Mental Health

                Too many guys have been told that midlife is a crisis, and that everything is downhill from there. That was not my own experience or the thousands of men I have seen in my clinical practice at MenAlive since we launched in 1972. I have written seventeen books to improve the mental, emotional, and relational health of men and their families since my first book, Inside Out: Becoming My Own Man was published in 1983, the year I turned 40.

                In his book Learning to Love Midlife, my colleague Chip Conley, co-founder and CEO of the Modern Elder Academy, says,

                “In my opinion (and that of a growing number of sociologists), in the world with more and more centenarians, midlife may last from 35 to 75. Just as adolescence is a transitional stage between childhood and adulthood, maybe part of the midlife role is to be a transitional stage between adulthood and elderhood.”

                Conley shows us that midlife need not be a crisis, but a chrysalis to the most passionate, powerful, productive, and purposeful time of a man’s life. Yet, we can’t do it alone.

                In a recent article, “Gameday is a Game Changer in the Emerging  Men’s Health Field,” I introduced you to Dr. Evan Miller, who I had the pleasure of interviewing about a highly effective program that had the potential to help millions of midlife men. I asked Dr. Miller how he came to be involved with men’s health issues.

                “Similar to you, my background is on the clinical side,” he told me, “I’m a PhD in clinical psychology so I come at this whole medical health care world from a very psychological angle. After grad school I got right into the addiction treatment industry and started a treatment center.”

                He went on to tell me how he came to realize that it was better to help address men’s needs before they were having serious health problems. After having his testosterone levels checked and finding they were very low, he was able to head off potential problems and later founded Gameday Men’s Health.

                “I wanted to cast a wider net,” Dr. Miller said, “and wanted to get the average mainstream guy feeling better.” Gameday Men’s Health has become a success with centers throughout the country.

Hammer & Nails: From Shark Tank to Mainstreet, Men Are Looking and Feeling Great

                When I met Aaron Meyers, the President and Chief Operating Officer of Hammer & Nails, I found another kindred spirit who cared about the health and wellbeing of men. The vision began with Michael Elliot and his unsuccessful request for funds on the popular T.V. series Shark Tank in September 2014.

                Life for young Michael Elliot was hard. The former ward of the state was only twenty and had been homeless in Philadelphia for almost two years. He had no formal education, no family and no support. Instead of letting the circumstances that led to his difficult life drag him down, the young man used his considerable determination and intelligence to make his life a success.

                Elliot had numerous business ideas that failed, but he never gave up. An uncomfortable experience during a manicure and an idea stemming from it led him to open a nail salon with a difference, it was targeted towards men rather than women. Only months after conceiving the concept, he opened his first Hammer & Nails salon in Los Angeles in November 2013. After six months operating the business he applied to appear on Shark Tank, primarily to interest one of the sharks in helping him to franchise the business nationally, and was accepted.

                Though he couldn’t convince any of the Sharks to invest in his idea of a salon for men, Aaron Meyers understood the vision, believed in the idea, and had the expertise in franchising to make the business a success. I recently had the good fortune to interview Aaron Meyers and learn more details about this innovative and unique program for men.

                “We’ve built a man cave, and it has everything you’d expect and more,” Aaron told me. “You get your own TV and remote, noise-canceling headphones, a complimentary frosty beverage, and every seat is custom crafted with your comfort being priority number one. You are going to feel like a modern-day king. And, oh yeah, you can get a haircut, shave or a manicure & pedicure, to help keep your appearance on point.”

                Aaron told me they focus on successful mid-life men, but they are seeing more and more younger men. Men of all ages are looking for a male experience where guys can relax and get the kinds of pampering we might get at an expensive health spa. Whatever our age and whatever we do for a living, we want to be at our best.  Hammer & Nails is manly care for the man who is ready to embrace total care and wellbeing.

                As of 2025, the number of franchises had grown from 13 to 41. There are now 10 locations in California, 9 in Ohio, 3 in Virginia, 2 in Texas, 2 in North Carolina, 2 in Connecticut, 2 in Florida, 1 in Arizona, and 1 in Pennsylvania. And there are more coming. Feedback from customers have also been positive. Take their West Hollywood location, for example, it currently has a 4.8-star rating out of 365 reviews, with many praising the barber shop for its skill and service. Some have even described their barbers as having “magic hands.” You can check out their locations here.

                I remember my own experiences with grooming. Growing up, I didn’t think much about haircuts. I would get one when my mother complained I looked scruffy and I would always go to the same barber shop close to our house. The owner, Eddy, would usually cut my hair, generally a quick buzz cut. It has only been in recent years that I have come to see the value of a full-service experience.

                I had the good fortune to find Martin who was an old-time European barber in my hometown. He and his wife, Helga, owned a little shop in Willits. Helga took care of the women and Martin helped the men. He took his time and worked to give you the style that would make you look good. But the best part was the head, neck, and shoulder massage that accompanied the cut. It was the best part of the experience. I would often see him instead of getting a massage, he was that good.

                As I’ve gotten older, my feet have become more important. I walk every day to stay healthy and getting my toenails clipped is difficult to do myself. There is a salon in town where women get their fingernails and toenails clipped, but even walking by on the street you can smell the chemicals. A friend said he went to get his toes clipped and I gave it a try. The experience left much to be desired. All the staff wore masks to help them breathe. The patrons got used to the toxic chemicals, but I care too much about my own health to accept a toxic environment.  I’d rather wait for Hammer & Nails to come to my town.

                “Today’s extraordinary man deserves a grooming experience that tends to the whole man,” Aaron told me in our interview. “In a space that’s far from take-a-number haircut farms and pedicure stations that reek of acrylic fumes. It’s time to care about the care that goes into men’s grooming. And it starts at a place where men’s care is all we care about. That, and a good drink.”

                To learn more about Hammer & Nails you can do so there. To watch the in-depth interview I did with Aaron Meyers, you can do so here.

                If you would like to read other articles on men’s health and wellbeing, come visit me at https://menalive.com/.

The post Total Man Care is Here: Helping Men Look and Feel Great Now and Forever appeared first on MenAlive.

                Like most males, I have been concerned with birth control most of my life. When I was a teenager there were admonitions from my parents to “be careful.” Though rarely put into words, I knew what they meant was: “Don’t get a girl pregnant.” I still remember overhearing a high school girl telling her friends that she was pregnant and her feelings of excitement at the prospect of being a mother and her recognition that this would mean the end of many of her dreams for the future.

                As a young guy in college my then girlfriend and wife-to-be and I had sex for the first time when she announced that she was “on the pill” and so sex was now safe. But it was years before we realized that taking the pill had unexpected problems for her. We discussed a vasectomy for me, which scared me. The thought of having anything sharp touching my genitals was enough to make me run the other way.

                After hearing about the procedure, I was still not reassured. I understood that the little tubes carrying the sperm would be cut, but exactly where the sperm would go was confusing. Although they told me the surgery could be reversed in the future, it was clear that it would be expensive, with no guarantees that it would be successful. I went ahead and got a vasectomy, but it seemed there should be a better choice for men. Now there is.

Meet Dr. Darlene Walley, Chief Executive Officer of NEXT Life Sciences

                My own interest in helping men and women has evolved through the years. I graduated from college in 1965 and went to medical school, with the hope of becoming a doctor so I could help others. But medicine at the time was so narrowly focused I knew it wouldn’t help me to solve the problems that I was concerned about. I transferred to U.C. Berkeley and earned a master’s degree in social work. After working as a clinician for many years I went back to school and completed the requirements for a PhD in International Health and later helped develop the emerging field of Gender-Specific Medicine for men.  

