Category:

Mental Health

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I have been a men’s mental health professional since November 21, 1969 when I held my newborn son and made a vow that I would be a different kind of father than my father was able to be for me and do everything I could to improve the mental, emotional, and relational lives of men and their families. Along the way I have earned a Master of Social Work (MSW) degree, a PhD in International Health, and written 17 books, including Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions and The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression. These are the lessons I have learned along the way.

Part 1

Where I’m Coming From: My Own Origin Story

            In my most recent post, “Calling All Men: Welcome to the First Day of the Rest of Your Life,” I talked about the changing world we all find ourselves in and what we need to do next with our lives. I quoted Václav Havel

“Today, many things indicate that we are going through a transitional period, when it seems that something is on the way out and something else is painfully being born. It is as if something were crumbling, decaying and exhausting itself, while something else, still indistinct, were arising from the rubble.”

I believe we all feel the truth of these words and are looking for a community of support.

            I am reaching out to men because I believe males have a particular need for support these days and because women tell me that if there was one thing I could do to help them, it would be to help the men in their lives—their husbands, sons, fathers, friends, and colleagues.

            I will be offering several new program opportunities for men in early 2025. Between now then, I’d like to share some of what I’ve learned along the way in my work thus far.  I look forward to your questions, comments, and suggestions. Feel free to write me directly: Jed@MenAlive.com and put “Calling All Men” in the subject line and I will respond.

            When I counsel people, I often ask them to

“tell me about your parent’s lives five years before you were born.”

It’s a way to get in touch with some important information about who they are. Were there other children in the family before you were born? What were your parents like before you came into the world? Did they want more children? Did they want a boy or a girl? How did your parents meet, marry, and decide to have children?

            I was born on December 21, 1943. My parents had been trying to have a child since they first married in 1934 but had been unsuccessful. After consulting with their doctor, he suggested a new technique that was not widely practiced at the time of collecting my father’s sperm and injecting it into my mother’s womb. Later it became known as the “turkey baster” method. They were successful and I became my parent’s first and only child.

            From the time he was a young man growing up in Jacksonville, Florida, my father wanted to be an actor. On May 17, 1929, at the age of twenty-two he went to New York with the hope of being successful in the “Big Apple.” I had always wondered at the origin of the term to describe New York.

I learned that in the 1920s, sportswriter John J. FitzGerald popularized the term after hearing African-American stablehands in New Orleans use it to refer to New York City’s racecourses. FitzGerald named his columns about horse racing “On the Big Apple” and “Around the Big Apple.”

My father described his own early experience with New York in one of his first journal entries:

            With the plaudits of my Little Theater devotees ringing in my ears, I left my hometown. For the privilege of driving a poultry farmerette and her family to New York, I received free transportation. After an arduous thousand-mile journey, we arrived. The farmerette and her children went one way. I checked into the Grand Hotel. One day was all I could afford.

            A squib in the Morning Telegraph hit me between the teeth. The famed actress, producer, and director Eva Le Gallienne was auditioning people for her repertory company. That was my cue to head to 14th street. The stairs were rickety but the smell was just right. My nostrils were dilating like those of a full-grown rabbit. This was the theatre.

            He described the initial interview with Miss Le Gallienne’s assistant who he impressed enough to be granted an audition the next day with Miss L. herself.

            The rickety stairs again. I took them slowly. It was stage fright all right. Everything chattered, from my teeth down. There was a cathedral-like hush about the place. This was nice, and no organ music. That made it perfect. Would Miss L be…? But I didn’t have a chance to finish the thought. At the top of the stairs, behind a screen, the young producer-director sat, serene and friendly. Young too. Reddish, blond bob. Earrings, blue satin blouse and skirt.

            She didn’t waste a second. ‘What’s your name and what will you do? A scene from “The Man Who Came Back.” They liked that at home. I lit a cigarette, and emoted to an imaginary woman on the floor. After my dramatic moment, Miss L gave me a scene to read. That was the audition, no more. She nodded her approval. “Rehearsals start in two weeks…” Accepted! Accepted! I didn’t believe in pinching myself. I bruise easily, but I did have to hold on to a chair to keep from floating up with the frescoes. The seal of approval from Miss L. Just an apprentice, but in a real professional company. Maybe a chance for small parts. Maybe a chance for stardom.

            My mother had come to New York from Savanah, Georgia the previous year at the age of twenty and settled in Greenwich Village. The Village was not only a wonderful place for creative artists, but also for creative lovers. My mother, as I learned later, experimented sexually. She had numerous boyfriends and although she never came out directly and said it, I suspect she had a few girlfriends, as well.

            While my father was busy with the theater, my mother worked as a secretary to make ends meet and enjoyed the bohemian life of the Village during the “Roaring 20s.”  Over time they spent more and more time together, fell in love, and got involved in the political activities of the times.

            “I still remember the May Day marches in the 1930s,”

my mother told me years later.

“We would get off work and march down Fifth Avenue together. Progressives of all stripes marched for worker’s rights, opposed racism, and pushed for integration of minorities into the fabric of America. It was very festive and patriotic,”

she said with pride. 

“We all wore red and we marched in support of our country. We wanted America to live up to the ideals upon which it was founded.”

            My mother also described her early experiences with her pregnancy prior to my birth.

“When I found out I was pregnant, I was overjoyed. But I was also terrified of losing you. I remember walking gingerly down 5th Avenue afraid I would lose you. I was anxious throughout the pregnancy and relieved when you were finally born. Even then, my fear didn’t go away. I always wanted to hold you close and was reluctant to let your father hold you, afraid he might drop you.”

            “When the doctor announced, “Congratulations, ‘It’s a boy!’ we were totally surprised. We were sure we were going to have a girl. We had girl’s names picked out and dolls for a little girl. So, we had to scramble to decide what to call you. I went along with your father who wanted to name you Elliott after his nephew who had recently died, but I didn’t like the name and cried for five days until he agreed to name you John, after my father who had died when I was five years old.”

            “So you finally had an official name on your birth certificated, “John Elliott Diamond.” We kept the dolls, which you seemed to like. Our family was now complete. We finally had the child we thought we’d never have.”

Life Lesson #1: We can’t understand our own lives unless we recognize the gifts we were given by our parents at the time and place of our birth.

Growing up and through most of my life, I didn’t think much about the impact of my early years on who I’ve become.  It wasn’t until mid-life when these examinations became more compelling. I’ve come to realize the gifts I received from being born in New York City at the time I did. From my parents I got a deep curiosity to explore all aspects of life and the courage not to be afraid to think and live “outside the box” of conventional wisdom.

From my father I got my passion for my work. From my mother I got my passion to explore sexuality and relationships. I also got from both my parents the passion to be my own person. When I went to college, I changed my name from John Elliott Diamond to Jed Diamond. I wanted a name that was sexy, a little mysterious, powerful, and unique. I picked Jed for myself.

Life Sesson #2. We also acquire a host of challenges that we spend our lives trying to escape from or learning to embrace.

There were many challenges I had to grapple with that had their origins in my early life. From my father I received is passion for his creative work, but also his belief that we must be successful at our career or die trying. I will have more to say about this challenge in future posts. From my mother I inherited her deep fears about life and death. Later in life I came to recognize and better understand the legacy of fear I had gotten from her.

The English philosopher Thomas Hobbes said of his birth during the turbulent political climate at the time,

“My mother gave birth to twins: Myself and fear.”

This realization that I had a hidden twin that I didn’t know was part of my life was revelatory when I got to know, embrace, and love him.

These early beliefs, usually embedded, deeply in our subconscious, can undermine our joy and happiness until we learn to understand and embrace them.

Reflect on your own origin stories and the life lessons you learned. I hope my sharing can stimulate your own at whatever age you are.

If you’d like to read more about my own journey, let me know. I appreciate your comments and questions. Visit me at www.MenAlive.com.

The post Life Lessons of an 81-Year-Old Men’s Mental Health Maverick appeared first on MenAlive.

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Well, the election is finally over and there are a few things I know about you, my readers. You are happy your candidate won or unhappy because your candidate lost, or just glad you don’t have to watch any more political ads for a while and you can stop getting text messages asking for money. I also know that regardless of who we voted for, many of us are frightened about our future. And I also know that men are not the only ones who read my articles. So, let me tell you why this one is a call to men.

            Everyone who reads this, whether male or female, have things that must be done today, regardless of the election results. You have work to do, families to support, money to earn, bills to pay, meals to prepare, children who need your love and support, friends with problems, doctor’s appointments to make, healing to do, and decisions about what you need to do next in your life.

