Mental Health

                The day began, as it had so often in the past, with a reminder from the Board of Behavior Sciences. “This is to notify you that your License is up for renewal,” it told me in bold black letters. The Board licenses several professions in the mental health field including:

• Marriage and Family Therapists (MFTs) who the Board says, “provide therapy to individuals, couples, and families.”
• Licensed Educational Psychologists (LEP), “Professionals who focus on the psychological aspects of education and learning.”
• Licensed Professional Clinical Counselors (LPCC), “Counselors who offer mental health services and guidance.”
• Licensed Clinical Social Workers (LCSW), “Social workers who provide mental health services and support.”

                The truth is there are more and more professionals working in the field and what we do often overlaps and can’t be easily categorized. I hold license #5066, as Licensed Clinical Social, a license I have had since 1970 and one I have renewed religiously for the last 55 years. Every two years I am required to pay a fee, submit proof that I carry liability insurance, and have completed the required 36 hours of continuing education.

                Today I have signed the papers which will retire my license. This decision was sudden and unexpected, but a long time coming, and requires some historical reflection to make sense of it all.

                I graduated from U.C. Santa Barbara on June 21,1965 and prepared for a summer break to spend time visiting friends in Mexico before going off to medical school at U.C. San Francisco where I had been accepted in the fall and awarded a four-year-full-tuition fellowship.

                I had studied hard in college, earned high grades, was involved in enough extracurricular activities to show I wasn’t a complete nerd, and was looking forward to becoming a medical doctor and eventually a psychiatrist. Few people knew that my hidden motivation to become a doctor was that I imagined that if I was successful, I would be able to help men like my father.

                As I described in my book, My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound, when I was five years old, my father had a “nervous breakdown” and took an overdose of sleeping pills because he felt he couldn’t support his family (me and my mother) doing work that he loved (he was an actor, playwright, and author). I was charged by my mother to go with my uncle each week to visit my father who had been committed to Camarillo State Mental Hospital north of our home in Los Angeles. When I asked my mother why didn’t go, she simply said, “Your father needs you.”  

                 I wasn’t sure what a five-year old could do, but as my mother often described me, I was her “brave little man.” I promised I would go and do whatever I could to help my father heal.

                What passed for “mental health” treatment in 1949 was not very helpful. My father continued to get worse. On the final visit when I was six years old, my father turned to my uncle and asked, “Harry, who is this kid you’ve got with you?” I was devasted. I thought, somehow, I could help my father and deep down I felt I was responsible for his problem, and I had failed him, my mother, and myself.

                In my child-brain I reasoned that the cause of his depression was the stress of having to support a wife and child. Since I imagined he was O.K. until I came along, I reasoned that I must be responsible for what happened to him.

                I grew up wondering what happened to my father, when it would happen to me, and what I could do to make up for my failure as a dutiful son.

                In 1965, at the age of twenty-one, I finally made it into medical school.  I looked forward to getting the training I needed to help men like my dad and families like ours. But I soon became disillusioned. I found that medical school was elitist and geared towards those who fit into a rather dysfunctional, male-dominated, system.

                Before our first classes began the six of us, who had the coveted Regents fellowships, were driven across the bay to ritzy Marin County, wined and dined, and made to feel special. The message was clear: Follow the rules, play the game, and this will be yours someday.

                This was not the message that resonated with a boy whose parents were lefty-activists who grew up accompanying my parents handing out leaflets and seeking to organize workers at the local General Motors plant. My reaction to what I saw after being in medical school a few months, was to get out as soon as I could.

                One day in class, I knew I had to leave. I went to see the dean of the school and told him I didn’t want to be a doctor after all.  Since there was still time to replace me, my resignation was quickly accepted, though I had to see a psychiatrist before I could leave. From their point of view giving back the money for a four-years of medical education was clearly an indication of mental instability, though it never occurred to me that I could keep the money.

                When asked where I planned to go, I had no idea, but I blurted out, “I want to be a social worker.” The dean brightened at a simple solution.

                “Oh, so you’ll be going to U.C. Berkeley to the School of Social Welfare. Say hello to my friend Dean Chernin.”  