                As a leader in this emerging field, I often get announcements of breakthrough technologies. A recent email grabbed my attention: “Male Contraceptive Plan A Completes First North American Clinical Trial with 100% Success.” The announcement went on say,

                “Easily reversible, long-lasting male contraceptive Plan A continues to make its way toward FDA submission as it recently successfully completed its second clinical trial; this time in Canada.”

                I read a press release by the company that told me about Dr. Darlene Walley:

                “NEXT Life Sciences, the maker of the male contraceptive product Plan A and a leader in the development of other modern reproductive healthcare solutions announced today the promotion of Dr. Darlene R. Walley as the Chief Executive Officer of NEXT. Dr. Walley has already had incredible success in securing a clear pathway for Plan A with the FDA and it made sense for her to lead the entire organization to get our portfolio of products to market,”

                said L.R. Fox, Founder and Executive Chairman of NEXT Life Sciences.

                They go on to say,

                “Plan A is one of many products in the pipeline as NEXT continues to revolutionize reproductive health. Dr. Walley is known for her tremendous success as an executive in both big Pharma and biotech startups where she has led companies specializing in drug development, manufacturing, and clinical research, and this rare combination puts her in an incredibly unique position to take all our critical products to the world.”

                I reached out to Dr. Walley and did an interview with her which you can watch here.  I learned that NEXT is revolutionizing modern reproductive healthcare and transforming lives through the development of its lead program, Plan A, designed to provide a non-hormonal, long-lasting, and reversible contraceptive solution for men.

                After talking with Dr. Walley, she validated my long-term experience that the current options for contraception and family planning focus mostly on female fertility, burdening women with a majority of the responsibility for reproductive planning. I also learned that negative side effects and health risks associated with these options have also led almost half of all females in the U.S. to discontinue their use.

                From their website PlanAforMen I learned that :

• 121 million unplanned pregnancies take place every year globally.

• 80% of men in the U.S. feel sole or shared responsibility for pregnancy prevention.

• 17 million men in the U.S. are actively looking for a new contraceptive option that fits their lifestyle and relationship.

                Clearly, there is a great need for a non-hormonal, long-lasting, and reversible contraceptive solution for men. But that is just the beginning.

Meet Dr. Bob Dudley, Chief Development Officer, NEXT Life Sciences

                I was pleasantly surprised to see that Dr. Bob Dudley was a member of the NEXT Life Sciences professional team. I worked with Dr. Dudley when he was Vice President of R&D at Unimed Pharmaceuticals. My fourth book, Male Menopause, was published in 1997 and addressed the reality that men, like women, go through their own hormonally driven change of life. The book soon became an international best-seller. I wrote about the importance of testosterone and was invited to meet with the professional staff at Unimed who had recently developed a new testosterone gel, called Androgel. I worked with their staff for five years helping educate professionals and the public about men’s health issues that had often been neglected.

                Dr. Dudley is the primary Inventor of AndroGel®, one of the most successful men’s health products developed and commercialized worldwide.

                “For over 30 years I have been involved in developing and commercializing products to improve men’s health,” says Dr. Dudley. “Being part of the leadership team at NEXT Life Sciences is a perfect fit for my experience and will enable me to use my talents to help create cutting-edge products that help men and women live better, more satisfying lives.”

                He concludes saying,

                “Working with men’s health issues is a calling for me. I’ve managed to find a career that continues to fascinate and energize me; it makes me feel like I’m making a positive difference for men. If you can manage to find a way to reap such rich internal rewards, you’re blessed!”

                For more information about the male contraceptive PlanA, you can learn more here:

https://www.planaformen.com/

                To learn more about NEXT Life Sciences, you can learn more here:

https://www.nextlifesciences.org

                To watch my interview with Dr. Walley, you can do so here:

                You can read more articles and learn about my own work with men’s health by visiting me here:  https://menalive.com/

The post Revolutionizing Male Birth Control: Dr. Darlene Walley Offers Plan A For Men appeared first on MenAlive.

                In Part 1 of this series, I introduced you to Phil Stutz and described my first encounters with his work and how valuable I have found his practices. I described the three domains that Dr. Stutz believes are part of the universal human experience: The first domain is pain. The second domain is uncertainty. The third domain is constant work. In Part 2, I described Universe 1 and Universe 2 and how we can get in touch with our Life Force.  In Part 3, we will tie Dr. Stutz’s work with depth psychologist James Hillman.

Finding the Code to Our Soul’s Calling

                According to the philosopher Plato,

“When all the souls had chosen their lives, they went before Lachesis. And she sent with each, as the guardian of his life and the fulfiller of his choice, the daimon that he had chosen.”

                In his book, The Soul’s Code: In Search of Character and Calling, psychologist James Hillman offers us guidance to find the calling of our soul.

                When I first heard James Hillman speak, it was at a men’s gathering with Robert Bly and Michael Meade. He described that feeling all have had at certain times of our lives when we first feel there is a larger purpose to our lives, a reason our unique selves are here, and that there are things we must attend to that gives meaning to our lives.  

                Hillman also says that the key to finding our calling is to discover our inner guide that helps us discover and follow our calling. Hillman says that Plato and the Greeks called it our “daimon,” the Romans our “genius,” the Christians our “guardian angel. Today we use terms such as “heart, spirit, or soul.”

                For Hillman it is at the heart of what he calls the “acorn theory,” which proposes that each life is formed by a particular image, an image that is the essence of that life and calls it to a destiny, just as the mighty oak’s destiny is written in the tiny acorn. It is a theory that offers a liberating vision of childhood troubles and traumas.

                I wrote about my own childhood traumas in my book, My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound. The book begins at age five with me being driven by my uncle to the mental hospital:

                I grew up believing that my father was crazy, that I would become crazy too, and that I had inherited his “disease.” It was only years later that I read Hillman’s work and realized that my father wasn’t crazy, that I wasn’t crazy, but I was answering the call of my own daimon in support of my destiny for helping men like my father and their families.  This is a calling I have been following now for seventy-five years.

“The acorn theory leads to practical moves,” says Hillman. “The most practical is to entertain the ideas implied by the myth in viewing your biography — ideas of calling, of soul, of daimon, of fate, of necessity. Then, the myth implies, we must attend very carefully to childhood to catch early glimpses of the daimon in action to grasp its intentions and block its way.”

                That understanding helped me change my views about my own childhood, how I saw my father and myself. It gave me a more positive and powerful guide to my own past and future. Hillman goes on to say,

“The rest of the practical implications swiftly unfold:

  “Recognize the call as a prime fact of human existence.

1. Align life with it.
2. Find the common sense to realize that accidents, including the heartache and natural shocks the flesh is heir to, belong to the pattern of the image, are necessary to it, and help fulfill it.”

Phil Stutz, The Need For Constant Work and The Stringing of Pearls

                Phil Stutz describes the third domain for accessing the Life Force and Universe Two as “The Need for Constant Work.” He sees the universe being in constant motion and in order to fulfill our soul’s calling, we need to constantly create and engage.

“When you are engaged in infinite creation, you are in Universe Two. When you are convinced that work is finite and you’ve done enough, you are back in Universe One.”

