Mental Health

                Since I turned eighty-one years old in December 2024, I have been reflecting on what I’ve learned about being a man. As a sensitive and introverted child raised by a single mom I had no idea what it meant to be a man. I was clear about what a man should do–Get educated so I could catch an attractive woman, marry her, have kids, and become rich and famous.

                By the time I was thirty-five, I had graduated from U.C. Berkeley with a master’s degree in social work, had met and married my college sweetheart, was the proud father of a son and daughter, was earning good money, and was imagining the next steps to fame and fortune. I was also stressed, depressed, angry, and on the verge of divorce. I felt confused, lost, and discouraged.

                When I was at my lowest point, having intermittent thoughts of ending my life, I chanced to see a poster on a bulletin board that offered a tiny glimpse of hope.

“Men, come and share a day with other men and hear psychologist Herb Goldberg, author of The Hazards of Being Male.”

                Fifteen guys met on April 21, 1979 and heard Dr. Goldberg tell us that,

“The male has paid a heavy price for his masculine ‘privilege’ and power. He is out of touch with his emotions and his body. He is playing by the rules of the male game plan and with lemming-like purpose is destroying himself—emotionally, psychologically, and physically.”

                For the first time in my life I felt I was hearing the truth about the path I was on. By the end of the day one of the organizers, a tall handsome, teddy-bear of a man named Tom Sipes, invited those interested in continuing the group to meet at his house the following Wednesday. Ten guys came and agreed to begin meeting weekly. The group soon was reduced to seven and those seven guys have continued to meet for the last forty-six years.

                There were three guys younger than me and three guys older. We came from different backgrounds and experiences, but the thing we all had in common was this: We longed to be men, not the boymen we were pretending to be. We wanted a different direction than the one we were following and we knew that having a band of brothers could help us find our way.

                We met weekly, talked deeply, took risks to be vulnerable and real with our feelings and having the courage to share them with each other. I was encouraged to write my first book, Inside Out: Becoming My Own Man, which was published in 1983 right up to my seventeenth, Long Live Men! The Moonshot Mission to Heal Men, Close the Lifespan Gap, and Offer Hope to Humanity.

                We attended men’s gatherings with Robert Bly and others and read books including King, Warrior, Magician, Love: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine, by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette in which they contrast archetypes of “Boy Psychology” from “Man Psychology.”

                In their book King, Warrior, Magician, Love: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine, they offer these examples of boy psychology: 

• The ducking and diving political leader.
• The wife beater.
• The company “yes man.”
• The “holier than thou” minister.
• The gang member.
• The father who can never find the time to attend his daughter’s school program.
• The therapist who unconsciously attacks a clients’ “shining” and seeks a kind of gray normalcy for them.

“All these men have something in common,” say Moore and Gillette. “They are all boys pretending to be men. They got that way honestly, because nobody showed them what a mature man is like. Their kind of ‘manhood’ is a pretense to manhood that goes largely undetected as such by most of us. We are continually mistaking this man’s controlling, threatening, and hostile behavior for strength. In reality, he is showing an underlying extreme vulnerability and weakness, the vulnerability of the wounded boy.”

                I have recently written a series of articles, In Search of Mature Masculinity in a World of Wounded BoyMen that describes the world of “boys pretending to be men” and the kind of mature masculinity we all need in our lives.

The Two Archetypes of  Wounded Boys Pretending to Be Men

                Reflecting on my experiences in my own life, what I see with the thousands of boys and men I have counseled over the years, and what is reflected in our current government in the U.S., I see two dominant archetypes that underlie the behavior of Wounded Boys Pretending to Be Men:

                First is what Moore and Gillette describe as The Highchair Tyrant.

“The Highchair Tyrant,” say Moore and Gillette, “is epitomized by the image of Little Lord Fauntleroy sitting in his highchair, banging on the tray, and screaming for his mother to feed him, kiss him, and attend to him.”

                As an only child being raised by a single mom, I developed a lot of these tendencies in my own childhood. They also extended into my adult life in  my relationships with women and contributed to my two failed marriages. I was fortunate to get support to heal and grow up and have now been joyfully married to my wife, Carlin, for forty-five years.

