age, our modern life conspires to slowly grind us down,” says Dr. Brant. “The most obvious role for supplements is rounding out a diet in which we lack the necessary elements.  But less obvious is that our bodies cannot tell the difference between life-threatening stress and life stress. So, we are revved up, constantly on guard and not allowing for restoration. It’s hard to sift through the evidence for various supplement components, but some have reasonable evidence of both safety and efficacy.” 

                Dr. Brant concludes saying,

                “The men’s sexual wellness category is crowded with quick-fix, performance-driven pills that promise instant results, rely on stimulants, or frame sexual health as something men only address once something feels ‘wrong.’ As a result, many men either avoid the category altogether or cycle through products that won’t actually support long-term health.”

                If you would like to connect with Dr. Brant and his work you can reach him at menssexualhealthutah.com

                For those who would like to read more articles about men’s health, you can visit me at https://menalive.com/

The post Dr. William O. Brant on Male Sexual Health and The Risks and Benefits of Supplements appeared first on MenAlive.

                I have been working in the field of Gender-Specific Medicine and Men’s Health for more than fifty years. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that men’s health and women’s health cannot be separated. If we improve men’s health, we will also improve the health of women and vice versa.

                There are many reasons a man might become interested in the actress Sharon Stone. It is a surprising fact of my professional life that seeing Sharon featured on the cover of Vanity Fair magazine, led me to write my best-selling books, Male Menopause and Surviving Male Menopause. Here’s how it happened.

                While browsing through my local bookstore, I was drawn to a copy of Vanity Fair magazine. Well, to be absolutely honest, I was drawn to the cover photo of Sharon Stone, nude to the waist, with her hands cupping, but only partially covering, her breasts. Sharon was staring seductively into the eyes of the reader, with two-inch letters emblazoned across her bare midriff proclaiming, ‘WILD THING!’ I was sure there was something important Sharon had to tell me.

                However, I never read the article to find out, because just to the left of Sharon’s blond hair, right below the April 1993 dateline, were the words that grabbed me by the throat (actually a bit farther south than my throat) — “Male Menopause: The Unspeakable Passage by Gail Sheehy.” Those words spoke in a quiet but insistent voice.

                I had already been dealing with menopause issues as my midlife wife was going through the change. At first I was skeptical about the possibility that men might go through hormonal changes, but I decided to do the research.

                Male Menopause was published in 1997 and soon became an international best-seller. It has since been translated into more than fifteen foreign languages. My follow up book, Surviving Male Menopause: A Guide for Women and Men, was published in 2000. Although we have learned a great deal about the “change of life” for women, there continues to be a great deal of confusion and controversy surrounding the whole concept of what goes on at mid-life for men.

                 As Sheehy recognized in the 1993 article, “

                If menopause is the silent passage, ‘male menopause’ is the unspeakable passage. It is fraught with secrecy, shame, and denial. It is much more fundamental than the ending of the fertile period of a woman’s life, because it strikes at the core of what it is to be a man.”

                I was one of the early researchers who was speaking out about Male Menopause (also called Andropause or Manopause). Here are a few of the important things I’ve learned over the years and have shared in my books and articles.

What is Male Menopause?

                Male Menopause begins with hormonal, physiological, and chemical changes that occur in all men generally between the ages of forty and fifty-five, though it can occur as early as thirty-five or as late as sixty-five. These changes affect all aspects of a man’s life. Male Menopause is, thus, a physical condition with psychological, interpersonal, social, and spiritual dimensions.

What is The Purpose of Male Menopause?

                “The purpose of Male Menopause is to signal the end of the first part of a man’s life and prepare him for the second half. Male Menopause is not the beginning of the end, as many fear, but the end of the beginning. It is the passage to the most passionate, powerful, productive, and purposeful time of a man’s life.”

What Are The Most Common Symptoms of Male Menopause?

• Loss of libido and sexual desire, particularly with the partner you are with.
• Increased fantasy about having sex with others.
• Difficulty developing and maintaining erections.
• Increased irritability and anger.
• Taking longer to recover from injuries and illness.
• Having less endurance for physical activity.
• Increased anxiety and worry.
• Loss of self-confidence and joy.

