Mental Health

                I am a marriage and family counselor so I should know better. My wife and I have been married forty-five years, and she still tells me I don’t listen to her.

                “I don’t need you to solve my problems. I just want to be heard,”

                she’s told me many times. I know, I know. I know what I should do, I just have a problem doing it. Filmmaker, Jason Headley captures what many men and women experience in less than two minutes. I have watched the film many times since I first saw it more than ten years ago and it still reminds me of challenges we face in our relationships.

                Like many men, I’ve always been a problem solver. If something isn’t going well in my life, I look for a way to fix it. When water started dripping down one of the beams in the living room, a ran for a pan to catch the drips, then called a roofer friend who came out and fixed the roof.

                When my wife has a problem, I listen until it’s clear what the problem is and then I tell her what I think she should do. To me that’s showing her that I love her. Too many men, I know, are oblivious to what is going on with their partners. I have several male friends who say they were blind-sided when their wife told them, out of the blue, “I want a divorce.” Their wives say that they’ve been voicing their unhappiness for years, but he just didn’t listen.

                I’ve never been that kind of husband. I do listen and I do want my wife to be happy. If there’s a problem that can be fixed, I want to fix it if I can or encourage her to fix it. But over the years I’ve learned that we need to resist our compulsion to fix things and take time to listen.

The Two-Minute Film That Will Change Your Life for the Better, If…

                The film, It’s Not About the Nail was made by Jason Headley. He also wrote Pixar’s Lightyear and Onward and wrote and directed the SXSW Special Jury Prize-winning feature A Bad Idea Gone Wrong. It’s Not About the Nail has gotten over 24 million views on Youtube since it was released in 2013.

                I believe the film can change your life for good if you do three simple things:

1. Watch the film.
2. Learn the important lessons the film teaches us.
3. Practice what you learn… again and again and again.

Seeing The Situation From the Woman’s Perspective

                When you watch and listen to the woman in the film, she tells us clearly what is going on for her and how she is feeling:

                “There’s all this pressure, you know? And sometimes it feels like it’s right up on me. And I can feel it, literally feel it — in my head. And it’s relentless.”

                “And I don’t know if it’s going to stop… that’s the thing that scares me the most. I don’t know… if it’s ever going to stop.”

                She turns to the man and…

Seeing the Situation From the Man’s Perspective

                From his perspective, the problem is obvious and as soon as he points it out, he is sure the woman will do the right thing and accept and appreciate his wisdom.

                He looks at her, points his finger and tells her:

                “You     have     a     nail    in    your    head.”

                To which, she replies, “IT’S NOT ABOUT THE NAIL.”

                It’s important to note that she doesn’t say, “I don’t have a nail in my head,” but “It’s not about the nail.”

                From his perspective, she’s absolutely wrong and if she would listen to him, see the obvious truth of the problem, everything will be O.K.

                “Are you sure… because I bet if we got that thing out of there,” he tells her.

                In exasperation she says, “STOP TRYING TO FIX IT.”

                But, of course, he doesn’t give up. “I’m not trying to fix it,” he says. “I’m just pointing out that maybe the nail is CAUSING…”

                Her frustration boils over. “You always do this. You’re always trying to fix things when what I need is for you to just listen…”

                At this point, we’re halfway through the two-minute film. Are you starting to understand the wisdom and importance of understand their different perspectives? From our separate viewpoints, we each believe the truth is obvious. Yet, there is a deeper truth that we need help recognizing.

What the Experts Have to Say

                I have known and admired the work of Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt for more than forty years. I have interviewed them both numerous times on my podcasts, including a recent interview just with Harville about men’s issues. Harville and Helen are internationally respected couple’s therapists, educators, speakers, and New York Times bestselling authors. Together, they have written over 10 books with more than 4 million copies sold, including the timeless classic, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. In addition, Harville has appeared on the Oprah Winfrey television program 17 times!

                They have helped millions of women and men to listen to each other and know they are being heard and understood. They also have found that relationship problems are not limited to our intimate relationships. They pervade our society. In their most recent book, How to Talk with Anyone about Anything: The Practice of Save Conversations, Harville and Helen say,

                “We began developing the skills that led to creating Safe Conversations Dialogue in Helen’s living room in 1977, when we first began dating. We had both gone through painful divorces, and we were eager to make our relationship work despite our differences.”

                John and Julie Gottman are also a well-respected duo who have been helping couples to improve their relationships for more than forty years. Over the years they learned that men have an important and unique role to play in improving a couple’s love life but have rarely been given the specific tools they needed in order to succeed. 

                “Men, you have the power to make or break a relationship,”

                they say in their book,  The Man’s Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the “Love Lab” About What Women Really Want.

                “What men do in relationships is, by a large margin, the crucial factor that separates a great relationship from a failed one. This does not mean that a woman doesn’t need to do her part, but the data proves that a man’s actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship succeeds or fails, which is ironic, since most relationship books are for women. That’s kind of like doing open-heart surgery on the wrong patient.”

                John Gottman, PhD is the guy who is known for being able to predict with 94 percent accuracy whether a couple will get divorced. The scientific laboratory, the “Love Lab,” is his major source of knowledge. John’s wife, Dr. Julie Gottman, is a clinical psychologist who has worked side by side with John to strengthen couples’ relationships worldwide.

                In addition to being the world’s leading marriage researcher, John has also distinguished himself by being in many disastrous relationships with women before he met Julie. Being a marriage expert doesn’t exempt us from having our own problems. We all need help and support. I know from personal experience as I share on the introductory video on my website, “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor.”

                I write a new article every week. I look forward to your questions and comments. I also invite you to join our community and sign up for our free weekly newsletter.

The post It’s Not About the Nail: The One Thing Women Need They Aren’t Getting From Men appeared first on MenAlive.

                We are living at a time of great chaos and confusion where fear and violence seem to be tearing our country apart. Wounded and rageful men are at the center of the storm. Anger turned outward can lead to murder, turned inward it can lead to suicide. In my last article, “From Artificial Intelligence (AI) to (RI) Real Intimacy: Getting the Love You’ve Always Wanted,” I shared ways this has impacted my own family and cited the work of other experts including Richard V. Reeves, Founder of the American Institute for Boys and Men.

                These are challenging issues, and it is easy to get caught up in media-driven solutions that do not offer in-depth understanding that can lead to practical solutions. In an earlier article, “Warriors For the Human Spirit: Finding Your Path of Contribution in a World Out of Balance,” I offered some of my own findings from my book, The Warrior’s Journey Home: Healing Men, Healing the Planet. I quoted Buddhist scholar Chögyam Trungpa who said,

                “Warriorship here does not refer to making war on others. Aggression is the source of our problems, not the solution. Here the word ‘warrior’ is taken from the Tibetan pawo which literally means ‘one who is brave.’ Warriorship in this context is the tradition of human bravery, or the tradition of fearlessness. Warriorship is not being afraid of who you are.”

The History of Humanity and Our Place in the Community of Life on Planet Earth

                Who are we and what does it mean to be human these days? In her extensively researched and authoritative new book, The Arrogant Ape: The Myth of Human Exceptionalism and Why It Matters, primatologist and Harvard Professor Dr. Christine Webb, says that classifying humans as Homo sapiens sapiens — the wisest of the wise — may be more arrogance and wishful thinking that evolutionary fact.

                Humans are a very new group of animals who have been recently added to the community of life.

                “If we condense earth’s 4.6-billion year history into a 46-year timeline, humans have existed for only four hours, and the Industrial Revolution began just one minute ago.”

                To begin to understand what it means to be human and the challenges we face today we must greatly broaden our perspective. In their book, The Universe Story, cosmologist Dr. Brian Swimme and cultural historian Dr. Thomas Berry detail the following: history:

• Our home planet Earth was formed 4.6 billion years ago.

• Lifefirst appeared in the oceans 4.0 billion years ago.

• Plants and animals began evolving 550 million years ago.

• Humans emerged 2.6 million years ago.