“The Highchair Tyrant,” says Moore and Gillette, “hurts himself with his grandiosity—the limitlessness of his demands—because he rejects the very things that he needs for life: food and love.”

                Moore and Gillette summarize the following characteristics of The Highchair Tyrant:

• Arrogance (what the Greeks called hubris, or overwhelming pride).

• Childishness (in the negative sense).

• Irresponsibility, even to himself as a mortal being who has to meet his biological and psychological needs.

• The Highchair tyrant needs to learn that he is not the center of the universe and that the universe does not exist to fulfill his every need, or better put, his limitless needs, his pretentions to godhood.

                I suspect we can all recognize many of these characteristics in boys and men we know–from the centers of power in government to business leaders and males in our own families and communities.

                The second archetype of boy psychology described by Moore and Gillette is The Weakling Prince.

“The boy (and later the man) who is possessed by the Weakling Prince needs to be coddled, who dictates to those around him by his silent or his whining and complaining helplessness.”

                As adults, those possessed by the Weakling Prince archetype often become “Mr. Nice Guys.” Dr. Robert Glover, author of the book No More Mr. Nice Guy says,

“A Nice Guy is a man who believes he is not okay, just as he is. Due to both societal and familial conditioning, the Nice Guy is convinced he must become what he thinks others want him to be in order to be liked, loved, and get his needs met. He also believes that he must hide anything about himself that might trigger a negative response in others.”

He goes on to say, “This inauthentic and chameleon-like approach to life causes Nice Guys to feel frustrated, confused, and resentful. Subsequently, these men are often anything but nice. In fact, Nice Guys are generally dishonest, secretive, manipulative, controlling, self-centered, and passive-aggressive.”

                The historian, Ruth Ben-Ghiat, describes political leaders driven by boy psychology in her book, Strongmen: Mussolini to the Present.

“For ours is the age of authoritarian rulers: self-proclaimed saviors of the nation who evade accountability while robing their people of truth, treasure, and the protections of democracy. They use masculinity as a symbol of strength and a political weapon. Taking what you want, and getting away with it, becomes proof of male authority. They use propaganda, corruption, and violence to stay in power.”

The Compassionate Warrior: The Power of Mature Man Psychology

                I first heard the words  “compassionate” and “warrior” combined from Sean Harvey, author of the book Warrior Compassion: Unleashing the Healing Power of Men.

“When we combine the concepts of warrior and compassion, an energetic shift happens,”

says Harvey. He goes on to say,

“Compassion is most easily defined as the feeling or emotion when a person is moved by suffering or distress of another, and by the desire to relieve the suffering. Taking a step further, to be compassionate to others, we must begin by learning to become compassionate to ourselves.”

                Harvey describes the strength of the warrior spirit this way:

“The warrior archetype represents strength, courage, and the relentless pursuit of justice and honor. It embodies discipline, resilience, and unwavering determination to protect and defend what is most valued.”

                I shared a similar perspective in my book, The Warrior’s Journey Home: Healing Men, Healing the Planet, that was published in 1994. I drew on my experiences practicing Aikido and from books including Aikido and the New Warrior by one of my Aikido instructors, Richard Strozzi-Heckler.

                Chögyam Trungpa was a Tibetan Buddhist master and scholar. I quote his understanding of compassionate warriorship in my book, The Warrior’s Journey Home.

“Warriorship here,” said Trungpa, “does not refer to making war on others. Aggression is the source of our problems, not the solution.” He goes on to say, “Here the word ‘warrior’ is taken from the Tibetan pawo which literally means ‘one who is brave.’ Warriorship in this context is the tradition of human bravery, or the tradition of fearlessness. Warriorship is not being afraid of who you are.”

                For me, this captures the essence of The Compassionate Warrior and learning to become that kind of man is what we need to find in ourselves, in those we choose to lead us, and in a world dominated by angry, wounded boys, pretending to be men. If given a choice boys and men will choose this more powerful, caring, and compassionate way of being.