What I Have Learned About Male Menopause

                Over the years, I have found two common views: (1) Male Menopause doesn’t exist. Only women go through a hormonally driven change of life. (2) If men do go through a change, it is only a hormonal change and can be “cured” by giving men supplemental testosterone.

                I’ve learned that neither of these views are true. Men do experience a change of life, whether we call it Male Menopause, Andropause, or Manopause. I called it Male Menopause because I believe there are more similarities than differences between what women and men experience. I also believe, as does Gail Sheehy, that it is much more complex than simply a loss of hormones but impacts all aspects of a man’s life.  

                For most of human existence our lifespan was quite limited to around forty years. Men and women rarely lived long enough to experience a “change of life.” Life was a climb up a mountain and we reached the peak when we were in our 20s and had produced children to keep our species going. Then, it was a quick decline down the mountain once the children were old enough to survive.

                But now humans can live into our 80s, 90s, and beyond. There is another mountain to climb and what we call Male Menopause is simply the transition to the second mountain. If top of the first mountain is called “Adulthood,” the peak of the second mountain, is “Super-Adulthood” or “Elderhood.” That is why I say that “Male Menopause is not the beginning of the end, as many fear, but the end of the beginning.”

Too Many Men Are Dying Before Their Time

                These are confusing and challenging times for most people, but particularly for men. It has been said that “Old age is not for sissies.” While many men are embracing the later years, too many are losing hope and giving up. The suicide rate for men is much higher than the rate for women and gets even worse the older we get.

                Take a look at this chart from the Centers for Disease Control (CDC):

Suicide rate among adults age 55 and older, by age group and sex: United States, 2021

            We see the men’s death rates on the left and women’s on the right for four different age groups, along with the different rate for all ages 55-85+ in black. Death by suicide is a huge problem for men as we age, particularly after retirement age.

                For those ages 55-64, the suicide rate is 3.4 times higher for males compared to females.  65-74 the suicide rate is 4.6 times higher for males. Between the ages of 75-84 the male/female ratio is 8 times higher for males. And for those 85 and older the suicide rate is nearly 17 times higher for males than females. There are challenges men and women face as we age, but clearly older men are feeling pressures that women do not experience and are losing hope for a better future. This needs to change. 

Welcome to the Second Mountain and an Expanded Understanding of Midlife and Aging

                My friend and colleague, Chip Conley, is transforming our understanding of midlife and what we can look forward to as we prepare for and climb the second mountain of life. Says Conley,

                “The midlife crisis is the butt of many jokes, but this long-derided life stage has an upside.”

                In his new book, Learning to Love Midlife: 12 Reasons Why Life Gets Better with Age, he expands our vision.

                “What if we could reframe our thinking about the natural transition of midlife not as a crisis, but as a chrysalis: a time when something profound awakens in us, as we shed our skin, spread our wings, and pollinate the world with our wisdom?“

                We know midlife and aging is not all sweetness and light. It isn’t easy letting go of old ways that no longer work for us. We all know what happens to the caterpillar. As Conley reminds us,

                “When it is fully grown, it uses a button of silk to fasten its body to a twig and then forms a chrysalis. Within this protective chrysalis, the transformational magic of metamorphosis occurs. While it’s a bit dark, gooey, and solitary, it’s a transition, not a crisis. And, of course, on the other side is a beautiful, winged butterfly.”

Learning About Men’s Health, Male Menopause, and How to Live Well in the Second Half of Life

                There is a lot we need to learn about life in the second half. Chip Conley suggests that there are three stages of midlife:

                1. Early midlife (Age 35-50)

                During early midlife we tend to experience some of the challenging physical and emotional transitions — a bit like adult puberty. We realize we are no longer young, but not yet old.

                2. The second stage of midlife (50-59)

                This is the core of midlife in our fifties when we’ve settled into this new era and are seeing some of the upside. We begin to see opportunities for growth and finding passions we never knew we had.

