Mental Health

                For more than fifty years I have enjoyed a successful career in the emerging field of Genders-Special Medicine and Men’s Health. In a recent article, “Men’s Work: Why I Do What I Do,” I responded to a request by a colleague to answer these two questions:

1. Why Do What You Do?
2. What Do You Receive?

                Like many colleagues I know in the “helping professions,” I developed an early interest in helping others when a family crisis turned my world upside down. When I was five years old my mid-life father took an overdose of sleeping pills after he had become increasingly depressed when he couldn’t find work to support his family. Though he didn’t die, our lives were never the same.

                My father was committed to Camarillo State Mental Hospital, north of our home in Los Angeles. My uncle Harry visited my father every Sunday and I was charged by my mother to go with him. I was confused and scared and asked my mother why I had to go. She told me:

                “Because your father needs you.”

                She also thanked me for being her “Good Little Man,” a role that caused a great deal of stress, confusion, and unachievable demands I have made towards myself over the years.

                I grew up wondering what happened to my father, when it would happen to me and what I could do to keep it from happening to other men and their families. My own healing journey and what I’ve learned is reflected in my most popular books and on-line courses:

• The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression.

• Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions.

• My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound.

• “Heal The Irritable Male Syndrome.”

• “Navigating The 5 Stages of Love.”

• “Healing the Family Father Wound.”

                As a child thrust in the role of caregiver long before I was capable of helping anyone, I learned to sacrifice my own needs to care for others. The old adage: “It is better to give than receive,” seemed the most natural thing in the world. It has taken years of therapy, self-reflection, and support to learn that I had to give to myself before I really had anything I could give to others.

                This truth came home to me when my wife and I were raising our two young children. As every parent knows, little ones require a huge amount of time, attention, love, and care. But if we don’t take care of ourselves we can easily become overwhelmed and burned out. I was forced into self-care when my doctor told me my stressful job would kill me if I didn’t get some regular exercise.

                My wife told me our marriage wouldn’t survive if we didn’t have more time for each other away from the kids. She insisted on a Wednesday, date-night, that soon became sacrosanct. Over the years I have continued to find ways to give to others without short-changing myself.

Give First: The Power of Mentorship

                In recent years I have been approached by experts in the field who had books or programs coming out and asked for my support in promoting their work. I turn down most requests as not being aligned with my expertise or where I don’t feel my help would significantly contribute to the field of men’s health.

                I see part of my role as an elder in the field to offer support and mentorship to others. For those I felt were doing significantly good work in the field of Gender-Specific Medicine and Men’s Health and where I felt I had something significant to offer, we set up a time to talk. Here are a few of the people I felt would be helpful to do an on-line interview, write an article, and share it with my large community:

• Healing Ourselves, Healing Our World: Brenda Snow Healthcare Maven Extraordinaire.

• The Compassionate Warrior: The Power of Mature Masculine Psychology.

• Revolutionizing Male Birth Control: Dr. Darlene Walley Offers Plan A for Men.

                I don’t charge for the time I spend interviewing them, writing articles, and sharing them with my communities. I have been helped by others in the past and I enjoy helping where I can. But this isn’t just “Giving.” I always get something back. It may be from the person who I helped. It may be from someone else. The old saying “What goes around, comes around,” seems appropriate.

                I recently came across a book, Give First: The Power of Mentorship by Brad Feld. Feld has been an early-stage entrepreneur and investor since 1987. He co-founded two venture capital firms and multiple companies including Techstars. His view of giving helped me make sense of what I had been doing for some time. He says:

                “One of my deeply held beliefs to the secret success in life is to give before you get. In this approach, I am always willing to try to be helpful to someone without having a clear expectation of what is in it for me. If, over time, the relationship is one way (e.g., I’m giving, but getting nothing), I’ll often back off on my level of give because this belief doesn’t underlie a fundamentally altruistic approach.

                “However, by investing time and energy up front without a specifically defined outcome, I have found that, over time, the rewards that come back to me exceed my wildest expectations.”

                That was certainly true for me and I believe it is true for most colleagues I know who are successful in their careers and in their lives. Based on his work at Techstars (Techstars is a global startup accelerator and venture capital firm founded in 2006 and headquartered in New York City.) Brad Feld and his partner David Cohen developed “The Techstars Mentor Manifesto” with 18 practices that Feld elaborates in the book. Here are some of the points that particularly resonate with me and my work:

• Be authentic — practice what you preach.
• Be direct. Tell the truth, however hard.
• Listen. (With your heart as well as your head).
• Clearly commit to mentor or do not. Either is fine.
• The best mentor relationships eventually become two-way.
• Know what you don’t know. Say “I don’t know” when you don’t know. “I don’t know” is preferable to bravado.
• Be optimistic.
• Provide specific actionable advice; don’t be vague.
• Be challenging/robust but never destructive.
• Have empathy. Remember that startups are hard.

                Although Feld’s book, Give First, was written from his experience as an entrepreneur developing startup communities, I believe there is a lot of wisdom here for parents, therapists, business leaders, artists, writers, and healers. For example, you can read an article I wrote about giving love, “The 5 Stages of Love and the Go-Giver Marriage,” and an interview I did with best-selling author John David Mann.

                For more articles like these, please visit me at  https://menalive.com/

The post Give First: How to Help Others Without Short-Changing Yourself appeared first on MenAlive.

                For more than fifty years I have been helping men and their families to live fully healthy lives. Over the years I have developed expertise in the emerging field of gender-specific healing. I call what I do, simply: “Men’s Work.”  A colleague of mine is writing a book, A Call to Wise Elders: Leaving a Legacy of Goodness for Future Generations. He asked me to contribute and address two questions:

                 1. “Why do what you do?”  Give a voice to the impetus that moved you to work to make those around you safer, more comfortable, more fulfilled, and /or make the world a better place for ensuing generations.

                2. “What do you receive?” Describe the way you personally feel rewarded, (emotionally, psychologically, spiritually) by the process of giving your knowledge, resources, time and energy in service to a purpose larger than yourself.

                Here’s how I addressed these questions.

                “Why do what you do?”  This is the answer that is most alive for me as I write today.

                It has been said that the two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you found out why. The first important day is straightforward and specific. I was born December 21, 1943 in New York City. The day I found out why was November 21, 1969 at Kaiser hospital in Vallejo, California.

                The second important day requires a bit more historical context. When I met and fell in love with my first wife, we were college students at U.C. Santa Barbara. As young couples do, we talked about our future and desires for children. We agreed that once we were married, we wanted two children. We hoped the first child would come naturally, but decided we wanted to adopt our second child so that a child in need would have a good home.

                Now back to Kaiser hospital in 1969. After coaching my wife with the relaxation and breathing techniques we had learned in the Lamaze child-birthing classes, we were told it was time for my wife to move into the delivery room.  I still remember the words of the nurse.

                “OK, Mr. Diamond, your work is done now. You can go to the waiting-room and we’ll let you know when your child arrives.”

                I was sorry to have to leave at this point, but we had been told the rules. Fathers were not allowed in the delivery room. I kissed my wife, wished her and the baby well, and told her I would see her soon. She was wheeled in one direction, and I went the other way.

                But as I was going through the waiting-room doors, something stopped me. I felt the call of my unborn child telling me:

                “I don’t want a waiting-room father. Your place is here with us.”

                I immediately turned around and made my way to the delivery room. I came in and took my place at the head of the table as my wife began the final stages to bring our child into the world.

                There was no question about my leaving. I knew where I belonged. No hospital rules were going to keep me away. It didn’t take long for the final push and our son, Jemal, came into the world amid tears of joy and relief. Holding him for the first time I made a vow that I would be a different kind of father than my father was able to be for me and to do everything I could to help create a world where fathers were fully engaged with their families throughout their lives. Two-and-a-half years later, we adopted a two-month-old, African-American baby girl, who we named Angela.

