Scott Galloway’s new book, Notes on Being a Man, arrived yesterday. My wife, Carlin, got it first. She had just seen an interview with Scott on the talk show, The View. I had been on The View when Barbara Walters was the host following the publication of my book, Male Menopause, and very much enjoyed the lively discussion. There was a similar engagement I recognized when Scott was interviewed which I watched this morning. I thought Scott was particularly vulnerable as he described the impact his absent father had on his life.
I have followed Scott’s work since 2022 when I read his book, Adrift: America in 100 Charts and was particularly interested in these charts:
- Marriage Rates Are at Record Lows
- Women Value Earning Potential in Male Partners
- Men’s Share of College Enrollment at Record Lows
- Online Dating Apps Are More Inequitable Than Almost Anywhere on Earth
- Mass Murder Is a Uniquely Male Crime
I also have followed his podcasts and newsletter, No Mercy/No Malice, and happy to see his increasing interest in the state of boys and men, which he credits to his colleague Richard Reeves, who he calls “my Yoda on this subject.” I have long admired the work of Richard Reeves since reading his 1997 book, Dream Hoarders: How the American Upper Middle Class is Leaving Everyone Else in the Dust, Why That is a Problem, and What to Do About It.
When Reeve’s book, Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do About, was published in 2022 and he founded the American Institute for Boys and Men, I felt it was a real game-changer in our work to improve the lives of males and their families.
When Reeves co-wrote a book with Jonathan Juravich, the 2023 National Elementary Art Teacher of the Year, Yes Boys Can! Inspiring Stories of Men Who Changed the World, I interviewed Reeves and Juravich for my podcast. I also wrote an article, “Men Can Heal: Getting Men Into the Jobs of the Future.”
My professional engagement with men’s work began following the birth of our son, Jemal, in 1969. When I held my baby boy shortly after his birth, I made a vow that I would be a different kind of father than my father had been able to be for me and to do everything I could to help create a world where fathers were fully involved with their families throughout their lives. When our daughter, Angela, was born in 1972, it became increasingly clear to me that there were significant differences between males and females.
Talking and writing about male/female differences has always been controversial. I had difficulty finding a publisher for my first book, Inside Out: Becoming My Own Man. I was told by many publishers that “men don’t read books on health.” Others told me the personal stories I shared “weren’t appropriate for a professional to be writing about.” I learned about self-publishing and founded my own company, Fifth Wave Press. I finally got an offer from a reputable publishing house, but by then I decided I wanted to do it myself and the book was published in 1983.
Inside out was controversial from the beginning because I didn’t hold back from sharing my personal feelings and experiences. I described the challenges of growing up with an absent father and being raised by a mother who was obsessed with death. In the first chapter I described the fears that had driven me for most of my life:
- My feelings will destroy me if I let them out.
- I will go crazy like my father.
- There is something dangerous and violent in me waiting to destroy the people I love the most.
- Women will appear to love me, but when they learn the truth about how confused and weak I really am, they will leave me.
I also described what I called the Ten Commandments that drive me:
- Thou shalt not be weak, nor have weak gods before thee.
- Thou shalt not fail thyself, nor fail as thy father before thee.
- Thou shalt not keep holy any day that denies thy work.
- Thou shalt not express strong emotions, neither high nor low.
- Thou shalt not cry, complain, or ask for help.
- Thou shalt not be hostile or angry towards loved ones, no matter how they treat thee.
- Thou shalt not be uncertain nor ambivalent.
- Thou shalt not be dependent.
- Thou shalt now acknowledge thy death or thy limitations.
- Thou shalt do unto other men before they do unto you. Its every man for himself.
The journey to heal old wounds and beliefs colored by trauma never ends. My children have been my greatest teachers. I have had the great fortune of being part of a supportive men’s group. My wife, Carlin, will tell you that one of the main reasons she feels we have had a successful forty-five-year marriage is because I have been in a men’s group for forty-six years.
Scott Galloway, Richard Reeves, and I come from different backgrounds and bring different experiences to what we believe is important to know about boys and men. The one thing we have in common is what changed for us when our sons were born.
Scott introduces his book, Notes on Being a Man this these words:
“In 2007, late in life, I became a dad for the first time, looking on unsteadily as my son was born, I didn’t fall in love immediately, though soon enough I did. Three years later, our second son was born. More unconditional love, shadowed a few years later by worry about what I was seeing and hearing online and off.”
Richard Reeves shares these words in his book, Of Boys and Men:
“I have been worrying about boys and men for 25 years. That comes with the territory when you raise three boys, all now grown men, George, Bryce, Cameron: I love you beyond measure. That’s why, even now, I sometimes worry about you. But my anxiety has spilled over into my day job…It has become clear to me that there are growing numbers of boys and men who are struggling in school, at work, and in the family. I used to fret about three boys and young men. Now I am worried about millions.”
In my book, 12 Rules for Good Men, I shared more about the birth of our son, Jemal:
“When the time came for my wife to go into the delivery room, the nurse smiled and turned to me. ‘Okay Mr. Diamond, you can head for the waiting room, and we will let you know as soon as the baby arrives.’ I knew the rules that didn’t allow fathers in the delivery room. I kissed my wife as she was wheeled towards the room where our child would come into the world. I walked the other direction to the waiting room. But as I got ready to push through the doors something stopped me. I heard the voice of my unborn child whispering in my ear, ‘I don’t want a waiting-room father. Your place is here with us.’ I turned around and walked back down the hallway and pushed my way into the delivery room. There was no question of my leaving if asked. My child called and I knew where I had to be.”
I know the three of us feel blessed to be fathers and wanting to do everything we can to be the kind of men who will be worthy of this great gift of fatherhood. I’m glad that we can share what we have learned with the world. There will be more to come. I write a new article every week. I invite you to join our community and subscribe to our free newsletter with tips about love and life and articles that will introduce you to other friends and colleagues.
I appreciate your feedback and comments and read each one, though I don’t always have time to answer personally. You can always reach me at Jed@MenAlive.com
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