                3. Later midlife (60-75)

                We are still young enough to see and plan for what’s next, our senior years. Says Chip,

                “At 63, I am just getting acquainted with this third stage, but I do know it’s also when our body reminds us it doesn’t want to be forgotten.”

                I turned 82 last December and am well into the stage of Eldership. It’s a time when we are called to share what we know and have learned over our lifespan. Three years ago, I started the MenAlive Academy for Gender-Specific Healthcare. The Academy offers programs for both men and women who want to learn about the unique mental, emotional, and relational issues that men face. It also offers programs for healthcare providers who are working with men and their families.

                As my colleague Marianne J. Legato, M.D., Founder of the Foundation for Gender-Specific Medicine says,

                “Everywhere we look, the two sexes are startingly and unexpectedly different not only in their normal function but in the ways they experience illness.”

                If you would like more information about the MenAlive Academy for Gender-Specific Healthcare, drop me a note to Jed@MenAlive.com and put “MenAlive Academy” in the subject line. If you’d like to read more articles like these, I invite you to subscribe to our free weekly newsletter.

The post Sexual Secrets For Men Over 40: Surviving Male Menopause appeared first on MenAlive.

Editor’s Note: One Small Thing is a new series to help you take a simple step toward a healthy, impactful goal. Try this one thing and you’ll be heading in the right direction.

A move to a new city, remote work from home all day or a big change to social networks — your life experiences sometimes create loneliness that’s hard to shake.

But a little more investment in your community may make a big difference, said Dr. Gail Saltz, clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital.

One in 5 adults in the United States reported feeling loneliness “a lot of the day yesterday,” according to Gallup data released Tuesday.

Loneliness in the US is an epidemic, US Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy said last year. And research has shown that loneliness and isolation are linked to health concerns such as sleep problems, inflammation, depression, anxiety and a shorter lifespan.

One big problem is that after the start of the Covid-19 pandemic, many people lost opportunities to see friends, family and coworkers in person, said Dan Witters, research director of the Gallup National Health and Well-Being Index.

And although rates of loneliness are not as high now as they were during the height of the pandemic, they did go up this year, according to the Gallup research.

There are two kinds of loneliness, said Dr. Gemma Hughes, associate professor of healthcare management at the University of Leicester School of Business in the United Kingdom. Emotional isolation results from a lack of deep, emotional connection, and social isolation is the lack of social networks and daily interactions, she added. Both are important.

Building back deeper, more intimate connections may feel hard to do quickly to address your loneliness, but turning your attention to invest in your community may be one small thing you can do to help, Saltz said.

Invest in your community

Time spent with your best friend or close family is fantastic for addressing loneliness and isolation, but even a little bit more interaction during the day can help, Saltz said.

“When you run errands, chitchat. At your coffee shop say, ‘Hey, how’s your day going? Or what do you think about this new brew that they’ve got going?’” she said.

With people working and attending school from home, some of Chicago psychologist John Duffy’s patients find that they can go a whole day without interacting with another person, he said.

“Among my primary interventions over the past several years is to talk with people, face-to-face, in any given day,” Duffy said. “I find it’s most important to do so on days when my client is not inclined to engage or leave the house. They never regret those connections and interactions, however brief or inane.”

Having a pet that needs to go outside creates opportunities to exchange pleasantries with someone at the dog park or out on a walk, Saltz added.

Some of these interactions may mean redirecting your attention outward. Try keeping an eye out for opportunities to be kind to people you pass, she added.

“A lot of our separation right now has to do with people making no effort to be kind, not having that on their priority list at all,” Saltz said. “A lot of what’s torturous about social media, or even about in real life, is people being quick to be unkind, quick to be judgmental, quick to be divisive, quick to be like ‘you don’t see it the way I do.’”

And if you want nice interactions coming your way, you should give those to others, she said.

“Kindness tends to beget kindness,” Saltz said.

Engage by volunteering

If you are having trouble getting out for casual interaction, consider signing up for regular volunteering, Saltz said.

“Helping other people definitely makes you feel good,” she said. “Whether you’re lonely or not, it’s a mood booster, and it definitely is connecting with other people in addition.”