                I had no idea where Berkeley was, but I borrowed a car, drove across the bay, found the School of Social Welfare, and the two deans worked out a plan for me to remain enrolled at the Medical School, but do course work in Berkeley and apply to graduate school the following year.

                I soon felt at home in my new surroundings, a different kind of place than the medical school I was leaving. The first obvious different was that medical school was predominantly male. There were only a few women in my 1965 class. Social welfare was the opposite. It was predominately female with only a few males.

                But the difference ran much deeper. The curriculum in medical school was limiting, focused primarily on body parts and systems. Social work was much broader, focused on mental, emotional, relational well-being, family systems, and community organizing.

                The reading and coursework covered a wide variety of issues, and I came to understand the limitations of the system I had left. I later read the book by social scientist Riane Eisler called The Chalice & the Blade: Our History, Our Future which helped me better understand the different systems.

                “This theory, which I have called Cultural Transformation theory,” proposes says Eisler, “that underlying the great surface diversity of human culture are two basic models of society. The first, which I call the dominator model, is what is popularly termed either patriarchy or matriarchy — the ranking of one half of humanity over the other. The second, in which social relations are primarily based on the principle of linking rather than ranking, may best be described as the partnership model. In this model — beginning with the most fundamental difference in our species, between male and female — diversity is not equated with either inferiority or superiority.”

                My experience in medical school fit more the dominator model, while my experiences in social work school fit more the partnership model. But over the years that began to change gradually until now, I realize, the professional system has tipped towards domination and it’s time for me to leave.

My New Career at 82

                The truth is, like many areas of our lives, what worked in one era, no longer works as we mature and have a clear vision of who we are and what we need. For years I tried to hold to my partnership values and practices despite the slowly but steadily growing domination and disconnection I was seeing in my profession and the world.

                Today, I decided I could no longer be part of a system that I felt was dysfunctional. Officially, my position as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker won’t expire until my eighty-second birthday on December 21^st. So, I’ve got some time to figure out what is next for me. I hope you’ll share your thoughts and feelings.

                Here are some things I know for sure and more things, I’m sure, will be revealed to me in the next few months:

• Since my wife, Carlin, fell, had hip-replacement surgery, and suffered a stroke in 2023, our lives have changed dramatically and I have become a full-time caregiver, which is both wonderful and challenging.

• Carlin and I have been married for 45 years and look forward to more years together. We remain engaged with our six grown children, seventeen grandchildren, and four great grandchildren. This is also a great blessing and also a challenge to support their changing lives.

• I feel I have at least ten good years to contribute my skills and experiences to helping men and their families to live fully, love deeply, and make a positive difference in the world.

• I want more peace and quiet in my life and less noise. In their book, Golden: The Power of Silence in a World of Noise, Justin Zorn and Leigh Marz, offer expert guidance to turn down the noise and tune into gifts of silence.

• I want to work with others who desire to re-connect us with other people, even those who have very different views than our own. A divided humanity is not long for this world. We need true partnership.

• I want to reconnect with the larger community of life on planet Earth. As the historian Thomas Berry warned us, “We never knew enough. Nor were we sufficiently intimate with all our cousins in the great family of the earth. Nor could we listen to the various creatures of the earth, each telling its own story. The time has now come, however, when we will listen or we will die.”

• I want to be part of a healing community where we can practice partnership principles and work together to create “islands of sanity” in a world where too many humans believe we must double-down on domination, rather than admitting we have lost our way.

                I look forward to your feedback. Please drop me a note to Jed@MenAlive.com. Please share any thoughts and feelings about my plans. What are your own ideas about what is most needed for us to survive and thrive in these challenging times?

                I write a new article each week and am feeling drawn to writing more personal articles like these. What do you think? If you are not part of our community already, I invite you to join and receive my free weekly articles and updates on our work. https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/

The post Starting Anew at 82: The Day I Retired My Clinical License and Began a New Career appeared first on MenAlive.

                I am a marriage and family counselor so I should know better. My wife and I have been married forty-five years, and she still tells me I don’t listen to her.