                For fifty-six years now I have worked in the emerging field of Gender-Specific Medicine and men’s health. According to my colleague Marianne J. Legato, M.D, the founder of the professional field of practice and author of Eve’s Rib: The New Science of Gender-Specific Medicine and How It Can Save Your Life,

                “Until now, we’ve acted as though men and women were essentially identical except for the differences in their reproductive function. In fact, information we’ve been gathering over the past ten years tells us that this is anything but true, and that everywhere we look, the two sexes are startingly and unexpectedly different not only in their normal function but in the ways they experience illness.”

                Dr. Legato acknowledges that most of the focus in the field has been on women. She has applauded my work with men and how it deepens and expands her work with sex and gender issues.  

                I have written seventeen books, including My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound. The book recounts my father’s healing journey from the time he took an overdose of sleeping pills when I was five years old and was committed to Camarillo State Mental Hospital to his escape after his “treatments” made him worse.

                It took many years and a lot of help and support for him to recover. I also lived with his legacy as I dealt with my own depression and recovery over the years. I share what I’ve learned in a number of on-line courses: “Healing the Family Father Wound,” and “Navigating the 5 Stages of Love.”

                My present wife, Carlin, and I now have six grown children, seventeen grandchildren, and four great grandchildren. Our work in the world continues as we move into our eighties and explore our contributions as elders.

                “What do you receive?” The answer to this question would require more books than I have already written. But the simple answer is that by engaging this work, I am able to fulfill my life’s destiny, fulfill the promise I made to my family, and to offer guidance and mentorship for the those who resonate with me and this vital healing work the world needs now more than ever.

                Following the publication of my fifteenth book, I thought my time writing books was complete. It seemed that fifteen books was a good body of work to complete my writing career. My wife, Carlin, surprised me when she said,

                “You need to write at least one more book. There is so much separation and conflict between men and women these days (that was during the height of the #MeToo movement and many men in positions of prominence and power were being accused of sexual misconduct), you need to write a book about what is good about men.”

                I was surprised at her insistence since she had always been supportive of my writing but had never told me I should write another book. Books require a lot of research and time alone to think and create. They take time away from family. I also wanted to do more teaching, training, and mentoring and less time doing counseling and writing books.

                After deep reflection I agreed that I had some interest and energy for book writing and began work on my 16^th book, 12 Rules for Good Men and later my 17^th book, Long Live Men! The Moonshot Mission to Heal Men, Close the Lifespan Gap, and Offer Hope to Humanity. I do love to write and I feel it’s a gift that I want to continue offering.

                The gift of these elder years is to engage with my children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren, and the generations that will follow me. I believe that men are both the canaries in the coalmine warning us about the dangers we face as humanity continues to be out of balance with the natural world. Healing men is also the hope for the future. I’ve also learned that when we heal men, we also heal women, children, and our communities.

                I very much resonate with the words of historian Thomas Berry who offered this warning and call to action.

                “We never knew enough. Nor were we sufficiently intimate with all our cousins in the great family of the earth. Nor could we listen to the various creatures of the earth, each telling its own story. The time has now come, however, when we will listen or we will die.”

                The greatest gift any of us can ask for is to have the courage to step up at the most challenging times in which we live and support those who are creating, in the words of my colleague Charles Eisenstein,

                “The more beautiful world our hearts know is possible.”

                I look forward to connecting more deeply.

                Jed Diamond, PhD, LCSW, Founder/VHS (Visionary, Healer, Scholar in residence) MenAlive.com

The post Men’s Work: Why I Do What I Do appeared first on MenAlive.

                I have been working in the men’s health field since 1969. My work expanded greatly in 1997 following the publication of my fourth book, Male Menopause, which soon became an international best-seller translated into seventeen foreign languages. In the book I defined the male “change of life” this way:

                “Male menopause (also called andropause or manopause) begins with hormonal, physiological, and chemical changes that occur in all men generally between the ages of forty and fifty-five, though it can occur as early as thirty-five or as late as sixty-five. These changes affect all aspects of a man’s life. Male menopause is, thus, a physical condition with psychological, interpersonal, social, and spiritual dimensions.”

                I went on to say,

                “The purpose of male menopause is to signal the end of the first part of a man’s life and prepare him for the second half. Male menopause is not the beginning of the end, as many fear, but the end of the beginning. It is the passage to the most passionate, powerful, productive, and purposeful time of a man’s life.”

                I listed the following symptoms I had seen over the years with clients I treated. The most common physical symptoms include:

• Less endurance for physical activity
• Taking longer to recover from injuries and illness
• Weight gain
• Loss of skin tone

                Common psychological symptoms include:

• Irritability
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Loss of purpose and direction in life

                Common sexual symptoms include:

• Loss of erections
• Low libido and interest in sex
• Increased anxiety and fear about sexual changes
• Increased fantasies about having sex outside of primary relationship

                I discussed the impact of hormonal changes for men going through this life passage.

                “Lowered levels of hormones at midlife are central to the changes associated with male menopause. Although hormones tend to decrease with age, each man is unique and individual levels vary widely. In one study, for instance, the average level of testosterone for men in their fifties was 600 ng/ mL. However, individual levels ranged from 200 ng/ mLl to 1,000 ng/ mL.”

                I also detailed the early experiences with testosterone replacement therapies (TRT) and some of the concerns about its use.

                “While clinicians in the U.S. debated the risks and benefits of TRT, British physicians were already beginning to use hormones to treat men who showed symptoms of testosterone deficiency.”

                Over the years, there continues to be controversy about the use of TRT in treating men. Nevertheless, testosterone continues to be prescribed widely for millions of men. I recently wrote about a new company, GameDay Men’s Health, that has been expanding rapidly with new clinics throughout the country. Says their founder, Evan Miller, PhD,

                “By focusing all of our energy on delivering premium testosterone replacement therapy, removing the stigma around erectile dysfunction services and more, we ensure our clients’ experience is relaxing, fast, and most importantly, delivers results.”

Acesis BioMed: Revolutionizing Treatment of Low T and Other Health Problems

                I recently learned about a new company, Acesis Biomed, that is taking a different approach to treating low testosterone in men. Acesis Biomed was founded by Dr. Vassilios Papadopoulos and Dr. Costas N. Karatzas.

                Dr. Papadopoulos is Dean of the University of Southern California Alfred Mann School of Pharmacy & Pharmaceutical Sciences. He holds the John Stauffer Decanal Chair in Pharmaceutical Sciences and is a professor of Pharmacology and Pharmaceutical Sciences and Medicine at USC. Before joining USC, Dr Papadopoulos served as Executive Director and Chief Scientific Officer of the Research Institute of McGill University Health Centre in Montreal, Canada.

                Dr. Karatzas is Acesis’ CEO and has over 35 years of experience in Life Sciences in the public, private and academic sectors. He attended McGill University, where he earned his Ph.D., in Molecular Biology. He has over fifty peer-reviewed publications and is an inventor with 18 patents. From 2009 to 2021 he was the Director of Business Development and Contracts Office at the Research Institute of the McGill University Health Centre, Montreal, Canada.

                I recently had an opportunity to talk with Drs. Papadopoulos and Karatzas about their company and their new approach for helping men with low T. They told me,

                “Millions of men suffer from low testosterone (T), leading to reduced quality of life. Acesis Biomed is pioneering a first-in-class, patented, oral treatment that restores the body’s natural T production — without synthetic hormones.”

                From my experience working with mid-life men and their families for more than fifty years, I believe this is a monumental breakthrough in what will be offered to men. Up until now, men who were experiencing symptoms of low testosterone were limited to taking Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT). Now, for the first time, Acesis Biomed, is offering a treatment approach that helps men restore their testosterone levels through a potentially safer and more natural approach by inducing the testes to produce testosterone.