                For most of human history humans saw themselves as equal partners in the community of life. When did things start to go wrong? In their book, Nurturing Our Humanity: How Domination and Partnership Shape Our Brains, Lives, and Future, Dr. Riane Eisler, President of the Center for Partnership Studies and anthropologist Dr. Douglas P. Fry say,

                “Nomadic foragers — also called nomadic hunter-gatherers — constitute the oldest form of human social organization, predating by far the agricultural revolution of about 10,000 years ago.”

                Eisler and Fry describe our earliest human ancestors as “The Original Partnership Societies” and say they shared the following characteristics:

• Overall egalitarian
• Equality, respect, and partnership between women and men.
• Nonacceptance of violence, war, abuse, cruelty, and exploitation.
• Ethics that support human caring, prosocial cooperation, and flourishing.

                They contrast partnership systems with ones based on characteristics of domination:

• Rigid top-down rankings, hierarchies of domination are maintained through physical, psychological, and economic control in familial, religious, political, economic and other social institutions.

• Ranking of one form of humanity over the other. Theoretically, this could be the female half over the male half, but historically it has been the ranking of males over females, and with this, the idealization of traits that are in domination systems equated with masculinity, such as “manly” conquest and “heroic” violence.

• The cultural acceptance of abuse and violence, from child-and-wife beating to slavery and warfare.

• Beliefs that rankings of domination are inevitable, even moral.

The Myth of Human Exceptionalism Underlies Our Deepening Disconnection With the Community of Life on Planet Earth

                In The Arrogant Ape, Christine Webb offers a great deal of evidence to demonstrate that most of our current problems are caused by the false belief that humans are above and apart from the rest of the community of life on planet Earth:

                “Human exceptionalism — a.k.a. anthropocentrism or human supremacy — is at the root of the ecological crisis. This pervasive mindset give humans a sense of dominion over Nature, set apart from and entitled to commodify the earth and others species for our own exclusive benefit. And its back-firing on us today, spurring forest fires, sea level rise, mass extinctions, and pandemics like the coronavirus.”

                Thomas Berry believes the very survival of humanity is at risk.

                “So long as we are under the illusion that we know best what is good for the earth and for ourselves, then we will continue our present course, with its devastating consequences on the entire Earth community. We never knew enough. Nor were we sufficiently intimate with all our cousins in the great family of the earth. Nor could we listen to the various creatures of the earth, each telling its own story. The time has now come, however, when we will listen or we will die.”

Returning to Our Partnership Roots and Reconnecting With the Natural World

                In my years working with people addicted to drugs, I learned that the addictive mindset comes to believe that the solution to their pain and suffering is their alcohol, cocaine, or some other drug or activity that promises relief, but offers more pain and suffering. Addicts become like confused homing pigeons flying faster and faster in the wrong direction. Recovery begins when we give up our mistaken belief that we can fix our problem on our own and admit with humility that we need to rely on a higher power.

                Our old story tells us that to survive and thrive we must dominate nature. The new story, or more accurately, a return to an earlier story that we were living for more than 99% of human history was a story indigenous cultures all over the world are still enacting and if we can let go of our arrogance we can once again find the peace and prosperity that is our birth right.

                Christine Webb says,

                “This pivotal ecological moment can be seen either optimistically or pessimistically, but I favor neither. Instead, I tend toward hope. Optimism and pessimism are probabilistic; they proclaim to know the odds, and await a better or worse future. Hope, on the other hand, centers on potential and uncertainty — it’s about not knowing. In other words, hope is more aligned with humility.”

                She concludes saying,

                “Hope arises when we realize that human exceptionalism is not an inherent trait, not a bias we’re born with. Rather, it’s a role we’ve assumed thanks to a cultural story we’ve inherited.”

                We each can do our part to enact a new story, but first we need to let go of the old one. The good news is that we are not alone and together we can change our lives and the world for good. I appreciate your feedback and ideas. I invite you to visit me at MenAlive.com or drop me an email to Jed@MenAlive.com.

The post What Does It Mean to Be Human in a World Out of Balance? appeared first on MenAlive.

                Professor G (Scott Galloway) offers a chilling reminder of how hungry we are for connection and how lonely we’ve become. In a recent article, Lonely Fans he says,

                   “Humans are hard-wired to connect. Interacting with families and friends is as essential as food, water, and shelter. Through the 1970s, Americans seemed adept at forming social groups: political associations, labor unions, local memberships. Those bonds have faded. Weekly religious service attendance has fallen to 30% from 42% two decades ago. Marriage rates have plunged. ‘Third places’ — public gathering spots outside home and work — are disappearing.”

                For more than fifty years I have worked with men and their families. In my latest book, Long Live Men! The Moonshot Mission to Heal Men, Close the Lifespan Gap, and Offer Hope to Humanity, I say,

                   “Millions of men are lonely and isolated, and many aren’t even aware of it. Many of the most successful people I know, and have worked with, feel emotionally alone, but never slow down enough to let their feelings catch up with them.”

                I quoted Dr. Thomas Joiner, author of the book, Lonely at the Top: The High Cost of Men’s Success, who talked about the hidden problem that most men try and hide.

                   “Men’s main problem is not self-loathing, stupidity, greed, or any of the legions of other things they’re accused of. The problem, instead, is loneliness. As they age, they gradually lose contacts with friends and family, and here’s the important part, they don’t replenish them.”

                I grew up with a father who suffered in silence and in desperation took an overdose of sleeping pills when he felt increasingly hopeless and worthless. Although he didn’t die, our lives were never the same. I grew up wondering what happened to my father, when it would happen to me, and what I could do to help other families like mine.

                I got my first clues when I discovered a journal my father had written in the months leading up to his final act of desperation:

                   July 3: “Oh, Christ, if I could only give my son a decent education — a college decree with a love for books, a love for people, good, solid knowledge. No guidance was given to me. I slogged and slobbered and blundered through two-thirds of my life.”

                   August 8: “Sunday morning, my humanness has fled. I’m tired, hopelessly tired, surrounded by an immense brick wall, a blood-spattered brick world, splattered with my blood where I senselessly banged to find an opening, to find one loose brick, so I could feel the cool breeze and could stick out my hand and pluck a handful of wheat, but this brick wall is impregnable, not an ounce of mortar loosens, not a brick gives.”

                   November 9: “A hundred failures, an endless number of failures, until now, my confidence, my hope, my belief in myself, has run completely out. Middle aged, I stand and gaze ahead, numb, confused, and desperately worried. My hope and my life stream are both running desperately low, so low, so stagnant, that I hold my breath in fear, believing that the dark, blank curtain is about to descend.”

                   Men need support and safe places they can share their feelings and receive support and guidance before they become suicidal.

Losing 40,000 Men a Year to Suicide is a National Tragedy

                According to Richard V. Reeves, Founder of the American Institute for Boys and Men,

                   “Suicide is a gendered health crisis. Boys and men account for 80% of the deaths from suicide in the United States. This amounts to almost 40,000 male deaths a year, about the same as the loss of women’s lives from breast cancer.”

                In a recent post, Reeves backs up his assertion with a chart comparing male and female suicides within various age groups:

                “These are indeed very striking gender gaps,” says Reeves. “But in the age bands below that, the real change in recent years has been a dramatic rise in loss of life from suicide among young men. Suicide rates among young men have risen by a shocking 30% since 2010.”

Loneliness is Lucrative

                Scott Galloway says that “loneliness is lucrative” and offers startling and disturbing reflections on the website “Only Fans.”

                “Leonid Radvinsky, the secretive owner of OnlyFans, received a $700 million windfall last year, while the platform’s top tier of content creators — mostly women — earn millions annually,” says Galloway. “With $7.2 billion in annual gross revenue and just 46 employees, OnlyFans may be one of the most profitable companies on the planet. The site is viewed as a porn-centric hub where men pay women for sexual content. The company claims it’s giving creators and their 378 million fans (greater than the population of the U.S.) something more: an opportunity to forge ‘authentic connections’.”

The Price We Pay For Artificial Intimacy

              Yet these kinds of on-line, pay-to-play, connections do not satisfy our human need to bond with others and to find real lasting love. Instead, they create an addictive hunger that never gets satisfied and, like all addictions, leads to an increasing hunger for more intense stimulation.