                In order to grasp these concepts in my own life, I had to change my view of work. As I said, I grew up in a family where my father struggled to do the work he loved. My fathers brothers and sisters were all doing work which be seen as successful in Universe One. A few were in the insurance business, one owned a store, and all struggled to make a living. No one, but my father, felt that people should do work they loved or that contributed to improving the world. Work was serious business and making money was the measure of success.

                For Phil Stutz, the purpose of work was not to achieve monetary success or even to achieve a goal, but simple to keep moving ahead and doing what our hearts, our daimon, calls on us to do.

“We need a functional definition of success in our culture particularly because it’s so wrapped up with identity,” says Stutz. “You can’t structure your life around an identity where you win and you’re a big shot, or you lose and you’re nothing.”

                He offers a tool to help us understand, appreciate, and practice as “Stringing the Pearls.” I learned that pearls are formed as a defense mechanism within mollusk shells, typically oysters, in response to an irritant. The mollusk coats the irritant with layers of nacre, a substance made of calcium carbonate and proteins, to reduce irritation and eventually create a pearl. 

                Stutz emphasizes that each action, regardless of size, is equally valuable and contributes to the overall progression of one’s life. The “pearls” represent actions, and the string represents the continuous development of one’s life journey. The concept encourages focusing on taking the next step, even small ones, and acknowledges that no action is perfect, but each one contributes to the string. 

                For me, the idea of stringing the pearls put work in a much larger context. Instead of being so focused on money and success and constant worry about losing my job or missing a deadline or some other external measure of success, I could relax and be constantly guided by my inner knowing. I realized that I could stop always trying to find the secret for success or a magic formula for making millions. Instead, I make to recognize the following truths:

• Each Action is Valuable. Whether I’m working on my next book or preparing breakfast for my wife, each action is a pearl on my string and valuable in and of themselves. It matters less whether I receive some external reward, even praise for “a job well done,” and more on just doing the work and adding another pearl to stand.

• Focus on the Next Step. It doesn’t matter how big or small the action is or even if I succeed or fail. All provide lessons in life and are worth doing. There’s always something we can do to offer a gift of some kind to someone else.

• Acknowledge Imperfection. In drawing his pictures of the “pearl,” Phil would always include a little black dot, a “turd,” to remind us not to get hung up with the result. We must accept the uncertainties of life, and continue to act courageously and decisively.

• Progress over Perfection. Every little step helps. Everything has a lesson. Everything is a gift. Life is dance and we need to have fun and enjoy the music.

                To learn more about Phil Stutz and his work, you can visit him here. If you’d like to read more articles by me and learn more about my work, you can visit me here.

The post Phil Stutz, True Magic, & Healing ManKind: Helpful Tools for Today’s World – Part 3: The Life Force, The Soul’s Calling, and The Pearls appeared first on MenAlive.

                In Part 1 I introduced you to two men who have had a powerful influence on my life and career. The philosopher Paul Tillich introduced me to three fundamental questions in life:

1. What’s wrong with men, women, and society?
2. What would we be like if we were healed, whole, actualized?
3. How do we move from brokenness to wholeness?

                The psychiatrist Dr. Phil Stutz introduced me to the three unavoidable realities of life that we must all navigate and integrate, which I described in Part 1.

1. The domain of pain.
2. The domain of uncertainty.
3. The domain of constant work.

                “The three domains, in combination, unlock real magic, not fake power,” says Dr. Stutz. “Once you learn to move through pain, you will gain the ability to expand; once you contend with uncertainty, you will gain the ability to decide and create; and once you embrace constant work, you will gain the ability to be infinite.”

Meet Your Life Force

                “Throughout my career,” says, Dr. Stutz, “I would often find my self confronted with a certain type of patient. Usually, it would be a middle-aged guy. He’d say something like ‘I can’t control my temper, my wife says I’m an addict, I gamble too much, I’m miserable, etc. And then he would say, ‘If only I knew why I was here, If I only knew my mission, I’d be motivated and able to do the things I know I should do. But I feel hopeless, because I don’t know how to find out what my mission is.’”

                Instead of making a psychiatric diagnosis based on his symptoms, which Dr. Stutz (and I agree with him wholeheartedly) has limited utility, he would,

                “Explain to him that I can’t tell him his mission, and that the source of knowledge about his life purpose isn’t in his head. Your Life Force is the part that’s going to point you toward your mission in life and why you’re here. It’s not something you think; you have to feel it.”

                Most of us have a sense of our life force but at times of crisis we often tune out, become overwhelmed, you lose connection.

                “The Life Force,” says Dr. Stutz, “is a profound and mysterious power responsible for intuition, identify, and recovery. By connecting with it, you’ll develop stronger instincts, though faith will be key to this transition.”

                I found that when I’m feeling strong in body, mind, and spirit and do the practices I’ve learned over the years, I feel connected to my Life Force. But when I get off track, which we all do, I need to reconnect. As usual Dr. Stutz has a handy tool for this.

                It is a three-part pyramid, starting at the base.

                “You’re going to start by getting off your ass, turning the TV off, and walking around the block,” says Dr. Stutz.

1. Get in touch with your body. Get moving. Exercise, walk, swim. Whatever makes you feel alive.
2. Connect with others. When we’re feeling down and depressed, we hunger for someone else to magically fix us. Reaching out and doing something for others is a good start to get in touch with our Life Force. Find little ways to connect. Smile, talk to a stranger. Do something nice for your wife or kids.
3. Be good to yourself. We often treat others better than we treat ourselves. Find ways to be good to yourself. Be kind. Watch the “self-talk” that is often negative. Take a warm bath, get a massage, whatever goodness you can give yourself is a blessing.

                I believe the Life Force is most present in our connections with our bodies, other people, and ourselves. I have often think of it as a “golden thread” that connects me with life all that is.

                There’s a poem by Parker J. Palmer that begins with a line from William Stafford, a mentor of Robert Bly, that helps ground me when I feel lost. It is called, Everything Falls Away.

EVERYTHING FALLS AWAY

There’s a thread you follow.  It goes among
things that change.  But it doesn’t change.

William Stafford

Sooner or later, everything falls away.
You, the work you’ve done, your successes,
large and small, your failures, too. Those
moments when you were light, alongside
the times you became one with the night.
The friends, the people you loved
who loved you, those who might have wished
you ill, none of this is forever. All of it is
soon to go, or going, or long gone.

Everything falls away, except the thread
you’ve followed, unknowing, all along.
The thread that strings together all you’ve
been and done, the thread you didn’t know
you were tracking until, toward the end,
you see that the thread is what stays
as everything else falls away.

Follow that thread as far as you can and
you’ll find that it does not end, but weaves
into the unimaginable vastness of life. Your
life never was the solo turn it seemed to be.
It was always part of the great weave of
nature and humanity, an immensity we
come to know only as we follow our own
small threads to the place where they
merge with the boundless whole.

Each of our threads runs its course, then
joins in life together. This magnificent tapestry –
this masterpiece in which we live forever.

Parker J. Palmer

                I also like the simple poem The Way It Is by William Stafford, which inspired Everything Falls Away.

THE WAY IT IS

There’s a thread you follow. It goes among
things that change. But it doesn’t change.
People wonder about what you are pursuing.
You have to explain about the thread.
But it is hard for others to see.
While you hold it you can’t get lost.
Tragedies happen; people get hurt
or die; and you suffer and get old.
Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding.
You don’t ever let go of the thread.

Understanding the Structure of Reality: Universe One and Universe Two

                “There are two points of view, or conceptual frameworks, for understanding the universe or what reality really is,” says Dr. Stutz. “The value in Universe One is defined by mathematics. Anything dominated by mathematics, whether it’s a culture or religion, eventually becomes completely money driven.”