                “Our vision is to unlock the body’s ability to restore testosterone, rather than using external steroids, setting a new approach for men’s wellbeing,” they told me.

                 They continue by stating:

                “What if a pill could help millions of men feel like themselves again — without needles, patches, gels or synthetic hormones? At Acesis, we are on a mission to transform the way low-T or deficiency is treated.“

                Dr. Karatzas stated that,

                “Our unique solution is rooted in the science, developed by Dr. Papadopoulos. His research has led to a better understanding of the pathways leading to steroid hormone synthesis, the pharmacology of steroid formation in the periphery and brain, and the identification of new molecules targeting key elements in diseases where steroids play a determining role.”

                They told me they want to be sure that when this new medication is available, it is safe and has undergone the necessary clinical trials and regulatory scrutiny.

                “Our current goal is to complete our preclinical program and transition to First-in-Man clinical trial in men with low testosterone, also known as male hypogonadism.”

                As a leader in the field of Gender-Specific Medicine and Men’s Health I am excited to continue learning more about the ground-breaking work that Drs. Papadopoulos and Karatzas are doing.

                The field of Gender-Specific Medicine is relatively new. My colleague, Marianne J. Legato, MD founded the Foundation for Gender-Specific Medicine in 1999. In her book, Eve’s Rib: The New Science of Gender-Specific Medicine and How It Can Save Your Life, she says,

                “Until now, we’ve acted as though men and women are essentially identical except for the differences in their reproductive function. In fact, information we’ve been gathering over the past ten years tells us that this is anything but true, and everywhere we look, the two sexes are startingly and unexpectedly different not only in their normal function but in the way they experience illness.”

                Dr. Legato has told me on numerous occasions that there is a great need for new approaches to helping men. In her book, Why Men Die First: How to Lengthen Your Lifespan, she says,

                “Despite the significant opportunities and advantages most societies afford men, they remain shockingly vulnerable on many levels. Researchers have largely ignored the phenomenon, with tragic consequences. Simply put, we never turned a gender-specific lens on men. We have not thought enough — if at all — about why they are uniquely prone to disability and premature death.”

                It is time that men’s health got the recognition it deserves. I will keep my readers posted on these innovations and look forward to hearing more from Dr. Vassilios Papadopoulos and Dr. Costas N. Karatzas in the future. You can learn more about Acesis BioMed and their work to transform men’s health by visiting their website here.  If you would like to subscribe to my free weekly newsletter and read articles about innovations in field, you can visit me at MenAlive.com and subscribe to the newsletter here.

The post New Cutting-Edge Health Technologies For All Men Over 40 appeared first on MenAlive.

                I first learned about the incredible work of Brenda Snow when I found her book, Diagnosed: The Essential Guide to Navigating the Patient’s Journey. Over the years I have had to deal with several health challenges in my own life including asthma, chronic pneumonia, bipolar disorder, as well as some rather exotic diseases that impacted my kidneys ( Glomerulonephritis) and adrenal glands (Pheochromocytoma). I am now a full-time caregiver to my wife, Carlin. I know I am not alone. No one gets through life without being a patient and/or a caregiver.

                Brenda Snow has pioneered patient engagement for the life science industry with her agency Snow Companies, which she founded and, until recently, lead as its CEO. Brenda’s leadership is grounded in her own experience as a patient with multiple sclerosis and her ability to share her story with millions of women and men who have had to deal with a frightening diagnosis.

                “Here’s the first thing I want you to understand,” Brenda tells us, “You are not alone.”

                I had the good fortune to interview Brenda on my podcast. You can watch the full interview here. Hearing Brenda share her story not only reminds us that we are not alone, but that we have a caring guide who understands what we are going through and can help us survive and thrive.

                “If you’ve been sucker-punched by a terrifying diagnosis,” Brenda says, “you might feel alienated from the life you used to live. You feel foreign to the person you used to be. It’s isolating, lonely, and scary.”

                After thirty years of living with a chronic illness, and twenty-five years working with thousands of people managing a chronic or terminal disease, Brenda Snow is an authority on living a full life as a patient as well as the skills and courage necessary to be a loving care-partner.

                “I’ve seen this healing Journey enough times that I recognize its stages,” Brenda explains, “Yes, there is a Patient’s Journey. Similar to the Grief Cycle, patients tend to journey through a recognizable series of experiences as they cope with their illness and process what it means for their lives.”

                She recognizes that following phases and stages:

                Phase I: Putting out the Fire

1. Pre-Diagnosis
2. Diagnosis
3. Grief
4. Anger
5. Acceptance

                Phase 2: The Rest of Your Life

1. Endurance
2. Optimize Your Relationships
3. Optimize Your Care
4. Rebuilding
5. Impact

Phase I: Putting Out the Fire

                “The first half of the Patient’s Journey is relatively linear,” Brenda says. “Phase 1 encompasses the early, acute part of your Journey: you’re dealing with your body’s most debilitating symptoms and putting out the fire. Phase 1 is brutal, but — if you can move through it — you will get beyond it.”

                Pre-Diagnosis

                “In the Pre-Diagnosis stage, something weird is happening to your body and you don’t know what,” states Brenda. “Your behavior may be characterized by a mixture of denial and frantic Googling attempts to self-diagnose.”

                Diagnosis

                “The Diagnosis stage brings both relief and sadness,” says Brenda. “Relief, because you finally have a name for what’s happening to your body. Sadness, because — what the hell — you can’t believe that this is going to be your life now.”

                Grief

                Grief comes when it starts to get real, when you realize this isn’t going to go away.

                “These are ugly, painful moments that confirm: ‘Yes. I really do have this. This is part of my life now and I can’t make it go away,’” Brenda explains.

                Anger

                Anger and grief often go together.

                “A lot of people are angry about what their disease took away from them,” says Brenda, “Their health, their job, their physical appearance, their ability to run around with their kids or make love to their partner.”

                Acceptance

                “Acceptance is hard,” affirms Brenda. “I don’t want to sound like Pollyanna here.”

                There is much we can’t control about chronic illness.

                “But one thing you can control: the glasses you put on to perceive your reality and determine the way you show up. You can choose how you see the world.”

Phase 2: The Rest of Your Life

                “Phase 2 is not linear,” Brenda explains, “because you will engage in every one of these latter stages for the rest of your life. They may occur simultaneously or in a different order.”

                Phase 1 must be engaged first.

                “You won’t have the energy you need for any of these latter stages,” says Brenda, “until you turn the corner of Acceptance.”

                Endurance

                “You will need to endure your illness on a regular basis,” Brenda states, “because just when you think you’ve got the nut cracked, you’ll realize there’s some new shit you’ve got to figure out. Of all the Patient’s Journey stages, this is the one that lasts the longest.”

                Optimize Your Relationships

                “The Patient’s Journey instigates profound changes in patients, care partners, and everyone touched by the disease,” says Brenda. “It causes relationships to evolve. Everyone must learn new roles and new ways of engaging with one another.”

                Optimize Your Care

                “You’ll need to keep tweaking, retooling, and revisiting the plan to architect your Best-Case Scenario as you move through different seasons of life and as your disease potentially changes or new treatment protocols become available,” Brenda tells us.

                Rebuilding

                “Rebuilding is all about architecting fun and normalcy back into your life,” Brenda says.  “Life is too short to be serious all the time, and that’s a truth you now know with greater sureness than you ever have before,” announces Brenda. “Surround yourself with people who ‘get it,’ who make you laugh.”

                Impact

                “And now, patients begin to ask, ‘What am I going to do with it? How am I going to give back and leave the world a better place?’ That’s when you arrive at the Impact stage of your Journey,” Brenda says. “As a patient, you’ve been freshly and brutally reminded that we’re all going to die one day. That universal truth now has personal immediacy to you.”