                Men are especially vulnerable. The most unstable, violent societies have one thing in common: A large population of wounded, unhealed, men. We are creating millions of these lost souls. In her book, Strongmen: Mussolini to the Present, historian Ruth Ben-Ghiat says,

                   “Ours is the age of authoritarian rulers: self-proclaimed saviors of the nation who evade accountability while robbing their people of truth, treasure, and the protections of democracy. They promise law and order, then legitimize law-breaking by financial, sexual, and other predators.”

                 Comedian Elayne Boosler offers a humorous and insightful view of these gender differences.

                   “When women get depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.”

              Without healthy guidance from healthy male elders, our young boys and men are vulnerable. Richard Reeves of the American Institute for Boys and Men says,

                   “Forthcoming research from AIBM, shows that among men aged 15-34, more than half a million years of potential life are now being lost every year.”

              In my book, The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression, I say,

                   “Research demonstrates that up to 30 percent of boys and men, especially those in adolescence and midlife, exhibit symptoms of Irritable Male Syndrome. In its mildest forms, IMS can cause males to be moody and irritable. At its worst, it can lead to violence and suicide.”

What Can Be Done: Tapping Into Living Intelligence

              Many believe that the world is becoming too complex for humans to solve the many problems we face. They believe that artificial intelligence is the answer. While I believe that we should use whatever tools are available that have been shown to be most helpful, I don’t believe that artificial intelligence is the answer to our loneliness pandemic.

              Living intelligence is a force that has been with us for millions of years.  In their book, The Universe Story, mathematical cosmologist Dr. Brian Swimme and historian Dr. Thomas Berry tell us that life on Earth evolved 4 billion years ago and has continued ever since. They say the first humans evolved 2.6 million years ago followed by Homo sapiens 200,000 years ago.

              I do not believe we have tapped into all the wisdom that is available to us. In his book Pure Human: The Hidden Truth of Our Divinity, Power, and Destiny, scientist and author Gregg Braden has this to say:

              “We humans are an ancient and mysterious form of life. We’re the unlikely convergence of invisible thoughts, emotions, and imaginations woven into the fabric of tissue, bone, and blook that make possible our choices, and the consequences of our choices, each and every day of our lives.”

            Braden believes we are at a crucial choice point in human evolution that will determine our continued evolution or our demise.

                   “We now have at our fingertips the technology to alter ourselves — to rewrite the code of our DNA and the neural networks that define us — in ways that, once implemented, can never be reversed, and will forever change what it means to be human.”

             He concludes,

                   “By the year 2030, we will either have awakened to the truth of our untapped human potential, or we will be locked into a society of hybrid humans that has engineered away our powers of creativity, emotion, empathy, and intuition.”

There is Still Time to Get Real

              The Velveteen Rabbit (or How Toys Become Real) is a British children’s book written by Margery Williams. It chronicles the story of a stuffed rabbit’s desire to become real through the love of his owner. The story was first published in Harper’s Bazaar in 1921 featuring illustrations from Williams’ daughter Pamela Bianco, and the book was first published in 1922.

               I have always loved good books and know they will never be replayed by AI.

               Here is an excerpt that reminds me of how real love can change us all:

                “The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces.

                 “He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.

                  “What is REAL? asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

                  “Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

                  “Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

                “Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

                “Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

                 “It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

Getting Real: A Course for Men and Women Who Still Believe in Real Intimacy

                  For those who have visited my website, MenAlive.com, you have seen my introductory video, “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor.” I have learned that finding real lasting love isn’t easy and it takes courage and tenacity and guidance from elders.

                   My wife, Carlin, and I have been married now for 45 wonderful years. We described our own healing journey in my book, The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why the Best is Still to Come. I will be offering a new course for those who would like to improve their love lives. Whether you are in a relationship that could use some additional support or are looking for that special someone, I invite you to join me.

                   If you’re interested, drop me an email: Jed@MenAlive.com and put “Getting Real About Love” in the subject line and I will send you more details.

The post From Artificial Intelligence (AI) to (RI) Real Intimacy: Getting the Love You’ve Always Wanted appeared first on MenAlive.

                I have worked in the healthcare field for more than fifty years. I began my career working in addiction medicine. After working with men and women suffering from addictions to drugs like alcohol, heroin, and cocaine, I began to realize that addiction is not just about drugs.

                We know that people can have addictive relationships with food, work, and even sex and love. In my book, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions, I say,

                “When we find that our romantic relationships are a series of disappointments yet continue to pursue them, we are looking for love in all the wrong places. When we are overwhelmed by our physical attraction to a new person, when the chemistry feels fantastic, and we are sure that this time we have found someone who will make us whole, we are looking for love in all the wrong places.”

                In the book, I also quoted Dr. Stanton Peele, an authority on addiction who reminds us,

                “Many of us are addicts, only we don’t know it. We turn to each other out of the same needs that drive some people to drink and others to heroin. Interpersonal addiction — love addiction — is just about the most common yet least recognized form of addiction we know.”

                Now Dr. Raphael Cuomo has extended our understanding of addiction even further. In his book, Crave: The Hidden Biology of Addiction and Cancer, he says,

                “We live in a society saturated with addiction, but not just the kind that ends in emergency rooms or interventions. This is not only about heroin, meth, or alcohol. It is about the relentless cycle of stimulation and reward that defines ordinary life. Binge eating. Compulsive phone checking. Nightly glasses of wine. Doomscrolling. Sugar, caffeine, porn, social media validation, and manufactured outrage.”

                I had the opportunity to interview Dr. Cuomo. I asked him questions that I thought my readers would be most interested in learning about including the following:

• What first got you interested in the cancer connection and why is this connection both hidden and important?

• If you were talking to a group of guys, what are some of the things you would say to them about how the book could help them?

• Tell us in what ways food is a drug and what do we need to know to keep from becoming hooked?

• What is “Digital Dopamine” and why is it a hidden public health problem?

                You can watch my full interview with Dr. Cuomo here.

                Most of has have concerns about cancer, know someone who has been diagnosed with cancer, or have fears that we ignore or obsess about. Dr. Cuomo offers a new perspective I found very helpful. He says,

                “We often think of cancer as a genetic accident. A cell mutates, begins to divide uncontrollably, and escapes detection. The story is partially true. But it omits the most important questions:

                What makes the body permissive to that escape?

                Why does the immune system, which identifies and eliminates abnormal cells every day,                 begin to miss its targets?

                Why do repair systems fail to correct damaged DNA?

                Why does cellular growth shift from regulated to rebellious?”

                In ten, information-packed chapters, Dr. Cuomo answers these and many more questions that can help us understand the biology of addiction and cancer:

1. Molecular Scars
2. The Addicted Society
3. Craving is Chemical
4. Inflammation Nation
5. Food as a Drug
6. Digital Dopamine
7. Nicotine, Alcohol, and the Usual Suspects?
8. Beyond the Individual
9. Biology Can Change
10. The New Prevention

                In his concluding chapter, Dr. Cuomo says,

                “Prevention, as commonly understood, has struggled to match the evolving reality of cancer. Cancer involves more than external exposure. It arises from internal conditions. Disease takes hold when the body’s environment shifts toward permissiveness, inflammation becomes persistent, immune surveillance weakens, insulin signaling grows erratic, and repair mechanisms fall behind damage. These issues arise collectively, resulting from behavioral, emotional, and structural patterns repeated consistently over time.”

                For more information about Dr. Cuomo and his work, you can visit him here: https://raphaelcuomo.com/

                You can watch my interview with Dr. Cuomo here: https://youtu.be/GLuHclBPH4U

                If you would like to subscribe to my free weekly newsletter and read more articles about physical, mental, emotional, and relational health, you may do so here:

                https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/

The post The Hidden Biology of Addiction and Cancer appeared first on MenAlive.

                Dan Buettner is an educator, explorer, National Geographic Fellow, and author of numerous books including, The Blue Zones: Secrets for Living Longer—Lessons From the Healthiest Places on Earth.

                “In the early 2000s I set out to reverse engineer longevity,” says Buettner. “Rather than searching for answers in a test tube or a petri dish, I looked for them among populations that have achieved what we want — long, healthy lives, and sharp brains until the end.”

