Mental Health

                It began as one of those common annoyances we often ignore during our busy lives. One moment my hearing was fine. The next, I couldn’t hear out of my left ear. I had experienced a similar thing in the past when one of my ears filled with wax. I used to fix the problem myself by using one of those plastic bulbs to squeeze a stream of warm water into the ear. It would take multiple squeezes, but eventually a little plug of wax would come out, and my hearing was back to normal.

                My doctor told me that it wasn’t safe to do it myself since it could injure structures in my ear and he told me, “You shouldn’t put anything in your ear smaller than your elbow. Come into the office and we’ll remove the wax safely.” Over the years, I had come into the office on occasion and agreed the office visit was quicker, easier, and safer. Since I had an appointment scheduled with my doctor in two weeks, I thought I would just wait until then to have the wax removed. My right ear was OK and while the hearing loss was annoying, I figured I would just wait until a convenient time to see the doctor.

                But my intuition offered different guidance. I had a strong feeling I shouldn’t wait, but to get an appointment right away, even if it wasn’t with my regular doctor. As is often the case, my intuitive knowing was right on. I was seen in the clinic by another doctor who examined both my ears and told me there was no wax in either ear. She ordered a quick hearing test and found that there was severe hearing loss in the left ear and told me I was lucky I came in right away.

                I was shocked to hear that my problem was something other than a “wax in the ear.” She explained that sudden severed hearing loss, also called “Sudden Sensorineural Hearing Loss,” is when you lose hearing — usually just in one ear — over the course of three days or fewer. It can happen to anyone, but it’s most common in adults over forty.”

                “For most people,” she explained, “hearing loss happens gradually over a period of time and affects both ears. This is different. It comes on fast and usually affects only one ear. It is typically caused by damage to your inner ear or because of problems with the nerve fibers that deliver information from your ear to your brain.”

                It didn’t take long before I felt overwhelmed by what I was hearing. It was like coming to see the doctor because of indigestion and the doctor tells you she thinks you may have cancer.

               “I’m going to order an MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) to rule out an acoustic neuroma. These tumors are uncommon, but an early symptom of this tumor is sudden hearing loss. I also want you to see your audiologist and get a more complete exam.”

               I took notes and thought to myself, I really don’t have time for this shit. I’ve got things to do and work that requires my attention and this isn’t what I had planned. But the doctor wasn’t finished.

                “In the meantime, I’m going to order fifteen days of high-dose prednisone. It will help protect the auditory nerve and other structures while we’re finding out more. It will make it difficult for you to sleep, but it’s necessary to your ears.”

             Over the next week, I began the prednisone and had the MRI and hearing test. The good news was that I did not have a tumor growing in my ear and my right ear hadn’t gotten any worse since I was tested last. But the tests verified significant loss in my left ear.

                What changed my life for good began horrendously. Prior to taking the prednisone, my sleep pattern was wonderfully regular. I could get in bed at 9 PM, read for an hour, then lights out at 10 PM. I would sleep straight through to 5 AM with a few brief wakeups to pee. I never took anything to sleep and never used an alarm to wake up.

                As soon as the steroids were in my system, I slept fitfully from 10 PM to 2 AM, then was wide awake. Not only was I awake, but I was agitated and anxious, and my moods went from extreme ups to terrifying downs. The doctor said to hang in there, that we would taper off the prednisone after ten days and I would be completely off them five days later.

                When I was wide awake at 2:00 AM, with my emotions bouncing me off the walls, my inner guidance told me I needed to walk (I usually walked everyday in the morning, but never this early).  I got up, got dressed, and walked through the neighborhood guided only by the moonlight and the occasional streetlight.

                The fifteen days turned from “A Nightmare on Elm Street” into a “Magical Mystery Tour.” I heard the night sounds as never before, cicadas and crickets, doing their dance. I watched the moon and stars, saw early-morning deer, and house cats out and about, even heard a fox with his eerie screech-bark which seemed to have a message of support. The night walks calmed me and when I got home, I wrote notes in my journal. I felt I was getting back in touch with the natural world of my childhood when I walked at night, talked to animals, and felt at peace with the world.

                I am now off the prednisone and back to my normal sleep pattern. My hearing has improved slightly and I hope that will continue. I have learned some important lessons:

1. Trust my intuition and inner guidance.
2. Attend to even a minor annoyance. It may be serious. Check it out.
3. All problems can offer important insights into our health and wellbeing.
4. Always look for the larger lessons within the inevitable problems life brings us.

After things began to get back to normal, I wanted to examine the deeper wisdom in my sudden hearing loss. I asked my inner guidance, What is it in the world that I’m not wanting to hear anymore? The answer came in a flash: I want to get away from all the noise going on in the human world these days.

My Life With Less Noise

For me, noise is what distracts me from tuning into my inner wisdom and hence keeps me from truly knowing myself. Humanity seems increasingly out of touch with the laws of nature and has become estranged from the community of life on planet Earth. As historian, Thomas Berry, cautioned,

                “We never knew enough. Nor were we sufficiently intimate with all our cousins in the great family of the earth. Nor could we listen to the various creatures of the earth, each telling its own story. The time has now come, however, when we will listen or we will die.”

                Losing my hearing, even temporarily, has helped me appreciate what a gift it is to hear—from the voices of my wife, children, and grandchildren, to the sounds of the birds, bees, and trees. Having to take a powerful steroid, whose side effects forced me to get out of my house and walk in nature, paradoxically brought me back to my true self.                

Wanting to learn more about how I could continue and deepen my daily practices to reduce noise in my life, I found a wonderful book, Golden: The Power of Silence in a World of Noise by Justin Zorn and Leigh Marz. The book title comes from a quote from Scottish philosopher Thomas Carlyle in his 1836 novel, Sartor Resartus,

                “Speech is silvern, Silence is golden.”

                Zorn and Marz describe three kinds of noise that challenges our lives:

Auditory noise.

                “It’s a measurable fact,” they say, “the world is getting louder.”

 Informational noise.

                They say, “In 2010, Eric Schmidt, then CEO of Google, made a striking estimate: ‘Every two days we now create as much information as we did from the dawn of civilization up until 2003.’ We are overwhelmed with information.”

Internal noise.

                “With so much stimulus consuming our attention, it’s harder to find silence inside our own consciousness,” say Zorn and Marz.

                For me, the first step in connecting with golden silence was to reconnect with nature. In future articles I will share more details about my journey and ways you can reduce the noise in your own life. I write regular articles which you can receive for free if you sign up for my newsletter. I look forward to your feelings, thoughts, and comments.

The post The Day I Lost My Hearing and Found My Life appeared first on MenAlive.

                I have been a highly sensitive man all my life, but never knew that it was “a thing,” until I read Dr. Elaine Aron’s book, The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, which was first published in 1996. In the book she asked:

• Do you have a keen imagination and vivid dreams?
• Is time alone each day as essential to you as food and water?
• Are you noted for your empathy?
• Your conscientiousness?
• Do noise and confusion quickly overwhelm you?
• If your answers are yes, you may be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).

                I remember feeling a chill of delight when I first read those words. She nailed me! Finally, I thought, someone who understands what life is like for me and who can help me accept and appreciate who I am.

                For more than fifty years I have worked in the emerging field of Gender-Specific Healing and Men’s Health and have written seventeen books on various aspects of men’s mental, emotional, and relational health. In 2022 I heard about a film that was being made called “Sensitive Men Rising,” by filmmaker Will Harper.

                I was totally excited and wanted to know when the film would be available. He explained that there was still much to be done, money to raise, music to license, etc. “It will be a while,” he told me. As we exchanged emails and he learned more about my own work, he asked if he could interview me for the film. I felt honored and immediately accepted.

                The film is now available here, with this note from Will:

I am a Sensory Processing Sensitive Man.
I Made This Film Out Of A Need.
I Made This Film For Men.
I Made It For Boys.
I Made It For All.

Will Harper-The Sensitive Director
December 31, 2024

                In June 2024 I wrote an article about the film for my weekly newsletter and shared more about the people I had met since learning about the film. The article titled “Sensitive Men Rising: Why the World Needs Us Now More Than Ever,” can be read here.

                In the article I said,

                “A new documentary film, Sensitive Men Rising (SMR), is turning its lens to the billion men who have largely been hidden in the shadows. Thanks to the breakthrough that we now know as ‘sensory processing sensitivity’ (SPS) — popularly known as ‘high sensitivity’— we know men can play a pivotal role in changing the face and times of masculinity as a force for good in the world.”