Women and Men as Patients and Caregivers

                Although we all are going to die some day and we all will become patients and/or caregivers at some point in our lives, women and men often face different challenges. Women are more often caregivers and men more often face life-threatening illnesses, though our greater resistance to getting professional help often keeps men in denial.

                According to Dr. Will Courtenay, author of Dying to Be Men,

                “Although traditional men are socialized to be providers for and protectors of others, they tend to be poor guardians of their own health. Men in the United States have greater socioeconomic advantages than women, but despite these advantages men — on average — are at greater of serious chronic disease, injury, and death than women.”

                As someone who has spent his professional career as a healer working with men and their families, I have experienced these gender differences over the last sixty years.

                “For nearly all 15 leading causes of death [except Alzheimer’s], men and boys have higher age-adjusted death rates than women and girls,” says Dr. Courtenay. “These 15 leading killers account for more than 80% of all deaths in the United States.” [Based on statistics gathered by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.]

                One of my goals in my life has been to help men live fully healthy lives so we don’t have to die before our time. Along the way I’ve learned to become a better caregiver to myself, my children, my parents, and my wife.

                Both my wife and I are now in our 80s. In addition to the diagnosed illnesses we’ve had, we also have to deal with the realities of being old. We’ve been married for forty-five years and have six grown children, seventeen grandchildren, and two great-grandchildren. Brenda Snow’s experience and expertise has helped us navigate our Patient Journey as well as our Caregiver Journey. Yet, we still have more life to live and more lessons to learn.

                If you’d like to know more about Brenda Snow and her work, you may do so here.

                To see the interview and discussion we had together, you may do so here.

                If you would like to read more articles about health and wellbeing, I invite you to subscribe to my free weekly newsletter here.

The post Healing Ourselves, Healing Our World: Brenda Snow Healthcare Maven Extraordinaire appeared first on MenAlive.

                I first learned about the incredible work of Brenda Snow when I found her book, Diagnosed: The Essential Guide to Navigating the Patient’s Journey. Over the years I have had to deal with several health challenges in my own life including asthma, chronic pneumonia, bipolar disorder, as well as some rather exotic diseases that impacted my kidneys (Glomerulonephritis) and adrenal glands (Pheochromocytoma). I am now a full-time caregiver to my wife, Carlin. I know I am not alone. No one gets through life without being a patient and/or a caregiver.

                Brenda Snow has pioneered patient engagement for the life science industry with her agency Snow Companies, which she leads as the founder. Brenda’s leadership is grounded in her own experience as a patient with multiple sclerosis and her ability to share her story with millions of women and men who have had to deal with a frightening diagnosis.

                “Here’s the first thing I want you to understand,” says Brenda, “You are not alone.”

                I had the good fortune to interview Brenda on my podcast. You can watch the full interview here. Hearing Brenda share her story not only reminds us that we are not alone, but that we have a caring guide who understands what we are going through and can help us survive and thrive.

                “If you’ve been sucker-punched by a terrifying diagnosis,” Brenda says, “you might feel alienated from the life you used to live. You feel foreign to the person you used to be. It’s isolating, lonely, and scary.”

                After thirty years of living with a chronic illness, and twenty-five years working with thousands of people managing a chronic or terminal disease, Brenda Snow is an authority on living a full life as a patient as well as the skills and courage necessary to be a loving care-partner.

                “I’ve seen this healing Journey enough times that I recognize its stages,” Brenda says, “Yes, there is a Patient’s Journey. Similar to the Grief Cycle, patients tend to journey through a recognizable series of experiences as they cope with their illness and process what it means for their lives.”

                She recognizes that following phases and stages:

                Phase I: Putting out the Fire

1. Pre-Diagnosis
2. Diagnosis
3. Grief
4. Anger
5. Acceptance

                Phase 2: The Rest of Your Life

1. Endurance
2. Optimize Your Relationships
3. Optimize Your Care
4. Rebuilding
5. Impact

Phase I: Putting Out the Fire

                “The first half of the Patient’s Journey is relatively linear,” Brenda says. “Phase 1 encompasses the early, acute part of your Journey: you’re dealing with your body’s most debilitating symptoms and putting out the fire. Phase 1 is brutal, but — if you can move through it — you will get beyond it.”

                Pre-Diagnosis

                “In the Pre-Diagnosis stage, something weird is happening to your body and you don’t know what,” says Brenda. “Your behavior may be characterized by a mixture of denial and frantic Googling attempts to self-diagnose.”

                Diagnosis

                “The Diagnosis stage brings both relief and sadness,” says Brenda. “Relief, because you finally have a name for what’s happening to your body. Sadness, because — what the hell — you can’t believe that this is going to be your life now.”

                Grief

                Grief comes when it starts to get real, when you realize this isn’t going to go away.

                “These are ugly, painful moments that confirm: ‘Yes. I really do have this. This is part of my life now and I can’t make it go away,’” Brenda says.

                Anger

                Anger and grief often go together.

                “A lot of people are angry about what their disease took away from them,” says Brenda, “Their health, their job, their physical appearance, their ability to run around with their kids or make love to their partner.”

                Acceptance

                “Acceptance is hard,” says Brenda. “I don’t want to sound like Pollyanna here.”

                There is much we can’t control about chronic illness.

                “But one thing you can control: the glasses you put on to perceive your reality and determine the way you show up. You can choose how you see the world.”

Phase 2: The Rest of Your Life

                “Phase 2 is not linear,” says Brenda, “because you will engage in every one of these latter stages for the rest of your life. They may occur simultaneously or in a different order.”

                Phase 1 must be engaged first.

                “You won’t have the energy you need for any of these latter stages,” says Brenda, “until you turn the corner of Acceptance.”

                Endurance

                “You will need to endure your illness on a regular basis,” says Brenda, “because just when you think you’ve got the nut cracked, you’ll realize there’s some new shit you’ve got to figure out. Of all the Patient’s Journey stages, this is the one that lasts the longest.”

                Optimize Your Relationships

                “The Patient’s Journey instigates profound changes in patients, care partners, and everyone touched by the disease,” says Brenda. “It causes relationships to evolve. Everyone must learn new roles and new ways of engaging with one another.”

                Optimize Your Care

                “You’ll need to keep tweaking, retooling, and revisiting the plan to architect your Best-Case Scenario as you move through different seasons of life and as your disease potentially changes or new treatment protocols become available,” says Brenda.

                Rebuilding

                “Rebuilding is all about architecting fun and normalcy back into your life,” Brenda explains.  “Life is too short to be serious all the time, and that’s a truth you now know with greater sureness than you ever have before,” says Brenda. “Surround yourself with people who ‘get it’, who make you laugh.”

                Impact

                “And now, patients begin to ask, ‘What am I going to do with it? How am I going to give back and leave the world a better place?’ That’s when you arrive at the Impact stage of your Journey,” Brenda says. “As a patient, you’ve been freshly and brutally reminded that we’re all going to die one day. That universal truth now has personal immediacy to you.”

Women and Men as Patients and Caregivers

                Although we all are going to die some day and we all will become patients and/or caregivers at some point in our lives, women and men often face different challenges. Women are more often caregivers and men more often face life-threatening illnesses, though our greater resistance to getting professional help often keeps men in denial.

                According to Dr. Will Courtenay, author of Dying to Be Men,

                “Although traditional men are socialized to be providers for and protectors of others, they tend to be poor guardians of their own health. Men in the United States have greater socioeconomic advantages than women, but despite these advantages men — on average — are at greater of serious chronic disease, injury, and death than women.”

                As someone who has spent his professional career as a healer working with men and their families, I have experienced these gender differences over the last sixty years.