                After locating the world’s blue zones areas, Buettner and National Geographic took teams of scientists to each location to pinpoint lifestyle characteristics that might explain the unusual longevity. They found that though the blue zones communities are located in vastly different parts of the world, their residents share nine specific traits that lead to longer, healthier, happier lives. These traits are called the Power 9.

1. Move Naturally — “The world’s longevity all-stars don’t pump iron, run marathons, or join gyms,” says Buettner. “Instead, they live in environments that constantly nudge them into moving without thinking about it.”
2. Purpose — “People in the blue zones don’t wake up feeling rudderless. They’re interested in family, keeping their minds engaged. The Nicoyans called it plan de vida and the Okinawans called it Ikigai. For both, it translates to ‘why I wake up in the morning.’”
3. Downshift — “Even people in the blue zones experience stress. But what the world’s longest-lived people have that we don’t are routines to shed that stress. Ikarians take a nap and Sardinians do happy hour. Costa Ricans have a knack for creating happy moments every day.”
4. 80% Rule — “Eat until you’re 80% full. Unlike most Americans, who keep eating until their stomachs are full, traditional Okinawans stop as soon as they no longer feel hungry.”
5. Plant Slant — “Until the late 20^th century, the diets of every blue zone consisted almost entirely of minimally processed plant-based foods–mostly whole grains, greens, nuts, tubers, and beans.”
6. Wine @ 5 — People in the blue zones (except Adventists) drink alcohol moderately and regularly. The trick, if you do drink, is to drink one to two glasses per day with friends and food.”
7. Belong — “Healthy centenarians everywhere have faith. All but a handful of the centenarians we’ve interviewed belonged to a faith-based community. Denomination doesn’t seem to matter.”
8. Loved Ones First — “Successful centenarians in the blue zones put their families first. This means keeping aging parents and grandparents nearby or in the home.”
9. Right Tribe — “One of the most profound, measurable, and long-lasting things you can do to adopt a blue zones lifestyle is to build a social circle around yourself that supports healthy eating, activity, and emotional well-being.”

                These are all worth exploring. Those that work for you, build into your life. Yet, it is not easy to live with these healthy practices in today’s world.

The Rise of Domination Systems Throughout the World

                Social systems scientist Riane Eisler, one of the most original thinkers of our time, first wrote about the two contrasting systems in our world in her book, The Chalice & The Blade: Our History, Our Future:

                “The first, which I call the dominator model, is what is popularly termed either patriarchy or matriarchy — the ranking of one half of humanity over the other. The second, in which social relations are primarily based on the principle of linking rather than ranking, may best be described as the partnership model.In this model — beginning with the most fundamental difference in our species, between male and female — diversity is not equated with either inferiority or superiority.”

                In her most recent book written with anthropologist Douglas Fry, Nurturing Our Humanity: How Domination and Partnership Shape Our Brains, Lives, and Future, they say that for most of our two-million-year history humans have lived in balance with nature in true partnership. But in the last six thousand years 6,000 years (less than 1% of our history) domination systems have been on the rise.

Planet Aqua: Rethinking Our Home in the Universe

                Like Riane Eisler, Jeremy Rifkin is a maverick social scientist who is changing the way we perceive our world. He is the author of 23 books including The Empathic Civilization, The Age of Resilience and most recently Planet Aqua: Rethinking Our Home in the Universe.

                 Rifkin says that when humans decided to attempt to tame the vast waters of our planet six-thousand years ago, it set in motion a time-bomb of destruction that is causing damage that puts our very existence at risk. Jane Goodall, Founder of the Jane Goodall Institute and UN Messenger of Peace, says,

                “Planet Aqua will shock most people. Rifkin points out that instead of living on a land planet, we actually live on a water planet — fresh, salt, and frozen — and this changes all of our long-held beliefs. Now, climate change is rapidly disrupting the hydrosphere, taking us into a foreboding future of floods, droughts, heatwaves, wildfires, and hurricanes, pushing many species to extinction, including our own.”

Nature Bats Last: The Imminent Collapse of Hydraulic Civilization

                “Our earliest ancestors were animists and conceived of the world around them as alive, vibrant, and brimming with spirits continually interacting in a boundaryless nature, of which our species’ agency was intimately intertwined,” says Jeremy Rifkin. “Six millennia ago along the Euphrates and Tigris Rivers in what is now Turkey and Iraq and, shortly thereafter, the Nile River in Egypt, the Ghaggar-Hakra and Indus rivers in the Indus Valley, the Yellow River in the Huang He Valley of China and later across the Roman Empire, our forebears began to harness the planetary waters for the exclusive use of our humanity. Now, in the grips of a warming planet, brought on in large part by a fossil fuel-driven water/energy/food nexus, the urban hydraulic civilization is collapsing in real time.”

                Anthropologist Joseph Tainter studied numerous civilizations throughout history and recognized patterns of collapse which he described in his book The Collapse of Complex Societies. In The Fate of Empires and the Search for Survival, Sir John Glubb noted a similar pattern, that all “superpowers” from ancient Persia to the Roman and British Empires, collapsed after ten generations or approximately 250 years.

                Thomas Berry was a “geologian” and a historian of religions. He spoke eloquently to our connection to the Earth and the consequences of our failure to remember we are one member in the community of life.

                “We never knew enough. Nor were we sufficiently intimate with all our cousins in the great family of the earth. Nor could we listen to the various creatures of the earth, each telling its own story. The time has now come, however, when we will listen or we will die.”

                Another visionary who has been sounding the alarm about the times in which we live is evolutionary scientist, Rebecca D. Costa. In her book, The Watchman’s Rattle: A Radical New Theory of Collapse, she says,

                “The uneven rate of change between the slow evolution human biology and the rapid rate at which societies advance eventually causes progress to come to a standstill.”

                She quotes her mentor world-renowned biologist E.O. Wilson, who has been called “the Darwin of the 21^st Century.” According to Wilson,

                “The real problem of humanity is that we have paleolithic emotions; medieval institutions; and god-like technology.”

                In an article I wrote about Cost’s work, “We Can Handle the Truth,” I quoted her:

                “From an evolutionary perspective, social progress moves fast, but our brains — the apparatus that must process all this new information — evolve over millions of years. So, while the world is changing in picoseconds, my brain is struggling to keep up.”

                This is the underlying reason, she believes, that all complex civilizations eventually come to an end.

The Truth Can Set You Free: Who Do You Choose to Be?

                I wrote about the collapse in numerous articles including, “How You Can Survive and Thrive as the Ship of Civilization Collapses.” In the article I introduced readers to another visionary leader, Margaret J. Wheately, who more than anyone I know tells the truth about what we face and guides us towards a better future.

                “This is the Age of Threat,” says Wheatley, “when everything we encounter intensifies fear and anger. In survival mode, we flee from one another, abandon values that held us together, withdraw from ideas and practices that encouraged inclusion and created trust in leaders. And, most harmfully, we stop believing in one another.”

                She recognized that what we are seeing in the U.S. today is following the same pattern of collapse after 250 years of domination that were recognized by other experts.

                But there is a better way. As Jeremy Rifkin says,

                “We must give up our belief that it is our duty to dominate and control nature and reconnect as partners in all life on Earth. We must rethink the waters as a ‘life source’ rather than another ‘resource’ to exploit and learn to adapt to the hydrosphere rather than trying to get the hydrosphere to adapt to us.”

                 We must find our tribe outside the confines of “civilization.” The captains of “Ship of Civilization” would have us believe that even if the Ship is sinking, we might as well go down with the ship because we are all doomed (except the captains who imagine they will survive and thrive as the rest of us go under). That is the big lie of civilization. As my vision showed me, there are millions of alternatives and more and more lifeboats in the water every day, but you won’t learn about them in the corporate-controlled media. You can learn more here.

                Each of us must claim our own path of service. Only by joining with others who have the courage to face the truth and to become “warriors of the human spirit,” as Margaret Wheatly call us, can we work together to create “Islands of sanity.”

                We must act now, or we will be swept away by the currents of change. Wheatley says,

                “My aspiration is for you to see clearly so that you may act wisely. If we don’t know where we are, if we don’t know what to prepare for, then any path we choose will keep us wandering in the wilderness, increasingly desperate, increasingly lost.”