                I quoted Dr. Aron, who said,

                “As some of you know, I have a special place in my heart for highly sensitive men. I really do like them. That is part of why I want to see this movie made about them. But what makes them different from other HSPs or other men?”

                Just as her research findings demonstrated that “high sensitivity” is a biologically-based trait present not only in human beings but other species as well, she recognizes that “male sensitivity” also has biological roots.

                “First, Highly Sensitive Males (HSMs) develop under the influence of male genes, the main factor being testosterone. Gender spectrum aside, almost all HSMs (and men in general) are clearly biologically male.”

                 Dr. Aron goes on to say that these issues are complex and we will learn more over time, yet there are things that we can say now.

                “Of course, male and female behavior is such that many men do some things women normally do and vice versa, but hormones have to make HSMs and HSWs different in some ways. How do hormones interact with sensitivity?  We do not know yet, but they surely do, and we need to learn about it. Maybe that’s phase two of the research.”

                Dr. Aron also recognizes the importance of understanding evolutionary realities as we seek to work with this important, biologically, based trait.

                “Looking back at the evolution of male behavior we know sensitivity works enough to be present in 20 or even 30% of the population and in equal numbers in men and women. That means HSMs have been successful at reproducing themselves, but how?”

                 She goes on to say,

                “When you know that you are highly sensitive, it reframes your life. Knowing that you have this trait will enable you to make better decisions.

                Early in my life, I always felt my sensitivity made me different from most of my male peers. Now, as a father of five, grandfather of seventeen, and great grandfather of four, I realize I’m part of a select group of males who have a larger calling in life.

                  Based on her own research and that of others, she suggests that we look to the unique ways in which men are engaged with their children.

                “We know human males evolved into a strategy found in some birds and in some other mammals, which is staying around after mating to help raise their own young. This method of seeing their DNA go on to the next generation contrasts sharply with simply mating as often as possible with as many females as possible and not staying around after.”

                If we weren’t highly sensitive before we had children, being an involved father will definitely bring out the best in us.

                “Bottom line,” says Dr. Aron, “Highly Sensitive Men Have S.T.Y.L.E.”

                Dr. Aron gives us a simple acronym to summarize how this unique trait of High Sensitivity manifests itself in men.

• S for strategic, or depth of processing in action, since males must act and keep an eye on other males, especially those who are more aggressive.

• T for testosterone — you cannot explain an HSM by thinking he is more “feminine.”

• Y  for wise yielding — to live to fight (better) another day and in another way, and yielding as in “high yield” investments.  (Yielding can be misperceived as weakness, but it isn’t at all — as when in the martial arts, especially judo [or Aikido, a martial art I have practiced over the years], you use the other’s attack to defeat them almost effortlessly while preserving your own mental and physical energy.)

• L  for leadership — either among people or becoming leaders in their fields, in the arts, science, business, athletics, or any field they endeavor, using their unique STYLE.

• E for empathy, which can be used in close relationships and leadership, but also in knowing, for strategic purposes, what others are up to, sometimes even before they know.

The High Sensation Seeking, Highly Sensitive Person

                In the same way I felt a hidden part of my essence as a person was revealed when I first read Elaine Aron’s book, The Highly Sensitive Person, I deepened my sense of self when I read Tracy M. Cooper’s book, Thrill: The Sensation Seeking Highly Sensitive Person.

                “Sensation seeking is a personality trait comprising four main aspects,” says Dr. Cooper.

• Thrill and adventure seeking.
• Experience and novelty seeking.
• Disinhibition.
• Boredom susceptibility.

                The more I learned, the more I realized, Yes, that’s me, too!

                Dr. Cooper told me that high sensation seeking, highly sensitive people (HSS/HSP) are often left out in understanding the gifts and challenges we face.

                “Since we are up to half the HSP population, it is vital that we be included,” he told me.

                You can learn more about Dr. Cooper’s work here.

Welcome to the Sensitive Man, the Site for Highly Sensitive Males

                William Allen is another “highly sensitive man,” friend, and colleague. He is also the author of the book, On Being a Sensitive Man: Success Strategies for Harnessing Your Highly Sensitive Nature. Dr. Tracy Cooper wrote the Foreword for the book and Dr. Elaine Aron said,

                “William Allen is a major voice for highly sensitive men, tirelessly advocating for the need to redefine masculinity in a way that includes the huge contributions highly sensitive men make to the world.”

                His website offers articles, classes, podcasts, men’s groups, and a community of open-hearted and like-minded seekers of truth.

                You can learn more about William Allen here:

 Sensitive Men Rising: The Peaceful Warriors We Need in the World Today

            A few of the real-life Highly Sensitive Men I have admired in my life include:

• The Dalai Lama
• Mahatma Gandhi
• Martin Luther King Jr.
• Abraham Lincoln
• Psychologists Abraham Maslow, Carl Rogers, and Psychiatrist John Bowlby.

            These are all highly sensitive men who also have had to stand up against oppression with the strength of peaceful warriors. A man who also fits that description is meditation master Chögyam Trungpa. In my book, The Warrior’s Journey Home: Healing Men, Healing the Planet, I quote Trungpa who says,

                “Warriorship does not refer to making war on others. Aggression is the source of our problems, not the solution. Here the word ‘warrior’ is taken from the Tibetan, pawo, which literally means ‘one who is brave.’ Warriorship in this context is the tradition of human bravery, or the tradition of fearlessness. Warriorship is not being afraid of who you are.”

Where Do We Go From Here?

            We are at a time in human history where Highly Sensitive Men are needed now more than ever. Mark Jamison, Head of Global Clients, VISA, Inc., one of the experts featured in the film Sensitive Men Rising, says, 

                “The world is falling apart, political divisiveness is pulling us under, the environment is being destroyed. We need a different model. When people see options that bring hope and sensitivity and a much more integrative approach to problem solving, I see them embracing it with their arms wide open.”

            At the end of the film, Dr. Elaine Aron concludes,

                “Most of the world’s suffering is due to a certain kind of masculinity. A different kind can change that. Sensitive men are rising. It’s a whole new ball game.”

                Let me know how this resonates with you. I always like to hear from readers. You can visit me at www.MenAlive.com.

The post The Future of the Sensitive Men Rising Movement: We Are Here to Transform the World For Good appeared first on MenAlive.

                I have been a successful marriage and family counselor for more than fifty years and have learned that people want and need love now more than ever. However, finding the right partner is a real challenge. Even more challenging is learning the science and art of deepening and keeping love alive once we have found the partner of our dreams. I have written seventeen books about love, life, and relationships and my book Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions became an international bestseller. But I have recently discovered a program that is even more successful than mine.

                I had the opportunity to meet and interview Adam Cohen-Aslatei, CEO of Three Day Rule, a personalized and modern matchmaking service for high-intent singles seeking meaningful connections. Since launching in 2010, Three Day Rule has been on a mission to show successful singles that matchmaking can be modern, affordable, and accessible.

                Adam discussed his matchmaking company’s unique approach, which combines holistic coaching, AI-driven database search, and a new app with voice and text capabilities to match clients.

                According to dating statistics from eharmony, around 80 million people in the U.S. are now using dating apps or websites — or about 30% of the adult population. There are more than 8,000 dating sites to choose from. Yet, several studies show that dating app success rates are less than 10%.

                The problem is that they don’t work very well delivering what most people really want, which is to find a partner that is compatible and where they can get the love they truly want and need, now and forever. Matchmaking has demonstrated a 70-80% success rate because it focuses on the needs of real people. Three Day Rule has become so successful because they deliver what people need and want and they do it in a way that can help many people like you and me.

                The company has grown to employ more than 50 dating and relationship experts—Professionals helping clients tired of swiping and blind dates, finding hand-selected matches, and guiding clients and potential partners through the dating process and through the early stages of a relationship to build a strong, healthy foundation. Along with paid membership, Three Day Rule cultivates a database with more than 250,000 relationship-ready singles, and over 21,000 successful matches, and it’s also free for anyone to join HERE.

                You can watch my interview with Adam here where he will tell you about Three Day Rule, why they have a proven track record of success, how they have become the fastest growing matchmaking company in the U.S., and how the name of the company speaks to an important reason so many programs fail to deliver on their promises.

                The famous psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud said,

                “Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness.”

                Throughout my years as a marriage and family therapist I have found that many women and men have found success at work, but still struggle to find the real, lasting love we all need. I have worked with many individuals and couples over the years, but the number of people I can see is limited.

                Those who visit my website will see my introductory video, “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor.” It was more than embarrassing to confront the reality that I was able to help others find relationship success, but I had not been able to make it work in my own life. I took time off from my professional work, did some soul-searching, sought guidance from experts, and finally figured out what I was missing.