                “For nearly all 15 leading causes of death [except Alzheimer’s], men and boys have higher age-adjusted death rates than women and girls,” says Dr. Courtenay. “These 15 leading killers account for more than 80% of all deaths in the United States.” [Based on statistics gathered by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.]

                One of my goals in my life has been to help men live fully healthy lives so we don’t have to die before our time. Along the way I’ve learned to become a better caregiver to myself, my children, my parents, and my wife.

                Both my wife and I are now in our 80s. In addition to the diagnosed illnesses we’ve had, we also have to deal with the realities of being old. We’ve been married for forty-five years and have six grown children, seventeen grandchildren, and two great-grandchildren.. Brenda Snow’s experience and expertise has helped us navigate our Patient Journey as well as our Caregiver Journey. Yet, we still have more life to live and more lessons to learn.

                If you’d like to know more about Brenda Snow and her work, you may do so here.

                To see the interview and discussion we had together, you may do so here.

                If you would like to read more articles about health and wellbeing, I invite you to subscribe to my free weekly newsletter here.

The post Healing Ourselves, Healing Our World: Brenda Snow Healthcare Maven Extraordinaire appeared first on MenAlive.

                In a world where war seems to be a recurring reality, a new kind of warrior spirit is beginning to emerge. In my book The Warrior’s Journey Home: Healing Men, Healing the Planet, I quoted Chögyam Trungpa a Tibetan Buddhist master and scholar.

                “Warriorship here,” said Trungpa, “does not refer to making war on others. Aggression is the source of our problems, not the solution.” He goes on to say, “Here the word ‘warrior’ is taken from the Tibetan pawo which literally means ‘one who is brave.’ Warriorship in this context is the tradition of human bravery, or the tradition of fearlessness. Warriorship is not being afraid of who you are.”

                I first heard the words “compassionate” and “warrior” combined when I read the book Warrior Compassion: Unleashing the Healing Power of Men by Sean Harvey.

                “When we combine the concepts of warrior and compassion, an energetic shift happens,” says Harvey. He goes on to say, “Compassion is most easily defined as the feeling or emotion when a person is moved by suffering or distress of another, and by the desire to relieve the suffering. Taking a step further, to be compassionate to others, we must begin by learning to become compassionate to ourselves.”

                I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Sean for my podcast. You can see the full interview here.

                “The warrior archetype represents strength, courage, and the relentless pursuit of justice and honor. It embodies discipline, resilience, and unwavering determination to protect and defend what is most valued.”

                In their book, King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine, Jungian analyst Robert Moore and mythologist Douglas Gillette describe both the mature as well as immature aspects of each archetype. Many people today blame Patriarchy, “toxic masculinity,” or sometimes men themselves. But Moore and Gillette have a different understanding.

                “Patriarchy, in our view, is an attack on masculinity in its fullness as well as femininity in its fullness,” say Moore and Gillette. “Those caught up in the structures and dynamics of patriarchy seek to dominate not only women but men as well. Patriarchy is based on fear — the boy’s fear, the immature masculine fear — of women, to be sure, but also fear of men. Boys fear women. They also fear real men. Patriarchy expresses what we call Boy Psychology. It is not an expression of mature masculine potentials in their essence.”

                From our board rooms to our bedrooms and even in the men we see exercising political power in our government, we can recognize the absence of mature masculinity and the presence of Boy Psychology.

The Boy Psychology Archetypes and Mature Masculinity of the Warrior

                For each archetype Moore and Gillette describe two polar opposites. They describe Boy Psychology of the Warrior as The Grandstander Bully and The Coward.

                “The boy (or man) under the power of the Bully intends to impress others. His strategies are designed to proclaim his superiority and his right to dominate those around him. He claims center stage as his birthright. If ever his claims to special status are challenged, watch the ensuing rageful displays!”

                It is not difficult to see examples of this kind of Boy Psychology.

                In describing the archetypal Coward, they say:

                “The boy (or man) possessed by The Coward, shows an extreme reluctance to stand up for himself in physical confrontations. He will usually run away from a fight, excusing himself by claiming that it is more ‘manly’ to walk away. He will easily acquiesce pressure from others and unable to feel heroic he will cave in.”

                Moore and Gillete recognize the destructiveness of Boy Psychology and also the discomfort that many have in embracing the mature warrior archetype.

                “We live in a time when people are generally uncomfortable with the Warrior form of masculine energy — and for some good reasons. Women especially are uncomfortable with it, because they have often been the most direct victims of it in its immature shadow form. Around the planet, warfare is our century has reached such monstrous and pervasive proportions that aggressive energy itself is looked upon with deep suspicion and fear.”

                Yet, we need not fear the energy of the mature warrior. In his book, Warrior Compassion, Sean Harvey says,

                “When we bring the warrior spirit to compassion, it becomes a courageous and loving energy that brings healing to the suffering in the world. I define warrior compassion as:

                “The fierce healing power within that liberates you to courageously walk from a place of deeper consciousness, compassion, and connection in the world while expanding creativity, authenticity, intimacy, and a sense of community in the ways we live and carry out our mission.”

                In describing the work Sean engages with in proving leadership and training he says,

                “We address isolation, dismantle hate, bridge polarization, and humanize hyper-masculine systems, organizations, and communities. We build bridges that transform the world.”

                What makes Sean’s work so powerful and effective is that he works both with individual men and with groups and organizations to create deep systemic change.

                “Hyper-masculine systems often perpetuate cultures of fear, control, and exclusion,” Sean says, “but they can be reimagined as spaces of collaboration, inclusion, and shared humanity. At the Warrior Compassion Institute, we work with organizations in sectors such as military, law enforcement, government, and corporate environments to transform their cultures from the inside out. Our programs emphasize trauma-informed psychological safety, redefined power dynamics, and compassionate leadership to foster systems where everyone can thrive.”

                In a world where many countries are led by authoritarian male leaders and many are influenced by their false promises, we need a new kind of mature masculine strength and power that Sean Harvey is helping to bring about. In her prescient and important book, Strongmen: Mussolini to the Present, historian Ruth Ben-Ghiat says,

                “Ours is an age of authoritarian rulers: self-proclaimed saviors of the nation who evade accountability while robbing their people of truth, treasure, and the protections of democracy. They use masculinity as a symbol of strength and a political weapon. Taking what you want, and getting away with it, becomes proof of male authority. They use propaganda, corruption, and violence to stay in power.”

                Sean Harvey offers a different vision for our future. You can learn more about Sean and his work by visiting his website: https://www.warriorcompassion.com/

                You can watch the interview I did with Sean here.

                If you would like to read other articles about men’s mental, emotional, and relational health, come visit me at https://menalive.com/.

The post The Compassionate Warrior: The Power of Mature Masculine Psychology appeared first on MenAlive.

                Too many guys have been told that midlife is a crisis, and that everything is downhill from there. That was not my own experience or the thousands of men I have seen in my clinical practice at MenAlive since we launched in 1972. I have written seventeen books to improve the mental, emotional, and relational health of men and their families since my first book, Inside Out: Becoming My Own Man was published in 1983, the year I turned 40.

                In his book Learning to Love Midlife, my colleague Chip Conley, co-founder and CEO of the Modern Elder Academy, says,

                “In my opinion (and that of a growing number of sociologists), in the world with more and more centenarians, midlife may last from 35 to 75. Just as adolescence is a transitional stage between childhood and adulthood, maybe part of the midlife role is to be a transitional stage between adulthood and elderhood.”

                Conley shows us that midlife need not be a crisis, but a chrysalis to the most passionate, powerful, productive, and purposeful time of a man’s life. Yet, we can’t do it alone.

                In a recent article, “Gameday is a Game Changer in the Emerging  Men’s Health Field,” I introduced you to Dr. Evan Miller, who I had the pleasure of interviewing about a highly effective program that had the potential to help millions of midlife men. I asked Dr. Miller how he came to be involved with men’s health issues.