                One positive action you can take now is to learn about a new course that Wheatley will be offering. Claiming Your Path of Service: Choosing to Serve This Age of Collapse and Possibility, developed with the extraordinary platform Advaya.life.”

                You can also follow my own work and offerings at MenAlive.com. I look forward to hearing from you. If you have not yet subscribed to my free weekly newsletter you may do so here.

The post Blue Zones, Planet Aqua, and the End of American Empire: Finding Your Purpose in Today’s World appeared first on MenAlive.

                You don’t even have to watch the news to know that things are not going well in our world. The signs of collapse are all around us. There are two ways most people respond: (1) Close your eyes, put your head in the sand, and pretend that all is well, or hope that some magical solution will be invented to fix things quickly and easily (2) Redirect your fear, rage and despair to someone or something you can blame for our problems, or try and escape into one diverting fantasy after another and temporarily calm your nerves.

                There is another choice that is more effective, but not for the faint of heart. It begins when we face the truth about our present situation. I got my own wakeup call more than thirty years ago. Here’s how I described it in my latest book, Long Live Men! The Moonshot Mission to Heal Men, Close the Lifespan Gap, and Offer Hope to Humanity:

                “In 1993 I attended a Men’s Leaders’ Conference in Indianapolis, Indiana. One of the activities offered was a traditional Native-American sweat lodge ceremony where we ask for guidance and support for ourselves and our communities. I had the following life-changing vision.

                We are all on a huge ocean liner. Everything we know and have ever known is on the ship. People are born and die. Goods and services are created, wars are fought, and elections are held and disputed. Species come into being and face extinction. The ship steams on and on, and there is no doubt that it will continue on its present course forever.

                There are many decks on the ship, starting way down in the boiler room where the poorest and grimiest toil to keep the ship going. As you ascend the decks, things get lighter and easier. The people who run the ship have suites on the very top deck. Their job, as they see it, is to keep the ship going and keep those on the lower decks in their proper places. Since they are at the top, they are sure they deserve to acquire more and more of the resources of the earth.

                Everyone on the lower decks aspires to get up to the next deck and hungers to get to the very top. That’s the way it is. That’s the way it has always been. That’s the way it will always be. However, there are a few people who realize that something very strange is happening. What they come to know is that the ship is sinking. At first, like everyone else, they can’t believe it. The ship has been afloat since time before time. It is the best of the best. That it could sink is unthinkable. Nonetheless, they are sure the ship is sinking.

                They try to warn the people, but no one believes them. The ship cannot be sinking, and anyone who thinks so must be mentally ill. When they persist in trying to warn the people of what they are facing, those in charge of the ship silence them and lock them up. The ship’s media keeps grinding out news stories describing how wonderful the future will be. Any problems that are occurring will surely be solved with the wonders of our civilized, technological lifestyle.

                The leaders of the ship smile, wave, and promise prosperity for all. But water is beginning to seep in from below. The higher the water rises, the more frightened the people become and the more frantically they scramble to get to the upper decks. Some believe it is the end and actually welcome the prospect of the destruction of life as we know it. They believe it is the fulfillment of religious prophesy. Others become increasingly irritable, angry, and depressed. Like caged rats they bite their own tails and those of their cage mates who appear to be a threat.

                But as the water rises, those who have been issuing the warnings can no longer be silenced. More people escape confinement and lead others toward the lifeboats. Though there are enough boats for all, many people are reluctant to leave the ship. Many questions are asked. “The old stories tell us that we’ve been on this ship for more than six thousand years, isn’t it safer to stay aboard? Could things really be so bad that we must leave? Where will we go? Who will lead us? What if this is all there is?”

                Nevertheless, the Ship is sinking. Many people go over the side and are lowered down to the boats. As they descend, they are puzzled to see lettering on the side of the ship: T-I-T-A-N-I-C. When they reach the lifeboats, many are frightened and look for someone who looks like they know what to do. They’d like to ride with those people.

                However, they find that each person must get into their own boat and row away from the ship in their own direction. If they don’t get away from the ship as soon as possible, they will be pulled down with it. When everyone who wants to leave, each in their own boats, rowing in their own direction, reaches their own place in the ocean, they begin to create a new, partnership, web. It will be the basis for a new way of life that will replace the life that was lived on the old ship of civilization.“

Here’s What I’ve Learned That Has Helped Me Survive and Thrive

                1. “Civilization” is a misnomer. Its proper name is the “Dominator Model.” 

                In her international best-selling book, The Chalice & The Blad: Our History. Our Future, originally published in 1987, historian Riane Eisler said,

                “Underlying the great surface diversity of human culture are two basic models of society. The first I call the dominator model, what is popularly termed either patriarchy or matriarchy — the ranking of one half of humanity over the other. The second, in which social relations are primarily based on the principle of linking may best be described as the partnership model.”

                You can view my podcast with Riane and her team at the Center for Partnership Systems here.

                2. There is a better world beyond civilization.

                In 1992, I was given the book Ishmael, by Daniel Quinn. I got a clear sense of the two worlds that are competing for our attention: A world where hierarchy and dominance rule (Quinn calls it the world of the Takers) and a world where equality and connection rule (Quinn calls it the world of the Leavers. In his book, Beyond Civilization: Humanity’s Next Great Adventure, Quinn says,

                “Beyond civilization isn’t a geographical space up in the mountains or on some remote isle. It’s a cultural space that opens up among people with new minds.”

                This is not a time to give up. It is time to reach out!

                3. Do not lose heart. We were made for these times.

                Clarissa Pinkola Estes, author of Women Who Run with the Wolves, wrote this inspiring letter to all of us who are concerned about the future. She said in part:

                “My friends, do not lose heart. We were made for these times. I have heard from so many recently who are deeply and properly bewildered. They are concerned about the state of affairs in our world now. Ours is a time of almost daily astonishment and often righteous rage over the latest degradations of what matters most to civilized, visionary people.

                “I grew up on the Great Lakes and recognize a seaworthy vessel when I see one. Regarding awakened souls, there have never been more able vessels in the waters than there are right now across the world. And they are fully provisioned and able to signal one another as never before in the history of humankind.

                “Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.”

                4. Rethink our relationship with planet Earth.

                According to world-renowned author and social scientist, Jeremy Rifkin,

                “We have long believed that we live on a land planet, when in reality we live on a water planet, and now the Earth’s hydrosphere is taking us into a mass extinction as it searches for a new normal.”

                In his important and timely book, Planet Aqua: Rethinking Our Home in the Universe, Rifkin says that we must give up our belief that it is our duty to dominate and control nature and reconnect as partners in all life on Earth. He says,

                “We must rethink the waters as a ‘life source’ rather than another ‘resource’ to exploit and learn to adapt to the hydrosphere rather than trying to get the hydrosphere to adapt to us.”

                5. Find your tribe outside the confines of civilization.

                The rulers of civilization would have us believe that even if the Ship is sinking, we might as well go down with it because there really are no better choices. That is the big lie of civilization. As my vision showed me, there are millions of alternatives and more and more lifeboats in the water every day, but you won’t learn about them in the corporate-controlled media. You can learn more here.

                6. Claim your path of service.

                We must act now, or we will be swept away by the currents of change. In her book, Who Do We Choose to Be? Facing Reality, Claiming Leadership, Restoring Sanity, my longtime colleague and friend, Margaret J. Wheatley says,

                “My aspiration is for you to see clearly so that you may act wisely. If we don’t know where we are, if we don’t know what to prepare for, then any path we choose will keep us wandering in the wilderness, increasingly desperate, increasingly lost.”

                Margaret sent me a recent email:

                “I am grateful to announce a new, self-paced course available starting October 5, 2025, Claiming Your Path of Service: Choosing to Serve This Age of Collapse and Possibility, developed with the extraordinary platform Advaya.life.”

                If you would like to learn more about my own work, I invite you to join me at MenAlive.com

The post How You Can Survive and Thrive as the Ship of Civilization Sinks appeared first on MenAlive.