                I am pleased to say that my wife, Carlin, and I have now been happily married for 45 years. I have written about our journey in my book, The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why the Best is Still to Come. I wish that Three Day Rule had been available to me when I was struggling in my own life, but glad they are here now.

                I learned from Adam that Talia Goldstein founded Three Day Rule with a simple, but powerful concept.

                “Having a Matchmaker is like having a dating concierge,” she says. “You have a very full life. We do everything for you. We’ll go on all your bad first dates and we’ll only send you the best ones that are really worth your time.”  

                When I say that Three Day Rule is the matchmaker to the stars, I don’t just mean that they are well known for their work with Hollywood celebrities and people who work in the movie industry, though they certainly have helped many find success with relationships. I mean that they treat everyone like a star, get to know all about you, what you want and need in a partner, then go about helping you find that special someone and teaching you the skills you need to “live happily ever after.”  

                Three Day Rule currently operates in Boston, Chicago, Dallas, Los Angeles, Miami, Orange County (CA), New York, Philadelphia, San Diego, San Francisco, Seattle, Silicon Valley, and Washington, DC, and is accepting clients in the U.S. and globally.

                One of the big mistakes I made during the years I was trying to figure out why I was having so much trouble finding love is that we are using “love maps” that often lead us in the wrong direction. Without being conscious of it, I was drawn to a certain kind of woman repeatedly that was often based on her physical attributes and “sexiness” but left out important factors that were more important for finding real, lasting love.

                Adam told me that one of the most important aspects of Third Day Rule’s success is that they emphasize four key factors that lead to long-term relationship success including:

1. Shared values
2. Shared life goals, especially those related to life stage and future vision
3. Ambition
4. Personality

                And, of course, physical attractiveness.

                “We always remind clients to use the “Rule of Three” on a first date, Adam says. “Find two emotional qualities in the person that align with your own, plus one thing you find physically attractive. If those three elements are there — and there are no major red flags — it’s worth going on a second date.”

                Finally, Adam pointed out initially men and women tend to look for different traits in a partner. Women often prioritize income stability (or a signal to ambition/future success). Men tend to prioritize physical attraction earlier on. There’s nothing wrong with a woman wanting a man who is a good provider or a man wanting a shapely sexy partner. But it often causes us to exclude partners who would be perfect for us in the long run and may get us hooked on someone who may knock our socks off when we first meet yet fizzle out in the long run when we’re trying to build a life together.

                “Over time, both men and women learn that while attraction sparks connection,” says Adam, “shared values and emotional compatibility are what sustain it. We should be looking for a slow burn not butterflies! We want love instead of lust.”

                If you’d like to learn more about Third Day Rule you can do so here: https://www.threedayrule.com/pool/adam.

                Adam said he would like to offer our readers a 20% discount for all matchmaker services if you mention you read about it from this article.

                Adam said, you could also email him directly. Adam@threedayrule.com. He’s a real person and he will respond. Also, Adam as a special gift for subscribers to my weekly newsletter:

                If you want to see my interview with Adam, you can watch it on YouTube here.

                To subscribe to my free weekly newsletter you can do so here: https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/. I look forward to hearing from you. I’m also a real person and I will respond to your emails.

The post Looking for Love in All the Right Places: Why Three Day Rule Is the Matchmaker for the Stars appeared first on MenAlive.

                The day began, as it had so often in the past, with a reminder from the Board of Behavior Sciences. “This is to notify you that your License is up for renewal,” it told me in bold black letters. The Board licenses several professions in the mental health field including:

• Marriage and Family Therapists (MFTs) who the Board says, “provide therapy to individuals, couples, and families.”
• Licensed Educational Psychologists (LEP), “Professionals who focus on the psychological aspects of education and learning.”
• Licensed Professional Clinical Counselors (LPCC), “Counselors who offer mental health services and guidance.”
• Licensed Clinical Social Workers (LCSW), “Social workers who provide mental health services and support.”

                The truth is there are more and more professionals working in the field and what we do often overlaps and can’t be easily categorized. I hold license #5066, as Licensed Clinical Social, a license I have had since 1970 and one I have renewed religiously for the last 55 years. Every two years I am required to pay a fee, submit proof that I carry liability insurance, and have completed the required 36 hours of continuing education.

                Today I have signed the papers which will retire my license. This decision was sudden and unexpected, but a long time coming, and requires some historical reflection to make sense of it all.

                I graduated from U.C. Santa Barbara on June 21,1965 and prepared for a summer break to spend time visiting friends in Mexico before going off to medical school at U.C. San Francisco where I had been accepted in the fall and awarded a four-year-full-tuition fellowship.

                I had studied hard in college, earned high grades, was involved in enough extracurricular activities to show I wasn’t a complete nerd, and was looking forward to becoming a medical doctor and eventually a psychiatrist. Few people knew that my hidden motivation to become a doctor was that I imagined that if I was successful, I would be able to help men like my father.

                As I described in my book, My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound, when I was five years old, my father had a “nervous breakdown” and took an overdose of sleeping pills because he felt he couldn’t support his family (me and my mother) doing work that he loved (he was an actor, playwright, and author). I was charged by my mother to go with my uncle each week to visit my father who had been committed to Camarillo State Mental Hospital north of our home in Los Angeles. When I asked my mother why didn’t go, she simply said, “Your father needs you.”  

                 I wasn’t sure what a five-year old could do, but as my mother often described me, I was her “brave little man.” I promised I would go and do whatever I could to help my father heal.

                What passed for “mental health” treatment in 1949 was not very helpful. My father continued to get worse. On the final visit when I was six years old, my father turned to my uncle and asked, “Harry, who is this kid you’ve got with you?” I was devasted. I thought, somehow, I could help my father and deep down I felt I was responsible for his problem, and I had failed him, my mother, and myself.

                In my child-brain I reasoned that the cause of his depression was the stress of having to support a wife and child. Since I imagined he was O.K. until I came along, I reasoned that I must be responsible for what happened to him.

                I grew up wondering what happened to my father, when it would happen to me, and what I could do to make up for my failure as a dutiful son.

                In 1965, at the age of twenty-one, I finally made it into medical school.  I looked forward to getting the training I needed to help men like my dad and families like ours. But I soon became disillusioned. I found that medical school was elitist and geared towards those who fit into a rather dysfunctional, male-dominated, system.

                Before our first classes began the six of us, who had the coveted Regents fellowships, were driven across the bay to ritzy Marin County, wined and dined, and made to feel special. The message was clear: Follow the rules, play the game, and this will be yours someday.

                This was not the message that resonated with a boy whose parents were lefty-activists who grew up accompanying my parents handing out leaflets and seeking to organize workers at the local General Motors plant. My reaction to what I saw after being in medical school a few months, was to get out as soon as I could.

                One day in class, I knew I had to leave. I went to see the dean of the school and told him I didn’t want to be a doctor after all.  Since there was still time to replace me, my resignation was quickly accepted, though I had to see a psychiatrist before I could leave. From their point of view giving back the money for a four-years of medical education was clearly an indication of mental instability, though it never occurred to me that I could keep the money.

                When asked where I planned to go, I had no idea, but I blurted out, “I want to be a social worker.” The dean brightened at a simple solution.

                “Oh, so you’ll be going to U.C. Berkeley to the School of Social Welfare. Say hello to my friend Dean Chernin.”  

                I had no idea where Berkeley was, but I borrowed a car, drove across the bay, found the School of Social Welfare, and the two deans worked out a plan for me to remain enrolled at the Medical School, but do course work in Berkeley and apply to graduate school the following year.

                I soon felt at home in my new surroundings, a different kind of place than the medical school I was leaving. The first obvious different was that medical school was predominantly male. There were only a few women in my 1965 class. Social welfare was the opposite. It was predominately female with only a few males.

                But the difference ran much deeper. The curriculum in medical school was limiting, focused primarily on body parts and systems. Social work was much broader, focused on mental, emotional, relational well-being, family systems, and community organizing.

                The reading and coursework covered a wide variety of issues, and I came to understand the limitations of the system I had left. I later read the book by social scientist Riane Eisler called The Chalice & the Blade: Our History, Our Future which helped me better understand the different systems.

                “This theory, which I have called Cultural Transformation theory,” proposes says Eisler, “that underlying the great surface diversity of human culture are two basic models of society. The first, which I call the dominator model, is what is popularly termed either patriarchy or matriarchy — the ranking of one half of humanity over the other. The second, in which social relations are primarily based on the principle of linking rather than ranking, may best be described as the partnership model. In this model — beginning with the most fundamental difference in our species, between male and female — diversity is not equated with either inferiority or superiority.”