                “Similar to you, my background is on the clinical side,” he told me, “I’m a PhD in clinical psychology so I come at this whole medical health care world from a very psychological angle. After grad school I got right into the addiction treatment industry and started a treatment center.”

                He went on to tell me how he came to realize that it was better to help address men’s needs before they were having serious health problems. After having his testosterone levels checked and finding they were very low, he was able to head off potential problems and later founded Gameday Men’s Health.

                “I wanted to cast a wider net,” Dr. Miller said, “and wanted to get the average mainstream guy feeling better.” Gameday Men’s Health has become a success with centers throughout the country.

Hammer & Nails: From Shark Tank to Mainstreet, Men Are Looking and Feeling Great

                When I met Aaron Meyers, the President and Chief Operating Officer of Hammer & Nails, I found another kindred spirit who cared about the health and wellbeing of men. The vision began with Michael Elliot and his unsuccessful request for funds on the popular T.V. series Shark Tank in September 2014.

                Life for young Michael Elliot was hard. The former ward of the state was only twenty and had been homeless in Philadelphia for almost two years. He had no formal education, no family and no support. Instead of letting the circumstances that led to his difficult life drag him down, the young man used his considerable determination and intelligence to make his life a success.

                Elliot had numerous business ideas that failed, but he never gave up. An uncomfortable experience during a manicure and an idea stemming from it led him to open a nail salon with a difference, it was targeted towards men rather than women. Only months after conceiving the concept, he opened his first Hammer & Nails salon in Los Angeles in November 2013. After six months operating the business he applied to appear on Shark Tank, primarily to interest one of the sharks in helping him to franchise the business nationally, and was accepted.

                Though he couldn’t convince any of the Sharks to invest in his idea of a salon for men, Aaron Meyers understood the vision, believed in the idea, and had the expertise in franchising to make the business a success. I recently had the good fortune to interview Aaron Meyers and learn more details about this innovative and unique program for men.

                “We’ve built a man cave, and it has everything you’d expect and more,” Aaron told me. “You get your own TV and remote, noise-canceling headphones, a complimentary frosty beverage, and every seat is custom crafted with your comfort being priority number one. You are going to feel like a modern-day king. And, oh yeah, you can get a haircut, shave or a manicure & pedicure, to help keep your appearance on point.”

                Aaron told me they focus on successful mid-life men, but they are seeing more and more younger men. Men of all ages are looking for a male experience where guys can relax and get the kinds of pampering we might get at an expensive health spa. Whatever our age and whatever we do for a living, we want to be at our best.  Hammer & Nails is manly care for the man who is ready to embrace total care and wellbeing.

                As of 2025, the number of franchises had grown from 13 to 41. There are now 10 locations in California, 9 in Ohio, 3 in Virginia, 2 in Texas, 2 in North Carolina, 2 in Connecticut, 2 in Florida, 1 in Arizona, and 1 in Pennsylvania. And there are more coming. Feedback from customers have also been positive. Take their West Hollywood location, for example, it currently has a 4.8-star rating out of 365 reviews, with many praising the barber shop for its skill and service. Some have even described their barbers as having “magic hands.” You can check out their locations here.

                I remember my own experiences with grooming. Growing up, I didn’t think much about haircuts. I would get one when my mother complained I looked scruffy and I would always go to the same barber shop close to our house. The owner, Eddy, would usually cut my hair, generally a quick buzz cut. It has only been in recent years that I have come to see the value of a full-service experience.

                I had the good fortune to find Martin who was an old-time European barber in my hometown. He and his wife, Helga, owned a little shop in Willits. Helga took care of the women and Martin helped the men. He took his time and worked to give you the style that would make you look good. But the best part was the head, neck, and shoulder massage that accompanied the cut. It was the best part of the experience. I would often see him instead of getting a massage, he was that good.

                As I’ve gotten older, my feet have become more important. I walk every day to stay healthy and getting my toenails clipped is difficult to do myself. There is a salon in town where women get their fingernails and toenails clipped, but even walking by on the street you can smell the chemicals. A friend said he went to get his toes clipped and I gave it a try. The experience left much to be desired. All the staff wore masks to help them breathe. The patrons got used to the toxic chemicals, but I care too much about my own health to accept a toxic environment.  I’d rather wait for Hammer & Nails to come to my town.

                “Today’s extraordinary man deserves a grooming experience that tends to the whole man,” Aaron told me in our interview. “In a space that’s far from take-a-number haircut farms and pedicure stations that reek of acrylic fumes. It’s time to care about the care that goes into men’s grooming. And it starts at a place where men’s care is all we care about. That, and a good drink.”

                To learn more about Hammer & Nails you can do so there. To watch the in-depth interview I did with Aaron Meyers, you can do so here.

                If you would like to read other articles on men’s health and wellbeing, come visit me at https://menalive.com/.

The post Total Man Care is Here: Helping Men Look and Feel Great Now and Forever appeared first on MenAlive.

                Like most males, I have been concerned with birth control most of my life. When I was a teenager there were admonitions from my parents to “be careful.” Though rarely put into words, I knew what they meant was: “Don’t get a girl pregnant.” I still remember overhearing a high school girl telling her friends that she was pregnant and her feelings of excitement at the prospect of being a mother and her recognition that this would mean the end of many of her dreams for the future.

                As a young guy in college my then girlfriend and wife-to-be and I had sex for the first time when she announced that she was “on the pill” and so sex was now safe. But it was years before we realized that taking the pill had unexpected problems for her. We discussed a vasectomy for me, which scared me. The thought of having anything sharp touching my genitals was enough to make me run the other way.

                After hearing about the procedure, I was still not reassured. I understood that the little tubes carrying the sperm would be cut, but exactly where the sperm would go was confusing. Although they told me the surgery could be reversed in the future, it was clear that it would be expensive, with no guarantees that it would be successful. I went ahead and got a vasectomy, but it seemed there should be a better choice for men. Now there is.

Meet Dr. Darlene Walley, Chief Executive Officer of NEXT Life Sciences

                My own interest in helping men and women has evolved through the years. I graduated from college in 1965 and went to medical school, with the hope of becoming a doctor so I could help others. But medicine at the time was so narrowly focused I knew it wouldn’t help me to solve the problems that I was concerned about. I transferred to U.C. Berkeley and earned a master’s degree in social work. After working as a clinician for many years I went back to school and completed the requirements for a PhD in International Health and later helped develop the emerging field of Gender-Specific Medicine for men.  

                As a leader in this emerging field, I often get announcements of breakthrough technologies. A recent email grabbed my attention: “Male Contraceptive Plan A Completes First North American Clinical Trial with 100% Success.” The announcement went on say,

                “Easily reversible, long-lasting male contraceptive Plan A continues to make its way toward FDA submission as it recently successfully completed its second clinical trial; this time in Canada.”

                I read a press release by the company that told me about Dr. Darlene Walley:

                “NEXT Life Sciences, the maker of the male contraceptive product Plan A and a leader in the development of other modern reproductive healthcare solutions announced today the promotion of Dr. Darlene R. Walley as the Chief Executive Officer of NEXT. Dr. Walley has already had incredible success in securing a clear pathway for Plan A with the FDA and it made sense for her to lead the entire organization to get our portfolio of products to market,”

                said L.R. Fox, Founder and Executive Chairman of NEXT Life Sciences.

                They go on to say,

                “Plan A is one of many products in the pipeline as NEXT continues to revolutionize reproductive health. Dr. Walley is known for her tremendous success as an executive in both big Pharma and biotech startups where she has led companies specializing in drug development, manufacturing, and clinical research, and this rare combination puts her in an incredibly unique position to take all our critical products to the world.”