Liking what you do every day can address feelings of loneliness, so volunteering for an organization that you care about can make a big difference, according to the Gallup data.

“The evolutionary theory of loneliness suggests the loneliness acts as kind of a warning system, promoting us to go and find company, because being alone is not good for us; we are social creatures who need the company of others,” Hughes said in an email.

“Responding to that signal by engaging in volunteering or other community activities can be a way towards establishing meaningful connections.”

Combat social anxiety

For some people, bumping into strangers and exchanging a few nice words may be easy, but for others doing so can be scary. And their social anxiety may have grown worse since years of avoiding contact have left them out of practice, Duffy said.

The root of such social anxiety is self-judgment, Saltz said.

You might be afraid that you will say something stupid, embarrass yourself or get rejected, but “thoughts are just thoughts. They are not predictors of the future,” she said. “They are not statements of fact. They are not an accurate reading of the mind of the other person.”

Let those thoughts happen and then pass, said Saltz, who also recommends rehearsing a couple of lines to strike up future conversations.

“Go out feeling a little prepared,” she said. “If thoughts come up after that, remind yourself they’re just anxious thoughts.”

Even with preparation, it may be helpful to drop the expectation that interacting with people must always go perfectly, Duffy added.

“In all likelihood, they may stumble. They may say something they regret,” he said. “But the effect of these connections in aggregate makes a huge difference, and over time, helps to manage that social anxiety.”

Keep up your good habits

As you push yourself to engage more in public and work to make long-lasting friendships, it is important to ensure you are practicing good habits, Saltz said.

When you are feeling lonely, it can be harder to reach out to the relationships you already have to set up time together or talk on the phone, so make sure you do so, she added.

And social media may seem like a quick fix, but it often leaves people feeling more isolated, so try to cut down on the amount of time you spend online, Saltz said.

Your relationship with yourself also continues to be important, even when you are lonely, she said.

“When someone is struggling with loneliness, other kinds of self-care often are helpful,” she said. “Being out in nature, even by yourself, is known to boost mood, for example. Being involved in a hobby, even if it doesn’t include other people but something that engages you, is helpful for you.”

And don’t forget to get good aerobic exercise to manage stress, anxiety and depression, Saltz said.

But if your feelings of loneliness are making you sad and empty much of the day, or if they’re affecting your ability to sleep, eat and do anything fun, then Saltz recommends that you talk with a mental health professional.

Editor’s note: If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, help is available. Dial or text 988 or visit 988lifeline.org for free and confidential support.

                Many people all over the country have been involved with the “No Kings” movement and rallies. We had more than 1,000 participate in our small town of Willits, California. I have been a rebel with a cause my whole life. My parents were active in the human rights and labor movements in the 1950s and my father was one of the black-listed writers in Hollywood who stood up against McCarthism. My causes have involved love, compassion, and dignity for all people and true partnership with the communities of life on planet Earth.

                Timothy Snyder is a widely respected professor and author of numerous books including On Freedom and On Tyranny. He says,

                “The Founding Fathers tried to protect us from the threat they knew, the tyranny that overcame ancient democracy. Today, our political order faces new threats, not unlike the totalitarianism of the twentieth century. We are no wiser than the Europeans who saw democracy yield to fascism, Nazism, or communism. Our one advantage is that we might learn from their experience.”

                Snyder goes on to ask,

                “What does it mean to be commemorating 250 years of the American republic? To an uncanny degree, what the Trump people in this 250th year are doing is repeating the abuses that the American founders complained about: arbitrary taxation; taxation without representation; imperial attitudes; wars without consent.”

                He calls us to fight for democracy in the same way our founding fathers did.

                “To honor the origins of our republic, says Snyder, “doesn’t mean going back to the eighteenth century. It means being rebels in our own time. It means demanding freedom, aiming for something radically better in the future.”

                Certainly men are not the only ones who can fall under the spell of fascism, but there is a reason historian Ruth Ben-Ghiat said in her prescient book Strongmen: Mussolini to the Present published in 2020,

                “Ours is the age of authoritarian rulers: self-proclaimed saviors of the nation who evade accountability while robbing their people of truth, treasure, and the protections of democracy. They use masculinity as a symbol of strength and a political weapon. Taking what you want, and getting away with it, becomes proof of male authority. They use propaganda, corruption, and violence to stay in power.”