                My experience in medical school fit more the dominator model, while my experiences in social work school fit more the partnership model. But over the years that began to change gradually until now, I realize, the professional system has tipped towards domination and it’s time for me to leave.

My New Career at 82

                The truth is, like many areas of our lives, what worked in one era, no longer works as we mature and have a clear vision of who we are and what we need. For years I tried to hold to my partnership values and practices despite the slowly but steadily growing domination and disconnection I was seeing in my profession and the world.

                Today, I decided I could no longer be part of a system that I felt was dysfunctional. Officially, my position as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker won’t expire until my eighty-second birthday on December 21^st. So, I’ve got some time to figure out what is next for me. I hope you’ll share your thoughts and feelings.

                Here are some things I know for sure and more things, I’m sure, will be revealed to me in the next few months:

• Since my wife, Carlin, fell, had hip-replacement surgery, and suffered a stroke in 2023, our lives have changed dramatically and I have become a full-time caregiver, which is both wonderful and challenging.

• Carlin and I have been married for 45 years and look forward to more years together. We remain engaged with our six grown children, seventeen grandchildren, and four great grandchildren. This is also a great blessing and also a challenge to support their changing lives.

• I feel I have at least ten good years to contribute my skills and experiences to helping men and their families to live fully, love deeply, and make a positive difference in the world.

• I want more peace and quiet in my life and less noise. In their book, Golden: The Power of Silence in a World of Noise, Justin Zorn and Leigh Marz, offer expert guidance to turn down the noise and tune into gifts of silence.

• I want to work with others who desire to re-connect us with other people, even those who have very different views than our own. A divided humanity is not long for this world. We need true partnership.

• I want to reconnect with the larger community of life on planet Earth. As the historian Thomas Berry warned us, “We never knew enough. Nor were we sufficiently intimate with all our cousins in the great family of the earth. Nor could we listen to the various creatures of the earth, each telling its own story. The time has now come, however, when we will listen or we will die.”

• I want to be part of a healing community where we can practice partnership principles and work together to create “islands of sanity” in a world where too many humans believe we must double-down on domination, rather than admitting we have lost our way.

                I look forward to your feedback. Please drop me a note to Jed@MenAlive.com. Please share any thoughts and feelings about my plans. What are your own ideas about what is most needed for us to survive and thrive in these challenging times?

                I write a new article each week and am feeling drawn to writing more personal articles like these. What do you think? If you are not part of our community already, I invite you to join and receive my free weekly articles and updates on our work. https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/

The post Starting Anew at 82: The Day I Retired My Clinical License and Began a New Career appeared first on MenAlive.

                I am a marriage and family counselor so I should know better. My wife and I have been married forty-five years, and she still tells me I don’t listen to her.

                “I don’t need you to solve my problems. I just want to be heard,”

                she’s told me many times. I know, I know. I know what I should do, I just have a problem doing it. Filmmaker, Jason Headley captures what many men and women experience in less than two minutes. I have watched the film many times since I first saw it more than ten years ago and it still reminds me of challenges we face in our relationships.

                Like many men, I’ve always been a problem solver. If something isn’t going well in my life, I look for a way to fix it. When water started dripping down one of the beams in the living room, a ran for a pan to catch the drips, then called a roofer friend who came out and fixed the roof.

                When my wife has a problem, I listen until it’s clear what the problem is and then I tell her what I think she should do. To me that’s showing her that I love her. Too many men, I know, are oblivious to what is going on with their partners. I have several male friends who say they were blind-sided when their wife told them, out of the blue, “I want a divorce.” Their wives say that they’ve been voicing their unhappiness for years, but he just didn’t listen.

                I’ve never been that kind of husband. I do listen and I do want my wife to be happy. If there’s a problem that can be fixed, I want to fix it if I can or encourage her to fix it. But over the years I’ve learned that we need to resist our compulsion to fix things and take time to listen.

The Two-Minute Film That Will Change Your Life for the Better, If…

                The film, It’s Not About the Nail was made by Jason Headley. He also wrote Pixar’s Lightyear and Onward and wrote and directed the SXSW Special Jury Prize-winning feature A Bad Idea Gone Wrong. It’s Not About the Nail has gotten over 24 million views on Youtube since it was released in 2013.

                I believe the film can change your life for good if you do three simple things:

1. Watch the film.
2. Learn the important lessons the film teaches us.
3. Practice what you learn… again and again and again.

Seeing The Situation From the Woman’s Perspective

                When you watch and listen to the woman in the film, she tells us clearly what is going on for her and how she is feeling:

                “There’s all this pressure, you know? And sometimes it feels like it’s right up on me. And I can feel it, literally feel it — in my head. And it’s relentless.”

                “And I don’t know if it’s going to stop… that’s the thing that scares me the most. I don’t know… if it’s ever going to stop.”

                She turns to the man and…

Seeing the Situation From the Man’s Perspective

                From his perspective, the problem is obvious and as soon as he points it out, he is sure the woman will do the right thing and accept and appreciate his wisdom.

                He looks at her, points his finger and tells her:

                “You     have     a     nail    in    your    head.”

                To which, she replies, “IT’S NOT ABOUT THE NAIL.”

                It’s important to note that she doesn’t say, “I don’t have a nail in my head,” but “It’s not about the nail.”

                From his perspective, she’s absolutely wrong and if she would listen to him, see the obvious truth of the problem, everything will be O.K.

                “Are you sure… because I bet if we got that thing out of there,” he tells her.

                In exasperation she says, “STOP TRYING TO FIX IT.”

                But, of course, he doesn’t give up. “I’m not trying to fix it,” he says. “I’m just pointing out that maybe the nail is CAUSING…”

                Her frustration boils over. “You always do this. You’re always trying to fix things when what I need is for you to just listen…”

                At this point, we’re halfway through the two-minute film. Are you starting to understand the wisdom and importance of understand their different perspectives? From our separate viewpoints, we each believe the truth is obvious. Yet, there is a deeper truth that we need help recognizing.

What the Experts Have to Say

                I have known and admired the work of Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt for more than forty years. I have interviewed them both numerous times on my podcasts, including a recent interview just with Harville about men’s issues. Harville and Helen are internationally respected couple’s therapists, educators, speakers, and New York Times bestselling authors. Together, they have written over 10 books with more than 4 million copies sold, including the timeless classic, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. In addition, Harville has appeared on the Oprah Winfrey television program 17 times!

                They have helped millions of women and men to listen to each other and know they are being heard and understood. They also have found that relationship problems are not limited to our intimate relationships. They pervade our society. In their most recent book, How to Talk with Anyone about Anything: The Practice of Save Conversations, Harville and Helen say,

                “We began developing the skills that led to creating Safe Conversations Dialogue in Helen’s living room in 1977, when we first began dating. We had both gone through painful divorces, and we were eager to make our relationship work despite our differences.”

                John and Julie Gottman are also a well-respected duo who have been helping couples to improve their relationships for more than forty years. Over the years they learned that men have an important and unique role to play in improving a couple’s love life but have rarely been given the specific tools they needed in order to succeed. 

                “Men, you have the power to make or break a relationship,”

                they say in their book,  The Man’s Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the “Love Lab” About What Women Really Want.

                “What men do in relationships is, by a large margin, the crucial factor that separates a great relationship from a failed one. This does not mean that a woman doesn’t need to do her part, but the data proves that a man’s actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship succeeds or fails, which is ironic, since most relationship books are for women. That’s kind of like doing open-heart surgery on the wrong patient.”

                John Gottman, PhD is the guy who is known for being able to predict with 94 percent accuracy whether a couple will get divorced. The scientific laboratory, the “Love Lab,” is his major source of knowledge. John’s wife, Dr. Julie Gottman, is a clinical psychologist who has worked side by side with John to strengthen couples’ relationships worldwide.

                In addition to being the world’s leading marriage researcher, John has also distinguished himself by being in many disastrous relationships with women before he met Julie. Being a marriage expert doesn’t exempt us from having our own problems. We all need help and support. I know from personal experience as I share on the introductory video on my website, “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor.”

                I write a new article every week. I look forward to your questions and comments. I also invite you to join our community and sign up for our free weekly newsletter.

The post It’s Not About the Nail: The One Thing Women Need They Aren’t Getting From Men appeared first on MenAlive.