                For too long we have failed to pay attention to problems faced by boys and men. In his ground-breaking book, Of Boys and Men: Why The Modern Male is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do About It, Richard V. Reeves says,

              “I have been worried about boys and men for 25 years. That comes with the territory when you raise three boys. It has become clear to me that there are growing numbers of boys and men who are struggling in school, at work, and in the family. I used to fret about three boys and young men. Now I am worried about millions.”

                The good news is that things are changing rapidly. When I launched MenAlive in 1972, there were few programs focused on the health of boys and men. Now there are many. Reeves’ book was published in 2022. He went on to become the founding Director of the Institute for Boys and Men and has influenced the work of NYU professor Scott Galloway. Lately, we are seeing more and more attention focused on males.

                However, for those who have been studying the wellbeing of boys and men for many years, there are also serious new problems we must address. Founded by Gary Barker in 2011 as Promundo US, Equimundo works to achieve gender equality and social justice by transforming intergenerational patterns of harm and promoting patterns of care, empathy, and accountability among boys and men throughout their lives.

                Equimundo recently published their latest study, “The State of American Men 2025″. I recently interviewed Gary Barker and you can watch the full interview here.

                Some of the important findings of the study that Gary and I discussed include the following:

• Economic anxiety is at the forefront of men’s worries.

              Anxiety around not being able to financially secure their and their families’ future is linked to lack of purpose, higher suicidal ideation, and feelings of being an inadequate caregiver.

• Being a provider is the key trait of manhood today.

               Even though men and women recognize the importance of expanding their roles to include caregiving and other activities, the provider role is still seen as primary. Men who are unable to fulfill that role often feel they are failures.  

• Men are isolated, feel no one cares about them, and are pessimistic about their romantic prospects.

              Men and women lack social connection and feel unworthy of love; for men this is especially acute. Many males feel inadequate with females and believe that things are stacked against them. Difficulty making and keeping intimate relationships impacts all aspects of a man’s life.

• Pressure to be a provider and economic anxiety are exacerbated by male involvement on social media.

              Spending more time online often perpetuates males comparing themselves to perceived ideals. Young men (and women) find that social media adds to their feelings of inadequacy.

• Many men fear being called out or canceled.

              Men face tremendous anxiety that they will be called out, which is likely fueling their backlash against diversity and equality.

• Economic worries are strongly linked to suicidal ideation.

Men who face financial instability are 16.3 times as likely to have had suicidal thoughts in in the past two weeks.

Up Close and Personal: These Findings Cut Very Close to Home

                When I was five years old, my midlife father took an overdose of sleeping pills. He had become increasingly irritable, angry, and depressed because he couldn’t support his family doing the work that he loved. Though he didn’t die, he was hospitalized at Camarillo State Mental Hospital, north of our home in Los Angeles.

              I went with my uncle every Sunday to visit my father, charged by my mother, to

              “Help your father. He needs you.”

              But my own 5-year-old’s efforts to save my father didn’t work and he continued to get worse.

              I didn’t understand what happened to my dad but was terrified that whatever happened to him would someday happen to me. I have spent my life doing everything I could to figure out the roots of male violence, particularly why it gets turned inward, for men who want to end their suffering by ending their lives.

              After having written fourteen books about men’s health, I finally addressed the issues that had driven me for so long. In my fifteenth book, My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound, I shared the journals I found as an adult that began to pull back the curtain of confusion I had lived with all my life.

              Years after my father had escaped from the mental hospital where he had been locked up, I found the journals he had written before his final act of despair. Every time I read them, I feel closer to my dad, two men, father and son, struggling to be good men and support their families. I also feel deep sadness as I watch him slipping closer to the edge of hopelessness. In his last journal, I found these entries:

              July 3, 1948:

              “Oh, Christ, if I can only give my son a decent education — a college degree with a love for books, a love for people, good, solid knowledge. No guidance was given to me. I slogged and slobbered and blundered through two-thirds of my life.”

              July 24, 1948:

              “Edie dear, Johnny dear, [my birth name before I changed it to Jed] I love you so much, but how do I get the bread to support you? The seed of despair is part of my heritage. It lies sterile for months and then it gnaws until its bitter fruit chokes my throat and swells in me like a large goiter blacking out room for hopes, dreams, joy, and life itself.”

              August 8, 1948:

              “Sunday morning, my humanness has fled, my sense of comedy has gone down the drain. I’m tired, hopelessly tired, surrounded by an immense brick wall, a blood-spattered brick world, splattered with my blood, with the blood of my head where I senselessly banged to find an opening, to find one loose brick, so I could feel the cool breeze and could stick out my hand and pluck a handful of wheat, but this brick wall is impregnable, not an ounce of mortar loosens, not a brick gives.”

              December 8, 1948:

              “Your flesh crawls, your scalp wrinkles when you look around and see good writers, established writers, writers with credits a block long, unable to sell, unable to find work, Yes, it’s enough to make anyone blanch, turn pale, and sicken.”

              February 24, 1949:

              “Faster, faster, faster, I walk. I plug away looking for work, anything to support my family. I try, try, try, try, try. I always try and never stop.”

              June 12, 1949:

              “Middle aged, I stand and gaze ahead, numb, confused, and desperately worried. All around me I see the young in spirit, the young in heart, with ten times my confidence, twice my youth, ten times my fervor, twice my education. I see them all, a whole army of them, battering at the same doors I’m battering, trying in the same field I’m trying. Yes, on a Sunday morning in June, my hope and my life stream are both running desperately low, so low, so stagnant, that I hold my breath in fear, believing that the dark, blank curtain is about to descend.”

              Like so many men I’ve worked with, including myself, men tend to blame themselves when we are unable to fulfill our role as “breadwinner.” We don’t recognize the larger economic trends that restrict us or the system-created “man box” that keeps so many of us isolated.

              Much has changed since my father was hospitalized. Many things have improved, but there are new challenges men face now that were not present when my father was confronting his inner demons. I carry both his hopes and dreams and the weight of his despair. I am blessed to have fulfilled his dreams for a good education and the support of family, friends, and colleagues. Yet there is much still to do. I hope you’ll join us.

              You can read the full study from Equimundo here:

              https://www.equimundo.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/06/State-of-American-Men-2025.pdf

              You can read my interview with Gary Barker here:

              https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBvk5GY3XbI

              You can sign up for my weekly newsletter with my latest articles here:

              https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/

              You can read about my father’s and my healing journey here:

              https://diamondprograms.podia.com/healing-father-wound

The post The State of American Males in 2025: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly appeared first on MenAlive.

                I first learned about Project Heaven on Earth when a colleague wrote to me about a friend who was interested in meeting me, but who had not gotten any response to his previous emails. I hadn’t received the emails, so asked him to write again, which he did.

                After reading about Project Heaven on Earth and its founder Martin Rutte, we met for a brief chat, and it became very clear that Martin was a kindred spirit, and our meeting would be the beginning of a long-term collaboration. I knew I wanted to do an interview with Martin for my podcast, and I ordered his book, Project Heaven on Earth: The 3 simple questions that will help you change the world…easily.

                It was a wonderfully informative interview that you can watch here.

                I will admit that I was a bit put off by the book title. Heaven on Earth seemed a bit Airy-Fairy and religious. I’m also put off by programs that promise simple solutions to the world’s problems. “Three simple questions that will help you change the world…easily”?  Give me a break.

                I felt a little better when I saw that the book’s Foreword was written by Jack Canfield, a long-time colleague who created the Chicken Soup for the Soul series, which has more than 250 titles and 500 million copies in print. I soon learned that Martin has had a very successful business career both in the U.S. and Canada.

                He has worked with such organizations as The World Bank, Sony Pictures Entertainment, Southern California Edison, Virgin Records, Apple Computer, Esso Petroleum, and London Life Insurance helping them expand their outlook and position themselves for the future. He is also the co-author of The New York Times Business Bestseller, Chicken Soup for the Soul at Work, with sales of over 1.1 million copies and translations into 15 languages.

                In his book, Project Heaven on Earth, Martin offers a clear and honest look at the challenges we face:

                “Humanity is at a crossroads. I’m deeply concerned about the state of our world and pained about the direction we’ve been taking. The sufferings of the world seem overwhelming, they continue and continue — war, hunger, poverty, the threat of global financial collapse. Resignation is being stockpiled. Hope is in short supply. Optimism is hiding in a cave.”

