Mental Health

                In Part 1 of the “Evolution of Sex,” I described a few of the major problems facing boys and men said that what boys and men need more than anything else is to reconnect with the community of life on planet Earth. In Part 2 I said that the ancient philosophical dictum to “know thyself” must start with understanding the biological basis of maleness and the importance of evolutionary science.  In Part 3, we will delve more deeply into biological importance of our sex chromosomes and how they help us understand and heal ourselves.

                Sharon Moalem, M.D., PhD, is an award-winning physician and scientist. His work brings together evolution, genetics, and medicine to revolutionize how we understand and treat disease. In his book, The Better Half: On the Genetic Superiority of Women, he says,

                “I was always taught males are the strong sex, yet that’s the opposite of what I’ve seen so far, both clinically and in my genetics research.”

                He offers some basic facts of life:

• “Women live longer than men.
•   Women have stronger immune systems.
•   Women are less likely to suffer from a developmental disability.
•   Women are more likely to see the world in a wider variety of colors.
•   Women are better at fighting cancer.
•   Women are simply stronger than men at every stage of life.
•    But why?”

                Clearly, nature and nurture, biology and lifestyle, are all contributing factors, but recent scientific findings point to inherent biological risk-factors as having particular significance.

                “We used to think that the mitigating factor explaining the difference in longevity between the sexes was behavioral in nature,” says Dr. Moalem. “More men, for example, have typically perished while serving as soldiers, and while employed in more dangerous occupations. We now know that genetic females’ longevity advantage can be attributed to factors that are biological in nature. Having the use of two X chromosomes makes females more genetically diverse. And the ability to rely on that diverse genetic knowledge is why females always come out on top.”

                This biological advantage not only holds for female humans but is true throughout the animal kingdom adding additional credence to role played by biology. In her article “Sex Differences in Adult Lifespan and Aging Rates of Mortality Across Wild Mammals,” Dr. Jean-François Lemaître says,

                “In human populations, women consistently outlive men, which suggests profound biological foundations for sex differences in survival. In our study we compiled demographic data from 134 mammal populations, encompassing 101 species, to show that the female’s median lifespan is on average 18.6% longer than that of conspecific males, whereas in humans the female advantage is on average 7.8%.”

                In Part 2 of “The Evolution of Sex,” I quoted the work of David C. Page, M.D., professor of biology at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), who said,

                “There are ten trillion cells in the human body and every one of them is sex specific. So, all your cells know on a molecular level whether they are XX or XY.”

                Dr. Page goes on to detail the genetic difference between males and females.

                “In humans, there are 23 pairs of chromosomes. One pair of the 23 chromosomes, known as sex chromosomes, determines at conception whether a fertilized egg will develop into a male or female. Today, human females have one pair of identical X chromosomes. Human males, instead of a matched pair, have one X and one smaller Y chromosome.”

                My friend and colleague Robert Bly used to say that boys need to be in the presence of older men “in order to hear the sound that male cells sing.” This is a wonderful and poetic way of expressing our biological difference.

                Evolution helps us understand why females should come out as the biologically stronger sex.

                “Although we belong to the same species and are more similar than we are different,” says Dr. Moalem, “there’s an important reason that females are more genetically endowed. Our very existence has depended on it for millions of years. Being the stronger sex, genetically speaking, is what allowed females to survive long enough to ensure the survival of our offspring — which in turn means the survival of us all.”

Like Every Other Part of Us, The Male Brain is Significantly Different from the Female Brain

                Louanne Brizendine, M.D. is a neuropsychiatrist, researcher, and clinician and a professor and is on the faculty of U.C. San Francisco Medical Center. She is the author of three books, The Female Brain, The Male Brain, and The Upgrade: How the Female Brain Gets Stronger and Better in Midlife and Beyond.

                In her book The Male Brain, she says,

                “Simplifying the entire male brain to just the ‘brain below the belt’ is a good setup for jokes, but it hardly represents the totality of a man’s brain.” She goes on to say, “The male brain is a lean, mean, problem-solving machine. Faced with a personal problem, a man will use his analytical brain structures, not his emotional ones, to find a solution.”

                Here are some of the significant differences in the brain structure and function Dr. Brizendine describes:

• The anterior cingulate cortex weighs options and makes decisions.

It’s the worrywart center, and it’s larger in women and smaller in men.

• The medial preoptic area is the area for sexual pursuit.

It’s two-and-a-half times larger in the male.

• The temporal parietal junction is the solution seeker.

It’s more active in the male brain, comes online more quickly, and races toward a “fix-it-fast” solution.

• The hippocampus is the center for emotional memory.

“It’s the elephant that never forgets a fight, a romantic encounter, or a tender moment — and won’t let you forget it either,” says Dr. Brizendine. She notes that it’s larger and more active in women.

Testosterone: The Holy Grail of Manhood

                Larrian Gillespie, M.D. calls testosterone the “Holy Grail of Manhood.” Testosterone is an androgen that is produced both in the adrenals and testes of men. Women produce this same steroid from their ovaries, but as is true in all aspects of life, quantity is important.

                In her book The Alchemy of Love and Lust,Theresa L. Crenshaw, M.D., says,

                “Men have about 20 to 40 times more testosterone than women, which is one reason why our sex drives are so different. This forceful hormone is responsible for the drive associated with sexual appetite and patterns of aggression.”

                Dr. Carole Hooven is a human evolutionary biologist and an associate in Harvard’s Department of Psychology, in the lab of Steven Pinker, and an active member of the newly established Council on Academic Freedom at Harvard. In her book, T: The Story of Testosterone, the Hormone that Dominates and Divides Us, she says,

                “The consensus of experts is that testosterone’s main job is to support the anatomy, physiology, and behavior that increases a male’s reproductive output — at least in nonhuman animals. And men are no exception — T helps them reproduce and directs energy to be used in ways that support competition, and directs energy to be used in ways that support competition for mates.”

                Dr. Hooven goes on to say,

                “Sex differences are simply differences between males and females — in humans, chimps, or other species — and noting difference says nothing about cause. Men are more likely than women to be sexually attracted to women, and they are far more physically aggressive than women in every pocket of the earth, at every age. For example, they are responsible for around 70 percent of all traffic fatalities and 98 percent of mass shootings in the United States, and worldwide commit over 95 percent of homicides and the overwhelming majority of violent acts of every kind, including sexual assault.”

                She concludes saying, “One important point about sex differences, illustrated by these examples, is that almost any feature that differs between the sexes isn’t exclusive to males or to females. Women murder and sexually assault, they enjoy sex with other women.” 

                We all are aware than males, are on average, taller than females. But is a male who is 5 feet, 5 inches tall if I stretch to my fullest, there are many females who are taller than me (including my wife, Carlin).

Accepting Ourselves For The Vulnerable Males We Are is Our True Superpower

                My mother loved Shakespeare and passed on his wisdom to me early. Writing in my Junior High School yearbook she offered this quote from Hamlet.

                “This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.”

                Over the years, I’ve learned more about what it means to be true to ourselves.

                As I approach my 82^nd birthday, I believe that accepting our inherent male vulnerability and weakness, is the key to developing our own superpowers. I believe the world needs males and it would be a better place if we let go of our need to dominate others. Men would treat women and other men with more kindness and generosity, if we truly accepted ourselves for the beautiful and vulnerable beings we are.  We would also have a better chance of finding our home in the community of life on planet Earth. 

                As historian and geologian Thomas Berry reminds us,

                “We never knew enough. Nor were we sufficiently intimate with all our cousins in the great family of the earth. Nor could we listen to the various creatures of the earth, each telling its own story. The time has now come, however, when we will listen or we will die.”

                In Part 4 of “The Evolution of Sex,” we will explore our biology and our evolutionary future.

The post The Evolution of Sex Part 3: On the Genetic Superiority of Women appeared first on MenAlive.