                We are living at a time of great chaos and confusion where fear and violence seem to be tearing our country apart. Wounded and rageful men are at the center of the storm. Anger turned outward can lead to murder, turned inward it can lead to suicide. In my last article, “From Artificial Intelligence (AI) to (RI) Real Intimacy: Getting the Love You’ve Always Wanted,” I shared ways this has impacted my own family and cited the work of other experts including Richard V. Reeves, Founder of the American Institute for Boys and Men.

                These are challenging issues, and it is easy to get caught up in media-driven solutions that do not offer in-depth understanding that can lead to practical solutions. In an earlier article, “Warriors For the Human Spirit: Finding Your Path of Contribution in a World Out of Balance,” I offered some of my own findings from my book, The Warrior’s Journey Home: Healing Men, Healing the Planet. I quoted Buddhist scholar Chögyam Trungpa who said,

                “Warriorship here does not refer to making war on others. Aggression is the source of our problems, not the solution. Here the word ‘warrior’ is taken from the Tibetan pawo which literally means ‘one who is brave.’ Warriorship in this context is the tradition of human bravery, or the tradition of fearlessness. Warriorship is not being afraid of who you are.”

The History of Humanity and Our Place in the Community of Life on Planet Earth

                Who are we and what does it mean to be human these days? In her extensively researched and authoritative new book, The Arrogant Ape: The Myth of Human Exceptionalism and Why It Matters, primatologist and Harvard Professor Dr. Christine Webb, says that classifying humans as Homo sapiens sapiens — the wisest of the wise — may be more arrogance and wishful thinking that evolutionary fact.

                Humans are a very new group of animals who have been recently added to the community of life.

                “If we condense earth’s 4.6-billion year history into a 46-year timeline, humans have existed for only four hours, and the Industrial Revolution began just one minute ago.”

                To begin to understand what it means to be human and the challenges we face today we must greatly broaden our perspective. In their book, The Universe Story, cosmologist Dr. Brian Swimme and cultural historian Dr. Thomas Berry detail the following: history:

• Our home planet Earth was formed 4.6 billion years ago.

• Lifefirst appeared in the oceans 4.0 billion years ago.

• Plants and animals began evolving 550 million years ago.

• Humans emerged 2.6 million years ago.

                For most of human history humans saw themselves as equal partners in the community of life. When did things start to go wrong? In their book, Nurturing Our Humanity: How Domination and Partnership Shape Our Brains, Lives, and Future, Dr. Riane Eisler, President of the Center for Partnership Studies and anthropologist Dr. Douglas P. Fry say,

                “Nomadic foragers — also called nomadic hunter-gatherers — constitute the oldest form of human social organization, predating by far the agricultural revolution of about 10,000 years ago.”

                Eisler and Fry describe our earliest human ancestors as “The Original Partnership Societies” and say they shared the following characteristics:

• Overall egalitarian
• Equality, respect, and partnership between women and men.
• Nonacceptance of violence, war, abuse, cruelty, and exploitation.
• Ethics that support human caring, prosocial cooperation, and flourishing.

                They contrast partnership systems with ones based on characteristics of domination:

• Rigid top-down rankings, hierarchies of domination are maintained through physical, psychological, and economic control in familial, religious, political, economic and other social institutions.

• Ranking of one form of humanity over the other. Theoretically, this could be the female half over the male half, but historically it has been the ranking of males over females, and with this, the idealization of traits that are in domination systems equated with masculinity, such as “manly” conquest and “heroic” violence.

• The cultural acceptance of abuse and violence, from child-and-wife beating to slavery and warfare.

• Beliefs that rankings of domination are inevitable, even moral.

The Myth of Human Exceptionalism Underlies Our Deepening Disconnection With the Community of Life on Planet Earth

                In The Arrogant Ape, Christine Webb offers a great deal of evidence to demonstrate that most of our current problems are caused by the false belief that humans are above and apart from the rest of the community of life on planet Earth:

                “Human exceptionalism — a.k.a. anthropocentrism or human supremacy — is at the root of the ecological crisis. This pervasive mindset give humans a sense of dominion over Nature, set apart from and entitled to commodify the earth and others species for our own exclusive benefit. And its back-firing on us today, spurring forest fires, sea level rise, mass extinctions, and pandemics like the coronavirus.”

                Thomas Berry believes the very survival of humanity is at risk.

                “So long as we are under the illusion that we know best what is good for the earth and for ourselves, then we will continue our present course, with its devastating consequences on the entire Earth community. We never knew enough. Nor were we sufficiently intimate with all our cousins in the great family of the earth. Nor could we listen to the various creatures of the earth, each telling its own story. The time has now come, however, when we will listen or we will die.”

Returning to Our Partnership Roots and Reconnecting With the Natural World

                In my years working with people addicted to drugs, I learned that the addictive mindset comes to believe that the solution to their pain and suffering is their alcohol, cocaine, or some other drug or activity that promises relief, but offers more pain and suffering. Addicts become like confused homing pigeons flying faster and faster in the wrong direction. Recovery begins when we give up our mistaken belief that we can fix our problem on our own and admit with humility that we need to rely on a higher power.

                Our old story tells us that to survive and thrive we must dominate nature. The new story, or more accurately, a return to an earlier story that we were living for more than 99% of human history was a story indigenous cultures all over the world are still enacting and if we can let go of our arrogance we can once again find the peace and prosperity that is our birth right.

                Christine Webb says,

                “This pivotal ecological moment can be seen either optimistically or pessimistically, but I favor neither. Instead, I tend toward hope. Optimism and pessimism are probabilistic; they proclaim to know the odds, and await a better or worse future. Hope, on the other hand, centers on potential and uncertainty — it’s about not knowing. In other words, hope is more aligned with humility.”

                She concludes saying,

                “Hope arises when we realize that human exceptionalism is not an inherent trait, not a bias we’re born with. Rather, it’s a role we’ve assumed thanks to a cultural story we’ve inherited.”

                We each can do our part to enact a new story, but first we need to let go of the old one. The good news is that we are not alone and together we can change our lives and the world for good. I appreciate your feedback and ideas. I invite you to visit me at MenAlive.com or drop me an email to Jed@MenAlive.com.

The post What Does It Mean to Be Human in a World Out of Balance? appeared first on MenAlive.

                Professor G (Scott Galloway) offers a chilling reminder of how hungry we are for connection and how lonely we’ve become. In a recent article, Lonely Fans he says,

                   “Humans are hard-wired to connect. Interacting with families and friends is as essential as food, water, and shelter. Through the 1970s, Americans seemed adept at forming social groups: political associations, labor unions, local memberships. Those bonds have faded. Weekly religious service attendance has fallen to 30% from 42% two decades ago. Marriage rates have plunged. ‘Third places’ — public gathering spots outside home and work — are disappearing.”

                For more than fifty years I have worked with men and their families. In my latest book, Long Live Men! The Moonshot Mission to Heal Men, Close the Lifespan Gap, and Offer Hope to Humanity, I say,

                   “Millions of men are lonely and isolated, and many aren’t even aware of it. Many of the most successful people I know, and have worked with, feel emotionally alone, but never slow down enough to let their feelings catch up with them.”

                I quoted Dr. Thomas Joiner, author of the book, Lonely at the Top: The High Cost of Men’s Success, who talked about the hidden problem that most men try and hide.

                   “Men’s main problem is not self-loathing, stupidity, greed, or any of the legions of other things they’re accused of. The problem, instead, is loneliness. As they age, they gradually lose contacts with friends and family, and here’s the important part, they don’t replenish them.”

                I grew up with a father who suffered in silence and in desperation took an overdose of sleeping pills when he felt increasingly hopeless and worthless. Although he didn’t die, our lives were never the same. I grew up wondering what happened to my father, when it would happen to me, and what I could do to help other families like mine.

                I got my first clues when I discovered a journal my father had written in the months leading up to his final act of desperation:

                   July 3: “Oh, Christ, if I could only give my son a decent education — a college decree with a love for books, a love for people, good, solid knowledge. No guidance was given to me. I slogged and slobbered and blundered through two-thirds of my life.”

                   August 8: “Sunday morning, my humanness has fled. I’m tired, hopelessly tired, surrounded by an immense brick wall, a blood-spattered brick world, splattered with my blood where I senselessly banged to find an opening, to find one loose brick, so I could feel the cool breeze and could stick out my hand and pluck a handful of wheat, but this brick wall is impregnable, not an ounce of mortar loosens, not a brick gives.”

                   November 9: “A hundred failures, an endless number of failures, until now, my confidence, my hope, my belief in myself, has run completely out. Middle aged, I stand and gaze ahead, numb, confused, and desperately worried. My hope and my life stream are both running desperately low, so low, so stagnant, that I hold my breath in fear, believing that the dark, blank curtain is about to descend.”