                “Universe Two is a very different playing field,” says Dr. Stutz. “In Universe Two, money means nothing. Outcomes mean nothing. The only thing that matters in Universe Two is the present moment: This moment. The value of Universe Two is creating. The most valuable thing you can do is create something out of nothing.”

                In Universe One, we see ourselves as “lone rangers,” separate entities, disconnected from the community of life, feeling we need to dominate and control nature, other humans, ultimately ourselves. It is a lonely, frightening world.

                In Universe Two, we are deeply connected to everything — other people, the animals and plants, even the rocks, the wind, and the rain. We are never alone, we are part of something beautiful, infinite, and mysterious.

                Tony Kushner, who wrote the Pulitzer Prize winning play, Angels in America, said,

                “The smallest indivisible human unit is two people, not one; one is a fiction. From such nets of souls societies, the social world, human life springs. And also plays.”

                Kushner recognizes that in many ways reality that dominates so much of our lives in modern times, Universe One, is a fiction. The main reasons humans are so self-destructive and miserable these days is that we have lost connection with Universe Two.

                “Working you ass off, making lots of money, and retiring isn’t as good as the fantasy of Universe One,” says Dr. Stutz. “If you want to know who you really are, ask yourself what you would spend your time on even if you knew it would never make you any money.”

                Dr. Stutz goes on to say,

                “If you’re willing to give up part of your income for something else, whatever it is, then you’ve discovered your higher power. For example, I lose money when I work on developing these books, because, I can’t see as many patients.”

                [Dr. Stutz charges $700 per hour for private therapy sessions. He has a well-known therapy practice in Los Angeles and is known for his celebrity clientele. His approach to therapy is often described as direct and results-oriented.]

                In Part 3 of this series, I will describe more about the results-oriented tools that Dr. Stutz shares with his clients. If you haven’t already subscribed to my free weekly newsletter, you may do so here.

The post Phil Stutz, True Magic, & Healing ManKind: Helpful Tools for Today’s World – Part 2: Universe 1 and Universe 2 appeared first on MenAlive.

                In April 1964 I met a man who changed my life forever. I was twenty years old, in my senior year at U.C. Santa Barbara, when I took a class from the world-renowned philosopher Paul Tillich. Tillich defined religion not as a set of beliefs or practices, but as the human experience of being “ultimately concerned.” This concern is what defines a religious person. His idea of God was not a being, but the ground of being. For Tillich, the ground of being could mean the Big Bang, the Universe itself, or a universal God. 

                He rejected the traditional theistic notion of God as a being that moves around the Universe doing great things and worrying about, interfering with, and scolding human beings. Rather, Tillich conceived of God as a symbolic object of the universal human concern for ultimate questions of meaning and purpose. God is thus outside our Universe and is a symbol for the answers to our deepest questions, but the answers always elude our grasp.

                Tillich said,

                “Every serious thinker must ask and answer three fundamental questions. First, what is wrong with us? With men? Women? Society? What is the nature of our alienation? Our dis-ease?

                Second, what would we be like if we were whole? Healed? Actualized? If our potentiality was fulfilled?

                Third, how do we move from our condition of brokenness to wholeness? What are the means of our healing?”

                I have spent the last sixty-plus years of my life delving deeply into these three fundamental questions and know it is a life-long journey and particularly relevant to the times in which we are living now, which have resonances with Tillich’s times.

                Tillich had been among the first group of professors and the first non-Jewish professor to be dismissed by Hitler for opposing Nazism. The Nazis suppressed his book The Socialist Decision (1933) and consigned it to the flames in Nazi book burnings. In late 1933, he fled Germany with his family to the United States, where he became established as a public intellectual, holding positions as professor of philosophy, at numerous universities.

Meeting Dr. Phil Stutz

                I never thought I would meet another intellectual with the practical wisdom of Paul Tillich, but that changed when I learned about Phil Stutz. I’ve been a psychotherapist specializing in men’s mental, emotional, and relational health for more than sixty years. But until November 13, 2022 I had never heard of Dr. Stutz. That was the day I received an email from my colleague, Brian Johnson, creator of Optimize and the Founder + CEO of Heroic. Brian shared information about a new documentary film called Stutz by well-known actor Jonah Hill (Moneyball and The Wolf of Wallstreet.) Brian said,

“I love Phil Stutz. He’s my coach, my Yoda, and my spiritual godfather.”

                I learned that Phil Stutz is a psychiatrist who felt psychiatry as practiced was mostly limited to treating symptoms, not the underlying causes of our problems. He has become a healer/coach working with some of Hollywood’s most elite actors and executives over a 40+ year career. He’s also the bestselling author of, The Tools, Coming Alive, and most recently True and False Magic: A Tools Workbook. I watched the Netflix documentary and bought the books.

                “Why are you here?” 

                That’s the first question psychotherapist Phil Stutz asks every single one of his patients, including Jonah Hill, whose documentary focuses on the therapist he says changed his life. Unlike many therapists whose primary approach is to sit back and listen, Stutz prefers to take a more active role in the process: He says his goal is to find out what his patients truly want and give them tangible steps to get there.

                Watching the film for the first time introduced me to a man who is clearly a master at helping people, but he is also a man who is all too human and isn’t afraid to share his vulnerabilities, including his challenges with Parkinson’s disease, which he developed in 2006.

                I felt an immediate resonance with his life and his work. We were both born in New York City, me in 1943, Phil Stutz, 1948. We both had challenging childhoods which contributed to our professional work as healers and writers. In the introduction to his book True and False Magic he says,

                “I’m not special. I never thought I’d be a public figure or bestselling author. In fact, for the first stretch of my life, I didn’t even think I was intelligent. I had the perfect parents to perpetuate an ignorance about who I was, because they didn’t know either. But oddly, their dismissiveness kept me on track. Left to my own devices, I would have become a writer. My parents wanted me to be a doctor, and I didn’t want to be persona non grata in my family, so I obliged.”

                I could have written these lines myself. Like Phil, I worked hard in college, got good grades, and was accepted into two excellent medical schools, one in New York, the other in San Francisco. I chose U.C. San Francisco, partially because they offered a four-year, full tuition fellowship. But mainly because I imagined that if I completed medical school and became a psychiatrist, I could understand why my mid-life father took an overdose of sleeping pills when I was five years old.

                As I wrote in my book, My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound, my father didn’t die. Instead, he was committed to the state mental hospital in Camarillo, north of our home in Los Angeles. I grew up wondering what happened to my father, when it would happen to me, and what I could do to keep it from happening to other families.

                Phil’s father wanted him to become a pediatrician, because he had lost a child — Phil’s younger brother who died of a rare kidney cancer when Phil was nine and his brother was three. Phil defied his father’s wishes and went into psychiatry. I defied my father’s wishes when I left medical school and went into social work. Most everyone thought I was crazy to give back four years of scholarship money and leave medical school, but I felt called to follow a different path.

                “I loved working with people,” said Phil, “but right from the beginning I knew something was missing. I quickly discovered that the go-to position in treating psychiatric patients was a combination of psychotherapy model, which I didn’t believe in at all, and medication, which sometimes worked well and other times made things worse.”

                I could have written these same words, as well. When I left medical school and went into social work, I developed my own way of helping people. Since learning about Phil Stutz I often imagine what it might have been like if we had attended university together and been working on the three questions that Paul Tillich called upon us to explore:

1. What’s wrong with men, women, and society?
2. What would we be like if we were healed, whole, actualized?
3. How do we move from brokenness to wholeness?