                Our organization, Moonshot for Mankind, brings together organizations that are dedicated to teaching, training, and guiding boys and men to achieve the qualities of mature masculinity, including how to become compassionate warriors.

                If you would like to learn more about my own work, please visit me at MenAlive.com. 

The post The Three Masculinity Types Competing for the Minds of Boys and Men Today appeared first on MenAlive.

In my seventeenth book, 12 Rules For Good Men, I detailed twelve specific things I felt were important for men in order to become their healthiest, most mature, selves:

• Join a Men’s Group.
• Break free from the Man Box.
• Accept the Gift of Maleness.
• Embrace Your Billion Year History of Maleness.
• Recognize Your Anger and Fear Toward Women.
• Learn the Secrets of Real Lasting Love.
• Undergo Meaningful Rites of Passage from Youth to Adulthood and from Adulthood to Elderhood or Super-adulthood.
• Celebrate Your True Warrior Spirit and Learn Why Males Duel and Females Duet.
• Understand and Heal Your Adverse Childhood Experiences and Male Attachment Disorders.
• Heal Your Father Wound and Become the Father You Were Meant to Be.
• Treat the Irritable Male Syndrome and Male-Type Depression.
• Find Your Mission in Life and Do Your Part to Save Humanity.

After working in the field of Gender-Specific Healing and Men’s Health for more than fifty years, these twelve “rules” were my response to the many questions I was hearing from thousands of men who were asking,

• What are the most important things I need to do to save my marriage?
• What work is most meaningful and how can I make a living doing what I feel called to do?
• What does it really mean heal my own wounds and be a good man in today’s world?
• How do I help my children, grandchildren and future generations to survive and thrive in a world turned upside down?

Meet Andrew Cohn: A Man a Mission With an Invitation for You

Today I would like to introduce you to a kindred spirit, Andrew Cohn. Andrew is a trusted leadership counselor, coach, facilitator, consultant, and speaker. He began his career as an attorney in Los Angeles before changing his focus to leadership and organization development in 1997. I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Andrew, discussing his background, and his current work with men. You can watch the full interview here.

Andrew is offering a unique opportunity for men April 25-27, 2025 that I highly recommend.

“In this powerful and nurturing retreat for men in beautiful Santa Fe, we will take a deep dive into the challenges and delights of being a man in 2025 and beyond,” says Andrew, “what we fear and what makes us uncomfortable, and how to be more purposeful and authentic. We’ll build a community of men committed to making the world a better place by identifying and demonstrating the sacred masculine. We will feel, think, and grow together, drawing upon the beauty of Northern New Mexico, including learning with/from our equine partners.”

If you read my recent article, “Why Humanity’s Future May Depend on Our Connection to Our 56-Million-Year-Old Elders,” you know about the work of Kelly Wendorf and her work at Equus. Kelly and Andrew are partners and the men’s retreat will take place at the Buffalo Spirit Ranch, EQUUS’s exquisite 11-acre Experiential Discovery and Learning Campus.

Andrew says,

“If you or a man you know may be interested in attending, please contact me ASAP to discuss. The group will be limited to 15 men and is expected to fill up quickly. For more information, email me: andrew@lighthouseteams.com.”

These are challenging times for everyone and men are no exception. In a recent article, “In Search of Mature Masculinity in a World of Wounded BoyMen,” I described three current views of masculinity and manhood that we see represented in our government, boardrooms, and bedrooms.

1. The Highchair Tyrant

As described by Jungian psychoanalyst and psychologist Robert Moore and mythologist and counselor Douglas Gillette, in their book, King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine,

“The Highchair Tyrant is an archetype of ‘Boy Psychology.’ He is epitomized by the image of Little Lord Fauntleroy sitting in his highchair, banging on the tray, and screaming for his mother to feed him, kiss him, and attend to him.”

They go on to say,

“The Highchair Tyrant needs to learn that he is not the center of the universe and that the universe does not exist to fulfill his every need, or better put, his limitless needs, his pretentions to godhood.”

Do you recognize this character in anyone you know or any males you hear about?