                   Men need support and safe places they can share their feelings and receive support and guidance before they become suicidal.

Losing 40,000 Men a Year to Suicide is a National Tragedy

                According to Richard V. Reeves, Founder of the American Institute for Boys and Men,

                   “Suicide is a gendered health crisis. Boys and men account for 80% of the deaths from suicide in the United States. This amounts to almost 40,000 male deaths a year, about the same as the loss of women’s lives from breast cancer.”

                In a recent post, Reeves backs up his assertion with a chart comparing male and female suicides within various age groups:

                “These are indeed very striking gender gaps,” says Reeves. “But in the age bands below that, the real change in recent years has been a dramatic rise in loss of life from suicide among young men. Suicide rates among young men have risen by a shocking 30% since 2010.”

Loneliness is Lucrative

                Scott Galloway says that “loneliness is lucrative” and offers startling and disturbing reflections on the website “Only Fans.”

                “Leonid Radvinsky, the secretive owner of OnlyFans, received a $700 million windfall last year, while the platform’s top tier of content creators — mostly women — earn millions annually,” says Galloway. “With $7.2 billion in annual gross revenue and just 46 employees, OnlyFans may be one of the most profitable companies on the planet. The site is viewed as a porn-centric hub where men pay women for sexual content. The company claims it’s giving creators and their 378 million fans (greater than the population of the U.S.) something more: an opportunity to forge ‘authentic connections’.”

The Price We Pay For Artificial Intimacy

              Yet these kinds of on-line, pay-to-play, connections do not satisfy our human need to bond with others and to find real lasting love. Instead, they create an addictive hunger that never gets satisfied and, like all addictions, leads to an increasing hunger for more intense stimulation.

                Men are especially vulnerable. The most unstable, violent societies have one thing in common: A large population of wounded, unhealed, men. We are creating millions of these lost souls. In her book, Strongmen: Mussolini to the Present, historian Ruth Ben-Ghiat says,

                   “Ours is the age of authoritarian rulers: self-proclaimed saviors of the nation who evade accountability while robbing their people of truth, treasure, and the protections of democracy. They promise law and order, then legitimize law-breaking by financial, sexual, and other predators.”

                 Comedian Elayne Boosler offers a humorous and insightful view of these gender differences.

                   “When women get depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.”

              Without healthy guidance from healthy male elders, our young boys and men are vulnerable. Richard Reeves of the American Institute for Boys and Men says,

                   “Forthcoming research from AIBM, shows that among men aged 15-34, more than half a million years of potential life are now being lost every year.”

              In my book, The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression, I say,

                   “Research demonstrates that up to 30 percent of boys and men, especially those in adolescence and midlife, exhibit symptoms of Irritable Male Syndrome. In its mildest forms, IMS can cause males to be moody and irritable. At its worst, it can lead to violence and suicide.”

What Can Be Done: Tapping Into Living Intelligence

              Many believe that the world is becoming too complex for humans to solve the many problems we face. They believe that artificial intelligence is the answer. While I believe that we should use whatever tools are available that have been shown to be most helpful, I don’t believe that artificial intelligence is the answer to our loneliness pandemic.

              Living intelligence is a force that has been with us for millions of years.  In their book, The Universe Story, mathematical cosmologist Dr. Brian Swimme and historian Dr. Thomas Berry tell us that life on Earth evolved 4 billion years ago and has continued ever since. They say the first humans evolved 2.6 million years ago followed by Homo sapiens 200,000 years ago.

              I do not believe we have tapped into all the wisdom that is available to us. In his book Pure Human: The Hidden Truth of Our Divinity, Power, and Destiny, scientist and author Gregg Braden has this to say:

              “We humans are an ancient and mysterious form of life. We’re the unlikely convergence of invisible thoughts, emotions, and imaginations woven into the fabric of tissue, bone, and blook that make possible our choices, and the consequences of our choices, each and every day of our lives.”

            Braden believes we are at a crucial choice point in human evolution that will determine our continued evolution or our demise.

                   “We now have at our fingertips the technology to alter ourselves — to rewrite the code of our DNA and the neural networks that define us — in ways that, once implemented, can never be reversed, and will forever change what it means to be human.”

             He concludes,

                   “By the year 2030, we will either have awakened to the truth of our untapped human potential, or we will be locked into a society of hybrid humans that has engineered away our powers of creativity, emotion, empathy, and intuition.”

There is Still Time to Get Real

              The Velveteen Rabbit (or How Toys Become Real) is a British children’s book written by Margery Williams. It chronicles the story of a stuffed rabbit’s desire to become real through the love of his owner. The story was first published in Harper’s Bazaar in 1921 featuring illustrations from Williams’ daughter Pamela Bianco, and the book was first published in 1922.

               I have always loved good books and know they will never be replayed by AI.

               Here is an excerpt that reminds me of how real love can change us all:

                “The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces.

                 “He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.

                  “What is REAL? asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

                  “Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

                  “Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

                “Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

                “Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

                 “It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

Getting Real: A Course for Men and Women Who Still Believe in Real Intimacy

                  For those who have visited my website, MenAlive.com, you have seen my introductory video, “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor.” I have learned that finding real lasting love isn’t easy and it takes courage and tenacity and guidance from elders.

                   My wife, Carlin, and I have been married now for 45 wonderful years. We described our own healing journey in my book, The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why the Best is Still to Come. I will be offering a new course for those who would like to improve their love lives. Whether you are in a relationship that could use some additional support or are looking for that special someone, I invite you to join me.

                   If you’re interested, drop me an email: Jed@MenAlive.com and put “Getting Real About Love” in the subject line and I will send you more details.

The post From Artificial Intelligence (AI) to (RI) Real Intimacy: Getting the Love You’ve Always Wanted appeared first on MenAlive.

                I have worked in the healthcare field for more than fifty years. I began my career working in addiction medicine. After working with men and women suffering from addictions to drugs like alcohol, heroin, and cocaine, I began to realize that addiction is not just about drugs.

                We know that people can have addictive relationships with food, work, and even sex and love. In my book, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions, I say,

                “When we find that our romantic relationships are a series of disappointments yet continue to pursue them, we are looking for love in all the wrong places. When we are overwhelmed by our physical attraction to a new person, when the chemistry feels fantastic, and we are sure that this time we have found someone who will make us whole, we are looking for love in all the wrong places.”

                In the book, I also quoted Dr. Stanton Peele, an authority on addiction who reminds us,

                “Many of us are addicts, only we don’t know it. We turn to each other out of the same needs that drive some people to drink and others to heroin. Interpersonal addiction — love addiction — is just about the most common yet least recognized form of addiction we know.”

                Now Dr. Raphael Cuomo has extended our understanding of addiction even further. In his book, Crave: The Hidden Biology of Addiction and Cancer, he says,

                “We live in a society saturated with addiction, but not just the kind that ends in emergency rooms or interventions. This is not only about heroin, meth, or alcohol. It is about the relentless cycle of stimulation and reward that defines ordinary life. Binge eating. Compulsive phone checking. Nightly glasses of wine. Doomscrolling. Sugar, caffeine, porn, social media validation, and manufactured outrage.”

                I had the opportunity to interview Dr. Cuomo. I asked him questions that I thought my readers would be most interested in learning about including the following:

• What first got you interested in the cancer connection and why is this connection both hidden and important?

• If you were talking to a group of guys, what are some of the things you would say to them about how the book could help them?

• Tell us in what ways food is a drug and what do we need to know to keep from becoming hooked?

• What is “Digital Dopamine” and why is it a hidden public health problem?

                You can watch my full interview with Dr. Cuomo here.

                Most of has have concerns about cancer, know someone who has been diagnosed with cancer, or have fears that we ignore or obsess about. Dr. Cuomo offers a new perspective I found very helpful. He says,

                “We often think of cancer as a genetic accident. A cell mutates, begins to divide uncontrollably, and escapes detection. The story is partially true. But it omits the most important questions:

                What makes the body permissive to that escape?

                Why does the immune system, which identifies and eliminates abnormal cells every day,                 begin to miss its targets?

                Why do repair systems fail to correct damaged DNA?

                Why does cellular growth shift from regulated to rebellious?”