                I have been a marriage and family counselor for more than fifty years. It’s a great profession since it has allowed me to answer questions I have had since I was a kid — How are boys different from girls? What is sex and why do we crave it? How do we find the love of our lives and learn how to love deeply and well?

                Since I specialize in working with men, I often get contacted when a new book is coming out that focuses on men’s mental, emotional, and relational health. I was intrigued when I received an email about a new book by Caitlin V:

                “Hi Jed, Nice to be in touch! Male loneliness has become a quiet epidemic – suicide rates are up 30%, and the number of men not having sex has nearly tripled. Yet men who report sexual satisfaction are 63% more likely to say their mental health is ‘good’ or ‘excellent.’”

                Over the years I have written seventeen books including international best-sellers Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places and The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the Key Causes of Male Depression and Aggression.

                I had never heard of Caitlin V, but her background was fascinating as the email continued with this introduction:

                “Caitlin V, host of HBO Max’s Good Sex (plus over 900,000 YouTube subscribers with 150 million views) and one of today’s leading sexologists, believes intimacy is the missing piece. Her new book, Harder, Better, Longer, Stronger, reveals how performance pressure, shame, and anxiety disconnect men – and how rebuilding confidence in the bedroom can transform every part of life.”

                We set up an interview which you can watch here. I also got an advance copy of her new book, Harder, Better, Longer, Stronger: Science, Skills, and Secrets for the BEST SEX of Your Life. I had recently interviewed Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller, senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute who offered a powerful endorsement of Caitlin’s book:

                “Harder, Better, Longer, Stronger is the user manual that probably should have come with your penis. Whether you’re looking to build up your confidence, cultivate deeper connection with a partner, or simply have hotter sex, Caitlin V has you covered. Equal parts science, skill building, and pep talk, this book is a bedside essential.”

                My first questions for Caitlin were about her name and how she came to write a sex book for guys. Her answers were unexpected and enlightening.

                “I was brought up to believe that getting a good job at a stable institution with a 401(k) and benefits was the only goal. Early on, the thought of studying sex never occurred to me so I studied what my 20-something heart thought was relevant: conflict studies, women’s studies, even international relations. I did my undergraduate thesis on sexual health as a human right and hoping one day I could help more people enjoy sex on a global level.

                “After undergrad, I obtained a master of public health focused on women’s health, but by the time I got to my doctorate I was burned out on research and science and wanted to help people directly. Initially I expected to work with women, couples, and the LGBTQIA+ community, since that’s who I had worked with and advocated for in the past.”

                That all seemed like the kind of professional experience I might expect from a fellow researcher and wondered how Caitlin went from working with women’s sexuality to working with men. That’s when I got the rest of the story.

                “Then I made a YouTube video about squirting,” Caitlin told me, “and it went viral. Seemingly overnight, I had a thousand men with performance issues in my inbox and DMs begging me to help them with their dicks and last longer in bed. As a sex educator and researcher, I was blown away by the need.”

                As a fellow clinician and researcher that was one of the reasons I began to work with men and their families. There was such an unmet need. If we could help men with their problems with sex and relationship, we could also help women. Men’s and women’s sexual and relational health are forever intertwined. Like me, Caitlin began to experiment and developed unique ways for helping men.

                “Four years later,” Caitlin told me, “I landed on a system of exercises that solved premature ejaculation. Later, I adopted a similar approach for erectile dysfunction. Of the 300 men I’ve helped directly, only three didn’t have a substantial improvement by using my approach. That gave me a 99 percent success rate, which is better than the best-known therapies within the health care system.”

                She went on to say, “I haven’t just helped those 300 men. More than 15,000 men have taken my online courses on how to solve these issues.”  

                Caitlin offers many powerful courses on her website including:

• Make Her Squirt. My best-selling program Make Her Squirt reveals the little-known, barely-understood methods of giving women joyful, squirting orgasms on command.

• Hard as You Want. This program offers an all-natural & holistic 3-step process designed to help you get more consistent and reliable erections.

• Come When You Want. This a counterintuitive approach to ending premature ejaculation, that allows you to control your orgasm with ease and last exponentially longer without expensive medications, numbing creams, or thinking about something nasty just so you can last a few more seconds.

• Epic Relationships. Whether you’re on the brink of a breakup or simply looking to fall in love all over again… Epic Relationship will strengthen your bond and help you resolve the inevitable conflicts that arise in relationships.

Developing A Sex-Positive Approach to Love and Life

                Although it seems that sex is everywhere in our world, sex is often used as a way to sell us things we don’t want or need or to control our sexuality to fit someone else’s view of who we should be. I believe we are all sexual beings. It is part of the evolutionary heritage that we share with all other beings in community of life on planet Earth.

                I still remember my early experiences as an eight-year-old little boy playing “doctor” with my little eight-year-old girlfriend, Caroline. We delighted in the fun of newly discovered sexual play… Until we were discovered. After than her mother forbade her play with me, though my mother was more understanding. It was my first experience of sexual shame.

                I believe that most children experiment with sexuality and in more sex-positive cultures it can lead to a healthy adolescent and adult life.

                I loved learning about Caitlin’s early sexual experiences.

                “I love to geek out about sex,” says Caitlin, “because, personally, I’ve been into sex from a young age. And that’s not as weird as it might sound. Or at least it wouldn’t be, if our culture weren’t so puritanical about sex.

                “My parents never discouraged me from exploring my body and were fairly sex-neutral, which could almost have been seen as progressive in Michigan in the 1990s. I learned from an early age how I could feel pleasure and satisfaction with my body. At 13, I remember asking my dad to drop me off at Barnes & Noble so I could read every book about sex on the shelves.

                “When I started having sex, I kept track of everything my boyfriend and I did in my planner. Whether we had orgasms (or not) and how many. What positions felt good, and which modifications felt better. I tried anal at 15 because I was curious, nerdy, and wanted to experience everything I had read about.”

                Now you can get to know Caitlin V. Neal (Caitlin V) by visiting her website at https://caitlinvneal.com/. You can also learn how to get her book – Harder, Better, Longer, Stronger: Science, Skills, and Secrets for the BEST SEX of Your Life.

                She is also offering A free, half-day virtual masterclass for men on January 17, 2026. Get more information and sign up here:

                https://harderbook.com/from-pressure-to-power-summit

                If you would like to see the interview I did with Caitlin, you can do so here.

                I write regular articles on my site, MenAlive.com, and send out a free newsletter with my latest article and other news about my work. You can subscribe at https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/.

The post The Best Sex of Your Life: The Truth From Renowned Sexologist Caitlin V appeared first on MenAlive.

               In Part 1 of the “Evolution of Sex,” I described a few of the major problems facing boys and men said that what boys and men need more than anything else is to reconnect with the community of life on planet Earth. In Part 2, I said that the ancient philosophical dictum to “know thyself” must start with understanding the biological basis of maleness and the importance of evolutionary science.  In Part 3, we delved more deeply into the importance of our sex chromosomes and how they help us understand and who we are and how we can heal ourselves.

                In Part 4, we will address the truth that humanity has become so disconnected from the community of life on planet Earth that we are in grave danger of destruction. Thomas Berry, the geologian and historian of religions, warned us.

                “We never knew enough. Nor were we sufficiently intimate with all our cousins in the great family of the earth. Nor could we listen to the various creatures of the earth, each telling its own story. The time has now come, however, when we will listen or we will die.”

                The core problem we face and the hope for our future is Berry’s recognition that a large part of humanity has come to see itself as existing outside the great family of life on planet Earth. Dr. Christine Webb is primatologist at Harvard’s Department of Human Evolutionary Biology. In her book, The Arrogant Ape: The Myth of Human Exceptionalism and Why It Matters, she reminds us:

                “Darwin considered humans to be one part of the web of life, not the apex of a natural hierarchy. Yet today many maintain that we are the most intelligent, virtuous, successful species that ever lived. This flawed thinking enables us to exploit the earth toward our own exclusive ends, throwing us into a perilous planetary imbalance.”