2. The Weakling Prince.

The second archetype of boy psychology described by Moore and Gillette is The Weakling Prince.

“The boy (and later the man) who is possessed by the Weakling Prince, needs to be coddled, who dictates to those around him by his silent or his whining and complaining helplessness,” say Moore and Gillette.

As adults, those possessed by the Weakling Prince archetype often become “Mr. Nice Guys.” Dr. Robert Glover, author of the book No More Mr. Nice Guy says,

“A Nice Guy is a man who believes he is not okay, just as he is. Due to both societal and familial conditioning, the Nice Guy is convinced he must become what he thinks others want him to be in order to be liked, loved, and get his needs met. He also believes that he must hide anything about himself that might trigger a negative response in others.”

Glover goes on to say,

“This inauthentic and chameleon-like approach to life causes Nice Guys to feel frustrated, confused, and resentful. Subsequently, these men are often anything but nice. In fact, Nice Guys are generally, dishonest, secretive, manipulative, controlling, self-centered, and passive-aggressive.”

Do you recognize this character in anyone you know or any males you hear about?

Neither of these kinds of boys masquerading as men are likely to be helpful in our personal, professional or community lives. We need men who are strong and caring, who have been well mentored and undergone healthy Rites of Passage.

The historian, Ruth Ben-Giat, describes political leaders driven by boy psychology in her book, Strongmen: Mussolini to the Present.

“For ours is the age of authoritarian rulers: self-proclaimed saviors of the nation who evade accountability while robing their people of truth, treasure, and the protections of democracy. They use masculinity as a symbol of strength and a political weapon. Taking what you want, and getting away with it, becomes proof of male authority. They use propaganda, corruption, and violence to stay in power.”

3. The Mature Whole Man.

I turned 81 years old in December 2024. I described my own journey in search of mature masculinity in the seventeen books I have written including one called The Whole Man Program: Reinvigorating Your Body, Mind, and Spirit After 40.

I began the book with a quote from the philosopher Paul Tillich who I met when I was in college at U.C. Santa Barbara between 1964. He said,

“Every serious thinker must ask and answer these three fundamental questions:

• What is wrong with us? With men? Women? Society? What is the nature of our alienation? Our dis-ease?
• What would we be like if we were whole? Healed? Actualized? If our potentiality was fulfilled?
• How do we move from our condition of brokenness to wholeness? What are the means of healing?”

In the book, I described the program that I found helpful in my own life and that I recommend to my family, friends, and clients. I believe what the world needs now, more than ever, is Mature Whole Men and Mature Whole Women.

Moore and Gillette describe four archetypes of mature masculinity—The King, The Warrior, The Magician, and The Lover. The mature man embodies all four of these primal energies.

“The King energy is primal in all men,” say Moore and Gillette. “Two functions of King energy make the transition from Boy psychology to Man psychology possible. The first of these is ordering; the second is providing fertility and blessing.”

They go on to say, “The King is the central archetype. The good King is at the Center of the World. He sits on his throne on the central mountain, or on the Primeval Hill, as the ancient Egyptians called it.”

(Remember—Don’t confuse the archetype of the King with the worldly kings who have often been High Chair tyrants, rather than mature male leaders. Also, remember that there are female counterparts to these archetype.)

Moore and Gillette offer the example of the Sioux medicine man Black Elk who John Neihardt describes in his book, Black Elk Speaks. Black Elk speaks of the world as a great “hoop” divided by two paths, a “red path” and a “black path,” which intersect. Where they intersect is the central mountain of the world. It is on that mountain that the great Father God—the King energy—speaks and gives Black Elk a series of revelations for his people.

The mature male leader tunes in and receive the guidance from the “great Father God” and gives his people rules and laws to follow for the good of the people and the communities of life that all humans depend upon.

“The King energy brings abundance and blessings to his people,” say Moore and Gillette. “In conjunction with his ordering function, the second vital good that the King energy manifests is fertility and blessing.”

The mature male leader sees the good in all creation and supports the creation of new life both for humans, as well as the animal and plant kingdoms and recognizes that all life is connected.