                “I don’t need you to solve my problems. I just want to be heard,”

                she’s told me many times. I know, I know. I know what I should do, I just have a problem doing it. Filmmaker, Jason Headley captures what many men and women experience in less than two minutes. I have watched the film many times since I first saw it more than ten years ago and it still reminds me of challenges we face in our relationships.

                Like many men, I’ve always been a problem solver. If something isn’t going well in my life, I look for a way to fix it. When water started dripping down one of the beams in the living room, a ran for a pan to catch the drips, then called a roofer friend who came out and fixed the roof.

                When my wife has a problem, I listen until it’s clear what the problem is and then I tell her what I think she should do. To me that’s showing her that I love her. Too many men, I know, are oblivious to what is going on with their partners. I have several male friends who say they were blind-sided when their wife told them, out of the blue, “I want a divorce.” Their wives say that they’ve been voicing their unhappiness for years, but he just didn’t listen.

                I’ve never been that kind of husband. I do listen and I do want my wife to be happy. If there’s a problem that can be fixed, I want to fix it if I can or encourage her to fix it. But over the years I’ve learned that we need to resist our compulsion to fix things and take time to listen.

The Two-Minute Film That Will Change Your Life for the Better, If…

                The film, It’s Not About the Nail was made by Jason Headley. He also wrote Pixar’s Lightyear and Onward and wrote and directed the SXSW Special Jury Prize-winning feature A Bad Idea Gone Wrong. It’s Not About the Nail has gotten over 24 million views on Youtube since it was released in 2013.

                I believe the film can change your life for good if you do three simple things:

1. Watch the film.
2. Learn the important lessons the film teaches us.
3. Practice what you learn… again and again and again.

Seeing The Situation From the Woman’s Perspective

                When you watch and listen to the woman in the film, she tells us clearly what is going on for her and how she is feeling:

                “There’s all this pressure, you know? And sometimes it feels like it’s right up on me. And I can feel it, literally feel it — in my head. And it’s relentless.”

                “And I don’t know if it’s going to stop… that’s the thing that scares me the most. I don’t know… if it’s ever going to stop.”

                She turns to the man and…

Seeing the Situation From the Man’s Perspective

                From his perspective, the problem is obvious and as soon as he points it out, he is sure the woman will do the right thing and accept and appreciate his wisdom.

                He looks at her, points his finger and tells her:

                “You     have     a     nail    in    your    head.”

                To which, she replies, “IT’S NOT ABOUT THE NAIL.”

                It’s important to note that she doesn’t say, “I don’t have a nail in my head,” but “It’s not about the nail.”

                From his perspective, she’s absolutely wrong and if she would listen to him, see the obvious truth of the problem, everything will be O.K.

                “Are you sure… because I bet if we got that thing out of there,” he tells her.

                In exasperation she says, “STOP TRYING TO FIX IT.”

                But, of course, he doesn’t give up. “I’m not trying to fix it,” he says. “I’m just pointing out that maybe the nail is CAUSING…”

                Her frustration boils over. “You always do this. You’re always trying to fix things when what I need is for you to just listen…”

                At this point, we’re halfway through the two-minute film. Are you starting to understand the wisdom and importance of understand their different perspectives? From our separate viewpoints, we each believe the truth is obvious. Yet, there is a deeper truth that we need help recognizing.

What the Experts Have to Say

                I have known and admired the work of Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt for more than forty years. I have interviewed them both numerous times on my podcasts, including a recent interview just with Harville about men’s issues. Harville and Helen are internationally respected couple’s therapists, educators, speakers, and New York Times bestselling authors. Together, they have written over 10 books with more than 4 million copies sold, including the timeless classic, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. In addition, Harville has appeared on the Oprah Winfrey television program 17 times!

                They have helped millions of women and men to listen to each other and know they are being heard and understood. They also have found that relationship problems are not limited to our intimate relationships. They pervade our society. In their most recent book, How to Talk with Anyone about Anything: The Practice of Save Conversations, Harville and Helen say,

                “We began developing the skills that led to creating Safe Conversations Dialogue in Helen’s living room in 1977, when we first began dating. We had both gone through painful divorces, and we were eager to make our relationship work despite our differences.”