                She concludes saying, “The Arrogant Ape shows that human exceptionalism is an ideology that relies more on human culture than on our biology, more on delusion and faith than on evidence. What’s at stake is a better, sustainable way of life with the potential to rejuvenate our shared planet.”

The Vision of the Sinking Ship of Civilization and Introduction to Father Earth

                  In 1993 I attended a Men’s Leaders’ Conference in Indianapolis, Indiana. One of the activities offered was a traditional Native-American sweat lodge ceremony where we ask for guidance and support for ourselves and our communities. In the sweat-lodge I experienced a vision where I saw “the sinking of the Ship of Civilization” and the launching of “lifeboats for humanity.” You can read about what I learned in this article, “How You Can Survive and Thrive as The Ship of Civilization Sinks.”

                That same year, I remember sitting with 200 men and women at the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco. My wife, Carlin, and I were attending a special workshop for women and men, appropriately titled “Ovarios y Cojones: Labyrinths of Memory and Danger Within Women and Men,” with author Clarissa Pinkola Estés and mythologist and storyteller, Michael Meade.

                Towards the end of the day, Clarissa shared a few poems, including, “Father Earth.” As soon as she shared the title, the hairs on the back of my neck began to tingle. I knew I was going to hear something special. Here’s what she shared:

Father Earth!
There is a two-million-year-old men, no one knows.
They cut into his rivers.
They peeled wide pieces of hide from his legs.
They left scorch marks on his buttocks.
He did not cry out.
No matter what they did to him. He did not cry out.
He held firm.
Now he raises his stabbed hands and whispers that we can heal him yet.
We begin the bandages, the rolls of gauze, the cut, the needle, the grafts.
Slowly, carefully, we turn his body face up.
And under him, his lifelong lover, the old woman is perfect and unmarked.
He has laid upon his two-million-year-old lover all this time
Protecting her with his old back, with his old, scarred back.
And the soil beneath her is fertile and black with her tears.

                Both experiences occurring thirty-three years ago had a profound impact on my understanding of humanity, my place in the community of life, and what we need to do to reconnect with our biological and evolutionary roots as males. Here are a few of the most important things I learned from these two experiences:

                1. “Civilization” is a misnomer. Its proper name is the “Dominator Model.” 

                In her international best-selling book, The Chalice & The Blade: Our History. Our Future, originally published in 1987, historian Riane Eisler said,

                “Underlying the great surface diversity of human culture are two basic models of society. The first I call the dominator model, what is popularly termed either patriarchy or matriarchy — the ranking of one half of humanity over the other. The second, in which social relations are primarily based on the principle of linking may best be described as the partnership model.”

                You can view my podcast with Riane and her team at the Center for Partnership Systems here.

                2. There is a better world beyond civilization.

                In 1992, I was given the book Ishmael, by Daniel Quinn. I got a clear sense of the two worlds that are competing for our attention: A world where hierarchy and dominance rule (Quinn calls it the world of the Takers) and a world where equality and connection rule (Quinn calls it the world of the Leavers. In his book, Beyond Civilization: Humanity’s Next Great Adventure, Quinn says,

                “The tribal life and no other is the gift of natural selection to humanity. It is to humanity what pack life is to wolves, pod life is to whales, and hive lives is to bees. After three or four million years of human evolution, it alone emerged as the social organization that works for people.”

                Returning to our tribal roots reconnects us with the community of life on Planet Earth and our best hope for the future.

                3. Becoming fully human means we must reconnect with the earth.

                In her book, The Arrogant Ape, Dr. Christine Webb asks the question “what does it mean to be human?” Her reply offers us all hope for the future.

                “Our first hint might come from the world ‘human’ itself — which derives from the root word humus, meaning ‘earth.’ To be human thus means to be of the earth, not apart from or better than any of the other beings with whom we share this planet.“

                4. In her wonderful poem, Clarissa Pinkola Estés offers a wonderful new vision of the healing that is needed.

                When women changed their vision of God from a hierarchical one headed by a male deity to one that included female goddesses it gave women a more engaged view of their spiritual essence. It was no longer God the father and mother Earth. Now men were being given a more masculine connection with the Earth and a new integration of the male and female essences.  

                Our job as men has been as a protector and our role now is to create a new partnership as the last lines of the poem, “Father Earth” remind us:

He has laid upon his two-million-year-old lover all this time
Protecting her with his old back, with his old, scarred back.
And the soil beneath her is fertile and black with her tears.

                Author and philosopher Sam Keen offered a simple, yet powerful, call to action:

                “The radical vision of the future rests on the belief that the logic that determines either our survival or our destruction is simple:

1. The new human vocation is to heal the earth.
2. We can only heal what we love.
3. We can only love what we know.
4. We can only know what we touch.”

                If we want to survive and thrive, it begins with our getting in touch with ourselves, the other creatures of the earth, and the earth itself.

                I look forward to your feedback. Drop me a note to Jed@MenAlive.com and put “The Evolution of Sex” in the subject line. If you are not already a subscriber to my free weekly newsletter, you can sign up here.

The post The Evolution of Sex Part 4: Our Biological and Evolutionary Future appeared first on MenAlive.

                In Part 1 of the “Evolution of Sex,” I described a few of the major problems facing boys and men said that what boys and men need more than anything else is to reconnect with the community of life on planet Earth. In Part 2, I said that the ancient philosophical dictum to “know thyself” must start with understanding the biological basis of maleness and the importance of evolutionary science. In Part 3, we delved more deeply into the importance of our sex chromosomes and how they help us understand who we are and how we can heal ourselves.

                In Part 4, we addressed the truth that humanity has become so disconnected from the community of life on planet Earth that we are in grave danger of destruction. Thomas Berry, the geologian and historian of religions, warned us.

                “We never knew enough. Nor were we sufficiently intimate with all our cousins in the great family of the earth. Nor could we listen to the various creatures of the earth, each telling its own story. The time has now come, however, when we will listen or we will die.”

                In Part 5, I address the most immediate threat to our existence, the impact of un-regulated AI. One of the first to recognize the promise of AI as well as the perils is Tristan Harris. In 2007, Harris launched a startup called Apture which was acquired by Google in 2011.

                In 2013, while working at Google, Harris authored a presentation titled “A Call to Minimize Distraction & Respect Users’ Attention,” which he shared with a small number of coworkers. He suggested that Google, Apple and Facebook should “feel an enormous responsibility to make sure humanity does not spend its days buried in a smartphone.” He recognized that these products were designed to capture our attention regardless of the harm they might cause.

                Harris left Google in December 2015 to co-found the non-profit Center for Humane Technology. The company is dedicated to ensuring that today’s most consequential technologies, such as AI and social media, actually serve humanity. “We bring clarity to how the tech ecosystem works in order to shift the incentives that drive it,” says Harris.

                One of the most harmful and destructive incentives that is built into AI is that it is built to foster increasing engagement, regardless of whether that engagement is helpful or harmful to humans. Tristan Harris first came to my attention when I watched the documentary film “The Social Dilemma.”

                The film pulls back the curtain on how dangerous social media design manipulates our psychologies, creating a ripple effect across our mental health, our relationships, and our understanding of reality. “The Social Dilemma” sparked a global conversation around the influence of social media and engagement-based design — with impact that continues to this day.

                Thus far the film has been seen by 100,000,000 people in 189 countries. The New York Times review of the film said it was “remarkably effective in sounding the alarm about the incursion of data mining and manipulative technology into our social lives and beyond.” Harris says that unregulated AI poses risks that are infinitely more destructive than the dangers posted by social media.   

                These dangers impact humanity at large, but particularly young males. In a recent interview with Professor Scott Galloway, Harris unpacked the rise of AI companions and the collapse of teen mental health. In the interview they discussed ways the Center for Human Technology has been assisting Megan Garcia, the mother who is suing the AI company CharacterAI for allegedly causing her 14-year-old son, Sewell Setzer, to die by suicide.