                 In her book she described seventeen examples of authoritarian leaders, all of them men including:

• Benito Mussolini, Prime minister of Italy
• Adolph Hitler, Chancellor of Germany
• Saddam Hussein, Prime minister of Iraq
• Victor Orban, Hungarian prime minister
•  Vladimir Putin, President of Russia
• Donald J. Trump, President of the United States of America

                Ben-Ghiat concludes saying,

                “They promise law and order then legitimize law-breaking by financial, sexual, and other predators.”

MenAlive: A Community of Rebels For Men and Their Families

                Another step in my own “rebellion” occurred during the birth of our first child on November 21, 1969. After coaching my wife through the pre-birth Lamaze breathing methods we had learned, I was told she was ready to move into the delivery room.

                “Your job is done, now Mr. Diamond,” the nurse told me. “You can go out to the waiting room, and we’ll let you know when you can see your wife and child.”

                The hospital rules had been explained to us both: Fathers were not allowed in the delivery room. That was OK with me. Although I felt I was able to coach my wife during the first stages of birth, I was afraid I might pass out or otherwise be more of a hindrance than a help during the actual delivery.

                I hugged my wife and wished her luck as she was wheeled one way toward the delivery room and I went the other direction toward the waiting room. But I never made it through the waiting room doors. I felt a calling from my unborn child: I don’t want a waiting-room father. Your place is here with us.

                I turned around and walked back the way I had come and found the delivery room. I walked through the doors and took my place at the head of the table. There was no question of leaving, if asked. My child needed me and my response was more important than following the rules. Amid tears of relief and joy our son, Jemal, came into the world and he was handed to me.

                Holding him for the first time I made a vow that I would be a different kind of father than my father was able to be for me and to do everything I could to create a world where fathers were fully healed and involved with their families throughout their lives.

                When we met and fell in love in college, my future wife and I talked about our desire for children. We decided we would have one child then adopt a child. Even in 1964 we felt the world was becoming overcrowded. Three years after Jemal was born, we adopted a 2 ½ month old African American little girl we named Angela.

                My website MenAlive was launched in 1972 as my window to the world. The purpose of MenAlive is to share ways we can come together to create a world of true partnership. I want everyone to live fully authentic lives, to love deeply and well, and to make a positive difference in the world.

                My first book, Inside Out: Becoming My Own Man, was published in 1983. I have now written 17 books including international best-sellers, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places, Surviving Male Menopause, and The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression.

                I write articles and interview experts on various aspects of men’s mental, emotional, and relational health. One of my recent articles, “Father Time: How Dad’s Are Being Called to Change the World for Good,” featured one of my colleagues, Dr. Sarah Hrdy. Dr. Hrdy is an anthropologist and primatologist and one of the world’s leading experts on the evolutionary basis of female behavior in both nonhuman and human primates. She has recently turned her attention to men.

                After seeing how her own sons were connected to children in ways she had previously assumed was what came naturally only to women, she researched and eventually wrote a book called Father Time: A Natural History of Men and Babies. She found that fathers are as biologically capable of nurturing small children as mothers are.

                She said, “My unexpected finding is that inside every man there lurk ancient caretaking tendencies that render a man every bit as protective and nurturing as the most committed mother. It is a journey that has forced me to rethink long held assumptions about man’s innately selfish, competitive, and violent nature, what Darwin described as his ‘natural and unfortunate birthright.” 

                At MenAlive we have always known that men and women may be different in many ways, but when it comes to loving and nurturing children, we are as biologically programmed and capable of developing the same skills that mothers learn to develop. I will soon be introducing our MenAlive community to other expert colleagues. I describe what is coming in my recent article: “The Future of MenAlive: From Men’s Health to Relational Healing and Transformation.”

                Come join us. You can read my latest blog posts here. If you feel called to change the world for good, I invite you to join us.

The post Becoming Rebels in Our Own Time: Calling on Men To Change the World for Good appeared first on MenAlive.