            This is a call to men because for the last fifty-five years, ever since the birth of our first son, Jemal, on November 21, 1969, I have been helping men and their families to live fully, love deeply, and make a positive difference in the world. I also think men are critical to the wellbeing of the future for themselves, their families, and most importantly for the community of life on planet Earth.

            For more than fifty years www.MenAlive.com has been my window to the world where I offer resources that have been shown to be helpful—including articles, books, on-line courses, as well as individual, couples, and family counseling. Three years ago I invited several colleagues to join me in what I called a Moonshot for Mankind and Humanity to work together to improve the lives of men and their families. You can learn about our work at www.MoonshotforMankind.org.

            We focus on men’s mental, emotional, and relational health for three important reasons:

  1. Boys and men are falling behind and we are experiencing higher levels of “deaths of despair” as men is 4 to 17 times higher than the rate for women and increases with age.
  • When males suffer from depression and despair, females also suffer. When we lose fathers, brothers,  and sons, the loss impacts mothers, sisters, and daughters.
  • Violence turned inward can lead to higher rates of suicide. Turned outward it can lead to increased rates of family, community, and world-wide aggression. The comedian, Elayne Boosler captured this reality when she observed, “When women get depressed they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.”

Over the years working with men, I believe that men are both the “canaries in the coal mine” alerting us to the dangers we face, but also the hope for the wellbeing of all.

This is a Time of Transition in the U.S. and the World

“Today, many things indicate that we are going through a transitional period, when it seems that something is on the way out and something else is painfully being born,”

said Václav Havel former Czech statesman, author, and dissident.

“It is as if something were crumbling, decaying and exhausting itself, while something else, still indistinct, were arising from the rubble.”

            I believe if we are honest with what we are seeing in the world, we will recognize the truth of Havel’s observation that something is crumbling, decaying, and exhausting itself.  In her world-wide best-seller, The Watchman’s Rattle: A Radical New Theory of Collapse, social scientist Rebecca Costa looked at the troubles facing humanity and said,

“Today, the issues that threaten human existence are clear: an intractable global recession, powerful pandemic viruses, terrorism, rising crime, climate change, rapid depletion of the earth’s resources, nuclear proliferation, and failing education.”

            The problem isn’t this political party or that one, Democrats or Republicans, our side or the other side. It is something much more fundamental. Costa quotes her mentor, two-time Pulitizer Prize winner E.O. Wilson who said,

“The real problem of humanity is we have Paleolithic emotions, medieval institutions and god-like technologies.”

            Costa’s book was praised by a wide variety of luminaries:

  • “Problems eventually become too complicated for the average intelligence—in The Watchman’s Rattle, Rebecca Costa depicts the challenges this presents.” –Dr. James Watson, Nobel Laureate
  • “One of those rare books that one picks up and then knows within the first few pages is extremely important…extremely brave, spirited and well informed.” — Sir Richard Branson, Environmentalist and Entrepreneur
  • “Rebecca Costa has written a riveting examination of our world’s most dire and complex issues. Her message for mankind is an ultimately hopeful one as she explores her fascinating theory about the brain’s ability to develop advanced problem-solving techniques in times of crisis. A must read!” –Donald J. Trump, Real Estate Developer and Entrepreneur
  • “A brilliant understanding of how we got into our current predicament, and how we may well emerge from it relatively intact.” –Thom Hartmann, Best-selling author and host of The Thom Hartmann Program.

A Time for Hope and a Moonshot for Mankind

            As a healthcare professional who has been working in the field for more than fifty years, I have seen a lot of people who lose hope. Marriages fall apart, addictions take over our lives, we try and fail at our goals to lose weight, exercise more, save for the future, or be the best fathers for our children.

            There are times when we reach the end of our rope and feel there’s no use carrying on. We may even feel the world would be better off without us. I’ve been in those dark places myself in my life and I’ve been there for many others who almost gave up hope. What saved me and what I find saved others, is that we find a connection to another. We reach out or someone reaches out to us.

            It may start with a few words. “You look like you’re hurting. What’s going on?” Somehow in our darkest moments we find a ray of hope. We don’t know what would help, but we know we need something to change in our lives. At one of my darkest moments following a painful divorce, when I wasn’t able to see my young children, I saw a post on a bulletin board about a men’s workshop with a talk by the psychologist Herb Goldberg, author of the book, The Hazards of Being Male.

            These words caught my eye:

“The male has paid a heavy price for his masculine ‘privilege’ and power. He is out of touch with his emotions and his body. He is playing by the rules of the male game plan and with lemming-like purpose he is destroying himself—emotionally, psychologically, and physically.”

            I had no idea what to expect but I joined a group of twenty-five other guys on a Saturday in April 1979.  The day was transformative. Afterwards, those who were interested were invited to meet the following Wednesday at the home of one of the guys who had helped put on the event to see if we would be interested in starting a men’s group.

            Ten of us showed up and we formed a group that began meeting weekly. Soon a few guys dropped out and seven of us continued to meet regularly. We are still together, a band of brothers together to the end. My wife, Carlin, will tell you that one of the main reasons she feels we have a successful 44-year marriage is because I’ve been in a men’s group for 45 years.

The Moonshot for Mankind is a movement that is committed to helping humanity on its healing journey. We believe man’s mental, emotional, and relational health is the key to empowering men to live long and well. Our mission is to help men live healthier, happier, more cooperative lives—fulfilling lives of purpose and productivity, where men are supported and valued as they make positive contributions to their families, friends, and communities. When that happens, families grow stronger, communities prosper, and humanity takes its next leap forward.

In these challenging times, it is easy to lose hope. We are living in uncertain times and the future can seem frightening. Neuroscientist Julia DiGangi offers the following thoughts which I find helpful:

“As the world brims with uncertainty, it’s vital to understand that the opposite of fear is identity. When you are frightened by uncertainty, this is your clearest signal to turn inward—a chance to decide: When those around me are shaking and systems seem to be crumbling, who will I believe I am?”

Believing in ourselves and having hope that we can act to make a better world for ourselves and others is what keeps us going. Václav Havel offers these words of guidance:

“Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well. It is the certainty that something is worth doing no matter how it turns out.”

We know the outcome of the election, now it is our turn to act. We have an opportunity to come together and support each other in becoming the men we were meant to be at this time in human history.

We will be offering a number of events in the coming months and invite you to join us. If you’d like more information, drop me a note to: Jed@MenAlive.com and put “Moonshot for Mankind” in the subject line. I look forward to hearing from you. Please share with others you feel would be interested.

The post Calling All Men: Welcome to the First Day of The Rest of Your Life appeared first on MenAlive.

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“Tribalism,” says cultural psychologist Dr. Michael Morris, “has been named the culprit behind everything that’s wrong with the world today, from political polarization to failure to combat climate change.”

There is certainly a lot wrong with our world today, but the problem is not that we have become tribal. In his groundbreaking book, Tribal: How the Cultural Instincts That Divide Us Can Help Bring Us Together, Dr. Morris goes on to say,

Tribal needn’t be a dirty word. Tribalism is as necessary to the human condition as breathing.”

In fact, tribalism is what makes us human. In his book, Beyond Civilization: Humanity’s Next Great Adventure, historian Daniel Quinn reminds us that “the tribal life and no other is the gift of natural selection to humanity. It is to humanity what pack life is to wolves, pod life is to whales, and hive life is to bees. After three or four million years of human evolution, it alone emerged as the social organization that works for people.”

            Quinn goes on to say,

“If you note that hive life works well for bees, that troop life works well for baboons, or that pack like works well for wolves, you won’t be challenged, but if you not that tribal life works well for humans, don’t be surprised if you’re attacked with almost hysterical ferocity.”

Why do we have such a difficult time accepting that tribal life is the life we are meant to be living? I believe that one reason for our denial of our tribal roots is that we have been living under the mistaken belief that the emergence of what we have called “civilization” ten thousand years ago was what saved humanity from a way of life that English philosopher Thomas Hobbs saw as “solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.”

            The truth is that what we call “civilization” which began as our tribal way of life was supplanted by the advent of agriculture may better be characterized as the worst mistake ever. In a 1987 article, “The Worst Mistake in the History of the Human Race,” world-famous evolutionary biologist Jared Diamond said,

“Recent discoveries suggest that the adoption of agriculture, supposedly our most decisive step toward a better life, was in many ways a catastrophe from which we have never recovered. With agriculture came the gross social and sexual inequality, the disease and despotism, that curse our existence.”