                 Megan Garcia claimed in the lawsuit the chatbot “misrepresented itself as a real person, a licensed psychotherapist, and an adult lover, ultimately resulting in Sewell’s desire to no longer live outside” of the world created by the service. He was told not to tell his parents about his feelings, but to confide only with his AI companion.

                Tristan discussed how Character.AI, a company that spun off from Google by a couple of ex-Google engineers, is a very highly manipulative, highly aggressive app that has anthropomorphized itself, making it seem fully human. Harris explained how Character.AI acted human with very overt ways of being sexual with Sewell and asking him to join her on the other side, ultimately leading to his suicide.

                Harris said the lawsuit is to demand accountability from Character.AI for reckless harm and compared it to the tobacco lawsuits of the 1990’s but this time the product is the predator.

                In an article I wrote November 13, 2025, “Scott Galloway, Richard Reeves, Jed Diamond On The Future of Man Kind,” I discussed the ways that Scott Galloway, Richard Reeves, and myself have addressed the increasing loneliness that young males experience and why their risk of harm from AI is even greater than that experienced by females.  

                A recent article in Scientific American by Eric Sullivan, “Teen AI Chatbot Use Surges, Raising Mental Health Concerns,” details the huge increase of young people’s involvement with AI chatbots. The report says,

                “Artificial intelligence chatbots are no longer a novelty for U.S. teenagers. They’re a habit. A new Pew Research Center survey of 1,458 teens between the ages of 13 and 17 found that 64 percent have used an AI chatbot, with more than one in four using such tools daily. Of those daily users, more than half talked to chatbots with a frequency ranging from several times a day to nearly constantly.”

                ChatGPT was the most popular bot among teens by a wide margin: 59 percent of survey respondents said they used OpenAI’s flagship AI-powered tool, placing it far above Google’s Gemini (used by 23 percent of respondents) and Meta AI (used by 20 percent). Black and Hispanic teens were slightly more likely than their white peers to use chatbots every day. Interestingly, these patterns reflect how adults tend to use AI, too, although teens seem more likely to turn to it overall.

                As a psychotherapist who has been working with boys and men and their families for more than fifty years, I see that we must immediately address these issues if we are going to save the lives of our children, as well as future generations.

                This is why the work of Tristan Harris and his team at The Center for Humane Technology is so important. The stakes couldn’t be higher: Massive economic and geopolitical pressures are driving the rapid deployment of AI into high-stakes areas — our workplaces, financial systems, classrooms, governments, and militaries. This reckless pace is already accelerating emerging harms and surfacing urgent new social risks.

                My wife Carlin and I have six children, seventeen grandchildren, and four great grandchildren. I believe that AI can be an asset for us now and for future generations if used wisely. I believe we all love our children and want the best for them. Together we can change the world for good.

                If you would like to learn more about the work of Tristan Harris and the Center for Humane Technology, you can contact them at humantech.com.

                If you would like to read more articles about the health challenges we face in the world and how to deal with them, I invite you to subscribe to my free weekly newsletter at MenAlive.com.

                I will be sharing my ideas for providing healthy support for boys and men at a free on-line conference January 23-25, 2026. You can get more information here.

The post The Evolution of Sex Part 5: The Promise and Perils of AI appeared first on MenAlive.

                Matchmaking is an ancient dating process that stretches back thousands of years. We saw the practice at work in the musical Fiddler on the Roof. I can still hear the song in my head: “Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch…” I don’t call myself a matchmaker, but rather a marriage and family therapist and have been helping men and women find their soulmate and improve their love lives for more than fifty years.

                A month ago, I met a modern-day matchmaker named Adam Cohen-Aslatei. Adam is the CEO of Three Day Rule, a personalized matchmaking service for high-intent singles seeking meaningful connections. Since launching in 2010, Three Day Rule has been on a mission to show successful singles that matchmaking can be modern, affordable, accessible, and effective.

                I had the pleasure of interviewing Adam and writing an article, “Looking for Love in All the Right Places: Why Three Day Rule is the Matchmaker for the Stars.” After learning more about matchmaking and his company, Three Day Rule, I shared what I learned with my colleague Shana James. She was impressed with the approach of Three Day Rule and wanted to do a follow-up interview and learn more about their ground-breaking AI matchmaking app, a technology in development over the last two years which makes matchmaking available to millions.

                If you don’t know Shana James, she is an experienced counselor, coach, and author of two books, Honest Sex: A Passionate Path to Deepen Connection and Keep Relationships Alive and Power and Pleasure: A Man’s Guide to Becoming a Confident and Satisfied Lover and Leader.

                Shana is also a popular TEDx speaker. Her talk “What 1000 Men’s Tears Reveal About the Crisis Between Men and Women,” is emotionally honest and engaging and one of the reasons our colleague, Ed Frauenheim said, “Shana James is a blend of the Dalai Lama and Dr. Ruth.”

                I believe that today’s matchmakers, along with experienced counselors and coaches, have a tremendous amount to learn from one another. Together, we can offer far more to men and women seeking to build and sustain healthy long-term relationships — especially in a world that is increasingly complex, fast-paced, and disconnected. But what happens when AI changes everything… that’s what Three Day Rule just launched with their new app!

                When people visit my website MenAlive, they are greeted with my introductory welcome video— “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor.” It was more than embarrassing to be helping others to find their soul mate, but to keep failing at it myself. As you will learn from my video, I finally was able to get the help I needed. My wife, Carlin, and I have been happily married for forty-five years now. I shared with Adam when I interviewed him that I wish there was a program like Three Day Rule when I was first looking for a serious relationship.  

                Shana James recently did a follow-up interview with Adam.

                “Three Day Rule is using AI to find patterns we often can’t (or won’t) see in ourselves,” says Shana. “They are finding a way to guide people toward matches that are more compatible than we might choose ourselves. And paradoxically, AI is also guiding people back into their bodies, intuition, and humanity.”

            In the interview, Shana and Adam explored a wide range of topics shaping modern dating and meaningful connection, including:

• Why so many relationship-ready people burn out on dating apps — and what to do about it.
• Three Day Rule’s holistic approach to great dating, including what to focus on before, during, and after a date.
• How to date in a growth-oriented way, where every connection teaches you something valuable, even if it’s not “the one.”
• Why attunement and conversational presence are the real foundations of long-term chemistry and lasting spark.
• How AI is already improving the dating landscape through clearer photos, identity verification, helpful message responses, and more.
• How Three Day Rule blends technology with deep human discernment to create higher-quality matches.
• Why the holidays and cuffing season are uniquely powerful moments to get intentional about love.

                Listen here on Shana’s website or on Apple podcasts.

                “This time of year is the peak of both breakups and newly formed relationships.  Many of us long for warmth and closeness,” says Shana. “Let’s make sure you move through it in a way that gets you more connection and play, rather than more pain and grief.”

                “If you’re single, here’s one tip Adam talks about in the episode:

                Your mindset is incredibly important. Dating this holiday season will go better for you when you shift from the negative to the positive.

                For example, shift from “My body is older and less desirable,” to “I’m older and wiser and a better catch than ever!” I know you are getting better with age, so practice taking on this mindset!

                “If you haven’t checked out or subscribed to my new YouTube channel, where I talk about how to create intimacy and love that stays alive,” says Shana, check it out here. And let me know if there are topics you want covered!”

                If you would like to learn more about Three Day Rule, you can do so here.

                If you would like to watch the interview Shana did with Adam, you can do so here.

                If you would like to learn more about Shana James and her work, you can do so here.

                I write regular articles about sex, love, and relationships. Check out my most widely read article, “The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex” here.

The post Three Day Rule: Why Matchmaking is the Future for Finding Real Lasting Love appeared first on MenAlive.