                In ten, information-packed chapters, Dr. Cuomo answers these and many more questions that can help us understand the biology of addiction and cancer:

1. Molecular Scars
2. The Addicted Society
3. Craving is Chemical
4. Inflammation Nation
5. Food as a Drug
6. Digital Dopamine
7. Nicotine, Alcohol, and the Usual Suspects?
8. Beyond the Individual
9. Biology Can Change
10. The New Prevention

                In his concluding chapter, Dr. Cuomo says,

                “Prevention, as commonly understood, has struggled to match the evolving reality of cancer. Cancer involves more than external exposure. It arises from internal conditions. Disease takes hold when the body’s environment shifts toward permissiveness, inflammation becomes persistent, immune surveillance weakens, insulin signaling grows erratic, and repair mechanisms fall behind damage. These issues arise collectively, resulting from behavioral, emotional, and structural patterns repeated consistently over time.”

                For more information about Dr. Cuomo and his work, you can visit him here: https://raphaelcuomo.com/

                You can watch my interview with Dr. Cuomo here: https://youtu.be/GLuHclBPH4U

                If you would like to subscribe to my free weekly newsletter and read more articles about physical, mental, emotional, and relational health, you may do so here:

                https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/

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                Dan Buettner is an educator, explorer, National Geographic Fellow, and author of numerous books including, The Blue Zones: Secrets for Living Longer—Lessons From the Healthiest Places on Earth.

                “In the early 2000s I set out to reverse engineer longevity,” says Buettner. “Rather than searching for answers in a test tube or a petri dish, I looked for them among populations that have achieved what we want — long, healthy lives, and sharp brains until the end.”

                After locating the world’s blue zones areas, Buettner and National Geographic took teams of scientists to each location to pinpoint lifestyle characteristics that might explain the unusual longevity. They found that though the blue zones communities are located in vastly different parts of the world, their residents share nine specific traits that lead to longer, healthier, happier lives. These traits are called the Power 9.

1. Move Naturally — “The world’s longevity all-stars don’t pump iron, run marathons, or join gyms,” says Buettner. “Instead, they live in environments that constantly nudge them into moving without thinking about it.”
2. Purpose — “People in the blue zones don’t wake up feeling rudderless. They’re interested in family, keeping their minds engaged. The Nicoyans called it plan de vida and the Okinawans called it Ikigai. For both, it translates to ‘why I wake up in the morning.’”
3. Downshift — “Even people in the blue zones experience stress. But what the world’s longest-lived people have that we don’t are routines to shed that stress. Ikarians take a nap and Sardinians do happy hour. Costa Ricans have a knack for creating happy moments every day.”
4. 80% Rule — “Eat until you’re 80% full. Unlike most Americans, who keep eating until their stomachs are full, traditional Okinawans stop as soon as they no longer feel hungry.”
5. Plant Slant — “Until the late 20^th century, the diets of every blue zone consisted almost entirely of minimally processed plant-based foods–mostly whole grains, greens, nuts, tubers, and beans.”
6. Wine @ 5 — People in the blue zones (except Adventists) drink alcohol moderately and regularly. The trick, if you do drink, is to drink one to two glasses per day with friends and food.”
7. Belong — “Healthy centenarians everywhere have faith. All but a handful of the centenarians we’ve interviewed belonged to a faith-based community. Denomination doesn’t seem to matter.”
8. Loved Ones First — “Successful centenarians in the blue zones put their families first. This means keeping aging parents and grandparents nearby or in the home.”
9. Right Tribe — “One of the most profound, measurable, and long-lasting things you can do to adopt a blue zones lifestyle is to build a social circle around yourself that supports healthy eating, activity, and emotional well-being.”

                These are all worth exploring. Those that work for you, build into your life. Yet, it is not easy to live with these healthy practices in today’s world.

The Rise of Domination Systems Throughout the World

                Social systems scientist Riane Eisler, one of the most original thinkers of our time, first wrote about the two contrasting systems in our world in her book, The Chalice & The Blade: Our History, Our Future:

                “The first, which I call the dominator model, is what is popularly termed either patriarchy or matriarchy — the ranking of one half of humanity over the other. The second, in which social relations are primarily based on the principle of linking rather than ranking, may best be described as the partnership model.In this model — beginning with the most fundamental difference in our species, between male and female — diversity is not equated with either inferiority or superiority.”

                In her most recent book written with anthropologist Douglas Fry, Nurturing Our Humanity: How Domination and Partnership Shape Our Brains, Lives, and Future, they say that for most of our two-million-year history humans have lived in balance with nature in true partnership. But in the last six thousand years 6,000 years (less than 1% of our history) domination systems have been on the rise.

Planet Aqua: Rethinking Our Home in the Universe

                Like Riane Eisler, Jeremy Rifkin is a maverick social scientist who is changing the way we perceive our world. He is the author of 23 books including The Empathic Civilization, The Age of Resilience and most recently Planet Aqua: Rethinking Our Home in the Universe.

                 Rifkin says that when humans decided to attempt to tame the vast waters of our planet six-thousand years ago, it set in motion a time-bomb of destruction that is causing damage that puts our very existence at risk. Jane Goodall, Founder of the Jane Goodall Institute and UN Messenger of Peace, says,

                “Planet Aqua will shock most people. Rifkin points out that instead of living on a land planet, we actually live on a water planet — fresh, salt, and frozen — and this changes all of our long-held beliefs. Now, climate change is rapidly disrupting the hydrosphere, taking us into a foreboding future of floods, droughts, heatwaves, wildfires, and hurricanes, pushing many species to extinction, including our own.”

Nature Bats Last: The Imminent Collapse of Hydraulic Civilization

                “Our earliest ancestors were animists and conceived of the world around them as alive, vibrant, and brimming with spirits continually interacting in a boundaryless nature, of which our species’ agency was intimately intertwined,” says Jeremy Rifkin. “Six millennia ago along the Euphrates and Tigris Rivers in what is now Turkey and Iraq and, shortly thereafter, the Nile River in Egypt, the Ghaggar-Hakra and Indus rivers in the Indus Valley, the Yellow River in the Huang He Valley of China and later across the Roman Empire, our forebears began to harness the planetary waters for the exclusive use of our humanity. Now, in the grips of a warming planet, brought on in large part by a fossil fuel-driven water/energy/food nexus, the urban hydraulic civilization is collapsing in real time.”

                Anthropologist Joseph Tainter studied numerous civilizations throughout history and recognized patterns of collapse which he described in his book The Collapse of Complex Societies. In The Fate of Empires and the Search for Survival, Sir John Glubb noted a similar pattern, that all “superpowers” from ancient Persia to the Roman and British Empires, collapsed after ten generations or approximately 250 years.

                Thomas Berry was a “geologian” and a historian of religions. He spoke eloquently to our connection to the Earth and the consequences of our failure to remember we are one member in the community of life.

                “We never knew enough. Nor were we sufficiently intimate with all our cousins in the great family of the earth. Nor could we listen to the various creatures of the earth, each telling its own story. The time has now come, however, when we will listen or we will die.”

                Another visionary who has been sounding the alarm about the times in which we live is evolutionary scientist, Rebecca D. Costa. In her book, The Watchman’s Rattle: A Radical New Theory of Collapse, she says,

                “The uneven rate of change between the slow evolution human biology and the rapid rate at which societies advance eventually causes progress to come to a standstill.”

                She quotes her mentor world-renowned biologist E.O. Wilson, who has been called “the Darwin of the 21^st Century.” According to Wilson,

                “The real problem of humanity is that we have paleolithic emotions; medieval institutions; and god-like technology.”

                In an article I wrote about Cost’s work, “We Can Handle the Truth,” I quoted her:

                “From an evolutionary perspective, social progress moves fast, but our brains — the apparatus that must process all this new information — evolve over millions of years. So, while the world is changing in picoseconds, my brain is struggling to keep up.”

                This is the underlying reason, she believes, that all complex civilizations eventually come to an end.

The Truth Can Set You Free: Who Do You Choose to Be?

                I wrote about the collapse in numerous articles including, “How You Can Survive and Thrive as the Ship of Civilization Collapses.” In the article I introduced readers to another visionary leader, Margaret J. Wheately, who more than anyone I know tells the truth about what we face and guides us towards a better future.

                “This is the Age of Threat,” says Wheatley, “when everything we encounter intensifies fear and anger. In survival mode, we flee from one another, abandon values that held us together, withdraw from ideas and practices that encouraged inclusion and created trust in leaders. And, most harmfully, we stop believing in one another.”

                She recognized that what we are seeing in the U.S. today is following the same pattern of collapse after 250 years of domination that were recognized by other experts.

                But there is a better way. As Jeremy Rifkin says,

                “We must give up our belief that it is our duty to dominate and control nature and reconnect as partners in all life on Earth. We must rethink the waters as a ‘life source’ rather than another ‘resource’ to exploit and learn to adapt to the hydrosphere rather than trying to get the hydrosphere to adapt to us.”