“The tribal life wasn’t something humans sat down and figured out,”

says Quinn.

“It was the gift of natural selection, a proven success—not perfection but hard to improve on.”

What has been called “civilization,” but is better characterized by systems scientist, Riane Eisler, as the “domination” system, is one that is collapsing. Trying to dominate the Earth, rather than learning to live in true partnership, is a recipe for disaster.

            The cause of our current conflict is not because humans are tribal, it is because a way of life that has worked for more than two million years has been replaced by a system that has caused humans to become disconnected from the Earth, from ourselves, and from the other creatures of the Earth as well as the ecosystem that allows us to live without disrupting the climate to a degree that all humanity is at risk.

            Thomas Berry was a priest, a “geologian,” and a historian of religions. He spoke eloquently to our connection to the Earth and the consequences of our failure to remember we are one member in the community of life.

“We never knew enough. Nor were we sufficiently intimate with all our cousins in the great family of the earth. Nor could we listen to the various creatures of the earth, each telling its own story. The time has now come, however, when we will listen or we will die.”

Back to the Future: Reclaiming Our Tribal Heritage and Reconnecting with the Community of Life

            In reviewing the book Tribal by Michael Morris, Harvard University professor of psychology Daniel Gilbert says,

“This original book lays bare the facts about our tribal natures and shows how the deeply human tendencies that have brought us to the precipice of disaster might still be used to save us.”

“Early humans became wired by evolution to share knowledge in groups and draw on this shared knowledge to collaborate with each other,”

says Morris.

“Language, literature, law–everything great we have attained emerged from these capacities to look at the world through the lens of shared knowledge or culture. When cultural codes operate unchecked and ripple out of control they can draw us into dysfunctional conflicts, but understanding tribal instincts enables you to break these cycles and harness them for collective action and even for social change. They can be our ‘worst instincts,’ but they can also be our best instincts, our greatest hope for rising to the challenges of cooperation ahead.”

            One of my favorite public intellectuals Scott Galloway says,

“There is no future, good or bad, without tribalism. This eye-opening book will change the way you think about why we behave the way we do.”

            For at least two million years, the tribal way of life was all we knew. The tribal system worked well for all human beings, both males and females, in the past and it will work well for all of us when we reclaim our tribal wisdom.

            Although some blame men and believe patriarchy is the cause of our problems, I don’t believe that is true. Systems scientist and historian Riane Eisler wrote a paradigm-changing book, The Chalice & The Blade: Our History Our Future in 1987 in which she described two very different ways of being in the world:

            “The first, which I call the dominator model, is what is popularly termed either patriarchy or matriarchy—the ranking of one half of humanity over the other. The second, in which social relations are primary based on the principle of linking, rather than ranking, may best be described as the partnership model. In this model—beginning with the most fundamental difference in our species, between male and female—diversity is not equated with either inferiority or superiority.”

            Eisler has written numerous subsequent books describing the two systems, including her most recent, Nurturing Our Humanity: How Domination and Partnership Shape Our Brains, Lives, and Future, written with anthropologist, Douglas P. Fry. In it she describes the tribal cultures that have lived in balance with the land for more than two million years, as “the  original partnership societies.”

            They show that as tribal societies based on partnership principles began to be supplanted by hierarchical societies based on domination, there was increasing level of violence.

            Eisler and Fry say,

“Various archeological examples show the birth of war in association with hierarchical systems. For instance, in the Near East between 12,000 and 10,000 years ago, nomadic foraging gave way to plant and animal domestication. In this region there is not evidence of war or hierarchical social organizations in the archaeological record at 12,000 years before the present, sparse evidence for war by about 9,500 years ago, and then clear evidence of spreading and intensifying warfare after that.”

            The trauma resulting from the loss of our tribal roots impacts both men and women, but in different ways. The comedian Elayne Boosler captures this difference when she said,

“When women get depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.”

            Best-selling author Sebastian Junger offers us an insight into the mentality of men in his book, War.

“Combat was a game that the United States had asked Second Platoon to become very good at,”

says Junger,

“and once they had, the United States had put them on a hilltop without women, hot food, running water, communications with the outside world, or any kind of entertainment for over a year. Not that the men were complaining, but that sort of thing has consequences. Society can give its young men almost any job and they’ll figure out how to do it. They’ll suffer for it and die for it and watch their friends die for it, but in the end, it will get done. That only means that society should be careful about what it asks for.”

            It should also be careful what kind of society we want for our young men to live within. In his book, Tribe: On Homecoming and Belonging, Junger makes a case for creating a future based on our tribal past.

“Perhaps the single most startling fact about America is that, alone among the modern nations that have become world powers, it did so while butted up against three thousand miles of howling wilderness populated by Stone-Age tribes.”

“We have a strong instinct to belong to small groups defined by clear purpose and understanding–Tribes”

says Junger.

“This tribal connection has been largely lost in modern society, but regaining it may be the key to our psychological survival.”

            In the final chapter of Tribal: How the Cultural Instincts That Divide Us Can Help Bring Us Together, Michael Morris says,

“For our predecessors struggling to survive in the Stone Age, tribal interaction was a way to expand the bounds of social cohesion, to work in coordination as a united force, to cooperate in ways that were not immediately rewarded, and to sustain and build upon the wisdom of the past.”

            He goes on to way,

“Our evolutionary blessing of ‘Us’ does not fate us to violence against ‘Them,’ but we need awareness of our tribal psychology to guard against this possibility…One thing is certain: we will not overcome the present challenges as individuals. As even our earliest ancestors know, we can thrive only together—in tribes.”

            If you like appreciate articles like these I invite you to come visit me at www.MenAlive.com and check out our free weekly newsletter with information that can help you improve your mental, emotional, and relational health.

The post Tribal Instincts: The Core of Our Humanity, Cause of Our Worst Problems, and Best Hope For Our Future appeared first on MenAlive.

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Richard V. Reeves is the founding president of the American Institute for Boys and Men (AIBM) and the author of Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male is Struggling, Why It Matters, and what to Do About It. He has been a long-time advocate of sex and gender equality. He says,

“There has been a successful campaign to get girls and women interested in STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) professions. By contrast, the men-into-HEAL (Health, Education, Arts, and Literacy) movement is essentially non-existent.”

            He goes on to say,

“Getting a good estimate of how much is being spent overall on getting more women into STEM jobs is impossible, not least because so many institutions are involved. But to give one specific example, the Society of Women Engineers has a headquarters staff of 36, about $19 million in assets, and an annual expenditure of $12 million.”

            For me, I was lucky to get into one of the healthcare professions early on. After I graduated from U.C. Santa Barbara in 1965, I was accepted at U.C. San Francisco Medical School and was awarded a four-year full-tuition fellowship to attend. I hoped to eventually become a psychiatrist and help men like my father who had a “nervous breakdown” when I was five years old after he had become increasingly depressed when he couldn’t make a living to support his family.

            Medicine was primarily a male profession when I first attended medical school and there were few women in my class. But I quickly felt what I was learning was too narrowly focused and lacked emotional engagement and sensitivity. I requested a transfer to the School of Social Welfare at U.C. Berkeley and was willing to give up my scholarship to get it. However, before I was allowed to leave I had to see a psychiatrist. Evidently, a male leaving medical school for a career in social work was seen as aberrant, if not downright crazy.

            When I arrived, the other students in social work school were primarily women, with only a few men. But I loved the environment and felt at home in a community committed to helping people mentally, emotionally, and relationally. I also appreciated that we began helping people right away. My first-year placement was at a juvenile probation department. In my second year, I worked in a mental health facility. I earned my Master of Social Work degree in 1968 and have had a successful career ever since.

            In Of Boys and Men, Reeves says,

“In broad terms, HEAL occupations can be seen as the opposite of STEM. They are more focused on people, rather than things, and they tend to require more literacy than numeracy skills.”

I found that to be true. I am definitely better suited to HEAL professions and social work has given me experience with people I never would have gotten had I continued in medical school.

The focus on literacy has also helped me to become a successful author with seventeen books available, including international bestsellers Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions, Male Menopause, and The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression.

            In recent years I have been training men who are interested in men’s health as a profession. Reeves says,

“There has been a striking drop in the share of men in mental health related caring professions. Men account for the minority of social workers (18%) and psychologists (22%), for example, and the gender imbalance is growing.”

Yes, Boys Can: An Action Approach For Now and For the Future

            What’s to be done? Reeves offers a challenging proposal.