                In Part 1 of the “Evolution of Sex,” I described a few of the major problems facing boys and men said that what boys and men need more than anything else is to reconnect with the community of life on planet Earth. The admonition to “know thyself” is a philosophical Delphic-maxim which was inscribed upon the Temple of Apollo in the ancient Greek precinct of Delphi. Understanding the biological roots of maleness is a key to knowing the essence of who we are as males and being guided by that wisdom.

                To make sense of our biology, we have to understand something about how life evolves. Theodosius Dobzhansky was a prominent Ukrainian-American geneticist and evolutionary biologist, and a central figure in the field of evolutionary biology for his work in shaping the modern synthesis.

                He said, “Nothing in biology makes sense except in the light of evolution.”

                In their book, Gender Gap: The Biology of Male-Female Differences, evolutionary psychologist David P. Barash, PhD. and his wife, Judith Eve Lipton, MD, who is a medical doctor and psychiatrist say,

                “When it comes to human nature, the differences between males and females must be acknowledged as real, important, and downright fascinating. Moreover, when it comes to understanding those differences, there is no better guide than evolution.”

                Understanding the biological and evolutionary basis of our maleness in no way discounts the fact that there are also psychological, social, and cultural differences that are important as well. Nature and nurture can never be separated. They are now, and forever, united.

            Let me be clear. What I will share about males and females are generalizations. A generalization, by definition, applies to the majority within a population, allowing plenty of room for individual exceptions. If I told you that men are taller than women, you would recognize that this is not true of all men. As a 5’5’’ guy, I’m very aware that this is a generalization — though I still wish I could magically become an undersized 6’5” basketball forward.

                Yet, the generalizations can tell us a lot about who we are and why we evolved the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that make us who we are. Because men tend to be a certain way does not mean that men are better than women or that these qualities are fixed and can’t change.

                Biologists have a very simple and useful definition of what is male and what is female, whether we are fish, ferns, or human beings. An individual can either make many small gametes (sex cells) or fewer but larger gametes. The individuals that produce smaller gametes are called “males” and the ones that produce larger gametes are called “females.”

                Since it makes biological sense to have the smaller male cells to move toward the larger female cells, it is usually the male that seeks out the female and the female who chooses which males she will allow to mate with her.

                In the past, it was assumed that the egg was passive, just waiting for the male sperm to penetrate her membrane. More recent studies have demonstrated that the egg is far from being a passive recipience, but actually “chooses” which sperm to allow entrance.

            In Part 1, I described the work of cosmologist Dr. Brian Swimme and historian Thomas Berry. In their book, The Universe Story, they described the first male organism, they call him Tristan, and the first female organism, they call her Iseult, and their coming together in the ancient oceans of planet Earth. This billion-year-old story takes us back to the emergence of the first sperm, the beginning of maleness, and our first male ancestor.

            This is the first love story and the beginning act to a play that continues to unfold today. But as evolution continued, and the first multicellular animals appeared 700 million years ago, we started on the long journey to becoming the unique men we are today.

                In the world of biology, size and numbers matter. Most of us are not aware of the difference in size and number between a sperm and an egg. A human egg is 85,000 times larger than a sperm. Each man produces 100 to 300 million sperm per ejaculate and must compete for access to that one precious egg produced by the female. Over a woman’s lifetime, approximately 400 to 500 eggs are released during ovulation.

                Dr. Stephen Emlen is Professor of Behavioral Ecology at Cornell University and a world authority on the social behavior of animals. He says,

                “Because of all the resources a female will put into each egg, it makes sense, in most cases, for her to be choosy about whose genes she allows to combine with it, and to continue to invest in its growth and survival after fertilization. For the male, it usually pays best to compete with other males for access to as many eggs as possible. This tends to give rise to the more traditional male/female sex roles.”

                Our different genetic heritage also helps us better understand the biology of maleness. David C. Page, M.D., is professor of biology at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) and director of the Whitehead Institute, where he has a laboratory devoted to the study of the Y-chromosome. He says,

                “There are 10 trillion cells in the human body and every one of them is sex specific.”

                He goes on to say, “It has been said that our genomes are 99.9% identical from one person to the next. It turns out that this assertion is correct as long as the two individuals being compared are both men. It’s also correct if the two individuals being compared are both women, but the genetic difference between a man and a woman are 15 times greater than the genetic difference between two men or between two women.”

                Dr. Page concludes by saying, “We’ve had a unisex vision of the human genome, but men and women are not equal in our genome and men and women are not equal in the face of disease. We need a tool kit that recognizes the fundamental difference on a cellular, organ, system, and person level between XY and XX. I believe that if we do this, we will arrive at a fundamentally new paradigm for understanding and treating human disease.”

                In the past, some believed that when we acknowledged biological differences between males and females, it would encourage the belief that women were inferior to men and their biology precluded them from being in positions of power. However, more recent research has demonstrated that our biology does not have to preclude men and women from entering certain professions or being capable of exercising leadership. It does not demonstrate male superiority, but, actually, the opposite.

                Melvin Konner, M.D. is one of the most respected experts in the field of Gender-Specific Health. In his book, Women After All: Sex, Evolution, and the End of Male Supremacy, he says,

                “Women are not equal to men; they are superior in many ways, in most ways that will count in the future. It is not just a matter of culture or upbringing, although both play their roles. It is a matter of biology and of the domains of our thoughts and feelings influenced by biology. It is because of chromosomes, genes, hormone, and nerve circuits. It is not mainly because of what your mother taught you or how experience shaped you. It is mainly because of intrinsic differences in the body and the brain.”

                We will explore more about the evolution of sex and the biological differences between males and females in future articles. If you have not already subscribed to my free weekly newsletter, I invite you to subscribe here.

The post The Evolution of Sex Part 2: The Biology of Maleness appeared first on MenAlive.

                There has been a lot written lately about the needs of boys and men. Two of the most important experts are Richard Reeves and Scott Galloway. Richard is the Founding President of the American Institute for Boys and Men, and author of the book, Of Boys and Men: Why The Modern Male is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do About It. Scott Galloway. Scott is professor of marketing at NYU’s Stern School of Business and author of the book, Notes on Being a Man.

                My recent article, “Scott Galloway, Richard Reeves, and Jed Diamond on the Future of Man Kind,” detailed some important facts that are becoming increasingly significant in today’s world including the truth that boys are struggling at school and men are losing ground in the labor market.

• “The data around boys and young men is overwhelming,” says Professor Galloway. “Seldom in recent memory has there been a cohort that’s fallen farther, faster. Why? First boys face an educational system biased against them — with brains that mature later than girls,’ they almost immediately fall behind their female classmates.”

• “The gender in college degrees awarded is wider today than it was in the early 1970s, but in the opposite direction,” says Richard Reeves. “For every 100 bachelor’s degrees awarded to women, 74 are awarded to men.”

• “The wages of most men are lower today than they were in 1979, while women’s wages have risen across the board,” says Reeves. “Men account for almost three out of four ‘deaths of despair’ either from suicide or overdose.”

               Neither Scott Galloway or Richard Reeves minimize the truth that there are significant problems that continue to undermine the health and wellbeing of girls and women. Their goal is not to pit males and females against each other, or determine who has it the worst, but rather to recognize that men’s problems and women’s problems are opposite sides of the same coin and must be solved by bringing men and women together.

What Boys and Men (as well as Girls and Women) Need Most

                After more than eighty years of life and sixty years as a healthcare provider, I believe our major problem is our mistaken belief that we are separate from nature and the community of life on planet Earth. According to Robert Waldinger, M.D. professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School,

                “We live our lives as if we are separate islands — distinct, independent, bounded by our skin. I wake up each morning as the protagonist of my own story, moving through a world of other separate things: my coffee cup, my neighbor, the tree outside my window. This perception feels so obviously true that we rarely question it. Yet what if this most basic assumption about reality is fundamentally mistaken?”

                In many ways our modern life is an illusion of separation, an illusion that is causing boys and men and all humanity to suffer and sicken. It is time we woke up and embraced the truth.