The mature male leader accomplishes this by being an exemplar in his own life of what he gives to others. Like all humans, he makes mistakes, but he can acknowledge them when they occur and does not blame others.  He is not a God separate from his people, but a human being drawing on the gifts of the Gods and the archetypal legacies from millions of years of human history.

Do you recognize this character of the Mature Whole Man in anyone you know or any males you hear about?

Our organization, The Moonshot For Mankind and Humanity, brings together organizations that are dedicated to teaching, training, and guiding boys and men to achieve the qualities of mature masculinity.

If you would like to get more information about Andrew Cohn and his work you can reach him here: https://www.lighthouseteams.com/

If you would like to learn more about my own work, please visit me at MenAlive.com.  

The post Why Joining a Men’s Group Now May Be the Most Important Decision of Your Life, Part 2: Expanding the Vision: Genuine Masculinity Retreat appeared first on MenAlive.

                I have been in a men’s group that has been meeting for 46 years. I was thirty-five years old when it began and I’m eighty-one now. I want to start a new group and am looking for ten mid-life men who would like to be in the group with me.

                Midlife is a time for change and transformation. Success is enhanced by surrounding oneself with other men who are learning, evolving, and supporting each other on this journey with an experienced guide to light the way. We will focus on the following four pillars:

• Becoming your authentic self and being the best you that you can be.
• Deepening your love for your intimate partner, children, family, and friends.
• Embracing your calling and bringing your unique work to the world.
• Being a champion for good in a world where so much bad is happening.

Why I’m Looking for a Few Good Men to Join Me Now

                When I turned 80 in December 2024, I began thinking of starting a new men’s group. I had just interviewed my friend and colleague Chip Conley, CEO, and founder of Modern Elder Academy about his new book, Learning to Love Midlife. Chip offered a new and expanded understanding of midlife change and described three midlife age stages: (1) 35 to 50, (2) 50 to 60, (3) 60 to 75.

                I had the unique privilege of joining a men’s group in 1979 when I was 35 years old. It forever changed my personal and professional life. The group is coming to an end after forty-six years. Four of our members have died and we have come to a natural ending point. I feel called now to mentor and learn with others. I am looking for a few good men to join me in an adventure of a lifetime.

                The Czech stateman and dissident, Václav Havel, spoke to our times when he said,

“Today, many things indicate that we are going through a transitional period when it seems that something is on the way out and something else is painfully being born. It is as if something were crumbling, decaying, and exhausting itself, while something else, still indistinct, were arising from the rubble.”

                This is our time to do our part to help create a better world for everyone. The world needs you. Your family needs you. You need you! And we need each other.

Who Should Consider Applying to Join the Group?

• You are a midlife man who has been in a men’s group or has considered being in one.
• You recognize the value of being with caring and supportive men to share your journey.
• You are successful in life and a natural leader but are ready to do more and be more.
• You hunger for a wise community of colleagues in your corner who support your growth, hold you accountable, and celebrate your victories. 
• You may be a counselor, coach, or healer, but whatever your profession you want to help people thrive and succeed in life.
• You are ready to be mentored by an experienced elder and want to share what you have learned with other men.

I Invite You to Join the Diamond Men’s Circle: Here Are Answers to Some Important Questions

                What is The Diamond Men’s Circle?

                The Diamond Men’s Circle is an online group coaching program for personal and professional development. The group meets specifically for the purpose of supporting conscious and intentional self-discovery, growth, and transformative change. The Men’s Circle is a cost-effective way to engage in powerful coaching without the private 1:1 coaching price tag. The spirit of the meeting is to cultivate a strong and trustworthy fellowship of support by allowing the ancient wisdom of men the men’s circle to guide our journey together.

                How many members are in the circle?

                The circle will be limited to ten men, plus Jed as your mentor, coach, and facilitator.

                How frequently do we meet and for how long?

                The Men’s Circle meets twice a month for 90 minutes each session. The minimum commitment is three months, or you may choose a 12-month membership. The Men’s Circle runs perpetually so enrollments may roll into another three- or 12-month membership. Some members continue indefinitely and consider The Men’s group an important part of remaining healthy, grounded, and successful through the years.