                I have been helping men and women improve their love lives for more than fifty years. There are two reasons this work has become my life’s mission. The first is that I know the pain and suffering that results when a relationship we thought was going to bring us love everlasting crashes and burns. In my welcome video, “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor,” I share my own experiences.  The second reason is that I also know the joy of having a marriage that has lasted for forty-six wonderful years. I share what Carlin and I have learned in my book, The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why the Best is Still to Come.

                I believe we all want to find the love of our lives and learn how to build a relationship where real lasting love is a reality. I’ve learned a lot over the years, but there is always more to discover. I recently learned about a new book, Bonded by Evolution: The New Science of Love and Connection by Paul Eastwick. The book has expanded my understanding of what goes wrong in our search for love and how the new science of relational evolutionary psychology can help us all find the love of our lives and build the relationship of our dreams. You can watch my interview with Dr. Eastwick here.

                Paul Eastwick is professor of psychology at UC Davis, where he serves as the head of the Social Personality Psychology program and the director of the Attraction and Relationships Research Laboratory. He says,

                “Modern media and culture have taught us a vast array of inaccurate ideas about dating and relationships. One idea is that romantic relationships are a negotiation between two parties offering value, extracting benefits, and attempting to maintain a competitive edge. Sitting at the center of it all is a person’s personal ‘mate value’ — their true, core desirability — to be leveraged on the mating market to get what they want and deserve. She’s hot, he’s rich, let’s make a deal.”

                In our modern world where everything has a price and we are driven to compete to get what we need, it isn’t surprising that dating and mating has become complicated and confusing for most people. Many men and women have come to believe they can never win. Fortunately, there is a better way to live and to love.

The Science of Close Relationships

                Based on Dr. Eastwick’s extensive research and study, he helped me understand what makes a bond strong and what bonds do to help us survive and thrive. Support comes in two forms. In one form, two people help each other recover from adversity. He describes this form as “safe haven” support. In the other form, two people help each other rise to meet new challenges. He calls this providing a “secure base.”

                I really resonated with these ideas. One of my most popular articles, read by more than 4,000,000 people, is called “The One Thing That Men Want More Than Sex.” In the article I say,

                “We’ve all heard that women need to feel loved to have sex, but men need to have sex to feel loved. Let’s look more deeply at what it is exactly that men are getting when they get sex. Sure, there is the physical pleasure, but there is a deeper need that is being satisfied. I call it the need for a safe harbor.”

                To appreciate the importance of safety and security in our intimate relationships, we need to recognize the importance of attachment bonds in humans. Dr. Eastwick described the work of Dr. John Bowlby and his colleague Dr. Mary Ainsworth. In the mid-twentieth century, Drs. Bowlby and Ainsworth studied what happens to infants and young children when they are separated from their caregivers. 

                In those days, popular parenting advice in the West cautioned against overindulging children’s emotional needs. Many believed that too much affection was tantamount to spoiling. To Bowlby and Ainsworth — and others including Dr. Harry Harlow, famous for his studies on maternal separation and social isolation in rhesus monkeys — this advice was deeply misguided.

                Dr. Eastwick noted that natural selection installed a mechanism to mitigate the danger that was present for all babies as they begin to explore their world. The young ones would seek out specific well-known others, such as fathers, mothers, and other caregivers, who are responsive and engage them in play, and comfort them when they are distressed.

                With his understanding of relational evolutionary psychology Dr. Eastwick notes that sometime during the last few million years, natural selection repurposed the attachment system to apply beyond our early childhood relationships. Specifically, evolution applied the attachment system to adult mating relationships, too.

                Understanding that adults have a similar need for safety and support as children, is critically important in understanding how to have successful adult relationships.

                “Of course, sexuality and sexual desire remained central to mating relationships,” says Paul Eastwick in his book Bonded by Evolution. “Those elements didn’t go anywhere, and they commonly kickstart the whole process. But mating wasn’t just about sex anymore. It was also about an emotional bond, or ‘pair-bond.’”