Phil Stutz: God Reveals Himself in Three Domains

                One of the things I’ve most valued about Dr. Stutz and his work is that he offers practical ways to tap into the power of what he calls “The Life Force” and the “God-spirit” and combines them with practical guidance for healing. We all have our own conception of God and the way that God-spirit reveals itself. I very much resonate with the way Dr. Stutz describes it:

• God reveals himself in three domains. Each domain contains some aspect of God, and each domain has its own demand.

• You can’t access the powers that God wants everyone to have, and you cannot really experience reality, until you contend with the three domains. Dr. Stutz call them “The Three Big Unavoidable Realities of Life.”

• The first domain is pain. Pain is any event in which you meet the universe, and it hurts. The universe is not designed for your comfort. It is designed to support you by pushing you forward. “Forget about avoiding pain,” says Dr. Stutz. “It’s impossible and it is the first gift of God.”

• The second domain is uncertainty. The universe is in constant flux, constant motion. Everything is changing every second. Our desire to be certain about important things in our lives is a trap. It’s not a bad thing that we’re not privy to the rules of the universe. As the wisdom of 12-step recovery programs says, “Let go, and let God.”

• The third domain is constant work. Most of us work for money and many would retire if we won millions in the lottery. Most of us want to know ourselves and hope that someday we will reach our goal. Yet, “We live in a universe that is always moving,” says Dr. Stutz. “Everything is constantly changing and shifting. Constant work is our gift from God and all life on planet Earth.

“The three domains, in combination, unlock real magic, not fake power,” says Dr. Stutz. “Once you learn to move through pain, you will gain the ability to expand; once you develop faith, freely chosen, to contend with uncertainty, you will gain the ability to decide and create; and once you embrace constant work, you will gain the ability to be infinite. The height of the function of God. That’s the definition of creativity. That’s real magic.”

                In future articles I will share other things I’ve learned from my own work over the last sixty-plus years and from what I’ve learned from Dr. Stutz and his work. If you appreciate articles like these I invite you to visit my website and subscribe to my free weekly newsletter.

The post Phil Stutz, True Magic, & Healing ManKind: Helpful Tools for Today’s World – Part 1: The Three Domains appeared first on MenAlive.

The REAL Vitacco family (Summer 1985):
Frank (rear), Nicky, Vinnie, and Frankie

                Being a father has transformed my life since the moment I held my newborn son, Jemal, shortly after his birth on November 21, 1969. Amid tears of joy and relief that both my wife and baby came through the birth process alive and well, I made a vow that I would be a different kind of father than my father was able to be for me and to do everything I could to create a world where men were fully engaged with their families throughout their lives.

                I wrote about the healing journey of my father and me in my book, My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound. At the start of the book, I offered the following quotes that captured the essence of the father wound for me:

                “A father may be physically present but absent in spirit. His absence may be literal through death, divorce or dysfunction, but more often it is a symbolic absence through silence and the inability to transmit what he also may not have acquired.”  James Hollis

                “Kids have a hole in their soul in the shape of their dad. And if a father is unwilling or unable to fill that role, it can leave a wound that is not easily healed.”  Roland Warren.

                In the introduction I said this:

                “There is one problem that surpasses all others in its impact on men, women, and society. It is the family father wound. We focus on the importance of mothers in determining the well-being of children, yet, without the support of their fathers, men become puppets on a string, disconnected from their true selves, feeling that others are controlling their lives. The family father wound may be the most pervasive, most important, and least-recognized problem facing men and their families today.”

                In addition to the memoir about how I healed and passed a more healthy legacy to my children, I created a workbook and course for men and women who have experienced the father wound.

Guys Night: A New Film For Everyone Who Cares About the Future of Our Children

                It is not surprising that I have a passionate interest in men’s mental, emotional, and relational health or that I would respond positively to the following email I received recently:

Hi Dr. Diamond,

I’m a filmmaker currently raising funds for *Guys Night*, a powerful narrative film inspired by my own childhood — growing up with a single dad in 1980s Chicago. The film explores emotional resilience, masculinity, and fatherhood post-divorce.

Your work has deeply inspired our approach. I’d love to explore ways we might collaborate — whether through a MenAlive newsletter feature, a guest blog post about the film’s message, or a podcast conversation about how storytelling can help men heal.

Thanks for the incredible work you do.

Warmly, 

Niko Vitacco

                I was excited to meet with Niko and the director of the film, Dave Eichhorn. I learned about the project and wanted to support it:

                Anthony Vitello, a husband and father, is doing everything he can to provide stability for his family. His wife Helen, a young mother, loves their boys, but is torn between wanting a family life and a life of her own. When she leaves, Anthony finds himself raising their three boys and continuously struggling to keep his family together. Tony, Dominic, and Vinny are a close-knit, rambunctious bunch of pre-adolescent knuckleheads, but they mean everything to their father.

                In a world where fathers are too often absent, I was deeply moved by the story of a father who stayed and raised his kids. I was even more inspired by Niko’s commitment to create a film that gives us a glimpse into a world that is all too familiar. I recently did an interview with Niko Vitacco and Eave Eichhorn. You can see Niko and his two brothers along with his father in the picture at the beginning of the article. You can watch my full interview here.

                Niko says,

“Our goal is to shed light on the reality of divorce within families. As a kid who grew up only knowing divorce and seeing the struggles it’s brought over the years to my parents and siblings, I’ve also been witness to the beauty and enlightenment on how to cope with it, grow, and be a better person. We feel that presenting this subject matter to cinema in a nostalgic and relatable way can be therapeutic. There’s so much value in bringing and keeping families together, amidst difficult circumstances.”

                I love writing books and have written seventeen over the last forty-plus years. But I love to watch films that speak to the heart and soul of healing. A book is only as powerful as the stories and feelings it brings out in people. A picture, it is said, is worth a thousand words.

                If, like me, you would like to see Niko’s story and his powerful film get completed and available to the world, here’s what you can do. Go to their webpage and learn how you can help. If you are an individual or organization that works with men, this is your chance to help make a positive difference for men and their families.

                “We’re a SAG low budget indie feature – currently in late stages of development,” says Niko. “We’re looking for generous donors to help us tell our story. All donations are 100% tax deductible!  If you’re interested in more – send me an email at nikovitacco@gmail.com. We can set up a call to discuss the project further.”

                If you want to help support the film, go to: https://givebutter.com/guysnight

                If you’d like to read more articles that I feel are important to share about men’s work, please visit me at https://menalive.com/.

The post A Courageous Father’s Story of Love and Life appeared first on MenAlive.

                If you’re a single man who wants a loving, lasting relationship — but you’re tired of dating, unsure where to look, or quietly wondering if it’s even possible anymore — you’re not alone.

                I’ve spent more than 50 years working with men and their families, and I’ve heard countless versions of the same quiet truth: “I want real love… but something’s not working.”

                It’s not that these men don’t have something to offer. Quite the opposite. Many are kind, thoughtful, wise, emotionally aware. They’ve lived full lives. They’ve taken risks. Some have been married before. Some have stayed single. Most have done a fair amount of inner work.

                So, what’s the challenge?

The Unspoken Reality of Conscious Men and Modern Dating

                Men were raised with a very different set of messages about love, masculinity, and vulnerability. For years, we were taught to be self-sufficient, rational, and in control. We were rarely taught how to communicate emotional truth — or how to hold space for another’s.

