Many of us have been caught up in what I call “The Approach/Avoidance Dance.” We think we have found someone to love and things are going well. Then suddenly they begin to distance themselves. They may pick a fight or slowly drift away, but just when the relationship is starting to feel good, the other person starts moving in the other direction. But just when you try to give them space, they start coming back and acting like they want to hold you and never let you go. It can be crazy making.
As a psychotherapist who has worked with individuals and couples for more than fifty years, this pattern is very familiar. I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Laura Dabney about her new book, I Need You… Now Go Away!: Reclaiming Your Life When Someone You Love Has a Personality Disorder. You can watch the interview here.
I asked Dr. Dabney questions I thought would be most helpful to my readers and those who watch my periodic podcasts:
- When did you first decide to go to medical school and what did you hope to do when you first became a doctor?
- What first drew you to psychiatry?
- Tell us about your present practice and how it has evolved?
- Please tell us about your new book. When did you first decide to write it and why?
- What is the root cause of these difficult patterns of behavior?
- What do people need to know to find real lasting love?
Many people have heard of the term “Personality Disorder,” but don’t really know what they are. According to the Cleveland Clinic,
“Personality disorders are a group of a ten mental health conditions that involve long-lasting, disruptive patterns of thinking, behavior, mood and relating to others.”
They include:
- Paranoid personality disorder
- Schizoid personality disorder
- Schizotypal personality disorder
- Antisocial personality disorder
- Borderline personality disorder
- Histrionic personality disorder
- Narcissistic personality disorder
- Avoidant personality disorder
- Dependent personality disorder
- Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder
The names are often frightening and confusing for people. Dr. Dabney has a great deal of experience helping real people in the real world. She offers guidance into this mysterious world and eliminates the fears that are often associated with these labels.
She says that many people find themselves in the same painful relationship patterns – choosing the wrong partners, replaying the same arguments, or feeling misunderstood again and again. These struggles are not about bad luck or flaws, but about inherited distorted intimacy patterns that have become stuck over time.
Psychiatry sometimes calls these “personality disorders,” a term that can sound frightening or insulting. In reality, the names simply point to long-standing ways of relating that can sabotage the very relationships we long for. And this is true no matter which side of the problem you believe you’re on: whether you’re disrupting closeness or struggling with someone else’s disruptive behavior. The good news is that change is possible.
With the right therapeutic guidance, people can recognize their patterns, learn healthier ways of connecting, and can finally experience the lasting intimacy they long for.
“If you’ve noticed the same struggles repeating, know this,” says Dr. Dabney. “Change is not only possible, it’s within reach.”
You can learn more about Dr. Dabney and her work at: https://www.drldabney.com/
I have a similar understanding and approach to working with people as Dr. Dabney does. Although giving people a mental illness diagnosis can be helpful. There are downsides as well. I’ve found it is much more helpful to recognize that we can help people without labelling them.
I describe my approach in many of my popular books including, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places and The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why the Best is Still to Come. I also have courses available as well as private counseling for individuals and couples.
You can learn more about me and my work at https://menalive.com/. Come visit me there.
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