                John and Julie Gottman are also a well-respected duo who have been helping couples to improve their relationships for more than forty years. Over the years they learned that men have an important and unique role to play in improving a couple’s love life but have rarely been given the specific tools they needed in order to succeed. 

                “Men, you have the power to make or break a relationship,”

                they say in their book,  The Man’s Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the “Love Lab” About What Women Really Want.

                “What men do in relationships is, by a large margin, the crucial factor that separates a great relationship from a failed one. This does not mean that a woman doesn’t need to do her part, but the data proves that a man’s actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship succeeds or fails, which is ironic, since most relationship books are for women. That’s kind of like doing open-heart surgery on the wrong patient.”

                John Gottman, PhD is the guy who is known for being able to predict with 94 percent accuracy whether a couple will get divorced. The scientific laboratory, the “Love Lab,” is his major source of knowledge. John’s wife, Dr. Julie Gottman, is a clinical psychologist who has worked side by side with John to strengthen couples’ relationships worldwide.

                In addition to being the world’s leading marriage researcher, John has also distinguished himself by being in many disastrous relationships with women before he met Julie. Being a marriage expert doesn’t exempt us from having our own problems. We all need help and support. I know from personal experience as I share on the introductory video on my website, “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor.”

                I write a new article every week. I look forward to your questions and comments. I also invite you to join our community and sign up for our free weekly newsletter.

The post It’s Not About the Nail: The One Thing Women Need They Aren’t Getting From Men appeared first on MenAlive.

                We are living at a time of great chaos and confusion where fear and violence seem to be tearing our country apart. Wounded and rageful men are at the center of the storm. Anger turned outward can lead to murder, turned inward it can lead to suicide. In my last article, “From Artificial Intelligence (AI) to (RI) Real Intimacy: Getting the Love You’ve Always Wanted,” I shared ways this has impacted my own family and cited the work of other experts including Richard V. Reeves, Founder of the American Institute for Boys and Men.

                These are challenging issues, and it is easy to get caught up in media-driven solutions that do not offer in-depth understanding that can lead to practical solutions. In an earlier article, “Warriors For the Human Spirit: Finding Your Path of Contribution in a World Out of Balance,” I offered some of my own findings from my book, The Warrior’s Journey Home: Healing Men, Healing the Planet. I quoted Buddhist scholar Chögyam Trungpa who said,

                “Warriorship here does not refer to making war on others. Aggression is the source of our problems, not the solution. Here the word ‘warrior’ is taken from the Tibetan pawo which literally means ‘one who is brave.’ Warriorship in this context is the tradition of human bravery, or the tradition of fearlessness. Warriorship is not being afraid of who you are.”

The History of Humanity and Our Place in the Community of Life on Planet Earth

                Who are we and what does it mean to be human these days? In her extensively researched and authoritative new book, The Arrogant Ape: The Myth of Human Exceptionalism and Why It Matters, primatologist and Harvard Professor Dr. Christine Webb, says that classifying humans as Homo sapiens sapiens — the wisest of the wise — may be more arrogance and wishful thinking that evolutionary fact.

                Humans are a very new group of animals who have been recently added to the community of life.

                “If we condense earth’s 4.6-billion year history into a 46-year timeline, humans have existed for only four hours, and the Industrial Revolution began just one minute ago.”

                To begin to understand what it means to be human and the challenges we face today we must greatly broaden our perspective. In their book, The Universe Story, cosmologist Dr. Brian Swimme and cultural historian Dr. Thomas Berry detail the following: history:

• Our home planet Earth was formed 4.6 billion years ago.

• Lifefirst appeared in the oceans 4.0 billion years ago.

• Plants and animals began evolving 550 million years ago.

• Humans emerged 2.6 million years ago.