                And now we’re navigating a dating culture that often feels transactional or shallow. Add to that the pressure of putting yourself out there — after all the life that’s already been lived — and it’s no wonder so many men feel discouraged or hesitant.

                But here’s the thing:

                Wanting love is not a weakness.

                Wanting to be seen, understood, respected, and cherished is not “needy.” It’s human. And there are women out there who want the exact same thing.

                Men get mixed messages from women. It seems that women want vulnerability but often don’t know how to hold space for men’s feelings. And at the same time, men want to provide, but women don’t always know how to communicate what they want. (They were not trained to ask or share how a man can provide for them.)

                In my book, The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationship and Why the Best is Still to Come, I shared some of my own relationship history prior to meeting my wife, Carlin.

“Like everyone else on the face of the planet, I’ve wanted real, lasting love. And like everyone on the face of the planet I have not found these words — Real, Lasting, Love — easy to attain.”

                Like many I grew up with a belief about love and marriage that was simple:

                Step 1: Find that special someone, your soulmate, and fall in love.

                Step 2: And they lived happily ever after.

                But real life is not like the movies, as people know who visit my website, MenAlive.com and watch my welcome video: Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor. What’s worse, the on-line dating world, where more and more people go to find a partner, perpetuates the problem.

                In a very powerful discussion with entrepreneur, investor, and podcaster, Steven Bartlett, behavioral scientist Logan Ury, and professor Scott Galloway, they point out that online dating makes connecting nearly impossible for men.

“If the dating ap is a club,” says Ury, “you have bouncers that keep most men out. Many women in the U.S. fix their height filters at six feet, but only 14% of men are six feet tall or higher. What happens to the other 86%? Women complain: ‘Where’s my special guy?’ But they aren’t even showing up on as a possible choice.”

What I Recommend to Men Seeking Conscious, Romantic Love

                If you’re ready for a meaningful relationship — not just someone to pass the time with, but a partner to grow with — here’s what I often suggest to the men I work with:

                1. Be willing to heal what’s still tender.
                No matter how much work we’ve done, relationships stir the parts of us that are still vulnerable — old wounds, disappointments, or beliefs we picked up long ago. If you’ve experienced heartbreak, betrayal, or prolonged isolation, it’s important to meet those experiences with compassion, not judgment. Healing isn’t about perfection — it’s about showing up whole and honest.

                2. Clarify what matters most to you now.
                We change. What we wanted in our 20s or 30s might not serve us now. Take time to reflect on what kind of partnership truly supports the life you want to live. Shared values, emotional safety, physical affection, spiritual connection — get clear on your priorities.

                3. Don’t try to do it all alone.
                Too many men think they need to figure it out on their own. I can’t tell you how many breakthroughs have come when a man simply has a space to be honest — with himself and others. Whether it’s a therapist, men’s group, or retreat setting, find places where you can explore who you are now, without pressure to perform.

                4. Practice being open, even when it feels awkward.
                Real love requires risk — not recklessness, but emotional risk. That might mean expressing interest, sharing your truth, or saying “I’m not sure, but I’m willing to find out.” The more authentic you are, the more likely you are to attract someone who’s aligned with you, not a performance version of you.

                5. Keep your heart open to surprise.
                Love doesn’t always show up the way we expect it to. Stay open to the possibility that your partner may look different than your checklist — or arrive through unexpected channels. Stay curious and resist the temptation to contract into certainty or resignation.

                If you are looking for a long-term, healthy, romantic relationship, I would encourage you to look at a Retreat that offers something real.

                That’s why I’m sharing with you an opportunity: the Conscious Singles Retreat, happening June 20–22, 2025, near Ashland, Oregon.

                This isn’t a quick fix or matchmaking event. It’s a powerful experience created by two people I know and trust — Joy Taylor, LMT and Gavin Frye, MFT — who met two years ago through SpiritualSingles.com, fell in love, married, and are now sharing their journey to support others in finding conscious partnership.

                Joy and Gavin bring decades of experience in psychotherapy, embodiment, coaching, and spiritual practice. Together, they hold a deeply respectful space where people can:

• Step away from the noise and reconnect with themselves.
• Engage in meaningful conversations about intimacy, self-trust, and love.
• Experience somatic and mindfulness practices to reduce anxiety and open the heart.
• Spend time in nature with others who are also seeking a true, mutual relationship
• Meet some amazing kindred spirits.

                The setting is beautiful. The group is intentionally small and intimate. The process is deeply human.

                They already have 15 women signed up — and just 2 men. And while this isn’t unusual (women often respond first to this kind of offering), it presents a real opportunity for men who are ready.

Why This Matters

                I believe that when men heal, relationships heal. When relationships heal, families heal. And when families heal, the world begins to shift.

                There’s no shame in wanting connection. There’s no shame in wanting to love and be loved.

                Sometimes we just need the right space to remember what’s possible — and the right people to walk with us.

                And you never know, you may meet someone at the retreat. From what I’ve heard, it happened last year – Cupid’s arrow struck.

                I feel blessed to have gone on my own retreat many years ago and met my wife, Carlin. She and I have been together now for forty-five years. I hope you take the opportunity to check out this wonderful opportunity to experience a retreat that can change your life for good. Check it out here. You will be glad you did.

                If you’d like to hear more about me and my work, feel free to visit me at MenAlive.com.

The post Why So Many Good Men Struggle with Dating — and What Can Actually Help appeared first on MenAlive.

                I have been interested in men’s health most of my life. The event that triggered my life-long interest occurred when I was five years old. My mid-life father had become increasingly depressed when he couldn’t make a living to support his family and was hospitalized. I grew up wondering what happened to my father, when it would happen to me, and what I could do to keep it from happening to other families. I knew I wanted to be a healer when I grew up.

                I graduated from college and was accepted at U.C. San Francisco Medical School in 1965. I hoped to become a psychiatrist, but later transferred to U.C. Berkeley when I found that medical school was too limited and didn’t focus on the whole person. I graduated from U.C. Berkeley’s School of Social Work in 1968, and my first job was in a residential treatment program for people, mostly men, who had substance abuse problems.

                When our first son, Jemal, was born in 1969, I made a promise that I would be a different kind of father than my father was able to be for me and to do everything I could to help create a world where men were fully engaged and involved with their families throughout their lives. In 1972, I launched MenAlive, one of the first programs in the country to focus specifically on Men’s Health.

                Although there have been numerous men’s health programs that have sprung up over the years, most of them didn’t last long. I believe there has been a myth that the entire healthcare system is really geared towards the needs of males and we don’t need programs specifically for men. Yet, we know that studies continue to show that men, as a group, die at a younger age than do women and men suffer from most chronic diseases at higher rates than women.

                My colleague Will Courtenay, PhD, author of Dying to Be Men, says,

“Men in the United States have greater socioeconomic advantages than women. These advantages, which include higher social status and higher-paid jobs, provide men with better access to health-related resources. Despite these advantages, men — on average — are at greater risk of serious chronic disease, injury, and death than women.”

                Not only did I see the problem in my own family, but in the families of thousands of clients who came to MenAlive since we began in 1972. I have written seventeen books on various aspects of men’s health. My most popular and widely read book, Male Menopause, was first published in 1997 and became an international best-seller, translated into fifteen foreign languages. The research findings reported in the book concluded:

“Men, like women, experience complex hormonal rhythms that affect their sexuality, mood, and temperament.”