Evolutionary Based Relational Solutions for Dating and Mating in the Real World Today

                Dr. Eastwick says, “We are creatures who evolved to form sexual relationships and romantic attachments within small networks. Mate value and competitive markets have limited influence on how these bonds form and take shape, and they likely had even less influence in the environments in which humans evolved.”

                Here are a few real relationship solutions that can help you find the love of your life and develop an intimate relationship that lasts forever:

• Join a men’s group where you can share your truth and learn from others.

                My wife, Carlin, tells friends that the main reason she and I have had a wonderful 46-year marriage is because I have been in a men’s group for 47 years. The group came into being in 1979 following a gathering with the psychologist Herb Goldberg who wrote the book The Hazards of Being Male. In the book he says,

                “The male has paid a heavy price for his masculine ‘privilege’ and power. He is out of touch with his emotions and his body. He is playing by the rules of the male game plan and with lemming-like purpose he is destroying himself — emotionally, psychologically, and physically.”

                Over the years we’ve gotten to know each other deeply and supported each other as we learned to open-up and share our deepest feelings. The group always supports our maleness but is also respectful and caring towards women. In recent years, some males have gravitated to groups in the “manosphere” that see women as the enemy. The opposite has always been true in our men’s group. I’ve written about our experiences in my book, 12 Rules for Good Men.

• Build mixed-gender networks.

                A lot has been written about the increase in loneliness, particularly among boys and men. There are many reasons for this, but the bottom line is that we need to connect with people where we can enjoy each other’s company and get to know each other doing things we enjoy together. My wife, Carlin, and I met in a Aikido dojo where men and women learned this peaceful martial art.

                In recent years more and more people, young and old, spend time connecting with each other on their cell phones. Nothing wrong with that, but humans are meant to interact with each other face-to-face, in small groups. Finding places where you connect with others not only helps reverse the loneliness epidemic, but is the kind of natural way to meet that special someone we all want and need.

• Understand the pros and cons of online dating.

                Dr. Eastwick points out that going online certainly gives us more people to choose from, but there is a downside. The first problem with online dating is choice overload.

                “Having too many options,” says Dr. Eastwick, “tends to make people more dissatisfied with their eventual selection.”  

                Many come to believe that there is always someone better with the next swipe.

                The second problem is that online dating is often demeaning as people feel they are being judged and often selected against. It’s easy to feel there is something wrong with us, that we are inherently undesirable when we are not chosen. Dr. Eastwick also points out that when we do attract attention it many not be the kind of attention we want, especially if you’re a woman.

                When we meet people in real-life social situations, our network of friends probably contains a number of people who are looking out for your best interests. They support us in moving towards people they know are safe and caring and steer us away from those who may be hurtful.

                Dr. Eastwick offers good advice for finding a partner that we’re compatible with if we choose to connect in the on-line dating world: Limit the pool and stay for the third impression.

                He says that people tend to go out with too many people from a pool that they have filtered too heavily. He reminds us that real compatibility can not be predicted by superficial traits. We have to get to know each other and see how we feel being together. He suggests a three-date approach, and research shows that first impressions are usually unreliable, but three impressions give us the best chance of success.

                “By impression, I mean your physical attraction,” says Dr. Eastwick, “but also how they make you feel, and how much you enjoy being around them. It includes how you feel about yourself when you’re together.”

                There is a lot we can learn about love and life and finding the right relationship that will last through time. To learn more about Paul Eastwick, his book, and his work, you can visit him here: https://pauleastwick.com/pauleastwick.

                You can learn more about me and my work by visiting me at www.MenAlive.com. I invite you to subscribe to my free weekly newsletter where I share tips and guidance for living fully, loving deeply, and making a positive difference in the world.

The post How to Find the Love of Your Life and Build the Relationship of Your Dreams appeared first on MenAlive.

                Dr. Eric Maisel is a long-time colleague and friend. He is the author of more than fifty books including Brave New Mind: The Art of Serene Readiness, which I found to be an extremely relevant and important resource for everyone living in today’s challenging world. I recently had the good fortune to interview Eric for my podcast series.

                In Brave New Mind, he captures what millions of men and women are experiencing today.