                For most of human history humans saw themselves as equal partners in the community of life. When did things start to go wrong? In their book, Nurturing Our Humanity: How Domination and Partnership Shape Our Brains, Lives, and Future, Dr. Riane Eisler, President of the Center for Partnership Studies and anthropologist Dr. Douglas P. Fry say,

                “Nomadic foragers — also called nomadic hunter-gatherers — constitute the oldest form of human social organization, predating by far the agricultural revolution of about 10,000 years ago.”

                Eisler and Fry describe our earliest human ancestors as “The Original Partnership Societies” and say they shared the following characteristics:

• Overall egalitarian
• Equality, respect, and partnership between women and men.
• Nonacceptance of violence, war, abuse, cruelty, and exploitation.
• Ethics that support human caring, prosocial cooperation, and flourishing.

                They contrast partnership systems with ones based on characteristics of domination:

• Rigid top-down rankings, hierarchies of domination are maintained through physical, psychological, and economic control in familial, religious, political, economic and other social institutions.

• Ranking of one form of humanity over the other. Theoretically, this could be the female half over the male half, but historically it has been the ranking of males over females, and with this, the idealization of traits that are in domination systems equated with masculinity, such as “manly” conquest and “heroic” violence.

• The cultural acceptance of abuse and violence, from child-and-wife beating to slavery and warfare.

• Beliefs that rankings of domination are inevitable, even moral.

The Myth of Human Exceptionalism Underlies Our Deepening Disconnection With the Community of Life on Planet Earth

                In The Arrogant Ape, Christine Webb offers a great deal of evidence to demonstrate that most of our current problems are caused by the false belief that humans are above and apart from the rest of the community of life on planet Earth:

                “Human exceptionalism — a.k.a. anthropocentrism or human supremacy — is at the root of the ecological crisis. This pervasive mindset give humans a sense of dominion over Nature, set apart from and entitled to commodify the earth and others species for our own exclusive benefit. And its back-firing on us today, spurring forest fires, sea level rise, mass extinctions, and pandemics like the coronavirus.”

                Thomas Berry believes the very survival of humanity is at risk.

                “So long as we are under the illusion that we know best what is good for the earth and for ourselves, then we will continue our present course, with its devastating consequences on the entire Earth community. We never knew enough. Nor were we sufficiently intimate with all our cousins in the great family of the earth. Nor could we listen to the various creatures of the earth, each telling its own story. The time has now come, however, when we will listen or we will die.”

Returning to Our Partnership Roots and Reconnecting With the Natural World

                In my years working with people addicted to drugs, I learned that the addictive mindset comes to believe that the solution to their pain and suffering is their alcohol, cocaine, or some other drug or activity that promises relief, but offers more pain and suffering. Addicts become like confused homing pigeons flying faster and faster in the wrong direction. Recovery begins when we give up our mistaken belief that we can fix our problem on our own and admit with humility that we need to rely on a higher power.

                Our old story tells us that to survive and thrive we must dominate nature. The new story, or more accurately, a return to an earlier story that we were living for more than 99% of human history was a story indigenous cultures all over the world are still enacting and if we can let go of our arrogance we can once again find the peace and prosperity that is our birth right.

                Christine Webb says,

                “This pivotal ecological moment can be seen either optimistically or pessimistically, but I favor neither. Instead, I tend toward hope. Optimism and pessimism are probabilistic; they proclaim to know the odds, and await a better or worse future. Hope, on the other hand, centers on potential and uncertainty — it’s about not knowing. In other words, hope is more aligned with humility.”

                She concludes saying,

                “Hope arises when we realize that human exceptionalism is not an inherent trait, not a bias we’re born with. Rather, it’s a role we’ve assumed thanks to a cultural story we’ve inherited.”

                We each can do our part to enact a new story, but first we need to let go of the old one. The good news is that we are not alone and together we can change our lives and the world for good. I appreciate your feedback and ideas. I invite you to visit me at MenAlive.com or drop me an email to Jed@MenAlive.com.

The post What Does It Mean to Be Human in a World Out of Balance? appeared first on MenAlive.