“As a society, we recognized the need to get more women into STEM jobs, and invested accordingly. Now the same is true of men and HEAL. I propose at least $1 billion national investment, over the next decade, in service of this goal. This money, from both government and philanthropy, should be spent in three ways:

  • First, creating a pipeline of future male HEAL workers in schools and colleges.
  • Second, providing financial support to male students and workers in HEAL.
  • Third, running social marketing campaigns to make these career choices more appealing to boys and men.”

Reeves goes on to say,

“First, the pipeline. We need to get more boys and young men thinking about HEAL careers early.”

To that end Reeves has joined with Jonathan Juravich, the 2023 National Elementary Art Teacher of the Year to create a masterful new book, Yes, Boys Can: Inspiring Stories of Men Who Changed the World.

I had the opportunity to interview Richard and Jonathan for a recent podcast which you can watch here. We discussed their work, the creation of the book, and talked about some of the inspiring men who work in the fields of Health, Education, Arts, and Literacy.

You’ll learn about who of the fifty interesting men in the book: Social worker Preston Dyer and health nurse Sir Jonathan Elliott Asbridge.

As described in Yes Boys Can,

“Growing up, the only person that Preston really saw helping other people was the pastor of his church. Preston loved the idea of helping others; it was what drove him. He wasn’t excited about writing and preaching sermons for church services.”

It wasn’t easy, but Preston got into social work helping people with mental health needs. He struggled through school, but persevered. He and his wife, Genie, started marriage enrichment courses and began helping more people. In sum,

“Against all odds and hurdles, he ended up becoming one of the most influential social workers alive.”

Jonathan Elliott Asbridge was born in Cardiff, Wales.

“He had his first taste of nursing when he began work as a cadet with the St. John Ambulance Service in South Wales. He knew at a young age that he wanted to pursue nursing as a career, but his parents were less than excited and strongly fought back. This wasn’t the future they wanted for him.”

Many men are drawn to work in the HEAL professions but are discourage by others. Sometimes it is family members who discourage us.  Other times it is teachers, friends, classmates, or the general sense we get from society that these are not manly jobs.

But Jonathan didn’t give up. Jonathan attended nursing school and continued schooling at university and began working in the field.

“Jonathan went from being a staff nurse to a charge nurse in a critical care unit, then an inpatient manager, a general manager, and the director of Clinical Care Services. Eventually he became a director of nursing.

He didn’t stop there. Jonathan continued work with further advocacy and professional advancement and was named the inaugural president of the Nursing and Midwifery Council of the United Kingdom.”

Since at least 1860, on the King’s or Queen’s birthday, individuals are awarded medals, decorations, and appointments. These recognitions celebrate the great works of citizens. As we learn in the book, “On June 17, 2006, Jonathan received such an honor. He was knighted for his dedication to the National Health Service and advancement of the nursing profession. Thankfully, his family’s reluctance about his career choice didn’t hold him back from pursuing his dream.”  

If you, or someone you care about, may be interested in HEAL professions for men, I highly recommend Richard’s book, Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male is Struggling, Why it Matters, and What to Do about it.”  I also recommend the new book, Yes, Boys Can! Inspiring Stories of Men Who Changed the World.

For more information about Richard’s work, visit him at the American Institute for Boys and Men: https://aibm.org/. You can also visit his website: https://richardvreeves.com/

You can learn about Jonathan’s work here:

https://theartofeducation.edu/author/jonathan-juravich

You can order Yes, Boys Can! From the publisher here:

https://quarto.com/books/9780760391952/yes-boys-can or from wherever books are sold.

I write regular articles about men’s mental, emotional, and relational health. You can visit me here: https://menalive.com/ and subscribe to my free weekly newsletter here: https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/

The post Men Can HEAL—Getting Men into the Jobs of the Future appeared first on MenAlive.

Photo by: Curated Lifestyle / Unsplash.com

I have been helping men and women improve their love lives for more than fifty years. It’s never been easy to find the right partner or to keep our love lives growing and deepening through the years. It is even more difficult when we reach midlife and beyond. By the time we reach forty, many of us have been married and divorced, some of us more than once. We long to find a new partner, but we’ve been burned before and don’t want to repeat our mistakes. Even those who are in a long-term relationship struggle to keep our sex and love lives vital and alive.  

            In the past, midlife was seen as a short-lived “crisis” where we would do crazy shit like buy a flashy sports car or trade in our spouse for a newer model. As we are living longer, midlife takes on new dimensions of meaning. Chip Conley is founder of The Modern Elder Academy and author of the book Learning to Love Midlife: 12 Reasons Why Life Gets Better With Age.

“In my opinion,” says Conley, “and that of a number of sociologists, in a world with more and more centenarians, midlife may last from 35 to 75. Just as adolescence is a transitional stage between childhood and adulthood, maybe part of midlife’s role is to be a transitional stage between adulthood and elderhood.”

            For most of human history we died before we got very far into midlife. The average life expectancy in 1900 in an advanced country like the U.S. was 47.3 years. With all these added years of life, we need new information to help us successfully navigate our sex and love lives.

            I have written seventeen books including international best-sellers Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places and The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why the Best is Still to Come. A few years ago I learned about a book by Shana James that was recommended by a colleague, Ed Frauenheim, called Honest Sex: A Passionate Path to Deepen Connection and Keep Relationships Alive. Here’s what Ed had to say,

“Shana James is like your best friend, blended with the Dalai Lama and Dr. Ruth. Honest Sex is warm, wise and funny. It will help you create not only the sex life you want, but the rich relationships you need for true happiness.”

            Who wouldn’t want to have a best friend who is a blend of the Dalai Lama and Dr. Ruth? I reached out to Shana and got a copy of her book. She introduces the book with a personal sharing that reminds us of the kind of discussions many of us have experienced, the kinds of discussions that can lead to misunderstandings and trouble.

            She vulnerably admits to the struggles she faced that led to divorce, and walks readers through ways to transform challenges into connection and intimacy. Here’s one that had me think: This woman has been eavesdropping on me and my wife. This is a book I must read:

            “Really!” I said, looking toward the water bottle at the Target cash register that my husband was about to purchase en route to Burning Man. “Like we need more water bottles? Don’t we have a dozen of them in our cupboards?”

            “Mine leaks,” he said. “You know how it goes in the desert. We can’t mess around. I’m not going to go with a faulty water bottle. I remember when you got dehydrated in the desert and it wasn’t pretty.”

            “But it’s plastic” I yelled, aware of the cashier warily eyeing us. “Think about the toxic island of plastic that is now the size of Texas and killing marine life,” I said.

Here’s what I wrote after finishing the book:

            “As a marriage and family therapist for more than fifty years, this is the book I’ve been waiting my whole career to give to my clients. I’ll be telling everyone I know to buy three copies—one for yourself, one for your partner, and one for the friend who has been waiting for honest sex all their lives.”

            And here’s some good news that will make my recommendation simple and easy. For the first time Shana is offering her widely acclaimed and best-selling book, Honest Sex: A Passionate Path to Deepen Connection and Keep Relationships Alive, for FREE. To take advantage of this wonderful offer all you must do is click on this link and you will get a copy of her book and be able to connect with her.

            To give you a little “taste,” here are the chapter titles:

  • What I Wish I Learned Before I Got Married.
  • What is Honesty and How Can We Cultivate Mature Honesty?
  • How Honest Are You With Yourself?
  • Applying Honesty to Desires.
  • What is Sex Actually?
  • What is Orgasm Honestly?
  • The Myth of Happy Sex.
  • How to Improve Rather Than Kill Your Sex Life with Honest Conversations.
  • Six Fundaments of Deeper Intimacy and Better Sex
  • Conscious Relating Tools.
  • Relational Alchemy.
  • Maturity and Our Inner Demons.

Of course, having honest sex, deepening connection, and keeping relationships alive is helpful at any age and stage of relationship, I have found Shana’s wisdom to be particularly helpful for men and women in midlife. In an article I wrote recently, “Why More Couples Are Divorcing and How to Save Your Midlife Marriage,” I shared some disturbing trends that have been going on in recent years.

One of the greatest tragedies I am seeing today is the rise of midlife divorce with women initiating nearly 80% of the divorces.  Divorce can be devastating for both men and women, but contrary to popular perception, men suffer greater emotional wounding. I believe strongly that divorce is not the answer and most midlife marriages can be saved.