                “We’ve all been rushing about with no chance of catching up,” he says. “We desperately need a brave new mind that can take into account our brave new world at once strange and inhuman, awash with material goods and loneliness, orchestrated by feckless billionaires more powerful than governments.”

                I first became acquainted with Eric’s work in 2007 when I read his book, The Van Gogh Blues: The Creative Person’s Path Through Depression. It spoke deeply to the challenges I had faced in my life dealing with my own depression as well as what my father experienced. I wrote about our own healing journey in my book, My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound and developed an on-line course, “Healing the Family Father Wound” for everyone who has grown up with a father who was distant, absent, or dysfunctional.

                “Creative people will experience depression that’s a given,” he says in The Van Gogh Blues. “It’s a given because they are regularly confronted by doubts about the meaningfulness of their efforts. Theirs is a kind of depression that does not respond to pharmaceutical treatment. What’s required is healing in the realm of meaning.”

                As a psychotherapist who specializes in Gender-Specific Medicine and Men’s Mental, Emotional, and Relational Health, I share Dr. Maisel’s perspective on mental illness and mental health. I agree, too, that things have gotten significantly worse since 2007 when The Van Gogh Blues was first published. In reflecting on today’s world, Eric shares what he is seeing now.

                “Many minds will simply crash. Millions upon millions of minds will not be able to sustain coherence, motivation, hope, or anything. They will descend into pits with names like depression, anxiety, addiction, suicide. We see this happening everywhere and every day.”

Developing the Art of Serene Readiness

                We don’t have to accept the bleak future of mental exhaustion and breakdown. In Brave New Mind, Dr. Maisel offers real solutions including:

• A way to handle our increasingly stressful times in all areas of our lives.
• Joining the powers of serenity and alertness of oneself.
• Creating new ways of coping with depression, anxiety, addiction, and other mental illnesses.
• Finding renewed strength and motivation that you may have lost.
• Making new meaning and finding your life purpose.
• Developing a brave new mind equal to this moment in time.

                In a recent article “The Pathway of Personal Code,” Dr. Maisel says,

                “To maintain a personal code is to orient one’s life around principles rather than impulses. It is to live deliberately in a world that often rewards expediency. The act of holding to a code, especially when it costs something, restores depth to one’s experience and coherence to one’s identity. It turns mere existence into moral authorship.”

                In our interview, he talked about the need to become “rebel warriors,” to stand up for what is right and challenge the forces that dehumanize people. In my book, The Warrior’s Journey Home, Healing Men, Healing the Planet, I quoted meditation master Chögyam Trungpa who described warriorship this way:

                “Warriorship here does not refer to making war on others. Aggression is the source of our problems, not the solution. Here the word ‘warrior’ is taken from the Tibetan pawo which literally means ‘one who is brave.’ Warriorship in this context is the tradition of human bravery, or the tradition of fearlessness.” Trungpa concludes saying, “Warriorship is not being afraid of who you are.”

                One of the specific practices I found most helpful in Brave New Mind was the use of what Eric Maisel called “Prime Directives.” In addressing the challenges of life and maintaining serene readiness to act when we are called upon to act, Maisel says,

                “Imagine offering a simple instruction to your mind and inviting it to use that instruction all the time.”

                He calls these instructions prime directives. One that I particularly appreciate and use regularly is this: Do the next right thing.

                It reminds me to slow down and before I react emotionally and jump into an action, I ask myself, what is the next right thing to do? Eric says,

                “This suggestive, impressionistic phrase would stand for all of the following: that you want to be ethical, productive, proactive, and that what comes next is a choice that you get to make.”

                Particularly when I’m under stress and prone to react in ways that are not helpful, pausing a moment, taking a deep breath and repeating in my mind to do the next right thing helps me stay present, relaxed, and alert, and to engage actions that serve me, my values, and what is needed in the world.

                If you’d like to learn more about Dr. Eric Maisel and his work, you can visit him at Ericmaisel.com. 

                If you would like to watch my engaging interview with Eric, you may do so here.

                You can also subscribe to my free weekly newsletter and learn more about my own work in the world.

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