                When will the group begin?

                Those interested can apply now. The group will begin in June (Men’s Health month).

                How are the groups facilitated?

                Through a custom-created curriculum, structure, and Jed’s facilitation, members explore topics and practices together, as well as deeply engage in their own learning edges just outside their comfort zones. While Jed designs and facilitates the exercises, practical applications and practices, some of the content is also driven by the members themselves – on the topics they wish to explore.

                Homework and assignments take place in between calls to keep the learning momentum and engagement going, as well as practical actions steps to implement in your life. Networking with other members of the group is encouraged during and between sessions.

                Are other experts involved?

                I have numerous colleagues who share their own expertise in recorded discussions with Jed and may also be available to answer participants questions live. Here are some of  those involved:

• Dr. Gary Barker, International voice for healthy manhood, gender equality and violence prevention. CEO of Equimundo.  
• Chip Conley, Co-founder and CEO of the Modern Elder Academy and author of Learning to Love Midlife.                                
• Michael Gurian, Journalist and bestselling author of 32 books including The Wonder of Boys and Boys: A Rescue Plan (with Shaun Kullman).
• Kelly Wendorf, Founder/CEO of Equus, author of Flying Lead Change: 56 Million Years of Wisdom for Leading and Living.
• Richard V. Reeves, Founding President of the American Institute for Boys and Men, author of Of Boys and Men.
• Mo Gawdat, Former Chief Business Officer at Google X, bestselling author of Solve For Happy.
• Marianne J. Legato, M.D., Founder Foundation for Gender-Specific Medicine, author of Why Men Die First: How to Lengthen Your Lifespan        
• Drs. Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt, Relationship experts, authors of Getting The Love You Want.
• Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor, Harvard-trained neuroscientist, author of My Stroke of Insight and Whole Brain Living.                  
• Dr. Warren Farrell, Author of The Boy Crisis and Role Mate to Soul Mate. 

                What is the investment?

• Three-month program $900  ($300/month).
• Twelve-month program $3000 (Save $600).
• There is potential for the group to continue beyond a year if the members are interested.

                Is individual counseling available if desired?

                Private, individual sessions with Jed are at the regular rate of $450 per hour. Members of the Men’s Circle who desire individual counseling will have priority when an opening is available.

                Who are Men’s Circles for?

                Men’s Circle is perfect for you if:

• You are ready to jumpstart your personal and professional growth.

• You seek a community of like-minded individuals who share your goals and values for transformative change.

• You know you need to improve your love life.

• You are considering shifting or upgrading your work life and want to work smarter with less stress, more purpose, increased income, and greater satisfaction.

• You want deeper and more satisfying friendships with men.

• Your life is changing and you need to get clarity about your priorities and how to remain true to yourself.

• You know humanity is in trouble and you want to ensure a better future for your children, grandchildren, and future generations.

                Who is Dr. Jed Diamond?

                You may know me from one of the seventeen books I have written since me first book, Inside Out: Becoming My Own Man, was published in 1983 or from one of my international bestsellers, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places, Male Menopause, or The Irritable Male Syndrome. You may not know that I am one of the world’s leading experts on Gender-Specific Healing and Men’s Health, have run a successful million-dollar-one-person business for many years, and have been married to my third wife, Carlin, for 45 years. We have six grown children, seventeen grandchildren, and four great grandchildren.

                 What’s next? I think this might be what I’ve been looking for.

                If you feel moved to act, I would like to meet you. Drop me a note to Jed@MenAlive.com and put “Men’s Circle” in the subject line. I will get right back to you so we can meet, discuss your needs, answer your questions, and see if this is right fit for you. There are only ten spots available. So, if you are interested, I suggest you contact me right away.

                I will share more about the group and the importance of men’s work in future articles. If you haven’t already, feel free to subscribe to my free weekly newsletter here: https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/

The post Why Joining a Men’s Group Now May Be the Most Important Decision of Your Life: Part 1: An Invitation to Midlife Men appeared first on MenAlive.