                I reached out to Dr. Walley and did an interview with her which you can watch here.  I learned that NEXT is revolutionizing modern reproductive healthcare and transforming lives through the development of its lead program, Plan A, designed to provide a non-hormonal, long-lasting, and reversible contraceptive solution for men.

                After talking with Dr. Walley, she validated my long-term experience that the current options for contraception and family planning focus mostly on female fertility, burdening women with a majority of the responsibility for reproductive planning. I also learned that negative side effects and health risks associated with these options have also led almost half of all females in the U.S. to discontinue their use.

                From their website PlanAforMen I learned that :

• 121 million unplanned pregnancies take place every year globally.

• 80% of men in the U.S. feel sole or shared responsibility for pregnancy prevention.

• 17 million men in the U.S. are actively looking for a new contraceptive option that fits their lifestyle and relationship.

                Clearly, there is a great need for a non-hormonal, long-lasting, and reversible contraceptive solution for men. But that is just the beginning.

Meet Dr. Bob Dudley, Chief Development Officer, NEXT Life Sciences

                I was pleasantly surprised to see that Dr. Bob Dudley was a member of the NEXT Life Sciences professional team. I worked with Dr. Dudley when he was Vice President of R&D at Unimed Pharmaceuticals. My fourth book, Male Menopause, was published in 1997 and addressed the reality that men, like women, go through their own hormonally driven change of life. The book soon became an international best-seller. I wrote about the importance of testosterone and was invited to meet with the professional staff at Unimed who had recently developed a new testosterone gel, called Androgel. I worked with their staff for five years helping educate professionals and the public about men’s health issues that had often been neglected.

                Dr. Dudley is the primary Inventor of AndroGel®, one of the most successful men’s health products developed and commercialized worldwide.

                “For over 30 years I have been involved in developing and commercializing products to improve men’s health,” says Dr. Dudley. “Being part of the leadership team at NEXT Life Sciences is a perfect fit for my experience and will enable me to use my talents to help create cutting-edge products that help men and women live better, more satisfying lives.”

                He concludes saying,

                “Working with men’s health issues is a calling for me. I’ve managed to find a career that continues to fascinate and energize me; it makes me feel like I’m making a positive difference for men. If you can manage to find a way to reap such rich internal rewards, you’re blessed!”

                For more information about the male contraceptive PlanA, you can learn more here:

https://www.planaformen.com/

                To learn more about NEXT Life Sciences, you can learn more here:

https://www.nextlifesciences.org

                To watch my interview with Dr. Walley, you can do so here:

                You can read more articles and learn about my own work with men’s health by visiting me here:  https://menalive.com/

The post Revolutionizing Male Birth Control: Dr. Darlene Walley Offers Plan A For Men appeared first on MenAlive.

                In Part 1 of this series, I introduced you to Phil Stutz and described my first encounters with his work and how valuable I have found his practices. I described the three domains that Dr. Stutz believes are part of the universal human experience: The first domain is pain. The second domain is uncertainty. The third domain is constant work. In Part 2, I described Universe 1 and Universe 2 and how we can get in touch with our Life Force.  In Part 3, we will tie Dr. Stutz’s work with depth psychologist James Hillman.

Finding the Code to Our Soul’s Calling

                According to the philosopher Plato,

“When all the souls had chosen their lives, they went before Lachesis. And she sent with each, as the guardian of his life and the fulfiller of his choice, the daimon that he had chosen.”

                In his book, The Soul’s Code: In Search of Character and Calling, psychologist James Hillman offers us guidance to find the calling of our soul.

                When I first heard James Hillman speak, it was at a men’s gathering with Robert Bly and Michael Meade. He described that feeling all have had at certain times of our lives when we first feel there is a larger purpose to our lives, a reason our unique selves are here, and that there are things we must attend to that gives meaning to our lives.  

                Hillman also says that the key to finding our calling is to discover our inner guide that helps us discover and follow our calling. Hillman says that Plato and the Greeks called it our “daimon,” the Romans our “genius,” the Christians our “guardian angel. Today we use terms such as “heart, spirit, or soul.”

                For Hillman it is at the heart of what he calls the “acorn theory,” which proposes that each life is formed by a particular image, an image that is the essence of that life and calls it to a destiny, just as the mighty oak’s destiny is written in the tiny acorn. It is a theory that offers a liberating vision of childhood troubles and traumas.

                I wrote about my own childhood traumas in my book, My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound. The book begins at age five with me being driven by my uncle to the mental hospital:

                I grew up believing that my father was crazy, that I would become crazy too, and that I had inherited his “disease.” It was only years later that I read Hillman’s work and realized that my father wasn’t crazy, that I wasn’t crazy, but I was answering the call of my own daimon in support of my destiny for helping men like my father and their families.  This is a calling I have been following now for seventy-five years.

“The acorn theory leads to practical moves,” says Hillman. “The most practical is to entertain the ideas implied by the myth in viewing your biography — ideas of calling, of soul, of daimon, of fate, of necessity. Then, the myth implies, we must attend very carefully to childhood to catch early glimpses of the daimon in action to grasp its intentions and block its way.”

                That understanding helped me change my views about my own childhood, how I saw my father and myself. It gave me a more positive and powerful guide to my own past and future. Hillman goes on to say,

“The rest of the practical implications swiftly unfold:

  “Recognize the call as a prime fact of human existence.

1. Align life with it.
2. Find the common sense to realize that accidents, including the heartache and natural shocks the flesh is heir to, belong to the pattern of the image, are necessary to it, and help fulfill it.”

Phil Stutz, The Need For Constant Work and The Stringing of Pearls

                Phil Stutz describes the third domain for accessing the Life Force and Universe Two as “The Need for Constant Work.” He sees the universe being in constant motion and in order to fulfill our soul’s calling, we need to constantly create and engage.

“When you are engaged in infinite creation, you are in Universe Two. When you are convinced that work is finite and you’ve done enough, you are back in Universe One.”

                In order to grasp these concepts in my own life, I had to change my view of work. As I said, I grew up in a family where my father struggled to do the work he loved. My fathers brothers and sisters were all doing work which be seen as successful in Universe One. A few were in the insurance business, one owned a store, and all struggled to make a living. No one, but my father, felt that people should do work they loved or that contributed to improving the world. Work was serious business and making money was the measure of success.

                For Phil Stutz, the purpose of work was not to achieve monetary success or even to achieve a goal, but simple to keep moving ahead and doing what our hearts, our daimon, calls on us to do.

“We need a functional definition of success in our culture particularly because it’s so wrapped up with identity,” says Stutz. “You can’t structure your life around an identity where you win and you’re a big shot, or you lose and you’re nothing.”

                He offers a tool to help us understand, appreciate, and practice as “Stringing the Pearls.” I learned that pearls are formed as a defense mechanism within mollusk shells, typically oysters, in response to an irritant. The mollusk coats the irritant with layers of nacre, a substance made of calcium carbonate and proteins, to reduce irritation and eventually create a pearl. 

                Stutz emphasizes that each action, regardless of size, is equally valuable and contributes to the overall progression of one’s life. The “pearls” represent actions, and the string represents the continuous development of one’s life journey. The concept encourages focusing on taking the next step, even small ones, and acknowledges that no action is perfect, but each one contributes to the string. 

                For me, the idea of stringing the pearls put work in a much larger context. Instead of being so focused on money and success and constant worry about losing my job or missing a deadline or some other external measure of success, I could relax and be constantly guided by my inner knowing. I realized that I could stop always trying to find the secret for success or a magic formula for making millions. Instead, I make to recognize the following truths:

• Each Action is Valuable. Whether I’m working on my next book or preparing breakfast for my wife, each action is a pearl on my string and valuable in and of themselves. It matters less whether I receive some external reward, even praise for “a job well done,” and more on just doing the work and adding another pearl to stand.