                 We must find our tribe outside the confines of “civilization.” The captains of “Ship of Civilization” would have us believe that even if the Ship is sinking, we might as well go down with the ship because we are all doomed (except the captains who imagine they will survive and thrive as the rest of us go under). That is the big lie of civilization. As my vision showed me, there are millions of alternatives and more and more lifeboats in the water every day, but you won’t learn about them in the corporate-controlled media. You can learn more here.

                Each of us must claim our own path of service. Only by joining with others who have the courage to face the truth and to become “warriors of the human spirit,” as Margaret Wheatly call us, can we work together to create “Islands of sanity.”

                We must act now, or we will be swept away by the currents of change. Wheatley says,

                “My aspiration is for you to see clearly so that you may act wisely. If we don’t know where we are, if we don’t know what to prepare for, then any path we choose will keep us wandering in the wilderness, increasingly desperate, increasingly lost.”

                One positive action you can take now is to learn about a new course that Wheatley will be offering. Claiming Your Path of Service: Choosing to Serve This Age of Collapse and Possibility, developed with the extraordinary platform Advaya.life.”

                You can also follow my own work and offerings at MenAlive.com. I look forward to hearing from you. If you have not yet subscribed to my free weekly newsletter you may do so here.

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                You don’t even have to watch the news to know that things are not going well in our world. The signs of collapse are all around us. There are two ways most people respond: (1) Close your eyes, put your head in the sand, and pretend that all is well, or hope that some magical solution will be invented to fix things quickly and easily (2) Redirect your fear, rage and despair to someone or something you can blame for our problems, or try and escape into one diverting fantasy after another and temporarily calm your nerves.

                There is another choice that is more effective, but not for the faint of heart. It begins when we face the truth about our present situation. I got my own wakeup call more than thirty years ago. Here’s how I described it in my latest book, Long Live Men! The Moonshot Mission to Heal Men, Close the Lifespan Gap, and Offer Hope to Humanity:

                “In 1993 I attended a Men’s Leaders’ Conference in Indianapolis, Indiana. One of the activities offered was a traditional Native-American sweat lodge ceremony where we ask for guidance and support for ourselves and our communities. I had the following life-changing vision.

                We are all on a huge ocean liner. Everything we know and have ever known is on the ship. People are born and die. Goods and services are created, wars are fought, and elections are held and disputed. Species come into being and face extinction. The ship steams on and on, and there is no doubt that it will continue on its present course forever.

                There are many decks on the ship, starting way down in the boiler room where the poorest and grimiest toil to keep the ship going. As you ascend the decks, things get lighter and easier. The people who run the ship have suites on the very top deck. Their job, as they see it, is to keep the ship going and keep those on the lower decks in their proper places. Since they are at the top, they are sure they deserve to acquire more and more of the resources of the earth.

                Everyone on the lower decks aspires to get up to the next deck and hungers to get to the very top. That’s the way it is. That’s the way it has always been. That’s the way it will always be. However, there are a few people who realize that something very strange is happening. What they come to know is that the ship is sinking. At first, like everyone else, they can’t believe it. The ship has been afloat since time before time. It is the best of the best. That it could sink is unthinkable. Nonetheless, they are sure the ship is sinking.

                They try to warn the people, but no one believes them. The ship cannot be sinking, and anyone who thinks so must be mentally ill. When they persist in trying to warn the people of what they are facing, those in charge of the ship silence them and lock them up. The ship’s media keeps grinding out news stories describing how wonderful the future will be. Any problems that are occurring will surely be solved with the wonders of our civilized, technological lifestyle.

                The leaders of the ship smile, wave, and promise prosperity for all. But water is beginning to seep in from below. The higher the water rises, the more frightened the people become and the more frantically they scramble to get to the upper decks. Some believe it is the end and actually welcome the prospect of the destruction of life as we know it. They believe it is the fulfillment of religious prophesy. Others become increasingly irritable, angry, and depressed. Like caged rats they bite their own tails and those of their cage mates who appear to be a threat.

                But as the water rises, those who have been issuing the warnings can no longer be silenced. More people escape confinement and lead others toward the lifeboats. Though there are enough boats for all, many people are reluctant to leave the ship. Many questions are asked. “The old stories tell us that we’ve been on this ship for more than six thousand years, isn’t it safer to stay aboard? Could things really be so bad that we must leave? Where will we go? Who will lead us? What if this is all there is?”

                Nevertheless, the Ship is sinking. Many people go over the side and are lowered down to the boats. As they descend, they are puzzled to see lettering on the side of the ship: T-I-T-A-N-I-C. When they reach the lifeboats, many are frightened and look for someone who looks like they know what to do. They’d like to ride with those people.

                However, they find that each person must get into their own boat and row away from the ship in their own direction. If they don’t get away from the ship as soon as possible, they will be pulled down with it. When everyone who wants to leave, each in their own boats, rowing in their own direction, reaches their own place in the ocean, they begin to create a new, partnership, web. It will be the basis for a new way of life that will replace the life that was lived on the old ship of civilization.“

Here’s What I’ve Learned That Has Helped Me Survive and Thrive

                1. “Civilization” is a misnomer. Its proper name is the “Dominator Model.” 

                In her international best-selling book, The Chalice & The Blad: Our History. Our Future, originally published in 1987, historian Riane Eisler said,

                “Underlying the great surface diversity of human culture are two basic models of society. The first I call the dominator model, what is popularly termed either patriarchy or matriarchy — the ranking of one half of humanity over the other. The second, in which social relations are primarily based on the principle of linking may best be described as the partnership model.”

                You can view my podcast with Riane and her team at the Center for Partnership Systems here.

                2. There is a better world beyond civilization.

                In 1992, I was given the book Ishmael, by Daniel Quinn. I got a clear sense of the two worlds that are competing for our attention: A world where hierarchy and dominance rule (Quinn calls it the world of the Takers) and a world where equality and connection rule (Quinn calls it the world of the Leavers. In his book, Beyond Civilization: Humanity’s Next Great Adventure, Quinn says,

                “Beyond civilization isn’t a geographical space up in the mountains or on some remote isle. It’s a cultural space that opens up among people with new minds.”

                This is not a time to give up. It is time to reach out!

                3. Do not lose heart. We were made for these times.

                Clarissa Pinkola Estes, author of Women Who Run with the Wolves, wrote this inspiring letter to all of us who are concerned about the future. She said in part:

                “My friends, do not lose heart. We were made for these times. I have heard from so many recently who are deeply and properly bewildered. They are concerned about the state of affairs in our world now. Ours is a time of almost daily astonishment and often righteous rage over the latest degradations of what matters most to civilized, visionary people.

                “I grew up on the Great Lakes and recognize a seaworthy vessel when I see one. Regarding awakened souls, there have never been more able vessels in the waters than there are right now across the world. And they are fully provisioned and able to signal one another as never before in the history of humankind.

                “Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.”

                4. Rethink our relationship with planet Earth.

                According to world-renowned author and social scientist, Jeremy Rifkin,

                “We have long believed that we live on a land planet, when in reality we live on a water planet, and now the Earth’s hydrosphere is taking us into a mass extinction as it searches for a new normal.”

                In his important and timely book, Planet Aqua: Rethinking Our Home in the Universe, Rifkin says that we must give up our belief that it is our duty to dominate and control nature and reconnect as partners in all life on Earth. He says,

                “We must rethink the waters as a ‘life source’ rather than another ‘resource’ to exploit and learn to adapt to the hydrosphere rather than trying to get the hydrosphere to adapt to us.”

                5. Find your tribe outside the confines of civilization.

                The rulers of civilization would have us believe that even if the Ship is sinking, we might as well go down with it because there really are no better choices. That is the big lie of civilization. As my vision showed me, there are millions of alternatives and more and more lifeboats in the water every day, but you won’t learn about them in the corporate-controlled media. You can learn more here.

                6. Claim your path of service.

                We must act now, or we will be swept away by the currents of change. In her book, Who Do We Choose to Be? Facing Reality, Claiming Leadership, Restoring Sanity, my longtime colleague and friend, Margaret J. Wheatley says,

                “My aspiration is for you to see clearly so that you may act wisely. If we don’t know where we are, if we don’t know what to prepare for, then any path we choose will keep us wandering in the wilderness, increasingly desperate, increasingly lost.”

                Margaret sent me a recent email:

                “I am grateful to announce a new, self-paced course available starting October 5, 2025, Claiming Your Path of Service: Choosing to Serve This Age of Collapse and Possibility, developed with the extraordinary platform Advaya.life.”

                If you would like to learn more about my own work, I invite you to join me at MenAlive.com

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