                Professor G (Scott Galloway) offers a chilling reminder of how hungry we are for connection and how lonely we’ve become. In a recent article, Lonely Fans he says,

                   “Humans are hard-wired to connect. Interacting with families and friends is as essential as food, water, and shelter. Through the 1970s, Americans seemed adept at forming social groups: political associations, labor unions, local memberships. Those bonds have faded. Weekly religious service attendance has fallen to 30% from 42% two decades ago. Marriage rates have plunged. ‘Third places’ — public gathering spots outside home and work — are disappearing.”

                For more than fifty years I have worked with men and their families. In my latest book, Long Live Men! The Moonshot Mission to Heal Men, Close the Lifespan Gap, and Offer Hope to Humanity, I say,

                   “Millions of men are lonely and isolated, and many aren’t even aware of it. Many of the most successful people I know, and have worked with, feel emotionally alone, but never slow down enough to let their feelings catch up with them.”

                I quoted Dr. Thomas Joiner, author of the book, Lonely at the Top: The High Cost of Men’s Success, who talked about the hidden problem that most men try and hide.

                   “Men’s main problem is not self-loathing, stupidity, greed, or any of the legions of other things they’re accused of. The problem, instead, is loneliness. As they age, they gradually lose contacts with friends and family, and here’s the important part, they don’t replenish them.”

                I grew up with a father who suffered in silence and in desperation took an overdose of sleeping pills when he felt increasingly hopeless and worthless. Although he didn’t die, our lives were never the same. I grew up wondering what happened to my father, when it would happen to me, and what I could do to help other families like mine.

                I got my first clues when I discovered a journal my father had written in the months leading up to his final act of desperation:

                   July 3: “Oh, Christ, if I could only give my son a decent education — a college decree with a love for books, a love for people, good, solid knowledge. No guidance was given to me. I slogged and slobbered and blundered through two-thirds of my life.”

                   August 8: “Sunday morning, my humanness has fled. I’m tired, hopelessly tired, surrounded by an immense brick wall, a blood-spattered brick world, splattered with my blood where I senselessly banged to find an opening, to find one loose brick, so I could feel the cool breeze and could stick out my hand and pluck a handful of wheat, but this brick wall is impregnable, not an ounce of mortar loosens, not a brick gives.”

                   November 9: “A hundred failures, an endless number of failures, until now, my confidence, my hope, my belief in myself, has run completely out. Middle aged, I stand and gaze ahead, numb, confused, and desperately worried. My hope and my life stream are both running desperately low, so low, so stagnant, that I hold my breath in fear, believing that the dark, blank curtain is about to descend.”

                   Men need support and safe places they can share their feelings and receive support and guidance before they become suicidal.

Losing 40,000 Men a Year to Suicide is a National Tragedy

                According to Richard V. Reeves, Founder of the American Institute for Boys and Men,

                   “Suicide is a gendered health crisis. Boys and men account for 80% of the deaths from suicide in the United States. This amounts to almost 40,000 male deaths a year, about the same as the loss of women’s lives from breast cancer.”

                In a recent post, Reeves backs up his assertion with a chart comparing male and female suicides within various age groups:

                “These are indeed very striking gender gaps,” says Reeves. “But in the age bands below that, the real change in recent years has been a dramatic rise in loss of life from suicide among young men. Suicide rates among young men have risen by a shocking 30% since 2010.”

Loneliness is Lucrative

                Scott Galloway says that “loneliness is lucrative” and offers startling and disturbing reflections on the website “Only Fans.”

                “Leonid Radvinsky, the secretive owner of OnlyFans, received a $700 million windfall last year, while the platform’s top tier of content creators — mostly women — earn millions annually,” says Galloway. “With $7.2 billion in annual gross revenue and just 46 employees, OnlyFans may be one of the most profitable companies on the planet. The site is viewed as a porn-centric hub where men pay women for sexual content. The company claims it’s giving creators and their 378 million fans (greater than the population of the U.S.) something more: an opportunity to forge ‘authentic connections’.”

The Price We Pay For Artificial Intimacy

              Yet these kinds of on-line, pay-to-play, connections do not satisfy our human need to bond with others and to find real lasting love. Instead, they create an addictive hunger that never gets satisfied and, like all addictions, leads to an increasing hunger for more intense stimulation.