The National Center for Family & Marriage Research (NCFMR), Co-directed by researchers Susan L. Brown and Wendy D. Manning, was established in 2007 to help improve our understanding of how family structure is linked to the health and well-being of children, adults, families, and communities. Dr. Brown’s recent article, “The Graying of Divorce: A Half Century of Change,” offers the following findings:

  • One in four persons who divorce in the U.S. is over 50, contrasted to less than one in ten in 1990.
  • More than half of gray divorces are couples in their first marriages, including more than 55 percent for couples married more than 20 years.
  • As the divorce rate for adults over 50 soars, so does the number of adult children experiencing parental divorce.

Regardless of your age or marital status, getting a copy of Shana’s book, Honest Sex, can help improve your sex and love life. You can get your copy here.

If you would like to read more articles about improving your mental, emotional, and relational health, I hope you will subscribe to my free newsletter. If you don’t already subscribe you can do so here: https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/.

The post Sex and Love at Midlife and Beyond: Finding Intimacy and Passion with the Partner of Your Dreams appeared first on MenAlive.

We are living in a time of disconnection and despair where one group denigrates another and dire warnings are trumpeted by each side that if they win our lives are lives will be destroyed. When we talk to our friends and neighbors we sense that people are not as divided as the media would have us believe, but we feel powerless to change things for the better.

            Robert Waldinger, M.D. is professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and Director of the Harvard Study on Adulthood Development. Along with his friend and colleague, Dr. Mark Schultz they have written The Good Life: Lessons From the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness.

            Dr. Waldinger wrote an article recently titled “An Antidote to Anger and Despair in Our Polarized World.” He says,

“I’d like to share some thoughts on a matter that’s been weighing heavily on my mind lately, and I suspect on many of yours as well – the sense of uncertainty and dread we often feel when looking at the state of our world.”

            He goes on to say,

“It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the constant stream of news and information. We’re bombarded daily with stories of conflict, division, and what many would call ‘evil’ in various forms. This can leave us feeling helpless, angry, and tempted to retreat into the comforting simplicity of an ‘us versus them’ mentality.

But I’d like to suggest a different approach, one inspired by an ancient Buddhist tale that offers surprising wisdom for our modern dilemmas. Picture this: The Buddha, in his time, encounters a notorious serial killer. Instead of fleeing or fighting, the Buddha calmly walks towards this dangerous man. When the killer tries to attack, he finds he cannot catch the Buddha, despite the latter’s slow pace. Puzzled, he demands that the Buddha stop. The Buddha’s response is profound: ‘I have stopped. You stop.’

The Buddha explains that he has ‘stopped’ by casting off violence towards all beings. He recognizes the potential for violence within himself but chooses not to act on it. This story challenges us to look inward and confront our own capacity for what we might label as ‘evil.’ Now, let’s bring this ancient wisdom into our present context. How often do we eagerly consume news that confirms our views, feeling righteous when ‘our side’ seems to be winning? It’s a powerful feeling, isn’t it? It can be addictive — and ultimately harmful.”

I know I have felt that way and have written numerous articles sharing my concerns that about the potential election of Donald Trump as our next President. I am deeply afraid of his tendencies towards authoritarian ways of thinking and acting and want to let others know about my concerns. But I am also aware that other side has serious doubts about the candidate I support.

It isn’t only in the political arena that we seem to be seriously divided between “us” and “them.” We see it in our businesses and even in our families. But what if, like the Buddha, we chose to walk calmly towards what we fear or oppose? What if we recognized that the capacity for both good and evil exists within all of us? Dr. Waldinger introduced me to an important initiative called UNITE, led by Tim Shriver. It aims to help us move away from viewing and treating others with contempt and toward seeing the dignity of those we disagree with.  UNITE has developed the Dignity Index, a tool that allows us to rate newspaper articles, speeches, and our own thoughts on how much they polarize or unite.  It’s a scale from 1 to 8 that measures how we speak about and treat those with whom we disagree. At the top of the scale, level 8, we recognize the inherent worth of every individual, treating all with dignity regardless of differences. At the bottom, level 1, we dehumanize others and believe they must be stopped by any means possible.

Level 1: Escalates from violent words to violent actions. It’s a combination of feeling the other side is less than human and calling for or approving violence. The subtext:

“They’re not even human. It’s our moral duty to destroy them before they destroy us.”

Level 2: Accuses the other side not just of doing bad or being bad, but promoting evil. The subtext is:

“Those people are evil and they’re going to ruin our country if we let them. It’s us or them.”

Level 3: Attacks the other side’s moral character, not just their capabilities or competence. The subtext is:

“We’re the good people and they’re the bad people. It’s us vs. them.”

Level 4: Mocks and attacks the other side’s background, their beliefs, their commitment, their competence, their performance. The subtext is:

“We’re better than those people. They don’t really belong. They’re not one of us.”

Level 5: Listens to the other side’s point of view and respectfully explains their own goals, views, and plans. The subtext is:

“The other side has a right to be here and a right to be heard. It’s their country too.”

Level 6: Sees it as a welcome duty to work with the other side to find common ground and act on it. The subtext is:

“We always talk to the other side, searching for the values and interests we share”.

Level 7: Wants to fully engage the other side – discussing the deepest disagreements they have and to see what breakthroughs they can find. The subtext is:

“We fully engage with the other side, discussing even values and interests we don’t share, open to admitting mistakes or changing our minds.”

Level 8: I can see myself in every human being, I refuse to hate anyone, and I offer dignity to everyone. The subtext is:

“Each one of us is born with inherent worth, so we treat everyone with dignity–no matter what.”

Dr. Waldinger concludes saying,

“This doesn’t mean that all actions are equal, or that we shouldn’t work towards positive change in the world. But it does mean approaching our efforts with humility and an awareness of our own biases.”

He goes on to say,

“Let me offer another example: Think of a time when you were absolutely certain about something, only to later discover you were mistaken. Perhaps it was a misunderstanding with a friend that led to an argument, or a strongly held opinion that changed after you learned new information. These experiences remind us that our perceptions and judgments are often limited and flawed.”

“We can put ourselves in situations that remind us of the shared humanity in everyone, even those we strongly disagree with. Watching children play on a playground, noticing people acting with kindness in our communities, sitting in prayer or spiritual practice – these are just a few of the countless ways we can see beyond those seductive good-and-evil dualities. This doesn’t mean we ignore harmful actions or abandon our values. Rather, it allows us to respond more skillfully and compassionately to the conflicts that are inevitable in life.”

As a psychotherapist and marriage and family counselor for more than fifty years I am reminded of the work of Dr. John Gottman who wrote about the most destructive interactions that destroy marriages. He called them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They are Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling, and perhaps the most destructive of them all, Contempt.

We can all monitor our own Dignity Index as we relate to ourselves and others. If you’d like more information about Dr. Waldinger and his work here: https://www.robertwaldinger.com/

At Moonshot for Mankind, we are bringing together organizations and individuals who would like to improve the quality of men’s health and increase our ability to create healthy partnerships. You can learn more here: https://moonshotformankind.org/.

If you’d like to read more articles like these, please consider joining our newsletter mailing list. https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/.

Please share this article with anyone you feel should read it. Thank you.

The post Healing the Increasing Contempt Between Us and Them: Building  Partnership Bridges For the Good of All appeared first on MenAlive.

Photo credits: NASA

Part 2

            In Part 1, I talked about the poly-crises humanity is facing. I described Jeremy Rifkin’s new book, Planet Aqua: Rethinking Our Home in the Universe and how it expands the understanding of our world to recognize that our planet is primarily water rather than earth. I also discussed the work of James DeMeo who traced the origins of many of our current problems to a particular time and place in human history–6,000 years ago in the Middle East–and what it can teach us about our present predicament and how to solve it.

            For most of human history, despite the many challenges of life, humans lived in relative peace and prosperity. In their book, Nurturing Our Humanity: How Domination and Partnership Shape Our Brains, Lives, and Future, Riane Eisler and Douglas P. Fry, they say,

“For the overwhelming majority of the period that the genus Homo has existed, nomadic foraging constituted the ubiquitous human lifestyle.”

They go on quote anthropologist M.G. Bicchieri who said,

“For more than 99 percent of the approximately two million years since the emergence of recognizable human animal, man has been a hunter and gatherer.”

            Eisler and Fry say our ancestors were “The Original Partnership Societies” with the following features of partnership systems that include:

  • Overall egalitarianism.
  • Equality, respect, and partnership between women and men.
  • A nonacceptance of violence, war, abuse, cruelty, and exploitation.
  • Ethics that support human caring, prosocial cooperation, and flourishing.

As James DeMeo’s research demonstrated, this way of life changed 6,000 years ago.