                Martin goes on to say,

                “I believe what’s needed to move us forward at this point in our evolution is the birthing of a new possibility for our world — a new story of what it means to be human (an individual) and what it means to be Humanity (the human condition). I capitalize ‘Humanity’ because I want us to start thinking about experiencing us as one family with extraordinary potential.”

                Here’s how Martin describes Project Heaven on Earth:

                “Project Heaven on Earth as a Noun: This Project is a thing you do, something you put your energy into. It’s a vehicle for the alignment of Humanity.

                “Project Heaven on Earth as a Verb: You project yourself, your Being, your intention, into the world to build the world of your dreams and yearnings.”

                He concludes:

                “The intention of Project Heaven on Earth is to collectively change Humanity’s current story from one that doesn’t work for a great number of people (hunger, war, poverty, etc.) to one that works for you, me, and everyone.”

Addressing the Three Questions of Project Heaven on Earth

                Martin invites us to address the following three questions:

                Question 1: Recall a time when you experienced Heaven on Earth. What was happening? Describe what happened, how it felt, how you perceived the world. What was your experience of yourself, of others, of life?

                Question 2: Imagine you have a magic wand and with it you can create Heaven on Earth. What is Heaven on Earth for you? Take as much time as you need with this. Open your heart. Let your mind go. Marinate in what Heaven on Earth is for you. What would be present, what would disappear and no longer exist, and what would newly appear?

                Question 3: What simple, easy, concrete step (s) will you take in the next 24 hours to make Heaven on Earth real? By making the step simple, by making it one you know you can do and by doing it within 24 hours, you’ve actually begun creating Heaven on Earth. Take a baby step. It’s as simple as that.

                Here are my answers to the three questions Martin invited me to address:

Question 1: Recall a time when you experienced Heaven on Earth. What was happening?

                Heaven on Earth began for me when I fell in love with a young woman in 1965. I was a twenty-one-year-old senior, and she was a seventeen-year-old freshman at the beautiful, newly created campus, at U.C. Santa Barbara. My beloved and I talked about children and agreed we wanted to have a child and, given that the world already had children who needed a home with loving parents, we wanted to adopt a child.

                Fast forward to Kaiser Hospital in Vallejo. Following graduation, we married, my wife became pregnant, and I was coaching my wife through the relaxation and breathing techniques we had learned in the Lamaze child-birthing classes. After many hours of labor, we were told it was time for my wife to move into the delivery room. I still remember the words of the nurse.

                “OK, Mr. Diamond, your work is done now. You can go to the waiting-room, and we’ll let you know when your child arrives.”

                I was sorry to have to leave at this point, but we had been told the rules. Fathers were not allowed in the delivery room. I kissed my wife, wished her and the baby well, and told her I would see her soon. She was wheeled in one direction, and I went the other way.

                But as I was going through the waiting-room doors, something stopped me. I felt the call of my unborn child telling me:

                “I don’t want a waiting-room father. Your place is here with us.”

                I immediately turned around and made my way to the delivery room. I came in and took my place at the head of the table as my wife began the final stages to bring our child into the world.

                There was no question about my leaving. I knew where I belonged. No hospital rules were going to keep me away. It didn’t take long for the final push and our son, Jemal, was born amid tears of joy and relief. Holding him for the first time I made a vow that I would be a different kind of father than my father was able to be for me and to do everything I could to help create a world where fathers were fully engaged with their families throughout their lives. Two-and-a-half years later, we adopted a two-month-old, African American baby girl, who we named Angela.

                For me this Heaven on Earth experience began with the magic of falling in love, which opened our hearts to wanting to share that love with a child we birthed and with a child who needed a loving family. It culminated with the spirit of our soon-to-be born son calling me to break the rules in the service of love and connection and our reaching outside our comfort zone to find and adopt our beautiful daughter.  

Question 2: Imagine you have a magic wand and with it you can create Heaven on Earth. What is Heaven on Earth for you?

                For me, Heaven on Earth is a world of fathers who are fully healed and lovingly connected with themselves, their families, the community of life on planet Earth.  

                In my book, The Warrior’s Journey Home: Healing Men Healing the Planet I quoted my friend and colleague Sam Keen, author of Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man,

                “The radical vision of the future rests on the belief that the logic that determines either our survival or our destruction is simple:

1. The new human vocation is to heal the earth.
2. We can only heal what we love.
3. We can only love what we know.
4. We can only know what we touch.”

                Heaven on Earth is the end of war as we’ve known it and a new kind of warriorship. In The Warrior’s Journey Home, I quoted Buddhist meditation master Chögyam Trungpa.

                “Warriorship here does not refer to making war on others. Aggression is the source of our problems, not the solution. Here the word ‘warrior’ is taken from the Tibetan pawo which literally means ‘one who is brave.’ Warriorship in this context is the tradition of human bravery, or the tradition of fearlessness.” Trungpa concludes, saying, “Warriorship is not being afraid of who you are.”

Question 3: What simple, easy, concrete step (s) will you take in the next 24 hours to make Heaven on Earth real?

                I will share the answers to these three questions with Martin Rutte and continue exploring ways to collaborate to bring Heaven on Earth for all.  

                You can connect with Martin Rutte and his work here: https://projectheavenonearth.com/

                You can watch my interview with Martin here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4Krt5t4aYM

                You can receive my free weekly newsletter and read my latest articles here: https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/

The post My Project Heaven on Earth Began When I Fell in Love appeared first on MenAlive.

                I have been a marriage counselor for more than fifty years. When I finished graduate school in 1968, I had great hopes of helping couples fulfill their vows to “live happily ever after.” I married my college sweetheart in 1966, and we looked forward to having children and growing old together. It didn’t turn out that way. We successfully managed the “growing old” part, but our marriage didn’t survive. If you visit my website, you can watch my introductory welcome video, “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor.”

                It is not that counselors are holding back on sharing the good news about how to have successful, long-term, relationships. It is because we know the theory of how to “live happily ever after,” we just haven’t been successful in practicing what we preach.

                Most people know that the chances of having a long and happy marriage are not good. The statistics tell a disheartening story.

                “Since 1955 the divorce rate in American has been hovering around fifty percent.”

                These are the first words of an incredibly powerful and hopeful documentary by Emmy-nominated duo, Chris Brickler and Michael Romero. The film explores the lives and livelihood of Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, two of the most prominent pioneers in the world of relationship communications for the past 40 years.

                I first met Harville and Helen in 1988 shortly after the publication of their best-selling book, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. We have been friends and colleagues ever since. Like my wife, Carlin and I, Harville and Helen had both been divorced before they met and married. What I learned from reading their book (and reinforced by reading all their other books), has enabled Carlin and I to have a long and joyful marriage. We’re still going strong after forty-five years together and continue to practice the simple, let profound skills, that Harville and Helen have developed.

                I have interviewed Helen and Harville numerous times in the past. I recently had the good fortune to interview Harville alone when Helen was unable to join us because she was called unexpectedly to speak at another event. Harville and I had the opportunity to discuss more deeply some the things men can do to live happily ever after.

                In addition to working with couples, my work in the field of Gender-Specific Medicine and Men’s Health, focuses a lot on helping men. Our colleagues John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman had an interesting thing to say about men:

                “What men do in relationships is, by a large margin, the crucial factor that separates a great relationship from a failed one. This does not mean that a woman doesn’t need to do her part, but the data proves that a man’s actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship succeeds or fails, which is ironic, since most relationship books are for women. That’s kind of like doing open-heart surgery on the wrong patient.”

                So, what is the simple secret for divorce-proofing your marriage? The secret is having safe conversations. As Helen and Harville remind us, the most dangerous things humans do with each other is talk. They explain in their wonderful book, Making Marriage Simple,

                “We need to create safe spaces to talk with each other. By safety, we mean two people living in relationship with neither feeling hurt, criticized, or put down by the other. When your partner doesn’t feel safe, they put up their defenses. Healing happens only in safe environments.”

                This is easier said than done.