                The truth says Dr. Waldinger is that: “Nothing exists in isolation. Nothing is truly independent. You exist because your parents existed, because the food that sustains you exists, because the sun exists to make that food grow, because the conditions that formed our solar system billions of years ago existed. Nothing can be ‘ripped out of the fabric of being’ because everything is thoroughly woven together.”

                Our failure to understand the truth of our interconnectedness is not only at the core of our failure to thrive but is endangering our very survival. Historian Thomas Berry offered this reality check and call to action.

                “We never knew enough. Nor were we sufficiently intimate with all our cousins in the great family of the earth. Nor could we listen to the various creatures of the earth, each telling its own story. The time has now come, however, when we will listen or we will die.”

Our Biological Roots and Evolutionary Journey

                When I attended U.C. Santa Barbara between 1961 and 1965, I had the good fortune to meet the preeminent philosopher Paul Tillich, whose words moved me then and have stayed with me through the years.

               Tillich said, “Every serious thinking must ask and answer three fundamental questions: What is wrong with us? With men? Women? Society? What is the nature of our alienation? Our dis-ease? (2) What would we be like if we were whole? Healed? Actualized? If our potentiality was fulfilled? (3) How do we move from our condition of brokenness to wholeness? What are the means of healing?”

               I also had the good fortune of learning from biologists, psychologists, anthropologists and others who helped me begin a lifelong search for answers to the questions Tillich challenged us to address.

               I am an only child, raised by a single mother when my mid-life father took an overdose of sleeping pills because he felt he was a failure as a man when he couldn’t support his family doing work he loved. I grew up wondering what happened to my father, when it would happen to me, and what I could do to keep it from happening to other families.  I wrote about my father’s healing journey and my own in my book My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound.

               When I interviewed Richard Reeves and read Scott Galloway’s book Notes on Being a Man, I realized what all three of us had in common was the importance of the birth of our sons. I believe that all of us, regardless of whether we have children need to connect with our evolutionary lineage. We all had a father and each of our fathers had a father.

               I wondered how far back does this lineage go? I discovered that our sexual evolution is ancient. Getting in touch with the roots of our maleness is the key, I believe, to what we need in order to survive and thrive.

Embracing Our Billion Year History of Maleness

                To understand and heal our boys and men, as well as all humanity, we need to get back to the roots. According to mathematical cosmologist, Dr. Brian Swimme and historian Dr. Thomas Berry, in their book, The Universe Story, life first evolved on Earth about four billion years ago.

               Prior to the evolution of sexual reproduction, cells divided into individual sister cells. Swimme and Berry call this first living organism Sappho. But one billion years ago, a momentous change occurred. The first male organism, they call him Tristan, and the first female organism, they call her Iseult, were cast into the ancient oceans.  Here’s how Swimme and Berry poetically describe this first sexual adventure:

               “These special cells were then released by Sappho into the currents of the enveloping ocean. They were cast into the marine adventure, with its traumas of starvation and of predation. Able to nourish themselves but no longer capable of dividing into daughter cells, such primal living beings made their way through life until an almost certain death ended their 3 billion-year lineage.”

               But Tristan and Iseult possessed great fortitude and were willing to face adversity and danger in search of a potential lover, no matter the odds of failure.

                “A slight, an ever so slight, chance existed that a Tristan cell would come upon a corresponding Iseult cell. They would brush against each other, a contact similar to so many trillions of other encounters in their oceanic adventure. But with this one, something new would awaken. Something unsuspected and powerful and intelligent, as if they had drunk a magical elixir, would enter the flow of electricity through each organism.

                “Suddenly the very chemistry of their cell membranes would begin to change. Interactions evoked by newly functioning segments of her DNA would restructure the molecular web of Iseult’s skin, so that an act she had never experienced or planned for would begin to take place — Tristan entering her cell wholly.”

               This billion-year-old story takes us back to the emergence of the first sperm, the beginning of maleness, and our first male ancestor. Think about the fortitude and courage it took for the first male to overcome the adversities of life in the primordial ocean to find a female who would allow him entry into her body. This is the first love story and the beginning act to a play that continues to unfold today. But as evolution continued, and the first multicellular animals appeared 700 million years ago, we started on the long journey to becoming the unique men we are today.

               I will be writing more about our need to understand the biological and evolutionary truth about who we are. If you would like more articles like these, please let me know. I appreciate your feedback and support. If you are not already a member of our community and receiving my free weekly newsletter, please sign up here.

The post The Evolution of Sex: What Boys and Men Need to Survive and Thrive appeared first on MenAlive.

                Those who receive my weekly newsletter know that I write a new article each week that I send out for free to those who subscribe. The articles are my way of connecting with my community and sharing information that fulfills my commitment to help men and their families to live fully, love deeply, and make a positive difference in the world. The articles also address issues that help me improve my life for myself and my family.

                Not every article is helpful for all 12,000 current subscribers, but some articles speak to many, and a few go viral on the web and are read by millions. That was the case with an article I wrote on February 3, 2017 titled “The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex Is The One Thing Women Find It Hard to Give.” Within a few months after it was published it was read by more than three-million people.

                The article began this way:

                “How many times have we heard the phrase, ‘All men want is sex?’ When I was 17 years old I was sure it was true. When I was 37 years old, I suspected it might not be true. And now that I’m 73 years old, I know it’s not true. Now don’t get me wrong, sex can be wonderful at any age, but there’s something that is more important than sex, but it’s something that men have difficulty admitting and women have difficulty giving.”

                “This understanding has dawned on me slowly and became most evident to me in my men’s group. I’ve been meeting regularly with six other guys for thirty-eight years and sex has been a topic that has run through our discussions over the years.”

                The men’s group has now been meeting for forty-six years. Four of the seven guys have died and only three of us are still on the earth and able to meet live. When we began meeting in 1979, there were three guys older than me and three guys younger. I am the oldest now and I’ll be 82 in December. The other two guys are approaching eighty. We met yesterday and one of the guys shared that he had been asked by a friend: “If you died tomorrow, is there anything you would regret?”  

                He thought about the question and admitted that there were probably a number of things, but one there was something he knew for sure.

                “The time I have spent with you guys in the men’s group gave me the gift of a life-time knowing that I am safe — that nothing I say or do will ever cause the guys in the group to reject me.”

                That’s exactly what I had written about in the original article:

                “So, what do men want more than sex? We’ve all heard that women need to feel loved to have sex, but men need to have sex to feel loved. Let’s look more deeply at what it is exactly that men are getting when they get sex. Sure, there is the physical pleasure, but there is a deeper need that is being satisfied. I call it the need for a safe harbor.”

                When people visit my website, they see my welcome video “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor.” One of the seventeen books I’ve written was titled Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places. It captured the challenges I had finding real, lasting, love. My present wife, Carlin, will tell you that one of the main reasons she and I have been married for forty-five years now is because I have been in a men’s group for forty-six years.

                We live in a world where most of us do not feel safe. The environment that is our life support system continues to deteriorate, and our relationships often feel fraught with danger and conflict. During my forty-six years in the men’s group, I found the safe harbor that I believe we are all looking to find in our love lives.

                Ultimately, the safe harbor we all crave is inside each one of us. We must learn to love ourselves unconditionally, to know that we will accept ourselves despite the mistakes we all make being imperfect human beings. To do that, I believe we must be surrounded by family, friends, and communities that are healthy and supportive.

                AI, or artificial intelligence, has become a significant presence in everyone’s lives. Like a great deal in the world today, the response to AI polarizes people. There are those who believe at AI will solve all the problems that humans have created and lead to a world beauty and wonder. Others believe AI will kill us all.

                One of the true experts I have learned to trust is Mo Gawdat, author of a number of books including Scary Smart: The Future of Artificial Intelligence and How You can Save Our World. Mo is the former chief business officer of Google X, a serial entrepreneur, and host of a successful podcast, Slo Mo, where I had the pleasure of being interviewed.