“With very few exceptions, there is no clear and unambiguous evidence for warfare or social violence on our planet Earth prior to around 4,000 BCE and the earliest evidence appears in specific locations, from which it firstly arose, and diffused outward over time to infect nearly every corner of the globe.”

DeMeo goes on to say,  

“A massive climate change shook the ancient world, when approximately 6,000 years ago vast areas of lush grassland and forest in the Old World began to quickly dry out and convert into harsh desert. The vast Sahara Desert, Arabian Desert, and the giant deserts of the Middle East and Central Asia simply did not exist prior to c.4000 BCE.”

There is modern evidence that the area in question is what had been referred to in the bible as “the Garden of Eden.” In their book, Exiles From Eden: Psychotherapy From an Evolutionary Perspective, Kalman Glantz and John K. Pearce cite the work of archaeologist Juris Zarins. He believes this idyllic area of the world now lies under the Persian Gulf, downstream from the ancient civilizations that flowed along the banks of the Tigris and Euphrates. According to Glantz and Pearce

“Eden was not paradise. It was just a place—a place where human beings lived the way all humans lived before the rise of civilization.”

“The ‘Garden of Eden’ myths, which exist in the historical literature of many Old World cultures, appear to be factually rooted in this early period of socially-cooperative and peaceful social conditions, when the Saharasia was green and fruitful,”

says DeMeo.

“Then came the devastating climate change towards aridity, which formed the vast Saharasian desert belt, and humans were literally cast ‘out of the garden’. The rest is history.”

            DeMeo’s research shows that the drought that occurred 6,000 years went on for generations and impacted the lives of all who lived at that time. Recent research on the impact of “Adverse Childhood Experiences,” demonstrates that the consequences of childhood trauma are long lasting and cause physical, emotional, and relational health problems throughout our lives.

“Famine and starvation is a severe trauma from which survivors rarely escape unscathed,”

says DeMeo.

“A lot of people die, families are split apart, and babies and children are often abandoned, and suffer enormously. Starvation affects surviving children in an emotionally severe manner. These attitudes and behaviors are deeply protoplasmic in nature, and are passed on to ensuing generations no matter what the climate, by social institutions which reflect the character structure of the average individual at any given period of time.”

            Although this kind of trauma impacts both males and females, men and women often deal with the trauma in different ways. The comedian, Elayne Boosler, offers a humorous, yet insightful reflection on this inherent difference. She says,

“When women get depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.”

            In my recent book, Long Live Men! The Moonshot Mission to Heal Men, Close the Lifespan Gap, and Offer Hope to Humanity, my second chapter is titled, “Male Violence is Increasing—From School Shootings, to Domestic Violence and Insurrection at the US Capitol. From Irritability and Anger to Depression and Suicide.”

            I go on to say,

“Men are the ‘canaries in the coal mine,’ alerting us to the need for change. Canaries were used in goal mines as an early warning system for miners. Toxic gases such as carbon monoxide and methane in the mine would kill the bird before affecting the miners. Male mental illness and breakdown are the world’s early warning signs of impending catastrophe. Things like Irritable Male Syndrome, male depression and aggression, and high suicide rates are alerting us to the toxic nature of our current environment and lifestyles.”

Our Moonshot For Mankind and Humanity

            We believe man’s mental, emotional, and relational health is the key to empowering men to live long and well. Our mission is to help men live healthier, happier, more cooperative lives—fulfilling lives of purpose and productivity, where men are supported and valued as they make positive contributions to their families, friends, and communities. When that happens, families grow stronger, communities prosper, and humanity takes its next leap forward.

            In 2004 I read a powerful study, “Sexual Selection and the Male:Female Mortality Ratio,” by Daniel J. Kruger, PhD and Randolph M. Nesse, M.D. They examined premature deaths among men in 20 countries. They found that in every country, men died sooner and lived sicker than women and their shortened health-span and lifespan harmed the men and their families. They concluded with a number of powerful statements:

  • “Being male is now the single largest demographic factor for early death.”
  • “Over 375,000 lives would be saved in a single year in the U.S. alone if men’s risk of dying was as low as women’s.”
  • “If male mortality rates could be reduced to those for females, this would eliminate over one-third of all male deaths below age 50 and help men of all ages.”
  • “If you could make male mortality rates the same as female rates, you would do more good than curing cancer.”

For me, this was a call to action. I invited a number of colleagues who were leading organizations that had proven successful in helping improve men’s health. We launched the non-profit, MoonshotForMankind.Org. We invite you to join us.

We also have an additional way to share information that can be helpful. Come check out our Substack, https://substack.com/@moonshotformankind and hear what our founding members have to say.

There are clearly a number of biologically based reasons why women live longer than men. But we know that even our genes can be modified by changes in our lifestyle and beliefs about ourselves and the world.

The lessons I have learned over the years are these:

  • We may not be responsible for the traumatic climate change that occurred 6,000 years ago, but we must take responsibility for our present situation. As they say, “Nature bats last.” If humans are not willing to change, nature will force the change upon us.
  • We would do well to listen to our animal elders. Most species have been here longer than us and are better adapted to life on planet Earth. As historian Thomas Berry reminds us.

“We never knew enough. Nor were we sufficiently intimate with all our cousins in the great family of the earth. Nor could we listen to the various creatures of the earth, each telling its own story. The time has now come, however, when we will listen or we will die.”

  • When we’re going down the wrong road, it’s never too late to turn around.
  • We may not be able to turn back to the past, but we can move ahead to the future. As Jeremy Rifkin says,

“We need to reset our perception of waters as ‘resource’ to one where waters are seen as a ‘life source.’ We need to adapt to the hydrosphere rather than trying to adapt the hydrosphere to us. The next stage in the human saga is to rebrand our home ‘Planet Aqua’ and learn to live and thrive in new ways on a unique water planet in the universe.”

You can learn more about Jeremy Rifkin’s work and his book, Planet Aqua: Rethinking Our Home in the Universe here. If you liked this series of articles and would like to read more about how we can create a healthy future for ourselves, our children, and future generations, I invite you to sign up for my free weekly newsletter. You can do so here: https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/

The post Planet Aqua: A New Understanding of Humanity and The Future of Life on Earth appeared first on MenAlive.

Photo by: Cristian Palmer / Unsplash.com

In a recent article titled “Transformations: The End of the U.S. and the World as We Know It and The Truth About Our Collective Future,” I described the challenges we face in our world today.

“It is not easy to accept, but it is becoming more and more obvious that our country and our world are not doing well,”

I said.

“Some believe the U.S. is falling apart and the humans have made such a mess of the environment that we should call it quits, go out in a blaze of destruction, and leave planet Earth in the hands of species who are better able to be good partners in the community of life on Earth. Others believe that human ingenuity and innovative technologies will fix things and we have a bright future ahead. I have a different vision that was given to me in a sweat lodge in 1993 at a men’s gathering in Indianapolis, Indiana.”

            In his book, Planet Aqua: Rethinking Our Home in the Universe, best-selling author Jeremy Rifkin offers is own vision for our future that very much resonates with mine. He says,

“What would happen if we suddenly realized that the planet we live on appeared eerily alien, as if we’d been teleported to some other distant world? That frightening prospect is now.”

            What has happened to us?  “To put it bluntly,” says Rifkin,

“our species, particularly in the Western world, has come to believe that we live on terra firma, a verdant green expanse of solid ground upon which we stand and thrive and which we call our home in the cosmic theater.”

            That’s certainly the way I have come to think of our home. But our space travels and the pictures of the Earth that were sent back reveal a new understanding of our home.

Earth was instantly reduced to a veneer atop of which has always been a water planet circling the sun, and to date, seemingly alone in its multiple shades of blue in our solar system and perhaps in the universe,”

says Jeremy Rifkin.

            Looking at our world as “a water planet” allows us to better understand the poly-crises we face and how to deal with them more effectively. In his book, Planet Aqua, Rifkin gives us a new way to understand and potentially solve our problems. Rifkin lists a few of the crises that we face, along with the scientific references to support the statistics:

  • Today, 2.6 billion people experience high or extreme water stress. By 2040, a total of 5.4 billion people—more than half of the world’s population—will live in 59 countries experiencing high or extreme water stress.
  • Over the past decade, the number of recorded water-related conflicts and violent incidents increased by 270% worldwide.
  • One billion people live in countries that are unlikely to have the ability to mitigate and adapt to new ecological threats, creating conditions for mass displacement of populations and forced climate migrations by 2050.
  • Droughts, heatwaves, and massive wildfires are spreading across every continent, raging ecosystems and destroying infrastructure around the world.