Gameday Men’s Health: Made For Every Man’s Health Journey

                When I first learned about Gameday Men’s Health I was very impressed. They were offering the kind of service that I’ve rarely seen in any healthcare setting.

                When I visited the Gameday website, I got a feel for the program:

“The level of comfort we provide you can be summed up in one word: Unparalleled. To be your best, you have to feel your best. That’s why when you walk into Gameday, we start you off on the right foot. Sit in an overstuffed chair while you watch sports on flat screens or read a recent copy of Men’s Health Magazine, enjoy complimentary refreshments and snacks, and best of all – experience fast appointment times. Come hang out in comfort that you will be hard-pressed to find anywhere else.”

                I was even more impressed after I interviewed the founder of Gameday Men’s Health, Evan Miller, PhD.

                I asked Dr. Miller how he came to be involved with men’s health issues.

“Similar to you, my background is on the clinical side,” he told me, “I’m a PhD in clinical psychology so I come at this whole medical health care world from a very psychological angle. After grad school I got right into the addiction treatment industry and started a treatment center.”

                I immediately felt Dr. Miller was a kindred spirit.

“I really fell in love with the work, with treating men especially, helping take them from feeling broken to becoming fully healed. I loved seeing the light come back in their eyes as healing occurred. But its 24/7 work and I kind of got burnt out.”

                As someone who worked in the addictions field for many years, I knew exactly what he was talking about.

“I wanted to do something else,” Dr. Miller continued. “I wanted to cast a wider net. I wanted to get the average mainstream guy feeling better.”

                I was smiling and nodding with shared recognition.

“Now, here’s where the personal side came in,” he went on. “I was thirty-four, thirty-five, but I didn’t feel like myself. I’d been an athlete my whole life, taken care of myself. I knew how to eat well, sleep well, exercise. But I just wasn’t there. Just by happenstance, I got my lab-work done and asked to have my testosterone levels checked.”

                Here’s where Dr. Miller’s story gets really interesting for him and for millions of men like him.

“They first told me, I didn’t need my testosterone levels checked. ‘You’re young, wait until your sixty-five, then we’ll test you.’” 

                Fortunately, Dr. Miller insisted on knowing what his testosterone levels were. The tests revealed that his testosterone was very low, which helped account for the negative way he was feeling.

                From there the idea of Gameday Men’s Health was born. How about I create a program for men that begins with hormone health number one. Let’s put it into a setting that is comfortable, he thought.

“That was it, and off we went.”

                Now I was really intrigued and wanted to know more details.

“We’re still a young company,” Dr. Miller began, “We started Gameday in 2018. It was one clinic in Carlsbad, California, near San Diego. I wanted to create a model that didn’t look like a doctor’s office, that felt like a sports lounge, or a cool kind of men’s health hangout.”

                But Dr. Miller wanted more than to change the ambience of the setting. He wanted to change how care was given.

“I wanted it to be fast and effective,”

Dr. Miller told me.

“So, I put a licensed lab right in the clinic so guys could get what they needed quickly and effectively:

                Step 1: Enter a welcoming clinic space, complete a quick intake form, have a simple blood test and receive results in just 15 minutes.

                Step 2: Meet an expert clinic director who specializes in all things – testosterone hormone optimization, sexual health and erectile dysfunction, weight loss, peptide therapy and vitamin therapy. Discuss your concerns with them and receive a tailored evaluation to understand your needs.

                Step 3: If eligible, begin your personalized treatment plan right away, crafted specifically for your goals.”

                Then things really took off. Men were coming from all around and Dr. Miller opened other clinics in the San Diego area. He knew there was a huge need for what he had created.

“We decided to franchise Gameday in 2022 and by 2023 we became the fastest growing franchise of all time. We have 335 locations open now and 1,000 locations in development.”

                “The demand is huge,” Dr. Miller concluded. “Men want real health care. Guys are waking up and saying I want to feel better now. I don’t want to wait in line for care that is limited and doesn’t address my needs.”

                This is the kind of health care I believe the world needs. You can learn more about Gameday Men’s Health by going to their website. https://gamedaymenshealth.com/

                You can learn more about Dr. Evan Miller here.  You can view the full interview with Evan Miller, PhD, here.

                I told Dr. Miller, I would like to interview him again and hear about how Gameday Men’s Health is progressing. If you would like to read more articles about men’s health issues, I invite you to subscribe to our free weekly newsletter.

The post Gameday is a Game Changer in the Emerging  Men’s Health Field appeared first on MenAlive.

                Frederick Marx is an Academy and Emmy nominated filmmaker and author. He most well-known for his film Hoop Dreams. In a recent article by Shahnaz Mahmud published by the Sundance Institute Mahmud says,

“Once in a while a rare film comes along that demonstrates cinematic storytelling at its absolute finest, shaking us to our core and encouraging us to think differently about the world we live in.”

                He goes on to say,

“Hoop Dreams accomplished that — and so much more. The sports documentary, which chronicles the lives of two inner city youths in Chicago as they pursue dreams of playing professional basketball — and escaping their dangerous environment — is still perceived as seminal work.”

                Hoop Dreams left Marx wondering who exactly is doing what’s necessary to mentor adolescent boys across the threshold into maturity.  He made the TV mini-series Boys to Men? to find out, wanting to hear directly from teen boys themselves how they approach the challenges of adult masculinity.

                Marx has created many more films, books, and articles through his company Warrior Films.

                In his book, Rites to a Good Life, Marx says,

“I think the greatest crime of the last two centuries has been the countless millions of children who have been brought into the world but never taught to discover their unique purpose in life.”

                He goes on to quote Michael Meade who reminds us of what’s at stake:

“When a culture doesn’t provide formal Rites of Passage or initiations, people find their own. Or they don’t find them and never really find the traction of their life. And when a society or culture doesn’t attempt to create circumstances in which that can be worked on creatively, then you get usually destructive versions of them.”

                We recognize the effect of these missing Rites of Passage in the behavior of many of our boys as well as many adult males at all levels of society — from our bedrooms and boardrooms to our federal government. 

“All these men have something in common,” say psychologist Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette. “They are all boys pretending to be men. Their kind of ‘manhood’ is a pretense to manhood.”

                The historian, Ruth Ben-Ghiat, describes political leaders throughout the world who are “boys pretending to be men.” In her book, Strongmen: Mussolini to the Present, she says,

“For ours is the age of authoritarian rulers: self-proclaimed saviors of the nation who evade accountability while robing their people of truth, treasure, and the protections of democracy. They use masculinity as a symbol of strength and a political weapon. Taking what you want, and getting away with it, becomes proof of male authority. They use propaganda, corruption, and violence to stay in power.”

Dr. Mark Schillinger and The Young Men’s Ultimate Weekend (YMUW)

                All young people, males and females, need Rites of Passage. However, when they are missing for our boys and young men, the results are disastrous for everyone. There is an African proverb:

“The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth.”

                We are all aware of the violent behavior of uninitiated boys and men.

                The Young Men’s Ultimate Weekend was founded by Dr. Mark Schillinger, DC. Mark was inspired by Brad Leslie who started a weekend mentoring program for young men in Vancouver, Canada in 1990. Mark took his son to this program and when he returned he knew he needed help raising his son as a single parent.

                He put out a call for help in the Bay Area and with the commitment and cooperation of dozens of caring mothers, fathers, and mentors the Young Men’s Ultimate Weekend was born. I had the opportunity to interview Mark for one of my recent podcasts. We had a lively discussion which you can watch here.