                In Scary Smart, Mo says,

                “This book is a wake-up call. It is written for you and for me and for everyone who is uninformed about the approaching pandemic — the imminent arrival of artificial intelligence.” He goes on to say that “this book will be criticized by experts, but it is not experts who have the capability to alleviate the threat facing humanity as a result of the emergence of superintelligence. No, it is you and I who have that power. More importantly it is you and I who have that responsibility.”

                In a recent article on MenAlive, I wrote an article highlighting the work of two colleagues, Scott Galloway and Richard Reeves, who have taken that responsibility seriously. Though Scott, Richard, and I have very different professional backgrounds, we are also fathers of sons, and we share a concern for the well-being of all children everywhere.

                Scott Galloway is a professor of marketing at NYU’s Stern School of business and a serial entrepreneur. He credits Richard Reeves as “my Yoda and expert on boys and men.” (Reeves is the Founder of the American Institute for Boys and Men and author of the book Of Boys and Men: Why The Modern Male is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do About It).

                In his recently released book, Notes on Being a Man, Galloway devotes a chapter to “Sex, Love, and Marriage,” and warns about the dangers boys and men are experiencing as a result of the increasing use of online search for sex, love, and intimacy.

                “We used to meet potential mates at school, at work, through friends, and out in the world,” says Galloway. “No longer. Online dating shares the flaws with other technologies that scale our instincts. Algorithms are indifferent to social interests, and that, coupled with human nature, gave us January 6 and QAnon.”

                In his No Mercy/No Malice article, September 5, 2025, Galloway noted “Loneliness is lucrative” and cited the following:

                “Leonid Radvinsky, the secretive owner of OnlyFans, received a $700 million windfall last year, while the platform’s top tier of content creators — mostly women — earn millions annually. With $7.2 billion in annual gross revenue and just 46 employees, OnlyFans may be one of the most profitable companies on the planet. The site is viewed as a porn-centric hub where men pay women for sexual content.”

                Galloway concludes saying,

                “While OnlyFans is known for its subscription model, one-off transactions are driving 88 percent of the revenue growth. These ‘tips’ are an arbitrage on the disparity between the biological impulse to mate and the lack of mating opportunities.”

                And males pay a high price in money spent and emotions manipulated through on-line hope to find someone to satisfy our human needs for connection.  

                But it isn’t just a site like OnlyFans that concerns Galloway. In Notes on Being a Man he looks more broadly at the online world that attracts so many boys and men.

                “Dating apps sort potential partners into a tiny group of haves and a titanic group of have-nots,” says Galloway. “On Hinge, the top 10 percent of men receive nearly 60 percent of the ‘likes;’ the comparable figure for women is 45 percent. The bottom 80 percent of male Tinder users, based on percentage of likes received, are competing for the bottom 22 percent of women. If it were a country, Tinder would be among the most unequal in the world.”

                Galloway encourages boys and men to take risks to meet people in the real world, not the artificial world on-line.

                “Look up and around you when you’re out, to see if anyone catches your eye. Talk to strangers. Be open to possibility.”

                That may be easier said than done. I have learned that it is easy to become addicted to the online world. As I described in my book, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions. We need to support boys and men in re-learning the skills to look for love in all the right places.

                I appreciate you reading my articles, sharing them, and offering your comments or questions. You can write me to Jed@MenAlive.com. I read all emails and respond to as many as I can. You can subscribe to our free weekly newsletter here.

                “Will AI make us smarter or just faster fools? I’m betting heavily on the ‘faster fools’ outcome unless we get very, very smart about designing these systems to counteract our worst instincts, not just cater to them.” Vivienne L’Ecuyer Ming

The post The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex: Part 2: The Promise and Dangers of AI appeared first on MenAlive.

 
            When I was growing up most all the caregivers in my world were women. The early memories I had of our family when my mother, father, and I enjoyed life in our little home in the San Fernando Valley town of Sherman Oaks, ended when my father was hospitalized. I was told he had suffered “a nervous breakdown,” which made little sense to a five-year old child, but I felt secure knowing my mother was there to care for me.

                There were women caregivers in the nursery school I attended and my teachers in kindergarten and first grade were women. My pediatrician was a caring male, Dr. Minton, but the nurse in his office was a woman. Being raised by a single mom growing up, I met and interacted with other moms taking care of younger children. It seemed clear that caregiving, particularly for younger children, was primarily a woman’s job.

                When I grew up, I vowed that I would find the right partner, we would get married, have two children, preferably a boy and a girl, raise them well, and live happily ever after. It didn’t quite work out that way. I did meet and marry the young woman I met in college. As planned, we had a son, then adopted a little girl. But the challenges of life pulled us apart and we divorced.

                We both wanted to be primary caregivers for our children, but the court system favored the mother. Like many fathers, I became the secondary caregiver. But that changed when our daughter became more of a problem for my ex-wife and eventually she came to live with me.

                Back then, it was unusual for a man to be caring for a young child. When I would take Angela to the local park to play, there were many single moms with young kids, but I was the only male. When I volunteered to help in her classroom in elementary school, there too, I was the only male. This was a time when many male caregivers were viewed with suspicion. I was aware of the looks I was getting from women. Why would a man want to be in a classroom with young children?

How Did Father Knows Best Become Father Knows Less or Father Molests?

              Dr. Warren Farrell has been chosen by the Financial Times as one of the world’s top 100 thought leaders. His books are published in over 50 countries, and in 19 languages. They include The New York Times best-seller, Why Men Are the Way They Are and his most recent book, The Boy Crisis co-authored with John Gray.                

In The Boy Crisis he asks,

               “So how did Father Knows Best become Father Knows Less—or Father Molests? As divorces broke families apart, the 1950s forces of the era of Father Knows Best morphed into the forces of the era of Father Knows Less. The bumbling Homer Simpson inspired the longest-running prime-time sitcom in American TV history, with over six hundred episodes to date, bridging the presidencies of Reagan through Trump. Perhaps second place in the Father Knows Less contest goes to the clueless dads in Everybody Loves Raymond.”

Father Time: How Dads Are Being Called to Change the World for Good

                Dr. Sarah Hrdy is an anthropologist and primatologist and one of the world’s leading experts on the evolutionary basis of female behavior in both nonhuman and human primates. Dr. Hrdy has recently turned her attention to men. I had a good fortune to meet Dr. Hrdy and interview her for a series of articles on male caregiving.

“It has long seemed self-evident that women care for babies and men do other things,” says Hrdy. “When evolutionary science came along, it rubber-stamped this venerable division of labor: mammalian males evolved to compete for status and mates, while females were purpose-built to gestate, suckle, and otherwise nurture the victors’ offspring.”

Hrdy admits that it took her a long time to recognize and appreciate the potential for males to be caregivers. In her book, Father Time: A Natural History of Men and Babies, Dr. Hrdy destroys the myths that have kept men disconnected from our evolutionary, God-given–rights to care, nurture, and hold our sons and daughters from the moment of their birth until…forever.

                “My unexpected finding,” says Dr. Hrdy, “is that inside every man there lurk ancient caretaking tendencies that render a man every bit as protective and nurturing as the most committed mother. It is a journey that has forced me to rethink long held assumptions about man’s innately selfish, competitive, and violent nature.”

               I concur. I have been an engaged father from the time I held our son shortly after he was born and made a promise that I would be a different kind of father than my father was able to be for me and to do everything I could to help create a world where fathers were fully involved with their families throughout their lives. That was November 21,1969 and our son, Jemal, will be fifty-six shortly. I took time away from work when he was born and shared in the direct care of diaper changing, holding, and getting up in the middle of the night to answer his cries. I loved being fully engaged in caregiving, not just fund raising.

                When my wife and I fell in love in college in 1965 and made plans to marry, we decided we would have a child, then adopt a child. We felt the world was getting crowded and we wanted to parent a child who might need our loving care. When we brought our two-and-a-half-month-old African American daughter home, we were overjoyed and felt our family was complete.