Back in 1993, my vision in the sweat-lodge gave me a unique understanding of our present predicament and potential solutions. I saw the “sinking of the Ship of Civilization” and the emergence of “lifeboats for humanity” which you can read more about here. Among the conclusions that emerged from the vision and my subsequent explorations were the following:

  • “Civilization” is a misnomer. Its proper name is the “Dominator System.” 

As long as we buy the myth that “civilization” is the best humans can aspire to achieve, we are doomed to go down with the ship. In The Chalice & the Blade: Our History Our Future first published in 1987, internationally acclaimed scholar and futurist, Riane Eisler first introduced us to our long, ancient heritage as a Partnership System and our more recent Dominator System, which has come to be called “Civilization.”

In her recent book, Nurturing Our Humanity: How Domination and Partnership Shape Our Brains, Lives, and Future,written with peace activist Douglas P. Fry, they offer real guidance for creating a world based on partnership.

Historian of religions, Thomas Berry, spoke eloquently to our need to be honest about our present situation.

“We never knew enough. Nor were we sufficiently intimate with all our cousins in the great family of the earth. Nor could we listen to the various creatures of the earth, each telling its own story. The time has now come, however, when we will listen or we will die.” 

  • There is a better world, beyond civilization.

When I was given the book Ishmael, by Daniel Quinn,I got a clear sense of the two worlds that are competing for our attention: A world where hierarchy and dominance rule (Quinn calls it the world of the Takers) and a world where equality and connection rule (Quinn calls it the world of the Leavers). In his many books Quinn offers a clear contrast in worldviews.

In his book, Beyond Civilization: Humanity’s Next Great Adventure, Quinn says,

“I can confidently predict that if the world is saved, it will not be because some old minds came up with some new programs. Programs never stop the things they’re launched to stop. No program has ever stopped poverty, drug abuse, or crime, and no program ever will stop them. And no program will ever stop us from devastating the world.”

The Dominator System Emerged 6,000 Years Ago as a Result of Environmental Trauma.

            In a 1999 article, “The Worst Mistake in the History of the Human Race,” the world-famous scientist and historian, Jared Diamond, offered these powerful and startling insights:

            “To science we owe dramatic changes in our smug self-image. Astronomy taught us that our earth isn’t the center of the universe but merely one of billions of heavenly bodies. From biology we learned that we weren’t specially created by God but evolved along with millions of other species. Now archaeology is demolishing another sacred belief: that human history over the past million years has been a long tale of progress. In particular, recent discoveries suggest that the adoption of agriculture, supposedly our most decisive step toward a better life, was in many ways a catastrophe from which we have never recovered.” [Emphasis added by me, Jed Diamond].

            A great deal has been written about what caused this catastrophe. Anthropologists had long demonstrated that humans had lived in relatively healthy balance with nature for two-million years. What happened 6,000 years ago set us on a course that now endangers our own lives and well as the lives of our children, future generations, and humanity itself.

            In my most recent book, Long Live Men! The Moonshot Mission to Heal Men, Close the Lifespan Gap, and Offer Hope to Humanity, I discussed the research of environmental scientist Dr. James DeMeo. In his monumental, ten-year study that culminated in the book Saharasia, Dr. DeMeo began by asking a number of critical questions including the following:

  • What are the causes and ultimate sources of human violence?
  • Why do so many political and religious leaders behave in such a hypocritical manner, and why are the most religious nations often the most bloody and violent?
  • What specifically happened to change the face of the world so dramatically for the worse, to produce the big mess in which so much of humanity finds itself today?

He offers his simple conclusion in the introduction on page 3 and follows with 451 additional pages of findings, maps, and discussions:

“Human violence appeared to have a specific time and place of origins on the Earth; antisocial violence was not distributed world-wide at all times in the past! Furthermore, it was learned, the origins of violence was precisely timed to a major historical epoch of climate change from relatively wet towards dry conditions.”

The full title of the book captures his entire thesis: Saharasia: The 4000 BCE Origins of Child Abuse, Sex-Repression, Warfare and Social Violence in the Deserts of the Old World.The book was originally published in 1998 and has added to my own understanding in the years since my sweat lodge vision in 1993.

Both Jeremy Rifkin and James DeMeo believe that the ultimate cause of Jared Diamond’s “Worst Mistake in the History of the Human Race” was related to water. DeMeo’s research shows that years of drought caused large areas of the Middle East to be turned into desert and was the original trauma that led to many of the problems that we are facing today.

            Trauma, of course, impacts both women and men, but the response to trauma has been different for the two sexes as I will discuss in Part 2 of this series. If you aren’t already subscribed to my free weekly newsletter, you can do so here: https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/

The post Planet Aqua: A New Understanding of Humanity and The Future of Life on Earth appeared first on MenAlive.

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As we get closer to the November presidential election, it seems that half the country can’t imagine how anyone could vote for Donald Trump given everything we know about him. The other half of the country can’t believe anyone could vote for the other guy, even though the other guy is now a woman.

            I’m a psychologist who specializes in gender-specific healthcare and perhaps one of the few people who predicted (in writing) that Donald Trump would be elected in 2016 (six months before the election). You can read my May 7, 2016 article, “The Real Reason Donald Trump Will Be Our Next President” here.

            Among the things I said were the following:

“Mr. Trump seems to have suffered abuse, neglect, and abandonment as a child. Many of us resonate with his rage. We know from Mr. Trump’s own writing that he was an aggressive and violent child growing up, that he was sent to military school at a young age and had difficulty controlling his temper. It’s not surprising that we have gotten statements like these from Mr. Trump:

  • “You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass by your side.”
  • “I would bomb the shit out of them. I would just bomb those suckers, and that’s right, I’d blow up the pipes, I’d blow up the refineries, I’d blow up every single inch, there would be nothing left.”
  • “I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”

The article went on to say,

“These kinds of statements repulse many. As a trauma-informed therapist they are red flags of a person who has suffered serious abuse, neglect, and abandonment. But Mr. Trump isn’t the only one who has suffered these kinds of indignities.

Ongoing studies reported by the National Centers for Disease Control (Adverse Childhood Experiences—ACE—Studies) demonstrate that childhood abuse, neglect, and abandonment are more common than most of us think and impact our adult health and relationships. Abused children often hook up with each other as adults (It’s our subconscious attempt to heal old wounds). Whether we’re passionately in favor of Donald Trump or passionately opposed to him, we likely have some healing to do.”

I said that an old kind of masculinity was on the way out. My colleague Riane Eisler describes two competing systems that humans have been engaging with that she calls the dominator system and the partnership system. Throughout the world emotionally wounded men who ascend to power have chosen a dominator approach to asserting power.

            The old dominator systems were ruled by frightened men who came to believe that the only way to survive was to rule by force. Historian Ruth Ben-Ghiat describes these men in her book, Strongmen: Mussolini to the Present. She says,

“For ours is the age of authoritarian rulers: self-proclaimed saviors of the nation who evade accountability while robbing their people of truth, treasure, and the protections of democracy.”

            Among the seventeen protagonists in her book she includes: Adolph Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Benito Mussolini, Vladamir Putin, and Donald J. Trump. Pulitzer-Prize winning journalist Anne Applebaum describes the way modern-day autocrats support each other in her book, Autocracy Inc.: The Dictators Who Want to Run the World.

“Nowadays, autocracies are underpinned by sophisticated networks composed across multiple regimes…The autocrats are rewriting the rules of world trade and governance as their propagandists pound home the same messages about the weakness of democracy and the evil of America.”

            Ben-Ghiat concludes,

“The real issue, personified by the two individuals running for the presidency is what political system Americans will live under in 2025 and beyond: a democratic system, guided by rule of law, or an autocracy marked by rule by the lawless and a criminal in charge?”

            As an evolutionary-trained psychotherapist, I have learned that when people feel their lives are in danger, they tend to fall back to the comfort of their tribal group for safety and support. Our political parties have become like rival tribes who are convinced the “other group” will destroy us. The problem for us now is that one party is lead by a man who feels aligned with other authoritarian leaders in the world and is a danger to himself and others.

Why the Future of Democracy May Be in the Hands of Men

            It is clear from listening to Kamala Harris why her election would be good for women. But there are many reasons it is also good for men. Many women have husbands, brothers, sons, uncles, and other males in their lives. Programs that are supportive of women are also supportive of men.

            Many men and women recognize that Donald Trump is a dictator in the making and bringing him into power will harm men, women, and children, other human beings, and the planet we all share.

            What most of us don’t know is that getting more males to vote for the Harris/Walz ticket may be the critical difference in who occupies the Whitehouse and has power over our lives in the future.