                Men are especially vulnerable. The most unstable, violent societies have one thing in common: A large population of wounded, unhealed, men. We are creating millions of these lost souls. In her book, Strongmen: Mussolini to the Present, historian Ruth Ben-Ghiat says,

                   “Ours is the age of authoritarian rulers: self-proclaimed saviors of the nation who evade accountability while robbing their people of truth, treasure, and the protections of democracy. They promise law and order, then legitimize law-breaking by financial, sexual, and other predators.”

                 Comedian Elayne Boosler offers a humorous and insightful view of these gender differences.

                   “When women get depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.”

              Without healthy guidance from healthy male elders, our young boys and men are vulnerable. Richard Reeves of the American Institute for Boys and Men says,

                   “Forthcoming research from AIBM, shows that among men aged 15-34, more than half a million years of potential life are now being lost every year.”

              In my book, The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression, I say,

                   “Research demonstrates that up to 30 percent of boys and men, especially those in adolescence and midlife, exhibit symptoms of Irritable Male Syndrome. In its mildest forms, IMS can cause males to be moody and irritable. At its worst, it can lead to violence and suicide.”

What Can Be Done: Tapping Into Living Intelligence

              Many believe that the world is becoming too complex for humans to solve the many problems we face. They believe that artificial intelligence is the answer. While I believe that we should use whatever tools are available that have been shown to be most helpful, I don’t believe that artificial intelligence is the answer to our loneliness pandemic.

              Living intelligence is a force that has been with us for millions of years.  In their book, The Universe Story, mathematical cosmologist Dr. Brian Swimme and historian Dr. Thomas Berry tell us that life on Earth evolved 4 billion years ago and has continued ever since. They say the first humans evolved 2.6 million years ago followed by Homo sapiens 200,000 years ago.

              I do not believe we have tapped into all the wisdom that is available to us. In his book Pure Human: The Hidden Truth of Our Divinity, Power, and Destiny, scientist and author Gregg Braden has this to say:

              “We humans are an ancient and mysterious form of life. We’re the unlikely convergence of invisible thoughts, emotions, and imaginations woven into the fabric of tissue, bone, and blook that make possible our choices, and the consequences of our choices, each and every day of our lives.”

            Braden believes we are at a crucial choice point in human evolution that will determine our continued evolution or our demise.

                   “We now have at our fingertips the technology to alter ourselves — to rewrite the code of our DNA and the neural networks that define us — in ways that, once implemented, can never be reversed, and will forever change what it means to be human.”

             He concludes,

                   “By the year 2030, we will either have awakened to the truth of our untapped human potential, or we will be locked into a society of hybrid humans that has engineered away our powers of creativity, emotion, empathy, and intuition.”

There is Still Time to Get Real

              The Velveteen Rabbit (or How Toys Become Real) is a British children’s book written by Margery Williams. It chronicles the story of a stuffed rabbit’s desire to become real through the love of his owner. The story was first published in Harper’s Bazaar in 1921 featuring illustrations from Williams’ daughter Pamela Bianco, and the book was first published in 1922.

               I have always loved good books and know they will never be replayed by AI.

               Here is an excerpt that reminds me of how real love can change us all:

                “The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces.

                 “He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.

                  “What is REAL? asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

                  “Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

                  “Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

                “Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

                “Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

                 “It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

Getting Real: A Course for Men and Women Who Still Believe in Real Intimacy

                  For those who have visited my website, MenAlive.com, you have seen my introductory video, “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor.” I have learned that finding real lasting love isn’t easy and it takes courage and tenacity and guidance from elders.

                   My wife, Carlin, and I have been married now for 45 wonderful years. We described our own healing journey in my book, The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why the Best is Still to Come. I will be offering a new course for those who would like to improve their love lives. Whether you are in a relationship that could use some additional support or are looking for that special someone, I invite you to join me.

                   If you’re interested, drop me an email: Jed@MenAlive.com and put “Getting Real About Love” in the subject line and I will send you more details.

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