• Focus on the Next Step. It doesn’t matter how big or small the action is or even if I succeed or fail. All provide lessons in life and are worth doing. There’s always something we can do to offer a gift of some kind to someone else.

• Acknowledge Imperfection. In drawing his pictures of the “pearl,” Phil would always include a little black dot, a “turd,” to remind us not to get hung up with the result. We must accept the uncertainties of life, and continue to act courageously and decisively.

• Progress over Perfection. Every little step helps. Everything has a lesson. Everything is a gift. Life is dance and we need to have fun and enjoy the music.

                To learn more about Phil Stutz and his work, you can visit him here. If you’d like to read more articles by me and learn more about my work, you can visit me here.

The post Phil Stutz, True Magic, & Healing ManKind: Helpful Tools for Today’s World – Part 3: The Life Force, The Soul’s Calling, and The Pearls appeared first on MenAlive.

                In Part 1 I introduced you to two men who have had a powerful influence on my life and career. The philosopher Paul Tillich introduced me to three fundamental questions in life:

1. What’s wrong with men, women, and society?
2. What would we be like if we were healed, whole, actualized?
3. How do we move from brokenness to wholeness?

                The psychiatrist Dr. Phil Stutz introduced me to the three unavoidable realities of life that we must all navigate and integrate, which I described in Part 1.

1. The domain of pain.
2. The domain of uncertainty.
3. The domain of constant work.

                “The three domains, in combination, unlock real magic, not fake power,” says Dr. Stutz. “Once you learn to move through pain, you will gain the ability to expand; once you contend with uncertainty, you will gain the ability to decide and create; and once you embrace constant work, you will gain the ability to be infinite.”

Meet Your Life Force

                “Throughout my career,” says, Dr. Stutz, “I would often find my self confronted with a certain type of patient. Usually, it would be a middle-aged guy. He’d say something like ‘I can’t control my temper, my wife says I’m an addict, I gamble too much, I’m miserable, etc. And then he would say, ‘If only I knew why I was here, If I only knew my mission, I’d be motivated and able to do the things I know I should do. But I feel hopeless, because I don’t know how to find out what my mission is.’”

                Instead of making a psychiatric diagnosis based on his symptoms, which Dr. Stutz (and I agree with him wholeheartedly) has limited utility, he would,

                “Explain to him that I can’t tell him his mission, and that the source of knowledge about his life purpose isn’t in his head. Your Life Force is the part that’s going to point you toward your mission in life and why you’re here. It’s not something you think; you have to feel it.”

                Most of us have a sense of our life force but at times of crisis we often tune out, become overwhelmed, you lose connection.

                “The Life Force,” says Dr. Stutz, “is a profound and mysterious power responsible for intuition, identify, and recovery. By connecting with it, you’ll develop stronger instincts, though faith will be key to this transition.”

                I found that when I’m feeling strong in body, mind, and spirit and do the practices I’ve learned over the years, I feel connected to my Life Force. But when I get off track, which we all do, I need to reconnect. As usual Dr. Stutz has a handy tool for this.

                It is a three-part pyramid, starting at the base.

                “You’re going to start by getting off your ass, turning the TV off, and walking around the block,” says Dr. Stutz.

1. Get in touch with your body. Get moving. Exercise, walk, swim. Whatever makes you feel alive.
2. Connect with others. When we’re feeling down and depressed, we hunger for someone else to magically fix us. Reaching out and doing something for others is a good start to get in touch with our Life Force. Find little ways to connect. Smile, talk to a stranger. Do something nice for your wife or kids.
3. Be good to yourself. We often treat others better than we treat ourselves. Find ways to be good to yourself. Be kind. Watch the “self-talk” that is often negative. Take a warm bath, get a massage, whatever goodness you can give yourself is a blessing.

                I believe the Life Force is most present in our connections with our bodies, other people, and ourselves. I have often think of it as a “golden thread” that connects me with life all that is.

                There’s a poem by Parker J. Palmer that begins with a line from William Stafford, a mentor of Robert Bly, that helps ground me when I feel lost. It is called, Everything Falls Away.

EVERYTHING FALLS AWAY

There’s a thread you follow.  It goes among
things that change.  But it doesn’t change.

William Stafford

Sooner or later, everything falls away.
You, the work you’ve done, your successes,
large and small, your failures, too. Those
moments when you were light, alongside
the times you became one with the night.
The friends, the people you loved
who loved you, those who might have wished
you ill, none of this is forever. All of it is
soon to go, or going, or long gone.

Everything falls away, except the thread
you’ve followed, unknowing, all along.
The thread that strings together all you’ve
been and done, the thread you didn’t know
you were tracking until, toward the end,
you see that the thread is what stays
as everything else falls away.

Follow that thread as far as you can and
you’ll find that it does not end, but weaves
into the unimaginable vastness of life. Your
life never was the solo turn it seemed to be.
It was always part of the great weave of
nature and humanity, an immensity we
come to know only as we follow our own
small threads to the place where they
merge with the boundless whole.

Each of our threads runs its course, then
joins in life together. This magnificent tapestry –
this masterpiece in which we live forever.

Parker J. Palmer

                I also like the simple poem The Way It Is by William Stafford, which inspired Everything Falls Away.

THE WAY IT IS

There’s a thread you follow. It goes among
things that change. But it doesn’t change.
People wonder about what you are pursuing.
You have to explain about the thread.
But it is hard for others to see.
While you hold it you can’t get lost.
Tragedies happen; people get hurt
or die; and you suffer and get old.
Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding.
You don’t ever let go of the thread.

Understanding the Structure of Reality: Universe One and Universe Two

                “There are two points of view, or conceptual frameworks, for understanding the universe or what reality really is,” says Dr. Stutz. “The value in Universe One is defined by mathematics. Anything dominated by mathematics, whether it’s a culture or religion, eventually becomes completely money driven.”

                “Universe Two is a very different playing field,” says Dr. Stutz. “In Universe Two, money means nothing. Outcomes mean nothing. The only thing that matters in Universe Two is the present moment: This moment. The value of Universe Two is creating. The most valuable thing you can do is create something out of nothing.”

                In Universe One, we see ourselves as “lone rangers,” separate entities, disconnected from the community of life, feeling we need to dominate and control nature, other humans, ultimately ourselves. It is a lonely, frightening world.

                In Universe Two, we are deeply connected to everything — other people, the animals and plants, even the rocks, the wind, and the rain. We are never alone, we are part of something beautiful, infinite, and mysterious.

                Tony Kushner, who wrote the Pulitzer Prize winning play, Angels in America, said,

                “The smallest indivisible human unit is two people, not one; one is a fiction. From such nets of souls societies, the social world, human life springs. And also plays.”

                Kushner recognizes that in many ways reality that dominates so much of our lives in modern times, Universe One, is a fiction. The main reasons humans are so self-destructive and miserable these days is that we have lost connection with Universe Two.

                “Working you ass off, making lots of money, and retiring isn’t as good as the fantasy of Universe One,” says Dr. Stutz. “If you want to know who you really are, ask yourself what you would spend your time on even if you knew it would never make you any money.”

                Dr. Stutz goes on to say,

                “If you’re willing to give up part of your income for something else, whatever it is, then you’ve discovered your higher power. For example, I lose money when I work on developing these books, because, I can’t see as many patients.”

                [Dr. Stutz charges $700 per hour for private therapy sessions. He has a well-known therapy practice in Los Angeles and is known for his celebrity clientele. His approach to therapy is often described as direct and results-oriented.]

                In Part 3 of this series, I will describe more about the results-oriented tools that Dr. Stutz shares with his clients. If you haven’t already subscribed to my free weekly newsletter, you may do so here.

The post Phil Stutz, True Magic, & Healing ManKind: Helpful Tools for Today’s World – Part 2: Universe 1 and Universe 2 appeared first on MenAlive.