            Journalist Mark W. Sutton has written a fascinating new book, How Democrats Can Win Back Men: Why Understanding Male Voters and Their Issues is Vital for Democratic Victory. Sutton’s book has garnered praise from a number of colleagues who work in the men’s health field including Dr. Warren Farrell, author of numerous books including The Boy Crisis, who says,

How Democrats Can Win Back Men could be the most important book ever written toward both the Democrats winning in 2024 and reversing the loss of men to the Democratic party in the next decades.”

            In his chapter,

“Men Are the Largest and Lowest Hanging Fruit For Democrats,”

Sutton says,

“For the last 40 years, men have been trending Republican and women Democrat. Since Democrats are doing so well with women, they just need to do a little better with men to have a much better chance to win the White House and swing congressional races. Men comprise 48.7% of the voters in presidential elections. Winning an additional few percent of men in the swing states would make all the difference.”

            Richard Reeves, Founder of the Institute for Boys and Men, wrote a recent article, “The Masculinity Election.” He says,

“The 2024 vote was set to be a referendum on the rights of women. Instead it has become a debate over the needs and desires of men. The question now is which model of manhood will win in November. The macho brawler of the Trump-Vance ticket, or the kindly ‘girl dad’ offered by Harris and Walz? The fighter or the coach?”

            He goes on to note,

“There is a big gender gap in voting intentions. Among likely women voters, Harris leads Trump by 14 points (55% to 41%) in the latest New York Times/Siena College poll while Trump leads by 17 points among men (56% to 39%). The gender gap among younger voters is especially stark, with women under 30 moving left while their male peers move right.”

What You Can Do to Support Democracy For Men, Women, and Children

  • Buy a copy of How Democrats Can Win Back Men by Mark W. Sutton.
  • Visit Mark’s website.
  • Reach out to men you know and let them know what is at stake in this election.

            At MenAlive I have been supporting men and their families to embrace the partnership system and have recently created a way for organizations and individuals to belief in these ideas and practices to stay connected. You can learn more at our website, MoonshotforMankind.org and get news you can use on our substack, substack.com/@moonshotformankind.

            If you’d like to read more articles on men’s mental, emotional, and relational health, you can subscribe for free at https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/.

The post Why Many Will Vote For Donald Trump in 2024 and What We Must Do to Protect Democracy appeared first on MenAlive.

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September 10, 2024 was World Suicide Prevention Day. According to the World Health Organization,

“Every year 726,000 people take their own life and there are many more people who make suicide attempts.”

When I was five years old my mid-life father took an overdose of sleeping pills after he had become increasingly depressed because he couldn’t support his family doing the work he loved. Fortunately, he survived, but our lives were never the same. I grew up wondering what happened to my father, when it would happen to me, and what I could do to prevent it happening to other families.

Although females, as well as males, can die by suicide, males at every age are at higher risk than are females. Yet rarely is suicide discussed as a health issue for boys and men.

World Suicide Prevention Day (WSPD) was established in 2003 by the International Association for Suicide Prevention in conjunction with the World Health Organization (WHO). On September 10th each year they focus attention on the issues, reduce stigma and raise awareness among organizations, governments, and the public, giving a singular message that suicides are preventable.

The triennial theme for World Suicide Prevention Day for 2024-2026 is “Changing the Narrative on Suicide” with the call to action “Start the Conversation”. This theme aims to raise awareness about the importance of reducing stigma and encouraging open conversations to prevent suicides. Changing the narrative on suicide is about transforming how we perceive this complex issue and shifting from a culture of silence and stigma to one of openness, understanding, and support.

The call to action encourages everyone to start the conversation on suicide and suicide prevention. Every conversation, no matter how small, contributes to a supportive and understanding society. By initiating these vital conversations, we can break down barriers, raise awareness, and create better cultures of support.

I have been writing a series of articles—”Homecoming: An Evolutionary Approach for Healing Depression and Preventing Suicide.” In Part 1, I shared statistics from the National Institute of Mental Health, comparing the suicide rates for males and females at various ages:

Even during our youth where suicide rates are relatively low, males are still more likely to die by suicide than are females. It is also clear to me as my wife and I move into our 80s, that males and females face many challenges as we age, but it is older males who more often end their lives by suicide with rates 8 to 17 times higher rates than for females.   

In Part 2, I discussed the evolutionary roots of male/female differences and quoted Dr. Roy Baumeister,  one of the world’s leading social scientists. Understanding his work can better help us understand a lot about why men are the way they are and specifically why men are the risk-taking gender.

In his groundbreaking book, Is There Anything Good About Men? How Cultures Flourish By Exploiting Men, he says,

“If evolutionary theory is right about anything, it’s right about reproduction. Nature will most favor traits that lead to success at reproducing. But for thousands of years, men and women have faced vastly different odds and problems in reproducing. On this basic task, women faced good odds of success, whereas men were born to face looming failure.”

Men not only take greater risks than women, but also are less resilient and more prone to feelings of failure when they don’t feel they can offer something of value to those they love.

In Part 3, I show that suicide is the most prevalent form of violence and is the cause of more death than either war or homicide. We don’t often think of suicide as a form of violence or depression as an underlying cause of violence, but they are intimately related. The World Health Organization (WHO) produced an in-depth analysis of violence and published the information under the title, “The World Report on Violence and Health.” The report is the result of 3 years of work, during which WHO drew on the knowledge of more than 160 experts from more than 70 countries.

            The report detailed estimated global-related deaths as follows:

These numbers vary in different years and rates of violent deaths also vary according by country and within each country with different groups. But clearly violence from suicide accounts for nearly as many deaths as war-related violence and homicides combined. All forms of violence are tragic and many have come to believe that violence is simply a part of human nature. But this is not true.

Violence of all kinds can be understood and prevented.

“Violence thrives in the absence of democracy, respect for human rights and good governance,”

said Nelson Mandela. We often talk about how a ‘culture of violence’ can take root. This is indeed true—as a South African who has lived through apartheid and is living through its aftermath, I have seen and experience it. No country, no city, no community is immune. But neither are we powerless against it.”

As we approach another presidential election in the United States, most everyone is aware of the threat to democracy we are facing and the conflicts that divide our country.

In Part 4, I offered guidance for all those who are ready to see the truth about the times in which we live and how we can live, love, and work, for good in the world.

For most of my professional life I believed that treating depression and preventing suicide involved helping individuals, couples, and families. A new perspective opened for me in 1993 at a men’s leadership conference in Indianapolis, Indiana. I’ve written a number of articles about my experience over the years, including my most recent, “Transformations: The End of the U.S. and the World as We Know It and The Truth About Our Collective Future.”

I said that an old kind of masculinity was on the way out. My colleague Riane Eisler describes two competing systems that humans have been engaging with that she calls the dominator system and the partnership system. Throughout the world emotionally wounded men who ascend to power have chosen a dominator approach to asserting power.

            The old dominator systems were ruled by frightened men who came to believe that the only way to survive was to rule by force. Historian Ruth Ben-Ghiat describes these men in her book, Strongmen: Mussolini to the Present. She says,

“For ours is the age of authoritarian rulers: self-proclaimed saviors of the nation who evade accountability while robbing their people of truth, treasure, and the protections of democracy.”

            Among the seventeen protagonists in her book she includes: Adolph Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Benito Mussolini, Vladamir Putin, and Donald J. Trump. Pulitzer-Prize winning journalist Anne Applebaum describes the way modern-day autocrats support each other in her book, Autocracy Inc.: The Dictators Who Want to Run the World.

“Nowadays, autocracies are underpinned by sophisticated networks composed across multiple regimes…The autocrats are rewriting the rules of world trade and governance as their propagandists pound home the same messages about the weakness of democracy and the evil of America.”

            At MenAlive I have been supporting men and their families to embrace the partnership system and have recently created a way for organizations and individuals to belief in these ideas and practices to stay connected. You can learn more at our website, MoonshotforMankind.org and get news you can use on our substack, substack.com/@moonshotformankind.

            If you’d like to read more articles on men’s mental, emotional, and relational health, you can subscribe for free at https://menalive.com/email-newsletter/.

Every suicide is a tragedy that affects families, communities and entire countries and has long-lasting effects on the people left behind.

Suicide does not just occur in high-income countries but is a global phenomenon in all regions of the world. In fact, close to three quarters (73%) of global suicides occurred in low- and middle-income countries in 2021.

The post World Suicide Prevention Day 2024: Changing the Narrative For Men and Their Families appeared first on MenAlive.

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