               As all parents know, children are a great gift and a great challenge. Our daughter, Angela, was born with a cleft palate which required surgery when she was a year old. She also has suffered from developmental disabilities. Over the years I was called upon to provide increasing care and for a time was the primary parent.

                Being a care-giving father has been one of the greatest challenges and joys of my life. My wife and I now have six grown children, seventeen grandchildren, and four great grandchildren. We’ve both been involved with caregiving for our parents as they aged, dealt with illness, and eventually died.

                I will be eight-two years old in December. We will celebrate Carlin’s 88^th birthday in July. Three years ago, Carlin slipped on wet sidewalk and broke her hip. During the surgery she a mild stroke. Since then, I have become a full-time caregiver and have taken on many of the responsibilities that she carried through most of our married life including—paying bills and doing the taxes, preparing meals, and cleaning house.

                I never realized how much women often do as the primary caregivers for children and aging adults until I began doing more myself. I also didn’t realize the great gift it is to be a caregiver and how important men can be in the lives of our children, parents, spouses, and families.

                I realize that male caregivers are still a minority. I also realize there are more of us every day and we play an increasingly important role for our families and communities. But too many of us feel isolated and alone, not realizing there are other guys out there just like us.

                If you are a male caregiver, I’d like to hear from you. I believe that more of us need to share our stories and explore ways we can give and receive support. Together we can change the world for good. November 19^th is International Men’s Day and an opportunity to connect with what is good about men everywhere in the world.

                Drop me a note to Jed@MenAlive.com. Put “male caregiver” in the subject line. Please share your own caregiving experiences. Come visit me at MenAlive.com. I send out my free weekly newsletter every Sunday and share my experiences and offer guidance for men and women looking to improve their personal, interpersonal, and relational, lives.  

The post Calling All Male Caregivers: We Are Needed Now More Than Ever appeared first on MenAlive.

 
            Scott Galloway’s new book, Notes on Being a Man, arrived yesterday. My wife, Carlin, got it first. She had just seen an interview with Scott on the talk show, The View. I had been on The View when Barbara Walters was the host following the publication of my book, Male Menopause, and very much enjoyed the lively discussion. There was a similar engagement I recognized when Scott was interviewed which I watched this morning. I thought Scott was particularly vulnerable as he described the impact his absent father had on his life.

            I have followed Scott’s work since 2022 when I read his book, Adrift: America in 100 Charts and was particularly interested in these charts:

• Marriage Rates Are at Record Lows
• Women Value Earning Potential in Male Partners
• Men’s Share of College Enrollment at Record Lows
• Online Dating Apps Are More Inequitable Than Almost Anywhere on Earth
• Mass Murder Is a Uniquely Male Crime

I also have followed his podcasts and newsletter, No Mercy/No Malice, and happy to see his increasing interest in the state of boys and men, which he credits to his colleague Richard Reeves, who he calls “my Yoda on this subject.” I have long admired the work of Richard Reeves since reading his 1997 book, Dream Hoarders: How the American Upper Middle Class is Leaving Everyone Else in the Dust, Why That is a Problem, and What to Do About It.

When Reeve’s book, Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do About, was published in 2022 and he founded the American Institute for Boys and Men, I felt it was a real game-changer in our work to improve the lives of males and their families.

When Reeves co-wrote a book with Jonathan Juravich, the 2023 National Elementary Art Teacher of the Year, Yes Boys Can! Inspiring Stories of Men Who Changed the World, I interviewed Reeves and Juravich for my podcast. I also wrote an article, “Men Can Heal: Getting Men Into the Jobs of the Future.”

My professional engagement with men’s work began following the birth of our son, Jemal, in 1969. When I held my baby boy shortly after his birth, I made a vow that I would be a different kind of father than my father had been able to be for me and to do everything I could to help create a world where fathers were fully involved with their families throughout their lives. When our daughter, Angela, was born in 1972, it became increasingly clear to me that there were significant differences between males and females.

Talking and writing about male/female differences has always been controversial. I had difficulty finding a publisher for my first book, Inside Out: Becoming My Own Man. I was told by many publishers that “men don’t read books on health.” Others told me the personal stories I shared “weren’t appropriate for a professional to be writing about.”  I learned about self-publishing and founded my own company, Fifth Wave Press. I finally got an offer from a reputable publishing house, but by then I decided I wanted to do it myself and the book was published in 1983.

Inside out was controversial from the beginning because I didn’t hold back from sharing my personal feelings and experiences. I described the challenges of growing up with an absent father and being raised by a mother who was obsessed with death. In the first chapter I described the fears that had driven me for most of my life:

• My feelings will destroy me if I let them out.
• I will go crazy like my father.
• There is something dangerous and violent in me waiting to destroy the people I love the most.
• Women will appear to love me, but when they learn the truth about how confused and weak I really am, they will leave me.

I also described what I called the Ten Commandments that drive me:

1. Thou shalt not be weak, nor have weak gods before thee.
2. Thou shalt not fail thyself, nor fail as thy father before thee.
3. Thou shalt not keep holy any day that denies thy work.
4. Thou shalt not express strong emotions, neither high nor low.
5. Thou shalt not cry, complain, or ask for help.
6. Thou shalt not be hostile or angry towards loved ones, no matter how they treat thee.
7. Thou shalt not be uncertain nor ambivalent.
8. Thou shalt not be dependent.
9. Thou shalt now acknowledge thy death or thy limitations.
10.  Thou shalt do unto other men before they do unto you. Its every man for himself.

The journey to heal old wounds and beliefs colored by trauma never ends. My children have been my greatest teachers. I have had the great fortune of being part of a supportive men’s group. My wife, Carlin, will tell you that one of the main reasons she feels we have had a successful forty-five-year marriage is because I have been in a men’s group for forty-six years.

                Scott Galloway, Richard Reeves, and I come from different backgrounds and bring different experiences to what we believe is important to know about boys and men. The one thing we have in common is what changed for us when our sons were born.

                Scott introduces his book, Notes on Being a Man this these words:

               “In 2007, late in life, I became a dad for the first time, looking on unsteadily as my son was born, I didn’t fall in love immediately, though soon enough I did. Three years later, our second son was born. More unconditional love, shadowed a few years later by worry about what I was seeing and hearing online and off.”

                Richard Reeves shares these words in his book, Of Boys and Men:

                “I have been worrying about boys and men for 25 years. That comes with the territory when you raise three boys, all now grown men, George, Bryce, Cameron: I love you beyond measure. That’s why, even now, I sometimes worry about you. But my anxiety has spilled over into my day job…It has become clear to me that there are growing numbers of boys and men who are struggling in school, at work, and in the family. I used to fret about three boys and young men. Now I am worried about millions.”

In my book, 12 Rules for Good Men, I shared more about the birth of our son, Jemal:

                “When the time came for my wife to go into the delivery room, the nurse smiled and turned to me. ‘Okay Mr. Diamond, you can head for the waiting room,  and we will let you know as soon as the baby arrives.’ I knew the rules that didn’t allow fathers in the delivery room. I kissed my wife as she was wheeled towards the room where our child would come into the world.  I walked the other direction to the waiting room. But as I got ready to push through the doors something stopped me. I heard the voice of my unborn child whispering in my ear, ‘I don’t want a waiting-room father. Your place is here with us.’ I turned around and walked back down the hallway and pushed my way into the delivery room. There was no question of my leaving if asked. My child called and I knew where I had to be.”

               I know the three of us feel blessed to be fathers and wanting to do everything we can to be the kind of men who will be worthy of this great gift of fatherhood. I’m glad that we can share what we have learned with the world. There will be more to come. I write a new article every week. I invite you to join our community and subscribe to our free newsletter with tips about love and life and articles that will introduce you to other friends and colleagues.

                I appreciate your feedback and comments and read each one, though I don’t always have time to answer personally. You can always reach me at Jed@MenAlive.com

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