                In 2012 YMUW was one of 25 organizations selected to participate in the first International Rite of Passage Council, founded by Frederick Marx. YMUW has now produced more than 50 initiation events, graduating more than 3500 young men. I asked Mark to tell us a bit more about the weekend.

“The purpose of the weekend is to provide young men with a weekend filled with incredible fun and challenges, while building a foundation for a confident and successful adulthood, through learning the importance of teamwork, developing a sense of accomplishment and acquiring leadership skills.”

                I recently received an email from Mark about an upcoming weekend.

“We’re excited to announce that registration is now open for the 2025, Young Men’s Ultimate Weekend. a modern, wilderness-based rite of passage adventure camp for young men ages 13  to 20.”

                This life-changing weekend, featured on CNN’s, “This Is Life with Lisa Ling,” gives our sons the opportunity to:

• Step away from digital distractions.
• Be mentored by experienced, trained, men of our community.
• Face meaningful challenges designed to build his character and confidence.
• Discover who he truly is and how he wants to show up in the world.
• Channel his energy constructively.

                The next weekend will take place on June 19-22, 2025. You can get more information on this weekend as well as other events for young men and their families by visiting the Young Men’s Ultimate Weekend Website: https://www.ymuw.org/.

                You can also get more information about this event and other supportive programs for young men and their families by contacting Mark directly:

Phone: (415) 479–4100
Email: help@ymuw.org

Our Office:
119 A Paul Dr., San Rafael, CA 94903
(Note this is not the location of the weekend).

                You can also learn more about Frederick Marx and his work by visiting his website: https://warriorfilms.org/.

                If you would like to read more articles like these, please feel free to subscribe to our free weekly newsletter here: https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/

The post Rites of Passage: The Hope for the Future of Boys, Men, and Humanity appeared first on MenAlive.

                Alanna Kaivalya, PhD is on a mission to awaken the feminine soul and improve the love lives of women and men throughout the world. She is a bestselling author, educator, thought leader, and expert on women’s empowerment. In her new book, The Way of the Satisfied Woman: Reclaiming Feminine Power.

                She begins her book with two provocative questions for women.

“What if there was a way to become a fully Satisfied Woman: one who measured meaning on her own terms, recovered her feminine power, dropped masculine expectations for herself, and ascended to her own queenly throne? What if you could have your needs, desires, and cravings fulfilled in a way that empowered, enlightened, and enlivens you?”

                I had the good fortune to interview Dr. Kaivalya for my podcast and found her to be a lively and informed guest and a kindred spirit for the work I’ve been doing with men over the last fifty years. You can view the podcast here. At a time when there is so much confusion about men, women, and relationships, Alanna brings clarity. Instead of adding to the conflicts between women and men, between the feminine and the masculine, she brings healing salves of joy and delight.

                “Let’s start with the femininity,” she says, “Most people assume the word relates to anything female, but what I want us to learn into here is the dynamic psychic (as in ‘of the psyche’) energy that is opposite and complementary to the masculine. Every human, regardless of gender assigned at birth, has both masculine and feminine energy in their psyche.”

                One of the things I most appreciated about Alanna’s work was her willingness to recognize the evolutionary realities that most humans and all living things come in one of two varieties — female or male.

“I speak to people whose gender assigned at birth is female and who primarily express the feminine polarity,”

                Alanna says.

“This is not because other genders and expressions are not valid — of course they are!”

                she goes on to state.

“But this book seeks to reframe femininity for cisgender women and offer support in releasing the paradigms of masculinity that have repressed and oppressed us for far too long.”

                This is good news for women, but also for men. I had similar goals for my book, The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why the Best is Still to Come. In my book and an on-line course I offer, I say,

“We all want real, lasting love, whether we are in our 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, or beyond. Yet too many marriages fall apart and most people don’t know why. They become disillusioned with their marriage. They mistakenly believe that they have chosen the wrong partner, and the relationship falls apart.”

                After going through the grieving process, they start looking again. But after more than fifty years as a marriage and family counselor I have found that most people are looking for love in all the wrong places. They don’t understand that disillusionment is not the beginning of the end, but the third stage of love.

                Most of us grew up with romantic notions of relationships. We went looking for that magical someone, our soul partner, and we fell in love (stage 1). After that stage 2 was easy — and they lived happily ever after. But when disillusionment sets in, we feel we made the wrong choice or we just drifted apart. We go through a grieving process and start looking again or give up on love and marriage.

                Here is my conception of a more enlightened path with the following stages:

• Stage 1: Falling In Love
• Stage 2: Becoming a Couple
• Stage 3: Disillusionment
• Stage 4: Creating Real, Lasting Love
• Stage 5: Using the Power of Two to Change the World

                Alanna is also a believer in the power of love. In her chapter on “The Satisfied Relationship,” she says,

“Perhaps the most important relationship for the modern adult feminine women is intimate partnership. Far from being a clichéd or old-fashioned notion, it is within the sacred dynamic of masculine and feminine that the feminine flourishes.”

                She goes on to say,

“This relationship has the potential to heal the greatest wounds suffered by the feminine, which are often — ironically — at the hands of the distorted masculine.”

Alanna shares the experiences that most all women know well.

“Whether it was our father, brother, boys at school, or members of the wider community, it is nearly inevitable that a young woman experiences some type of psychological, emotional, or physical harm from the opposite polarity. Whether unintentional or intended, whether violent or subtle, these leave indelible marks on the psyche that forever shape our adulthood.”

                This is another area where Alanna and I are in total agreement.

“I can’t emphasize it enough,” she says. “We are wounded in relationship. And we are ultimately healed in relationship.”

                I describe two primary purposes of Stage 3, Disillusionment. First, we must let go of our romantic illusions where we project our unmet needs, our hopes and dreams on our partner. We can’t have a successful relationship until we see our partner as a complex human being. In order to do that, the second purpose is to heal our childhood wounds with our mothers and fathers.

“We are all wounded,”

Dr. Kaivalya reminds us.

“While that may sound fatalistic, cynical, or like a total bummer, it is simply part of the human psychological condition.”

                No one gets through childhood without having experienced wounding from our mothers and fathers, whether they were physically present or absent. Alanna details the mother wound by describing two polarities of “Enmeshment” and “Abandonment.” All of us, whether female or male, came through the body of a woman. Most of us are aware of the deep connection and need for our mothers.

                But too often, women and men, grow up without the emotional presence of a father. Alanna has an important section in her book, “The Father Wound: Dealing with Daddy Issues.” I wrote a whole book My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound. I said,

“There is one problem that surpasses all others in its impact on men, women, and society. It is the family father wound. The father wound, resulting from physical or emotional absence, has been largely ignored. Without a strong sense of inner guidance, men can become abusive towards women and destructive towards men.”

                As Dr. Kaivalya recognizes, the father wound impacts women as well. She says,

 “I can feel the resistance in many readers even as I’m about to write these words: women inevitably fall in love with a replica of their fathers. There I said it.”

                Alanna speaks to women in the same way I speak to men.

“Whether our fathers were present in our lives or not, whether we participate in heteronormative relationships or not, when we look across the span of intimate relationships as adult women, what we find is a common thread that relates back to our early childhood experiences with the masculine parent or caregiver.”

                I think everyone will recognize why I recommend Alanna’s book and her work for both men and women.

                You can learn more about Dr. Alanna Kaivalya by visiting her website: https://www.thesatisfiedwoman.com/

                You can see the interesting podcast discussion I had with Alanna here.

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