I have been a marriage and family counselor for more than fifty years. One of the primary problems that people have come to me for help involves issues with sex and love. In my book, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places, I said,
“When we find that our romantic relationships are a series of disappointments yet continue to pursue them, we are looking for love in all the wrong places. When we are in a committed relationship but find the sex and love we once had has disappeared and we are looking elsewhere, we are looking for love in all the wrong places.”
The subtitle of the book was Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions. I quoted Dr. Stanton Peele, an authority on addiction who said,
“Many of us are addicts, only we don’t know it. Interpersonal addiction — love addiction — is just about the most common yet least recognized form of addiction we know.”
When Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions was published in 1988, I became a sought-after expert, and many men and women come to me for counseling. Yet, things have changed dramatically in recent years. Like all animals we have a biological drive to mate and raise children to do the same, but humans, unlike other species, seem to be having problems even connecting with others to do what other animals do naturally.
A new report by the Kinsey Institute and reported by DatingNews.com, “State of Us: National Study on Modern Love & Dating in 2025,” headlined: The Great Dating Deficit: U.S. Singles Averaged Fewer Than 2 Dates Last Year. The study was led by Dr. Justin Lehmiller and Dr. Amanda Gesselman. I recently spoke to Dr. Lehmiller and was surprised to hear some of their significant findings:
- U.S. singles averaged just 1.74 in-person dates last year, revealing a dating deficit.
- While women said they went on 1.40 dates last year, men went on 2.08 dates.
“That number may not seem significant on the surface, but it suggests that men are going on 48% more dates than women,” says Dr. Lehmiller. “These findings reveal a contrast in how men and women have approached dating. It’s a tale of two stories. While men seem to be raking in slightly more dates, women have shown a higher likelihood of pulling back from dating altogether. However, the gender difference in number of dates could also reflect a difference in how men and women define what ‘counts’ as a date.”
- Singles are having less sex, with most reporting partner intercourse of 2-3 times/year.
From my own experience working with men of all ages, I know that many men are turning to “fantasy sex,” including masturbation while watching pornography or have an erotic chat with an Artificial Intelligence bot.
- 40% of singles consider themselves celibate. “Half see this as a voluntary choice,” says Dr. Lehmiller, “but the other half see themselves as involuntarily celibate.”
- 37% of Gen Z adults (18-28 years old) identify as celibates.
“For many young adults, the decision to opt out of sex is deeply intertwined with socioeconomic issues like inflation, political instability, and threats to reproductive rights,” says Dr. Lehmiller. “Gen Z isn’t necessarily avoiding sex due to a lack of desire, but more so because they feel like they have to protect themselves, for they simply want to focus on themselves for a while first.”
According to an Institute for Family Studies (IFS)/YouGov survey, Generation Z and Millennials interact more often with generative AI. Survey results show that one in four young adults — 28 percent of men and 22 percent of women — say AI can very likely replace traditional human romantic partners.
Unexpected Surprises:
Most people are surprised that young people are dating less and enjoying very little sexual pleasure with a partner. I remember in my younger years I felt totally inept and inadequate, but I still managed to date and had an adequate sex life during my youth. You don’t have to be a wild-life biologist to see that in most of the animal kingdom — the birds, bees, bears, beavers, and other living things; are all actively engaged in finding mates, having sex, and raising babies who grow up to do the same. Humans, not so much.
Another surprise is that many assume that young people are using the latest technologies to find a date and a partner for sex, love, and intimacy. But that is not the case. Dr. Lehmiller told me,
“Contrary to what people assume, singles of all ages want to connect, ‘the old-fashioned way’ person-to-person with real humans.”
- Only 15% of those surveyed used on-line dating apps to meet people.
- Males used dating apps almost twice as frequently as women (20% for males vs. 11% for females.)
Both males and females felt that dating apps didn’t offer the results they were looking for and men felt particularly frustrated. Dr. Lehmiller said that males are at a real disadvantage with on-line dating.
“Tinder is an online dating where people swipe right if they like the profile of a person or left if they don’t. Many other dating sites use a similar initial screening. If you are a female on Tinder your chances of being liked are 1 in 10. If you are male your changes are 1 in 100.”
It’s not surprising with those kinds of odds that men feel frustrated.
Back to the Future: Getting Help Today for a Successful Sex and Love Life
According to dating statistics from eharmony, around 80 million people in the U.S. are now using dating apps or websites — or about 30% of the adult population. There are more than 8,000 dating sites to choose from. Yet, several studies show that dating app success rates are less than 10%, while skilled coaches and matchmakers show success rates as high as 80% in delivering what people want, not just a date, but a relationship brings love, sex, intimacy, and a true partnership for life.
When I wrote Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places in 1988, I recognized that there were millions of men and women who were hungry for love but were not getting their needs met. The needs haven’t changed. People still want to improve their love lives, but the challenges are even greater now than in the past.
People who visit my website, MenAlive.com see my welcome video, “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor.” I shared with my community that even with all my expertise as a successful marriage and family therapist I was still having problems in my personal life. I also talked about my commitment to finding answers to the question, “How to I find the right partner and have a great marriage that lasts a lifetime?”
In my book, The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why The Best is Still to Come, I described what I had learned, how I found the woman of my dreams, and how we have had a successful marriage for 45 wonderful years and still going strong. I still offer counseling and coaching services for clients and usually have a waiting list for my services.
I recently had the opportunity to meet and interview Adam Cohen-Aslatei, CEO of Three Day Rule, a personalized and modern matchmaking service for high-intent singles seeking meaningful connections. Since launching in 2010, Three Day Rule has been on a mission to show successful singles that matchmaking can be modern, affordable, and accessible.
I was pleased to see that there are more opportunities for singles who still believe in love, but don’t have a lot of time to waste. Matchmaking in U.S. has grown over 40% just in the last year, according to Three Day Rule.
We need more experts who are real people offering real support. In Dr. Lehmiller’s study they noted the following:
- Only 4% of the singles (3% of women and 5% of men) reported using dating or relationship coaching.
- Only 3% of the singles (2% women; 5% men) used professional matchmaking services.
For those who want to find out more about the survey, you can link to this story, which covers many of the things we discussed in our interview:
https://www.datingnews.com/daters-pulse/the-great-dating-deficit-survey/
If you want to link to Dr. Lehmiller’s other work you can do so below:
https://www.sexandpsychology.com/
I always enjoy your feedback and comments. You can get my free weekly newsletter with new articles and information about my work below:
https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/
The post Why Humans Are the Only Species Who Needs Help Dating and Mating appeared first on MenAlive.