The Heart of Dialogue: The New Film That Can Change the World For Good

                I was excited when I recently received an email from Harville and Helen: “Today is the global premiere for the “The Heart of Dialogue,” a new 70-minute documentary of Harville and Helen’s storied life. I love books. I’ve written seventeen of my own and I recommend all the books that Harville and Helen have written. But there’s nothing like being with them in person. Watch the film and you will find yourself being up-close and personal with Helen and Harville and the participants in one of their workshops.

                But that’s not all, you will be introduced to a new technology that will allow you, and millions of others, to interact with Helen and Harville now and in the future. Though I’ve known Helen and Harville for years, I had not heard of Chris Brickler and Michael Romero. I’d like to introduce them to you now. Their work is exciting and lifechanging.

                Chris is an Emmy-nominated producer and director of documentaries, dramatic shorts, and music and commercial videos. He is currently Founder & CEO of Mynd Immersive, a technology startup that provides immersive experiences for seniors to improve cognitive function & quality of life. For most of his professional career, Chris has been a leader in bringing groundbreaking new technologies to market. His latest endeavor is called Eternalize, an AI-lab that creates, preserves and powers the interactive digital twins of cherished loved ones and public personalities for future generations.

                Michael is also an Emmy-nominated producer and director of documentaries. He has spent his career in business development. He has built some of the largest brands in consumer goods, medical devices, and technology industries. Michael is also part of the Externalize team.

                The gifts that Harville and Helen have given to millions of couples all over the world would make them my heroes forever. But they didn’t stop after helping us save our marriages. They recognized that what worked for our most intimate relationships could work for all our relationships — with those we love and those we distrust and fear.

                In their book, How to Talk with Anyone About Anything: The Practice of Safe Conversations, they say,

                “Pandemics, warfare, natural disasters, and political upheaval have driven us apart, isolated us, and sent us fleeing for shelter. Far too often these days, you may find yourself feeling stressed out, burned out, and checked out.”

                I have certainly felt that way many times and have felt despair about the future of humanity. One of the greatest dangers I see is that consciously or unconsciously more and more people believe that humanity is doomed. But Helen and Harville’s Safe Conversations can not only save our marriages, but could even help create a safer world now and forever.

                “Clearly, we need a way to restore safety and civility to our daily interactions so we can talk to one another without triggering arguments or violence. Our method for doing this is to replace one-way monologue conversations with two-way dialogues that put you on a path to safer and more productive interactions and relationships.”

                We can each take a step in the direction of the future we all want and help, in the words of my colleague Charles Eisenstein, to create “the more beautiful world our hearts know is possible.” If you choose, you can begin now.

                You can watch the film here.

                You can learn more about Harville and Helen here.

                You can learn more about having safe conversations here.

                You can learn more about me and my work here.

                If you would like to read more articles like these, I invite you to subscribe to my free weekly newsletter here.

The post How to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage: The Simple Secret Your Marriage Counselor Won’t Tell You appeared first on MenAlive.

                For more than fifty years I have enjoyed a successful career in the emerging field of Genders-Special Medicine and Men’s Health. In a recent article, “Men’s Work: Why I Do What I Do,” I responded to a request by a colleague to answer these two questions:

1. Why Do What You Do?
2. What Do You Receive?

                Like many colleagues I know in the “helping professions,” I developed an early interest in helping others when a family crisis turned my world upside down. When I was five years old my mid-life father took an overdose of sleeping pills after he had become increasingly depressed when he couldn’t find work to support his family. Though he didn’t die, our lives were never the same.

                My father was committed to Camarillo State Mental Hospital, north of our home in Los Angeles. My uncle Harry visited my father every Sunday and I was charged by my mother to go with him. I was confused and scared and asked my mother why I had to go. She told me:

                “Because your father needs you.”

                She also thanked me for being her “Good Little Man,” a role that caused a great deal of stress, confusion, and unachievable demands I have made towards myself over the years.

                I grew up wondering what happened to my father, when it would happen to me and what I could do to keep it from happening to other men and their families. My own healing journey and what I’ve learned is reflected in my most popular books and on-line courses:

• The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression.

• Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions.

• My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound.

• “Heal The Irritable Male Syndrome.”

• “Navigating The 5 Stages of Love.”

• “Healing the Family Father Wound.”

                As a child thrust in the role of caregiver long before I was capable of helping anyone, I learned to sacrifice my own needs to care for others. The old adage: “It is better to give than receive,” seemed the most natural thing in the world. It has taken years of therapy, self-reflection, and support to learn that I had to give to myself before I really had anything I could give to others.

                This truth came home to me when my wife and I were raising our two young children. As every parent knows, little ones require a huge amount of time, attention, love, and care. But if we don’t take care of ourselves we can easily become overwhelmed and burned out. I was forced into self-care when my doctor told me my stressful job would kill me if I didn’t get some regular exercise.

                My wife told me our marriage wouldn’t survive if we didn’t have more time for each other away from the kids. She insisted on a Wednesday, date-night, that soon became sacrosanct. Over the years I have continued to find ways to give to others without short-changing myself.

Give First: The Power of Mentorship

                In recent years I have been approached by experts in the field who had books or programs coming out and asked for my support in promoting their work. I turn down most requests as not being aligned with my expertise or where I don’t feel my help would significantly contribute to the field of men’s health.

                I see part of my role as an elder in the field to offer support and mentorship to others. For those I felt were doing significantly good work in the field of Gender-Specific Medicine and Men’s Health and where I felt I had something significant to offer, we set up a time to talk. Here are a few of the people I felt would be helpful to do an on-line interview, write an article, and share it with my large community:

• Healing Ourselves, Healing Our World: Brenda Snow Healthcare Maven Extraordinaire.

• The Compassionate Warrior: The Power of Mature Masculine Psychology.

• Revolutionizing Male Birth Control: Dr. Darlene Walley Offers Plan A for Men.

                I don’t charge for the time I spend interviewing them, writing articles, and sharing them with my communities. I have been helped by others in the past and I enjoy helping where I can. But this isn’t just “Giving.” I always get something back. It may be from the person who I helped. It may be from someone else. The old saying “What goes around, comes around,” seems appropriate.

                I recently came across a book, Give First: The Power of Mentorship by Brad Feld. Feld has been an early-stage entrepreneur and investor since 1987. He co-founded two venture capital firms and multiple companies including Techstars. His view of giving helped me make sense of what I had been doing for some time. He says:

                “One of my deeply held beliefs to the secret success in life is to give before you get. In this approach, I am always willing to try to be helpful to someone without having a clear expectation of what is in it for me. If, over time, the relationship is one way (e.g., I’m giving, but getting nothing), I’ll often back off on my level of give because this belief doesn’t underlie a fundamentally altruistic approach.

                “However, by investing time and energy up front without a specifically defined outcome, I have found that, over time, the rewards that come back to me exceed my wildest expectations.”

                That was certainly true for me and I believe it is true for most colleagues I know who are successful in their careers and in their lives. Based on his work at Techstars (Techstars is a global startup accelerator and venture capital firm founded in 2006 and headquartered in New York City.) Brad Feld and his partner David Cohen developed “The Techstars Mentor Manifesto” with 18 practices that Feld elaborates in the book. Here are some of the points that particularly resonate with me and my work:

• Be authentic — practice what you preach.
• Be direct. Tell the truth, however hard.
• Listen. (With your heart as well as your head).
• Clearly commit to mentor or do not. Either is fine.
• The best mentor relationships eventually become two-way.
• Know what you don’t know. Say “I don’t know” when you don’t know. “I don’t know” is preferable to bravado.
• Be optimistic.
• Provide specific actionable advice; don’t be vague.
• Be challenging/robust but never destructive.
• Have empathy. Remember that startups are hard.

                Although Feld’s book, Give First, was written from his experience as an entrepreneur developing startup communities, I believe there is a lot of wisdom here for parents, therapists, business leaders, artists, writers, and healers. For example, you can read an article I wrote about giving love, “The 5 Stages of Love and the Go-Giver Marriage,” and an interview I did with best-selling author John David Mann.

                For more articles like these, please visit me at  https://menalive.com/

The post Give First: How to Help Others Without Short-Changing Yourself appeared first on MenAlive.